Choosing between my kids & and my girlfriend

[d0nnivain]

Some things are just meant to be. If you break up with this woman, what happens to the child you have with her? Are you really going to pick your kids with your late wife over your new child?

 

 

It is what it is. Your wife died. Please accept my condolences on that. You quickly met somebody else & less than a year later you procreated with that person.

 

 

You made this bed. Now lie in it. Keeping your GF/baby mama close gets you a companion and all of your children have a mother figure. It sounds like a win win. Your kids will be OK as they grow up because your GF will have always been around.

[elaine567]

You made this bed. Now lie in it. Keeping your GF/baby mama close gets you a companion and all of your children have a mother figure. It sounds like a win win. Your kids will be OK as they grow up because your GF will have always been around.

 

She has the added bonus of being invested in the family with her very own addition to it.

Had she been and continued to be merely an "onlooker", then her emotional investment in your family may have waned. As it is she is entrenched here, which must be a good thing for your kids..

[Lois_Griffin]

Ok, so I'll clear some things up. We met/been seeing each other since March of 2015, she met the kids in July of 2015, and moved in end of October 2015. Our son was born this past February.

Well I'm going to sound cold, but what the hell were you THINKING? Getting some woman pregnant then moving her into your house with your kids 3 months after they met her then forcing a baby brother on them on top of it?

 

I repeat.

 

What the HELL were you thinking?

[Toodaloo]

I have been in your girlfriends position (minus baby).

 

One day his "guilt" at dating someone else ended us. He broke my mind, heart, everything. I didn't just loose him I also lost "my" babies. Because believe you me I loved those children just as much as if I had given birth to them...

 

Traumatic times.

 

Here is what I suggest.

 

Most importantly - Get some therapy for the loss of your wife.

 

Keep memories of your wife and talk to your children about her but make sure there is space for your girlfriend. Do not push her aside thinking that you have to immortalise your wife... You don't. She will always hold a piece of your heart and you will always love her but it is still OK to move on. Treasure your memories rather than revere them.

 

Live. You have a whole life ahead of you and so do your children. So live.

 

What happened is awful but when did your wife ever say she wanted you to be miserable? So respect her wishes for you to be happy and live.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well I'm going to sound cold, but what the hell were you THINKING? Getting some woman pregnant then moving her into your house with your kids 3 months after they met her then forcing a baby brother on them on top of it?

 

I repeat.

 

What the HELL were you thinking?

 

While I totally believe you're justified to an extent, to challenge him with this rhetoric, I don't think it can be of any help, because the deed is done, cannot be undone, and things have progressed somewhat from "wife died, met GF, made her pregnant, she moved in."

 

I'm certain that there was enough discussion about all this to fill several volumes.... And while the pregnancy itself might have been both unplanned AND foolish - the baby is here, and they're parents.

 

So yes, by all means throw down a challenging gauntlet.

 

But what purpose can it serve now?

[NTV]

NO.

He has 4 children, one daughter and two sons from his marriage and a 4 month old new baby with his gf.

 

 

 

NTV= Good at advice; bad at counting.

 

 

 

 

Even more reason to count blessings.

[d0nnivain]

Well I'm going to sound cold, but what the hell were you THINKING? Getting some woman pregnant then moving her into your house with your kids 3 months after they met her then forcing a baby brother on them on top of it?

 

I repeat.

 

What the HELL were you thinking?

 

Lois

 

While I agree with you. I also agree with TaraMaiden. All these kids are already here. At this point, OP & his GF need to start acting like responsible adults & do what is best for all of the kids involved. Their prior decisions to act like teens & let their hormones drive the bus, resulted in further complications. Now as adults they have to suck it up, behave maturely & civilly & take care of ALL the kids. If that is together, fine. If it's apart, OK. But breaking up with the baby mama isn't going to bring OP's wife back. What they all need now is love, patience, maturity & understanding as well as some ability to put their own needs aside for the sake of all the children. I think this mess has some shot at a happy ending if the 2 adults stop thinking about themselves & work to give these kids unconditionally love & have them accept their blessings as siblings with 2 adults who care about them who are willing to nurture & teach them. If the adults continue to act in their own selfish interests these kids will all end up a mess as teens.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well I'm going to sound cold, but what the hell were you THINKING? Getting some woman pregnant then moving her into your house with your kids 3 months after they met her then forcing a baby brother on them on top of it?

 

I repeat.

 

What the HELL were you thinking?

 

Although I agree with the sentiment, what possible purpose can this serve now other than to make a grieving widower feel even worse about his situation? It's done. The kids are here, the gf is in the house and the family has bonded. I assumed (erroneously possibly) there'd been some kind of failure of birth control (it happens) and that they decided to make a go of it hence moving in. Who can possibly know? But berating someone for something they did over a year ago, while in an incredibly fragile state of mind, is pointless and cruel.

