Another broken engagement.

[sooshi]

Thank you BC1980 and devilish_innocent. I will think about your words some more.

 

I was at work earlier and thinking about how we could make it work, that I'd like to live in an intentional community, and that I'd be okay with us not having a title and not being the core partner and that I don't need to be prioritized.

 

I don't know. I can't tell if it's true or if I'm just trying to find some way to be with him. If that's the case, I am really sorry to myself.

 

What do you guys think? Do you think I'm just really trying too hard to salvage a relationship with him? I really don't want for him to have romantic encounters in our home, and I don't know what it would be like if he had children with other women, which he said he probably will want to do. I don't really know if I want a monogamous relationship--well, I think I do, but with someone who is self-sufficient and who doesn't NEED other people to fulfill their needs (he is neither).

 

Gah. I'm stuck. I know I shouldn't be. devilish_innocent, things seem so clear when you put it the way you did, but it's hard. I don't know why it has to be hard. It should be so easy.

 

I'm sorry. I know that if I read someone else saying all these things, it would be so clear to me. But I guess it's harder when it's actually me feeling these things.

[bummer]

Please take the time to reflect on all the bad he's brought to you as suggested. Don't rationalize it. Just write it all down and add to it over time.

 

Don't rationalize saving the relationship. Remember a few posts ago You said you like monogamy? You have yourself wrapped around his finger even though he's "trying" to say he's not really focussed on you. Start to built your self esteem back up and find some small boundaries to honor and then keep building those boundaries. You know what's right and wrong, honor those principles.

[devilish innocent]

I think you're attached to him and to the dreams you shared with him. Letting go of that would be painful. It's easier for you to hold on to hope that things could work out. That way you don't have to face the pain of losing him.

 

You really are going to be much better off without him. If it hurt to think of him with another woman, then the reality of that life would be even more painful.

 

There's a better future for you. You just have to get through the grief process first. Take it one day at a time, and remember that you are much better than what he had to offer.

[sooshi]

I appreciate your responses, bummer and devlish_innocent.

 

It is true that I am both attached to him and the dreams I shared with him, and that letting go of that would be painful. It is painful.

 

I've deactivated my FB account for now. Maybe that will help, I don't know.

 

He hasn't made the most compassionate choices at times, but he has apologized genuinely and sincerely for those choices. I haven't always been amazingly compassionate, either. I didn't take it well when he brought up another woman, for instance.

 

Maybe it's not the same thing, I don't know.

 

I don't really know anything right now. Too much pain to see things clearly.

[BC1980]

I appreciate your responses, bummer and devlish_innocent.

 

It is true that I am both attached to him and the dreams I shared with him, and that letting go of that would be painful. It is painful.

 

I've deactivated my FB account for now. Maybe that will help, I don't know.

 

He hasn't made the most compassionate choices at times, but he has apologized genuinely and sincerely for those choices. I haven't always been amazingly compassionate, either. I didn't take it well when he brought up another woman, for instance.

 

Maybe it's not the same thing, I don't know.

 

I don't really know anything right now. Too much pain to see things clearly.

 

I think you need to detox from him and gain perspective. Time and distance can do that. It might take a long while. You were with him for quite some time and were engaged. Deactivating FB is a good step. Either that, or block him.

[sooshi]

Thanks for being here for me, BC1980. I think it will take a long while.

 

I appreciate your support. Take care.

[sooshi]

I recently saw my ex treating everyone on Facebook with equal importance--as in, complimenting them like they are gods and goddesses (ex., telling them that he falls in love with them every day all over again, when he barely knows many of them. He also made a video where he said that when he meets women he loves romantically who he can tell them, "Honey, I met a gentleman on the street today, and he's just as important to me as you are," and have her swoon over that statement, that those are some cool ladies.

 

I guess I'm not a cool lady.

 

What are your thoughts? I just can't imagine him telling his mom or something that he just met a stranger and that the stranger is just as important to him as his mom is.

 

He believes we are all ONE, so to invest more love and energy into one over another shows that one person is more favourable over another, but he knows in his heart of hearts that we're all one, so the favourable-ness is just an illusion.

 

Is his attitude sustainable? Do you think it's REAL? Truly authentic? He feels it is, because if we're one, and you're behaving in any way that is contrary to oneness, it must not be authentic. He's also into free love; wants no relationship title, doesn't believe in having romantic partners, etc., and that we should just love freely, whoever we want, and have no restrictions in doing so, basically. He thinks he'll probably have children with multiple women, and they'll all live together as a big, happy family.

