Ended relationship because she desires a family

[lalalandman]

Dude, am I the only one who sees right through this chic? SHE calls YOU to tell you that she doesn't want to be intimate with or be around you? What? She says you aren't supportive enough but that the relationship is too much? Double what? She's not in love with you but looking for jobs around you? Triple what?

 

She is being a typical girl and is waiting for you to man up. When she told you that she still feels resentment towards you, your response should have been 'get over it'. I don't think you're ready to handle this girl. She's hitting you left and right with tests and you are failing. No wonder you're confused.

[eternalspotless]

Dude, am I the only one who sees right through this chic? SHE calls YOU to tell you that she doesn't want to be intimate with or be around you? What? She says you aren't supportive enough but that the relationship is too much? Double what? She's not in love with you but looking for jobs around you? Triple what?

 

She is being a typical girl and is waiting for you to man up. When she told you that she still feels resentment towards you, your response should have been 'get over it'. I don't think you're ready to handle this girl. She's hitting you left and right with tests and you are failing. No wonder you're confused.

 

When she said she resents me, I have said many times that I have no idea why she's still holding on to those things.

 

I don't think I really understand what you're getting at... Like, am I supposed to be hitting these 'tests'? Is she in the wrong, or am I? Maybe I'm not ready to handle her. I have never been with anyone like this, and I find her difficult. Nothing pleases her. I have had other relationships that haven't been like this.

[eternalspotless]

I have just come home from an event - I've been pushing myself to do things even if I have to go on my own. I went to this thing on my own, and then saw a friend there so we chatted for about 20 minutes or so, and then I went home because the event was over.

 

I now feel excruciatingly sad and overwhelmed - I haven't stopped crying since I got home and I don't even know what brought it on. I keep thinking about not having that physical contact with her (not sex) and not having her around anymore and it is really painful.

 

I wonder why I feel this way even though the relationship wasn't the best. I just don't know how I am going to do this, it feels so so rough and I am currently alone right now. All my friends have gone to sleep and I have no choice but to think about this. It's so rough.

[bummer]

Hey, I know you have been here awhile so must know the rules. Exercise and endorphins can really help with the lonely empty feeling I find.

 

Great you got out for a bit. Hope NC is going strong and you aren't getting crumbs still.

 

For the physical contact bit I feel the same. I miss having someone to roll over to and gently kiss and snuggle. I miss her breath in the morning. It hurts. I went to a party and just through general flirting and dancing got to hold, touch, and be touched by someone else and it really helped break down some walls. It was good to just feel desire from anyone else on a physical level.

 

If you're friends are helping you through this, give them hugs when you see them. It feels great.

[MovingOnIsHard]

Hello OP,

 

I'm glad you decided to let her walk away for good. If I could give you a hug, I would.

 

It sounds like your ex gf is unhappy with herself, which makes her bitter about you because you are happier with your life in general. She's pulling up all these excuses as to why she can't be with you: wanting to start a family, too busy at work, she feels neglected by you..

 

It's not you, it's HER.

 

I was in a similarly unhappy and miserable relationship almost two years ago. My ex would, out-of-the-blue, initiate a break up so often for the most arbitrary reasons eg. after telling him I can't come up to see him because of work, then he turns it around and says I don't care about him; when he says he wants to starts a family with me right away and I say I'm not ready; when he says he wants me to move in with him and I'm not ready... I doubt he even wanted a family, seeing how he was the type not wanting to have too much responsibilities for someone other than himself. At the time, I was doing well in my job, earning good money, while he quit his job for reasons I don't know. He became more miserable and detached and he seemed to want me to be in the same boat as his.

 

Long story short, the last time he wanted to break up with me, I told him "goodbye". Ironically, that wasn't the last time I heard of him, because he kept trying to contact me via email and messaging me, asking to reconcile but I told him "no". He was persistent. He finally left me alone when I reported him to police for visiting my workplace without invite. I'm sure he's got some undiagnosed mental illness.

 

Fast forward to now, I'm with my current bf of more than one year now. We just got an apartment together and we're sharing the same goals/priorities. He's understanding and truly cares about me.

 

You can be happy, too. Start to heal by erasing traces of her in your life. Don't let her contact you. Block her, NC. It's hard at first but you have to stay strong. See a therapist if you need to talk to someone when you're feeling down (your friends can only tolerate as much). Enjoy spending time with your friends. Also enjoy doing things on your own. Plan a trip solo, or go on an adventure/vacation by yourself.

 

If you've ever wanted to have a pet, get one (that's what I did). Pets can help with your mood and gives you something to take care of (esp dogs). Keeps your mind off your ex.

