Ended relationship because she desires a family

[eternalspotless]

My now ex-girlfriend has ended our relationship because she wants to start a family, and I don't - well, not right now, anyway.

 

I must admit that I am feeling a sense of panic. Who will I talk to? What if the next person I date hurts me? I don't even enjoy dating, what with all the new apps and everything. I have to admit that I am frightened of what the future may hold.

 

[d0nnivain]

You should not be frightened. You have a good sense of self. You know that you don't want kids now & you made the mature decision to stick to your guns rather than cave & make a lifetime commitment to a child.

 

yes change is scary but it's only because it's unknown. Assume it will be better & go from there

[eternalspotless]

Hi guys...

 

I'm really struggling tonight, I keep crying and I feel sick - anxiety, or something. I don't know how I am going to get through this.

[juniorrocha]

It's ok. First thing you should put in your head is: I WILL get through this. Because you will. Holding yourself back won't do you any favor. I know it's hard, but try to occupy your mind with something productive. The weekends tend to be hard, but only if you don't do anything for yourself. I'm sure you'll get through this, just be patient.

[todreaminblue]

hey eternal...felt really bad a couple of nights ago myself..not from breaking up with anyone...just my life in general.....reaching out here helped.....my church helped...my friends helped...my family ...people who love me..and i made it unmedicated and not in hospital...and circumstances for me are still the same...

 

you arent alone...and im sorry you feel the way you do.....over time you will feel better mightnt seem that way....because anxiety sucks.....i get the shakes...feel like throwing up..and get this hopeless feeling deep inside....what i do is try to shake it out.....shake out the anxiety through my fingertips....and i read some scriptures or watch something uplifting...or listen to music.....what do you love to do?...deb

[eternalspotless]

It's ok. First thing you should put in your head is: I WILL get through this. Because you will. Holding yourself back won't do you any favor. I know it's hard, but try to occupy your mind with something productive. The weekends tend to be hard, but only if you don't do anything for yourself. I'm sure you'll get through this, just be patient.

 

Thank you Junior. I will try to occupy myself but I must admit it is difficult as I have depression also, and I am also quite isolated from family/friends. But I will try.

 

hey eternal...felt really bad a couple of nights ago myself..not from breaking up with anyone...just my life in general.....reaching out here helped.....my church helped...my friends helped...my family ...people who love me..and i made it unmedicated and not in hospital...and circumstances for me are still the same...

 

you arent alone...and im sorry you feel the way you do.....over time you will feel better mightnt seem that way....because anxiety sucks.....i get the shakes...feel like throwing up..and get this hopeless feeling deep inside....what i do is try to shake it out.....shake out the anxiety through my fingertips....and i read some scriptures or watch something uplifting...or listen to music.....what do you love to do?...deb

 

Thank you Deb. Yes, anxiety is horrible. It is all consuming. Hopelessness and fear and a million other things rolled into one. I enjoy music too, or films or working out, maybe. Sometimes it is hard to switch the mind off and I end up doing nothing but I will try.

[eternalspotless]

The thing is that I am about to head to university to study and pursue something I have wanted to for years. My mother suffered from mental illness and died because of it. I vowed that I would try and make a difference, and to understand mental illness and begin a career in it, I want to go to university.

 

My ex has already been to uni, and has secured herself a job. She is ready for a family. She wants to break up with me because I want to wait until we are both secure before we begin a family. In my mind it would not make sense to start a family and live on one person's income. I am also not willing to depend on someone else's money, because I believe that it isn't a guarantee, and you could fall out at any moment. I want to be secure and I want to be able to have my own things.

 

She isn't willing to wait for that, and wants us to move in together and start a family. Now.

 

I have spent my life looking after my mother, being homeless, getting over my mother's passing... This is the first time in my life that I don't have any major stresses, and I am just beginning to find myself. I feel that starting a family right now would leave me resentful, as I don't feel ready for that amount of commitment.

 

I am in no way suggesting she is wrong for wanting what she does, but I am sad and disappointed and hurt that I seemingly have no control over this situation. I either give in and do what I don't want to, or we break up. I do feel slightly that it's a bit unfair, and I feel hurt because I do love this person.

 

I am sad because I am losing the one person that I love and care about, and I am freaking out for many reasons. I don't know a lot of people, and I have had many bad experiences with women, which leads me to believe that I will continue to have them. I am extremely fearful of the future, and whether I am making the right decision in not having this family.

[Satu]

Your reasons for not wanting a family yet, are the product of sound and sensible thinking.

 

You are absolutely right to have adopted that position.

 

You know you are.

 

 

I would very much like you to consider this:

 

 

The past does not determine the future. Actions in the present determine the future. The fact that you have had painful experiences in the past, doesn't mean that the future will be painful.

 

 

If you were to go against your best judgement by not going to university, I think you might create a painful future for yourself. Part of your future, that is.

 

Don't do that.

 

If you part company with your girlfriend you'll have to do some grieving, but you'll be OK.

 

Trust your own judgement of what is best for you.

 

 

Take care.