 

Thanks for reading. I needed to hear myself saying things to help me really realize that we want different things and that it wouldn't have worked out.

Edited June 14, 2016 by sooshi

[lana-banana]

Your ex sounds like an aspiring cult leader---that is to say, a narcissist and a manipulator who needs the adulation of others the way normal people need oxygen.

 

But more than that, he's completely irrelevant to your life now. You shouldn't be reading his posts. You shouldn't be paying attention to anything he says. You really need to detox from this guy, even moreso than in a regular relationship, because he has such a strong hold on you and he spent so long toying with your emotions.

 

The first step to breaking his grip is staying out of his reach. That means no contact, indirect or otherwise. Block him now for the sake of your own healing.

[BC1980]

I recently saw my ex treating everyone on Facebook with equal importance--as in, complimenting them like they are gods and goddesses (ex., telling them that he falls in love with them every day all over again, when he barely knows many of them. He also made a video where he said that when he meets women he loves romantically who he can tell them, "Honey, I met a gentleman on the street today, and he's just as important to me as you are," and have her swoon over that statement, that those are some cool ladies.

 

I guess I'm not a cool lady.

 

What are your thoughts? I just can't imagine him telling his mom or something that he just met a stranger and that the stranger is just as important to him as his mom is.

 

He believes we are all ONE, so to invest more love and energy into one over another shows that one person is more favourable over another, but he knows in his heart of hearts that we're all one, so the favourable-ness is just an illusion.

 

Is his attitude sustainable? Do you think it's REAL? Truly authentic? He feels it is, because if we're one, and you're behaving in any way that is contrary to oneness, it must not be authentic. He's also into free love; wants no relationship title, doesn't believe in having romantic partners, etc., and that we should just love freely, whoever we want, and have no restrictions in doing so, basically. He thinks he'll probably have children with multiple women, and they'll all live together as a big, happy family.

 

Thanks for reading. I needed to hear myself saying things to help me really realize that we want different things and that it wouldn't have worked out.

 

I'm all for being open, but he sounds a bit out there to me. He does kind of sound like a cult leader like Lana said. That's fine if he wants to go with that philosophy, but most people aren't going to be into that. I certainly couldn't tolerate it. It's sounds utopian on paper, but, in practice, it would play out differently. We are subject to jealousy and other normal emotions. We naturally place more value on certain people.

 

But you really don't need to be concerned with it. People can do as they please, but it's good that you repeating to yourself why you aren't compatible. I would block him on social media because no good will come of you peeking into his life. It won't help you move on.

[sooshi]

Thanks for your thoughts, lana and BC. It's not the first time he's behaving like this. He did it last year, as the result of an experience with psychedelic drugs. We weren't speaking at the time. Now, he's not taking any of that stuff, but it's happening again. It's really weird because he wasn't like this a month ago.

 

Anyway, someone else messaged me on here and also said how it sounded like he was leading towards being a cult leader, and I was surprised to see two others feel the same way. When I think about it, you're all right. In person, he's nothing like that, so it's confusing to me. Or maybe he was like that in person when he was preaching oneness last year.

 

I agree with you, BC, that we naturally place value on some over others, even if we don't mean to. I've never met anyone on here in person, but I know I'm more attached to certain people anyway. But I'm not going to say that I fall in love with you more and more every single day, because that isn't true, even if I think we're all one. I can say that I really like you and think you're awesome, because that's true.

 

I've deactivated my Facebook and plan to (hope to) keep it that way at least into the fall. I hope space and time apart will help.

 

Thanks, lana and BC, for your support and for being direct with me.

[Buddhist]

He also made a video where he said that when he meets women he loves romantically who he can tell them, "Honey, I met a gentleman on the street today, and he's just as important to me as you are," and have her swoon over that statement, that those are some cool ladies.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

My thoughts are anyone who truly believes in the one-ness of life is the person least likely to be making YouTube video's about it. What's the YouTube vid for? Except to gain attention for himself.

 

Unfortunately the new age is full of self-professed prophets of this nature. Once they mention the low cost of $24.99 though.....you know where their true love lies.

 

As someone who is earnestly trying to accept the notion we are all 'one' I can assure you it doesn't happen in a matter of months and nor does it require YouTube video's to tell the world. I struggle most days with that notion, as does everyone.