 

Life is full of beautiful and awesome things.

 

When the right time comes (and it's usually when you are finally happy with just being by yourself), the right person will come along and share your journey alongside you. :-)

 

 

EDIT: For reference, I'm 27, my bf is 28.

[eternalspotless]

Hello OP,

 

I'm glad you decided to let her walk away for good. If I could give you a hug, I would.

 

It sounds like your ex gf is unhappy with herself, which makes her bitter about you because you are happier with your life in general. She's pulling up all these excuses as to why she can't be with you: wanting to start a family, too busy at work, she feels neglected by you..

It's not you, it's HER.

 

I was in a similarly unhappy and miserable relationship almost two years ago. My ex would, out-of-the-blue, initiate a break up so often for the most arbitrary reasons eg. after telling him I can't come up to see him because of work, then he turns it around and says I don't care about him; when he says he wants to starts a family with me right away and I say I'm not ready; when he says he wants me to move in with him and I'm not ready... I doubt he even wanted a family, seeing how he was the type not wanting to have too much responsibilities for someone other than himself. At the time, I was doing well in my job, earning good money, while he quit his job for reasons I don't know. He became more miserable and detached and he seemed to want me to be in the same boat as his.

 

Long story short, the last time he wanted to break up with me, I told him "goodbye". Ironically, that wasn't the last time I heard of him, because he kept trying to contact me via email and messaging me, asking to reconcile but I told him "no". He was persistent. He finally left me alone when I reported him to police for visiting my workplace without invite. I'm sure he's got some undiagnosed mental illness.

 

Fast forward to now, I'm with my current bf of more than one year now. We just got an apartment together and we're sharing the same goals/priorities. He's understanding and truly cares about me.

 

You can be happy, too. Start to heal by erasing traces of her in your life. Don't let her contact you. Block her, NC. It's hard at first but you have to stay strong. See a therapist if you need to talk to someone when you're feeling down (your friends can only tolerate as much). Enjoy spending time with your friends. Also enjoy doing things on your own. Plan a trip solo, or go on an adventure/vacation by yourself.

 

If you've ever wanted to have a pet, get one (that's what I did). Pets can help with your mood and gives you something to take care of (esp dogs). Keeps your mind off your ex.

 

Life is full of beautiful and awesome things.

 

When the right time comes (and it's usually when you are finally happy with just being by yourself), the right person will come along and share your journey alongside you. :-)

 

 

EDIT: For reference, I'm 27, my bf is 28.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds very similar to mine. She does indeed pull up these strange reasons, and often broke up with me during an occasion where it seemed that she wasn't getting her own way. The 'bitter' thing, as I've said, is something most of my friends have commented on. Whenever I do something positive, she started.

 

When I was studying for two important exams, she was constantly complaining about the lack of interaction from me, despite knowing that these exams were important. When I started the course, and couldn't speak to her as much, she'd start arguments/break up with me every other week, saying that I didn't care, was neglecting her, etc. It is so interesting to hear from someone that has experienced something similar.

 

She messaged me yesterday, telling me that a friend of hers had moved in with her boyfriend and that she knew it wasn't too soon for her and I too move in, after all. I replied by saying that their relationship was probably different, or it may have been more convenient for them, and I simply wasn't ready. She went on to say that she was "just saying".

 

I wasn't NC, but as of today, I am. She messaged me this morning telling me that she didn't want me to be upset, etc. I can't remember exactly what the message said as I deleted it straightaway. I can't keep putting myself through this, and if she wants to break up she will get one. Of course it will hurt but I can't stay in contact with her.

 

I am glad that you found happiness, your story is one that gives others like myself hope, and you sound truly happy with your current partner.

[eternalspotless]

Hey, I know you have been here awhile so must know the rules. Exercise and endorphins can really help with the lonely empty feeling I find.

 

Great you got out for a bit. Hope NC is going strong and you aren't getting crumbs still.

 

For the physical contact bit I feel the same. I miss having someone to roll over to and gently kiss and snuggle. I miss her breath in the morning. It hurts. I went to a party and just through general flirting and dancing got to hold, touch, and be touched by someone else and it really helped break down some walls. It was good to just feel desire from anyone else on a physical level.

 

If you're friends are helping you through this, give them hugs when you see them. It feels great.

 

Hey

 

Thank you. I am going out again tonight - as I go to these things alone, I spy other people who are there alone too, so the whole going alone thing isn't a big deal anymore.

 

The physical contact things sucks, but it does die down eventually doesn't it.

