hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 He's not at fault for calling his partner dumb? In what sort of healthy relationship is that acceptable? I never said they should be together, did I? They're obviously not going to have a healthy relationship. Acting like the guy is fundamentally unfit for healthy relationships without knowing the details is what I objected to. We don't know that. Different pots have different lids.
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 I never said they should be together, did I? They're obviously not going to have a healthy relationship. Acting like the guy is fundamentally unfit for healthy relationships without knowing the details is what I objected to. We don't know that. Different pots have different lids. You keep sidestepping the basic issue here. We know he calls her dumb. Is that or isn't that acceptable behavior between partners? 1
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You keep sidestepping the basic issue here. We know he calls her dumb. Is that or isn't that acceptable behavior between partners? Nah I'm not sidestepping anything. If to the best of his ability to perceive the world, from the most objective standpoint that he can construct, she's being dumb? Then yes. He should tell her. And she should decide he's an a** and break up with him. That's a relationship running its course in an honest way.
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Nah I'm not sidestepping anything. If to the best of his ability to perceive the world, from the most objective standpoint that he can construct, she's being dumb? Then yes. He should tell her. And she should decide he's an a** and break up with him. That's a relationship running its course in an honest way. Ok fair enough, you think it's ok to call your partner dumb. I hope women generally give you a wide berth too, bc I think it's pretty universally accepted that insults and animosity play no part in healthy relationships. 1
Trout Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Ok fair enough, you think it's ok to call your partner dumb. I hope women generally give you a wide berth too, bc I think it's pretty universally accepted that insults and animosity play no part in healthy relationships. Right. Insults and deliberate hurtfulness should be off the menu 2
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Nah I'm not sidestepping anything. If to the best of his ability to perceive the world, from the most objective standpoint that he can construct, she's being dumb? Then yes. He should tell her. And she should decide he's an a** and break up with him. That's a relationship running its course in an honest way. You have a daughter? How would you feel if you heard her boyfriend call her dumb? I remember when my daughter had her first real boyfriend at 17. She came back home crying one day. I asked what was going on and she said she had broken up with her boyfriend because he had called her stupid. I paused and I repeated: You dumped your boyfriend because he called you stupid? She said yes. I told her I had never been SO PROUD of her!!! 2
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You have a daughter? How would you feel if you heard her boyfriend call her dumb? I remember when my daughter had her first real boyfriend at 17. She came back home crying one day. I asked what was going on and she said she had broken up with her boyfriend because he had called her stupid. I paused and I repeated: You dumped your boyfriend because he called you stupid? She said yes. I told her I had never been SO PROUD of her!!! I'd tell her to dump him. Just like I'd tell OP to dump this guy. That's not the point though. And frankly, the point seems lost on everyone so why bother.
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Ok fair enough, you think it's ok to call your partner dumb. I hope women generally give you a wide berth too, bc I think it's pretty universally accepted that insults and animosity play no part in healthy relationships. Again, when did I say anything about insults being healthy? There are 7.2 billion people on earth and not all of them are capable of having healthy relationships with one another.
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Again, when did I say anything about insults being healthy? There are 7.2 billion people on earth and not all of them are capable of having healthy relationships with one another. You said they were acceptable, when I asked you if they were and you answered yes.
preraph Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 8 months now and I've been troubled by this for a while now; Whenever I tell him how I feel or when I'm upset, he doesn't try to help me, he just gets mad or moody himself because of me which obviously makes me feel worse. Also, when I'm not happy about something and try to tell him about it, he gets mad and over exaggerates everything, for example, I asked him not to do something so much, once in a while is ok... And then he would proceed to saying how he would never ever do it again (sarcastically of course) and speaks about it as if it's my fault for feeling this way. Another thing that upset me was when he asked about what I'm scared of, I said 'cats, flying and needles'.. I know they're very illogical I guess but my boyfriend calls me dumb and illogical all the time for it. He is a very sweet guy and I do love him a lot but these things makes me feel like I am dumb and not good enough. Seriously? I don't know what you think is sweet about him, but nothing you've described is so far. I'm sure he's very sweet when he wants sex. Otherwise, his agenda seems to be to make you feel inferior and not deal with you as a person other than to call you stupid. Open your eyes.