 

Is his attitude sustainable? Do you think it's REAL? Truly authentic? He feels it is, because if we're one, and you're behaving in any way that is contrary to oneness, it must not be authentic. He's also into free love; wants no relationship title, doesn't believe in having romantic partners, etc., and that we should just love freely, whoever we want, and have no restrictions in doing so, basically. He thinks he'll probably have children with multiple women, and they'll all live together as a big, happy family.

 

Yeah okay. So his idea of one-ness is basically just sleeping with lots of women? It sounds like he's conveniently latched onto a concept that supports his notion of polyamory relationships. It would be more authentic if he just came straight out and said he was into polyamory. You'll note he's not heading off into the 3rd World to share his notions of one-ness by giving to the poor, needy and working alongside them. Nope, he's going to focus his one-ness on attractive bonable women in his neighbourhood.

 

You could send him this link.....which basically states that the next evolution in 'love' is to stop seeking an orgasm during sex. We'll see how deep his convictions on one-ness really are.

 

Edited June 15, 2016 by Buddhist

[sooshi]

Thanks for your reply, Buddhist.

 

It wasn't a Youtube video, but a Facebook one. I get what you're saying though. He has posted Youtube videos in the past and spoken of oneness.

 

He is openly polyamorous. He thinks it is the natural way for humans to be, and that we'll all reach that stage when we've transcended jealousy.

 

When he said he didn't want partners and just wanted to lovely freely, I asked if that meant he doesn't want commitment. He responded with saying how he is deeply committed to every living being. I didn't think to ask what that meant or looked like, but it seems that to him, it means treating everyone just the same (ie. not showing favouring one over another, not investing more love/energy into one over another) and complimenting them a whole lot, even when he barely knows them.

 

He is interested in doing the sex-without-orgasm thing but hasn't felt ready for that yet. I don't know, maybe he has done it with someone by now.

 

He doesn't have any income or savings and so he can't give to those in need at this time in that way.

[The_Dork_Lard]

You'll note he's not heading off into the 3rd World to share his notions of one-ness by giving to the poor, needy and working alongside them. Nope, he's going to focus his one-ness on attractive bonable women in his neighbourhood.

 

 

Ha ha ha ha. This definitely says it all. He may espouse the virtue of one-ness, but he certainly places himself slightly above that notion, otherwise he'd be on the streets of Calcutta hugging the moldy and diseased. He's got cult leader written all over him.

[sooshi]

I'd never considered that he carries himself like a cult leader until a few people on here mentioned it. I don't think he intends to have a cult, but that he's very deeply attached to the notion of oneness, and is trying to live it any way he can.

 

Maybe that is a cult, I'm not sure.

 

I appreciate your response, everyone. It helps. It's still hard to not have him in my life anymore though. Your support means so much to me. Thank you.

[CarrieT]

Sooshi, if you block him on FB, you won't see his posts and they won't bother you so much.

 

Just say'n....

[sooshi]

<3 Thanks, Carrie. I know. It's just hard for me to block him. I would probably need to block all of our mutual friends too, including several of his family members. It would be hard for me to remain in contact with any of them if he's not in my life.

 

I still want him in my life. It's just hard for me right now.

[CarrieT]

You are making it hard on yourself. You want an idealized, fantasy version of him in your life - not the guy as he actually is because that guy hurts you.

 

You can ask mutual friends to not talk to you about him.

 

But go ahead and self-flagellate yourself, if you think it will help.

[sooshi]

The thing is, I really only used Facebook to communicate with him. So now I don't have any strong enough motivation to be on there.

 

And you're right about the version of him I want in my life.

 

I had planned to visit him for the weekend a few days after the "break up" (he put it in quotes) and he said I was welcome to visit and that I would see that nothing had changed. When I didn't respond to his messages for a few days, he said literally nothing changed except me. I guess I'm not as enlightened or as evolved as he is, because removing the status of our relationship was important to him and hurtful to me. He asked if I value status over connection, which I felt judged by. I felt bad that, yeah, it means something to me to be someone's partner, and that I'm not enlightened enough not to care about that. He wanted us to keep talking and to not have really anything change, except for us to not place unfair expectations on each other. I guess for him that means, he didn't want to be a partner because he didn't want the expectations that go along with it.

 

Sorry, guys. You're probably flustered with me right now. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Edited June 16, 2016 by sooshi

[sooshi]

I've decided to make a list of some of the differences between what we want. I think it will be helpful. If you have anything else to add, or any comments, please share. It helps to hear others be direct about this.