[eternalspotless]

I thought I was coping well today, but I am starting to go down in mood. I'm starting to worry about how I will fill my days, and I am starting to compare my life to hers in that she is much more busy, and probably finds this easier than I do.

 

As the day goes on and I haven't heard from her, I feel worse. I feel like she can't even spare a second to contact me (I don't know what I'd want the message/call to be about, though).

 

I'm starting to dread the weekend as that is when she'd come over, and although I have invited a friend over, I can't cuddle or kiss a friend.

 

I promised myself I would go NC from today, but I just want to message her so badly. I miss her so much. She just doesn't seem to care, although she keeps insisting that she does.

[eternalspotless]

NC hasn't been going as planned - I'm trying not to beat myself up for that as I know how difficult it is.

 

She offered to come over during the weekend, but I said no, and said that it might make things worse for me. I asked her why she offered that and she said that she thought I might want to see her, and it might help. That didn't really make sense to me, but OK.

[bummer]

If you're really over this, how did she reach you?

 

No contact is a bit more strict for your protection. Block , unfollow, disappear. You shouldn't know if she's alive or dead.

 

If you're not ready, just see her. Dont let guilt or anxiety rule your life.

[eternalspotless]

If you're really over this, how did she reach you?

 

No contact is a bit more strict for your protection. Block , unfollow, disappear. You shouldn't know if she's alive or dead.

 

If you're not ready, just see her. Dont let guilt or anxiety rule your life.

 

She contacted me through iMessage.

 

Just see her? I don't know. I feel like that would make the 'missing' emotion/feeling stronger when she goes.

[getsmartie]

Hi, sorry you're going through this. I've been there, it's no fun but things will get better.

 

I see her as being selfish and manipulative. She broke this up, you are the mst vulnerable in this situation and she needs to back off and let you start to heal.

 

I have a feeling she wants to see you so that you can cave by telling her you'll do what she wants.

 

I know it's hard but NC is the only way to heal.

[eternalspotless]

Hi, sorry you're going through this. I've been there, it's no fun but things will get better.

 

I see her as being selfish and manipulative. She broke this up, you are the mst vulnerable in this situation and she needs to back off and let you start to heal.

 

I have a feeling she wants to see you so that you can cave by telling her you'll do what she wants.

 

I know it's hard but NC is the only way to heal.

 

Hi

 

I found it weird that she maintains she doesn't want to be with me, but offered to come down... I've been broken up with several times by different people... This is a new one. You usually keep your distance after a break up, right?

 

I said no, anyway. Although as the time is getting closer, I feel like I should take her up on the offer. I won't. But I feel like it. You could be right. She wants me to say I'll move in, etc.

Edited July 8, 2016 by eternalspotless

[eternalspotless]

She contacts me very often - because we had a long distance relationship, the daily texts are no different from us being together. The messages have kisses, etc. She will text me in the morning and before she goes to bed.

 

I admit that I am not following through with the NC. I have done NC before with other exes when they broke up with me and although it was hard at first it did help a lot.

 

I am also really really struggling with the thoughts of not being able to see her/be physically intimate with her. I don't know what that's about. I can't stop thinking about her body - not sexually - and the fact that I won't be able to access it anymore. It's not 'mine' anymore. Not that this is about ownership, but that's the best way I can put it into words.

 

I have so many hang ups when it comes to break ups which is why I am postponing the NC and which is why I really can't 'do' break ups:(

[bummer]

. I have done NC before with other exes when they broke up with me and although it was hard at first it did help a lot.

 

Well good. You know what you must do eventually. Including blocking!

 

I am also really really struggling with the thoughts of not being able to see her/be physically intimate with her.

 

I only kinda understand the rational explanations why this relationship ended. If she wants contact and you want contact... just have contact! Sure you likely are delaying the inevitable and maybe it's unhealthy, but you should do what you need. Don't let her keep texting you and feel all the anxiety. Stay in contact or no contact is my idea. Have some benefits (physical presence with her) or make it a clean break (block her).

 

Just so you read it: she doesn't love you. She's just giving you crumbs for her sake.

[eternalspotless]

Well good. You know what you must do eventually. Including blocking!

 

 

 

I only kinda understand the rational explanations why this relationship ended. If she wants contact and you want contact... just have contact! Sure you likely are delaying the inevitable and maybe it's unhealthy, but you should do what you need. Don't let her keep texting you and feel all the anxiety. Stay in contact or no contact is my idea. Have some benefits (physical presence with her) or make it a clean break (block her).

 

Just so you read it: she doesn't love you. She's just giving you crumbs for her sake.