[wellimhere]

hey i'm in the same boat as you ,my girl of 2 plus yrs recently dumped me out of the clear blue [ blindsided me ].turns out she's been lieing and cheating on me .this 3 day weekend we did have plans BUT she's doing those plans with the new guy . the weekends especially nights are the very worst.when it's dark and quiet outside your mind / thoughts wander .just try to keep occupied somehow i'm trying the t.v. but can't get into anything to watch , juump on the internet come here,look stuff up .it's tough as hell i know

[eternalspotless]

Your reasons for not wanting a family yet, are the product of sound and sensible thinking.

 

You are absolutely right to have adopted that position.

 

You know you are.

 

 

I would very much like you to consider this:

 

 

The past does not determine the future. Actions in the present determine the future. The fact that you have had painful experiences in the past, doesn't mean that the future will be painful.

 

 

If you were to go against your best judgement by not going to university, I think you might create a painful future for yourself. Part of your future, that is.

 

Don't do that.

 

If you part company with your girlfriend you'll have to do some grieving, but you'll be OK.

 

Trust your own judgement of what is best for you.

 

 

Take care.

 

Hi Satu,

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes. Doing those things under duress would not be right, and I am doubtful that they would last/end well.

 

That quote is spot on, and very helpful. I must try to remember that and not dwell on the past.

[eternalspotless]

hey i'm in the same boat as you ,my girl of 2 plus yrs recently dumped me out of the clear blue [ blindsided me ].turns out she's been lieing and cheating on me .this 3 day weekend we did have plans BUT she's doing those plans with the new guy . the weekends especially nights are the very worst.when it's dark and quiet outside your mind / thoughts wander .just try to keep occupied somehow i'm trying the t.v. but can't get into anything to watch , juump on the internet come here,look stuff up .it's tough as hell i know

 

Hey,

 

Sorry to hear about this - maybe you could try signing up to Netflix, and like getting into a season of something, if there's nothing on TV. I know it's damned hard, especially at night. But I guess it won't be forever.

[wellimhere]

NO it wont be FOREVER but like you going through it now and it feeling so raw it seems like no end in sight .if you have to just sit and cry then go for it let it all out it's part of the grieving process

[266696687]

Just to offer a different perspective.

 

There is no 'right time' to start a family. There is always going to be something that may make you want to put it off further. Financial issues, not owning a house, other life stresses. The point is if you love this girl and want a life and family with her putting it off may to her just seem like excuses and therefore she may feel you aren't as committed to the relationship and are perhaps holding out for someone else who you would be willing to start a family with.

 

If you really genuinely love and want to be with this girl why are letting this get in the way? If you both do want a family together at some point I'm sure there is a solution here.

 

Can you both not create a compromise? Move in together now and start a family a year down the line or so?

 

Have you had an open discussion with her regarding your reasons for wanting to put it off temporarily?

 

Did you offer a smaller step towards having a family like moving in together first? To show you are committed to her?

 

I'm not sure how this became an all or nothing situation but it will probably come down to communication.

 

Perhaps deep down you aren't as sure about this girl as you make out you are and by putting on the brakes for a family is your way to get out of the relationship?

 

Just a different perspective to think about!

[eternalspotless]

Just to offer a different perspective.

 

There is no 'right time' to start a family. There is always going to be something that may make you want to put it off further. Financial issues, not owning a house, other life stresses. The point is if you love this girl and want a life and family with her putting it off may to her just seem like excuses and therefore she may feel you aren't as committed to the relationship and are perhaps holding out for someone else who you would be willing to start a family with.

 

If you really genuinely love and want to be with this girl why are letting this get in the way? If you both do want a family together at some point I'm sure there is a solution here.

 

Can you both not create a compromise? Move in together now and start a family a year down the line or so?

 

Have you had an open discussion with her regarding your reasons for wanting to put it off temporarily?

 

Did you offer a smaller step towards having a family like moving in together first? To show you are committed to her?

 

I'm not sure how this became an all or nothing situation but it will probably come down to communication.

 

Perhaps deep down you aren't as sure about this girl as you make out you are and by putting on the brakes for a family is your way to get out of the relationship?

 

Just a different perspective to think about!

 

Hi. I appreciate your reply, and that does make a lot of sense. However, at times it has felt like more of a demand, than a natural progression. I think that is part of the reason I am not keen on the idea.

[CarrieT]

OP, how old are you two?

[eternalspotless]

OP, how old are you two?

 

I am 27, and she is 26.

[266696687]

Hi. I appreciate your reply, and that does make a lot of sense. However, at times it has felt like more of a demand, than a natural progression. I think that is part of the reason I am not keen on the idea.

 

The fact that you are not keen on the idea speaks volumes . Clearly you are unsure of the relationship as a whole and are using the starting a family as a way out. That's what it looks like.

 

You want different things. She wants a family so it's best you let her go to find someone who wants the same rather than stringing her along indefinitely until you are ready if you ever are.

 

You want to focus on other things so you just aren't on the same page.