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You said they were acceptable, when I asked you if they were and you answered yes. Yeah. It's acceptable for him to say what's on his mind so she can dump him and they can both look for someone else. Not every disagreement is rooted in malice and we don't know the details of the OP's story so the rush to judgement is pretty damn harsh if you ask me.
preraph Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Calling one's partner dumb is a big No No. Saying that person is illogical is acceptable. Failing to listen & empathize when the partner is upset makes them a bad partner. My husband is as stoic as they come. He doesn't "do" emotions according to him. But when I am upset I explained to him that he doesn't have to understand, he doesn't have to fix it, all he has to do is hug & tell me it's going to be OK. He should also offer wine or ice cream. He was thrilled that I gave him specific instructions. He still doesn't always understand why something that he thinks is dumb reduces me to tears but he never calls me dumb, he just offers comfort. OP do you see the difference between my husband & your soon to be EX BF? Dump him now. Enjoy the summer before you move. Then go with a clean slate. That made my day! 2
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Yeah. It's acceptable for him to say what's on his mind so she can dump him and they can both look for someone else. Not every disagreement is rooted in malice and we don't know the details of the OP's story so the rush to judgement is pretty damn harsh if you ask me. You mean call her dumb, specifically. And it's harsh to condemn that?
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 You mean call her dumb, specifically. And it's harsh to condemn that? Its harsh to condemn HIM not THAT without knowing the details. Again, there's a difference.
Arieswoman Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 tiff0102, Please take the advice of someone who has been there. So please, please put as many airmiles as you can between yourself and this insensitive sack of runny poop. I married someone who was emotionally abusive. He belittled my feelings. If I got upset about anything he walked away or stonewalled me. He told me I was "too emotional" and "too sensitive". When I asked him why he was so uncaring and upset me, he said "I don't upset you, you only upset yourself". I came out of that marriage believing all the crap that he fed me for ages afterwards. Now he's with someone else and is no doubt emotionally abusing her Please don't make my mistake and stick around for more of the same. It gets worse, not better, believe me.
S_A Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 (edited) But what if they are doing something dumb and illogical? Assuming your partner did in fact do something dumb and illogical, I don't see how calling them that would be constructive. Sounds like a dumb and illogical approach. Not sure why anyone would take such an approach with someone they share a bed with. I've never called a GF stupid, dumb, or illogical. I've never cussed at a GF. I've never even told a GF to shut-up (jokingly or otherwise). And it's not like all my GF's have never made a mistake. Nah I'm not sidestepping anything. If to the best of his ability to perceive the world, from the most objective standpoint that he can construct, she's being dumb? Then yes. He should tell her. And she should decide he's an a** and break up with him. That's a relationship running its course in an honest way. Someone confusing honesty with being blunt. :| Edited May 25, 2016 by S_A
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Its harsh to condemn HIM not THAT without knowing the details. Again, there's a difference. How is a person not accountable for their words and behavior and the attitude they represent?
WhirlwindGuy Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Yeah, sweet ppl don't call their partners dumb and illogical. Absolutely this. Its part of a partners role to support, encourage and listen to their partner. Do not tolerate this.
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 How is a person not accountable for their words and behavior and the attitude they represent? He is accountable, the other party can vote with her feet.
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 He is accountable, the other party can vote with her feet. But you don't want him to be judged negatively by the rest of us, using the same criteria as would allow her to vote w/her feet?
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 But you don't want him to be judged negatively by the rest of us, using the same criteria as would allow her to vote w/her feet? Like I said, the rest of us don't know the details. OP does.
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Like I said, the rest of us don't know the details. OP does. Round and round ....we do know the detail that he calls her dumb. Which you said is good enough for her to dump him for but for some reason don't want the rest of us to judge him for. Is it so hard to just say yes, it's wrong for someone to call their partner dumb? I kinda feel bad for you at this point.
hasaquestion Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Round and round ....we do know the detail that he calls her dumb. Which you said is good enough for her to dump him for but for some reason don't want the rest of us to judge him for. Is it so hard to just say yes, it's wrong for someone to call their partner dumb? I kinda feel bad for you at this point. Yeah that's exactly how I see it. OP told us how she feels. That's plenty of cause to dump him. But I'm not going to judge the guy outside of that lens. Why do you feel bad for me?
jen1447 Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Yeah that's exactly how I see it. OP told us how she feels. That's plenty of cause to dump him. But I'm not going to judge the guy outside of that lens. Why do you feel bad for me? Bc you're just dogmatically clinging to your position at this point. I don't think I can illustrate it any more clearly. 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 25, 2016 Posted May 25, 2016 Another thing that upset me was when he asked about what I'm scared of, I said 'cats, flying and needles'.. I know they're very illogical I guess but my boyfriend calls me dumb and illogical all the time for it. Perhaps even more important than this male partner, who will find himself detached from Tiff soon enough, is the strong feeling that there is nothing "dumb" about those fears. Being "afraid of needles" is very common (unless one fears them being in a box under the bed and leaping up at night) Being "afraid of flying" is similarly common. And being "afraid of cats" isn't at all outlandish (I'm afraid of mine sometimes) ... (an early, negative experience with cats could very sensibly inspire such a fear) There is nothing "dumb" about any of that... so hopefully you will evolve to be less critical of yourself, and then outsider humans won't affect you as much tangent to those fears.
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