 

I knew that. I think we fell out of love a while ago. But I have my issues and insecurities surrounding loneliness which is why I am clinging to this.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

OP please read this carefully!

 

I read through all the messages to find what makes you so sad. I am having the same situation you have right now. I am 26 my ex was 23 we broke up 3 months ago NC since then she left just like that no questions, no drama, no explanation - nothing. This devastated me as I loved her so so much just like you love your girl.

 

But understand this... I am coping! I am moving forward! NC is the best you can do right now and furthermore throw away everything... everything she once bought you, everything she once gifted to you, every object you have from her that reminds you. I am serious! Look this relationship isn't going anywhere. She doesn't have any time yet she constantly nags you and reaches out to extend your pain. She wants to help yet she is making things worse for you. Conserve your nerves you will need them for the future as there are worse situations than the one you are in now!

 

My ex wanted us to live together I wasn't ready we broke up. Wanted to get her back and told her I will be eventually we got back together. Felt this is the only thing why she took me back and it hurt. We have been on and off during the relationship and she did pretty bad stuff to me. She broke my heart many times yet I continue loving her. She wanted to start a family her mother constantly was asking me when we will have a child and we weren't even living together let alone making plans for the future so far ahead.

 

People may want something out of you but they can't force you. This is not a good relationship! A partner must be a person that is with you and won't leave you just because you are not ready and use this as a stepping stone to your relationship. What I mean is she can't be with you JUST because this is the only thing that she wants. She must want you for who you are, for what you are doing for her, if she can't see all those things and has a fixed idea to live together than sorry man but this is ridiculous.

 

I have been crying my eyes out for the past two weeks thought this time my heart won't be able to take it. But lets face it nobody died from a heartbreak. You will heal and it is important you do because you need someone better. You may not want someone else right now but in the long run you will once you heal. In order to do that you have to do NC for sure! Don't cling to a person just because they force you to do something out of you that you don't want. Ever watched Friends? Remember Chandler and Monica? Chandler wasn't able to commit to a marriage for a very long time. She waited for him until he is ready!!! A partner is someone who is with you through thick and thin! It's not like you've been bad with her call her names or do nasty stuff to your relationship! I bet you are a good person but she can't see that. She has her eyes set to what she wants and I'm sorry but I won't ever believe that this is a reason to leave someone. Not to mention you and I her even we are all too young! What is this rush of out these girls I won't understand for the rest of my life probably.

 

Finding a good partner is hard! Really hard! I believe my ex was the best thing that happened in my life but... differences. Different understanding of life, of commitment, of relationships, of emotions. While I believe if you love someone so much considering the world we live in you are with him and with him alone! she is set to the idea of progressing at HER own pace and not wait for me. This only leads me to believe she is not loving as I do. Again difference... It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't love me, but just not in the same amount nor the same ideals to stay with the person you love and leave him the space he requires.

 

Good luck and if you need anything else holla we are here for you!

 

EDIT: just to say I bet at the last few months she didn't even love me anymore she just stayed out of getting used to being with me. I bet this is happening to you as well. 3 years we've been together and she no longer loves me while I love her so much. This only means that she isn't the one!

[eternalspotless]

OP please read this carefully!

 

I read through all the messages to find what makes you so sad. I am having the same situation you have right now. I am 26 my ex was 23 we broke up 3 months ago NC since then she left just like that no questions, no drama, no explanation - nothing. This devastated me as I loved her so so much just like you love your girl.

 

But understand this... I am coping! I am moving forward! NC is the best you can do right now and furthermore throw away everything... everything she once bought you, everything she once gifted to you, every object you have from her that reminds you. I am serious! Look this relationship isn't going anywhere. She doesn't have any time yet she constantly nags you and reaches out to extend your pain. She wants to help yet she is making things worse for you. Conserve your nerves you will need them for the future as there are worse situations than the one you are in now!

 

My ex wanted us to live together I wasn't ready we broke up. Wanted to get her back and told her I will be eventually we got back together. Felt this is the only thing why she took me back and it hurt. We have been on and off during the relationship and she did pretty bad stuff to me. She broke my heart many times yet I continue loving her. She wanted to start a family her mother constantly was asking me when we will have a child and we weren't even living together let alone making plans for the future so far ahead.

 

People may want something out of you but they can't force you. This is not a good relationship! A partner must be a person that is with you and won't leave you just because you are not ready and use this as a stepping stone to your relationship. What I mean is she can't be with you JUST because this is the only thing that she wants. She must want you for who you are, for what you are doing for her, if she can't see all those things and has a fixed idea to live together than sorry man but this is ridiculous.