[lalalandman]

Wanted to jump in. I can relate with you. Makes you feel like you were just a means to an end, right? I would bet that she's not even ready for a family herself at the moment. If she wants to jump into a marriage, that is her choice. If she doesn't value the connection and doesn't want to wait, then that is her choice. If the woman wanted a future with you, why is she bailing? Sounds like excuses bruh. Did you ever watch that movie with Adam Sandler, Big Daddy, where his girl leaves him for a much older man because he has a five year plan?

Edited May 30, 2016 by lalalandman

[eternalspotless]

Wanted to jump in. I can relate with you. Makes you feel like you were just a means to an end, right? I would bet that she's not even ready for a family herself at the moment. If she wants to jump into a marriage, that is her choice. If she doesn't value the connection and doesn't want to wait, then that is her choice. If the woman wanted a future with you, why is she bailing? Sounds like excuses bruh. Did you ever watch that movie with Adam Sandler, Big Daddy, where his girl leaves him for a much older man because he has a five year plan?

 

Everything you've said here is spot on... She's not even ready, either. Neither of us are. She's ready mentally, yeah. But financially? No. Not at all. I feel like she just wants a family, regardless of who with.

[bathtub-row]

A lot of people have this pie in the sky view of what it means to have kids. But they don't realize that, if you're unprepared, they will turn your life upside down. Even if you are prepared, they turn your world upside down.

 

Your ex is being very immature and is asking too much of you. She's actually asking you to give up your dreams. This is not ok. It's not like she's in her late 30's and the clock is ticking. My son and his gf are about the same age as you and, while they eventually do want kids, they're in no rush to start a family. They have no illusions about the responsibility that kids are. They're going to Europe this summer. And that's what I think young people should do -- create experiences, live life, see the world and have fun. And, a as you say, position yourselves to be prepared for having a family.

 

The truth is, you're the one who's being mature. I'm sorry you're going through this and hurting so much.

[eternalspotless]

Yeah.. a mixed set of replies, here. The thing is, I do enjoy being around her. I want to do things with her - travel, go on dates, whatever. I just wish there wasn't this heavy cloud over it all.

 

The sad thing is that she's a good partner. I read so many posts on here about how people are struggling to find a decent partner, and I just feel like... maybe I should just go with it. I hate dating and all the games as much as the next person, and I'm not getting any younger, am I.

[eternalspotless]

Since I made this thread, we decided to try again. However, things seem to have become worse and we have broken up, again.

 

She works in public services, and feels that her job is quite stressful. She says that I am not supportive enough, and that this relationship is too much for her. She also said she feels resentment toward me, and doesn't love me (or isn't in 'in love' with me) any more. Just last week she was with me, looking for jobs nearer to me because she wanted to be around me.

 

This whole thing started up again because I went to a street festival last weekend without her, and she seemed to be ok with it all initially, but has since said a few times that I have gone to this event rather than talk to her. On the evening that I got in from this thing, I called her and she just seemed so uninterested. It was like she begrudged that I had had fun without her. When I speak to my friends in depth about this, they also comment on how bitter she appears toward my hobbies and social life.

 

So at this stage, we have currently broken up. I am under no illusions about trying to get her back etc but I am really really hurt, and I am struggling to deal with this. She says things like "You can come up and see me in a couple of weeks" and it confuses me. I know all about breadcrumbs etc, but it still confuses me.

 

The things I struggle with most are the empty nights and the loneliness. I have tried to call a couple of my friends but they arent around, which is only making me feel more and more anxious and alone. I tried to talk to my ex, but she has become angry and told me to leave her alone (She is saying she has had a difficult day, and can't deal with me), which I found very very hurtful.

 

I know that NC here is probably the best option but if I am honest I am terrified of doing that, and the pain of a break up on top of my already existing mental health issues is too much for me, and I really don't know what to do.

[bummer]

Sorry it didnt work out again.

 

Next street fest try to get 3 phone numbers of people you connect with. Man or woman. Be braver than you care to be.

 

Try meetups as you hinted at previously.

 

Come share your prospective with us here.

[eternalspotless]

Today I went to a gathering of my classmates, as a celebration of us finishing the year at college. It was fun; I wasn't overly upset or anything.

 

On my way home, she called me and we were having a conversation about whatever. The topic then moved to the relationship, and we had a bit of a disagreement about something... I can't quite remember.

 

She has told me a couple of times since that she won't and hasn't changed her mind. That she no longer wishes to be intimate with me, or even be around me. Doesn't feel the same. All of those things.

 

I am feeling very, very low. I went through a break up a couple of years ago and I am petrified of feeling all of those emotions again. I am terrified. And I don't have anyone around me that can be there for me as I need. people have their own lives, that's fine. But I need help. And I don't know where to find it.

[bummer]

Glad you had a nice party.

 

Remember, we are hear 24/7 to listen.

 

Maybe swallow your pride and phone an old friend who's now married and successful or whatever, but someone you trust. Someone you know will shoot straight. Get over that lump of ego-centric pride and shame and just call. I never told any friends about my relationships and it was humbling telling my childhood friend I haven't seen in years (hey, I could trust him) about all my recent troubles. He was awestruck I was having it so rough but was supportive the same. I feel bad using him for an express purpose but i do feel better and it helped immensely.