 

1) He wants to live in a commune with free love, and sleep with anyone who shares mutual attraction and feelings.

I don't. I think living in an intentional community is cool and it resonates with me (the right kind, anyway), but I'm not interested in free love.

 

2) He thinks he'll probably want to have children with multiple women, and they'll all live together to be a happy family.

Maybe that will happen, but I don't want to be a part of that. Before I knew that he wanted this, I said I was open to having other people help raise our children, but I didn't realize he wanted to HAVE children with other women.

 

3) He wants to live with other women with whom he has a romantic interest in. So, basically the communal thing.

I don't think I'd be comfortable with that. I guess I am not enlightened or evolved enough to be able to handle that gracefully.

 

4) He doesn't want partners. He just wants to love freely. He thinks having a label such as "partner" is unhelpful and creates expectations. He longer wanted to refer to me as a partner, fiance, etc.

I want a partner.

 

5) He has absolutely no fear of contracting STDs (he believes that if you do not fear something, then you won't attract it), so he will only use protection if the woman is not using birth control.

I am not comfortable with that and said I care about my body/health. He said we would have to some kind of compromise, but I think he would be unhappy with using protection when he feels it's unnecessary.

 

6) Shortly we broke up, he said, if we were to 'break up,' that he'd still love me, etc. To him, a break up seems not to be a real thing, just a change in the form in the relationship. I get that. But to me, it means many dreams crushed, and it seems like he couldn't really see that or feel that. He said if I were to visit him (we live in different countries), that I would see nothing had changed. I'm not interested in being friends and having romance. It's important to me to have a healthy respect for myself, which I'm working on developing, in part by really focusing on what I actually want (rather than bending backwards to conform to what he wants). Writing this list helps.

 

I've tried to be okay with EVERYTHING I've mentioned in this list. I'd go to work and think about how I'd be okay with him having children with other women, us all living together, me not being a partner or prioritized, etc. But that's not actually what I want. I'm sorry, sooshi, for caring more about trying to salvage this relationship than about your own true desires and values.

Edited June 17, 2016 by sooshi

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Sooshi I read most of your thread and what really stood out for me was this idea that you say your dreams are crushed. Something that has helped me in my time of grief is differentiating between what my fantasy dreams were and what the reality is.

 

By saying that I mean, you say you were already feeling uncomfortable and insecure about his current other partners so what exactly did those dreams entail for after you got married? Was it the being married part and spending the rest of your life with this particular man? Because the reality is that after marriage your problems would still persist and in fact become even more burdensome.

 

Learn to tell yourself what you would have had with this man vs what you fantasize you "could" have had. You already know what you would have had because you lived it and after marriage it would have been even worse, with more needs for him to "be free and love freely" while you were at home taking care of the kids feeling alone and with your needs unmet etc.

 

Is this really the life you dreamed of? If so it shouldn't be too hard to find other men that want their cake and eat it too.

 

But if it isn't, then give yourself a good wake-up and focus on the fact that you would never have been satisfied with a man who needs several partners and an open relationship with no commitments, you would have been alone either way.. There is no lonelier feeling than loving someone who cannot devote their love solely to you.

 

Keep working on yourself and yes you DO deserve a healthy man who will love you and only you. Believe that because they are out there.

[sooshi]

Sunkissedpatio, thank you for your response. I agree with everything you said.

 

He didn't have other partners while we were together, although I don't know about now. He was spending time with a married woman who was in an open relationship towards the end of our relationship, but I don't know what went on between them (he asked if I wanted to know, and I said no.)

 

Knowing the distinction between my dreams of fantasy, and the reality of those dreams, is so important. Thank you for reminding me. The reality is, he wanted to be married to me (only because it's the only way for us to be together physically), and I thought it was for more meaningful reasons. He wants to spend time away with other women, etc. I tried to be okay with all of this, thinking that I don't need much. But yeah, I don't believe anymore that I would've been comfortable with this.

 

When I asked if this would mean that I would be home and taking care of the children on my own while he's out with other women, he asked why would I have to be at home alone--so, back to the communal thing, I guess. We had never spoken about the communal thing while we were together, and even when we did bring it up when we weren't together, there was never any mention about a free love-type setting.

 

I will keep working on myself. Your thoughts have been a good wake-up for me. Thank you so much.