 

I have been crying my eyes out for the past two weeks thought this time my heart won't be able to take it. But lets face it nobody died from a heartbreak. You will heal and it is important you do because you need someone better. You may not want someone else right now but in the long run you will once you heal. In order to do that you have to do NC for sure! Don't cling to a person just because they force you to do something out of you that you don't want. Ever watched Friends? Remember Chandler and Monica? Chandler wasn't able to commit to a marriage for a very long time. She waited for him until he is ready!!! A partner is someone who is with you through thick and thin! It's not like you've been bad with her call her names or do nasty stuff to your relationship! I bet you are a good person but she can't see that. She has her eyes set to what she wants and I'm sorry but I won't ever believe that this is a reason to leave someone. Not to mention you and I her even we are all too young! What is this rush of out these girls I won't understand for the rest of my life probably.

 

Finding a good partner is hard! Really hard! I believe my ex was the best thing that happened in my life but... differences. Different understanding of life, of commitment, of relationships, of emotions. While I believe if you love someone so much considering the world we live in you are with him and with him alone! she is set to the idea of progressing at HER own pace and not wait for me. This only leads me to believe she is not loving as I do. Again difference... It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't love me, but just not in the same amount nor the same ideals to stay with the person you love and leave him the space he requires.

 

Good luck and if you need anything else holla we are here for you!

 

EDIT: just to say I bet at the last few months she didn't even love me anymore she just stayed out of getting used to being with me. I bet this is happening to you as well. 3 years we've been together and she no longer loves me while I love her so much. This only means that she isn't the one!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

You're right. Just because I'm not ready to start a family isn't a reason to break up with me. If she desires a family so much, why would she prolong it even further by becoming single and searching for someone to do it with? It's not going to happen overnight. And I haven't even said no, I've just said let me finish university first.

 

I believe I am a good person, yes. I don't play mind games, I'm not abusive or horrible to anyone.

 

I also don't appreciate the breadcrumbs I keep getting. I am scared, yes. But like you said, no one ever died from heartbreak. If this was real love, I'd have someone that would wait for me, no matter what. I don't know what's going on in her head.

[eternalspotless]

One of the most hurtful things to hear, right?

 

I'm wondering.. Is that ever reversible? Obviously I am in a situation where I've been told that, and right now I am really struggling. Especially with the lack of physical contact... But. I'm curious, too.

[eternalspotless]

Not sure if anyone reads this but... yeah.

 

Woken up this morning really missing her. Really missing the physical side, cuddling her and just being in the same bed as her. I've tried to keep busy this week, and I think it's helped to some degree but then there are times like this.

 

For a relationship that wasn't the best, this still does hurt. And although I'm not looking for anything else right now, I do worry about how or where I'm going to meet anyone. I wish this would be over.

 

I want to contact her, but what would be the point? I'd just be told the same old things, and she'd carry on trying to be my friend while I'm trying to tell her how i feel. She told me before that she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. Her feelings seem to have disappeared so quickly, it's hard to deal with. I don't know. All I know is that I just want this to stop.

[Bialy]

If someone said those words to you, it's time to disengage completely from them - if you haven't already. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you in that same way anymore?

 

You need to step away from the situation. This is not healthy. The statement was said honestly and clearly - if you "try to reverse" this words by talking more with the person, you will only draw them away even more or make the person hate that even when they were brutally honest, you still didn't get it.

 

 

You shouldn't need to convince someone that they should love you.

[smudge21]

Everything's reversible, but you don't want to be thinking about that. You want to be thinking about yourself and about healing now. I know that sounds harsh and not what you want to hear, but for whatever reason, when someone falls out of love, it's totally up to them whether they feel it again. You can't make someone love you and trying to, just comes off as desperate and pushes them further away. Follow the NC guide and take time to heal for yourself. Do not use it to live in hope that they'll come running back though.

[SevenCity]

Yes it's hurtful but let me tell you it's better to get something definitive rather than mixed signals.

 

Take it as that and move on with your life. If the other person ever changes their mind it will likely be too late and you can tell them you no longer love them.

[Rupert]

Reversible? Real talk is that you need to change for them to fall back in love with you and that takes years. Are you going to be waiting for years for them to look at you differently.

 

And based on some other responses. I would much rather have that than, I love you, but I can't be with you. (like I did).

[urmysong]

Yes very hurts...and still in my mind...

"We cannot be together anymore, and I will never love You again, it's just doesn't simply work like that. Please stop talking about You and me together. Please understand, that we are not lovers anymore and WE NEVER WILL BE AGAIN"

 

It's too hurts...he even typed it in Capital letters...I have to move on....