[sc0316]

So far, all the focus has been on the well-being of the OP and the kids, how about the gf? It must be incredibly overwhelming to care for one baby plus two toddlers plus one small kid? I assume she's quite young and never married?

[d0nnivain]

So far, all the focus has been on the well-being of the OP and the kids, how about the gf? It must be incredibly overwhelming to care for one baby plus two toddlers plus one small kid? I assume she's quite young and never married?

 

Perhaps but she knew his situation when they got involved. At the very least she knew the situation when she chose to continue her pregnancy & keep the baby. The GF is also not the one on here asking Qs.

[acrosstheuniverse]

So far, all the focus has been on the well-being of the OP and the kids, how about the gf? It must be incredibly overwhelming to care for one baby plus two toddlers plus one small kid? I assume she's quite young and never married?

 

 

Why would anyone here be focusing on the girlfriend and how she's coping when she isn't the one who came here and posted? What could we possibly know, or say about her? She knew what she was dealing with dating and then getting pregnant by a recent widower with small kids and chose to continue the R/pregnancy. If she needs support that's on her to reach out, this thread is to support and offer advice to the person reaching out for help.

[Cherryz]

Maybe you feel this pressure because you start to fast with bringing this women around.

 

You dont need to choose. And if you ever have to sure choose for your kids.

 

But i think in this situation you just need to take few steps back and take things slow.

Give yourself and your kids time and space to mourn about this great lost.

And also take your time to know this women and her intention and so on.

You know this woman 1 year only. Thats not long and its the honeymoon period.

 

So take time to get to know her. And see what happen.

And keep her away from your kids till you see this is a good person for you and your kids.

Dont introduce her ever as mom or something like that. But as your friend.

And when its really something stable you can introduce her as your girlfriend.

But in real baby steps.

 

Think about your kids feelings. And dont jump into living together out of the blue.

But always talk with your kids about it first.

But rigth now its to early for that. So just get to know her. And dont introduce her to fast to the kids.

Take time to know her.

And also make sure you get some therapy for your kids. And also ask advice to the therapist about your situation and a new gf.How you should deal with it.

[FourBrit]

Ok lots of responses since last night. I want to say that I very much appreciate all the help you guys have given me.

 

acrosstheuniverse the kids have brought up their mother from time to time and as I said, we made her a special card on mother's day the 4 of us and anytime they have a question I do the best to answer it. My gf didn't know my wife but she doesn't seem uncomfortable or anything when the kids bring her up, she comforts them as well, saying such like your mom was an awesome lady, as her own mother died when she was 4 so she gets it. Maybe it would be nice for the kids to do something with the grands next month in honor of my wife.

 

amaysngrace by best friend I mean my daughter loves to do things with my girlfriend. She helps her cook, they do nails, play dress up. My dd was very much a mommy's girl and I think she really missed having that female/mother presence when my wife passed because she really clung to my gf instantaneously. They have a rather beautiful relationship for the most part but my gf is motherly to all the kids not just ours. She cooks, cleans, helps with homework, getting them ready, I mostly discipline, but she has on a few occasions as well.

 

Lois_Griffin believe me I know where you're coming from! I kicked myself when she first got pregnant because we (especially me) are definitely old enough to know better, but we weren't being careful and that's what happened. It wasn't my intention to move her in; in fact we had broken up by that point and maintaining a friendship for our son. I only introduced her to them because I wanted them to be okay with the baby without springing him on at the last minute; couldn't bring him home and say "hey guys, meet your new brother. Oh yeah, and this lady is his mom." We (my gf and I) were aiming for familiarity when she met the kids, but they really liked her from jump and that led her to begin spending more time with us. First it was just dinner a couple times a week, then she was coming to ballet recitals, my son's baseball games, school things as the kids, mostly my daughter, wanted her there. By October, she was around so most that it made sense to move her in, plus I was more attached to her as well and her living situation was sucky as well.

 

Toodaloo that's the last thing I want as I really love this woman. I've been so focused on my kids and her that I have neglected myself. I should have seeked out therapy when this first happened, but I was so convinced that I had to be strong for the children and just suck it up.

 

sc0316 believe me, I worry about how she's coping with everything as well. My gf has had a very hard life. Her mom (drug addict) died when she was 4, foster care til 18, a couple of abusive relationships after that. I had met her 2 months after her last relationship and the guy left her for her friend and threw her out (literally) and she was basically house hopping. There's a big age difference (she just made 22), was in her third year of undergrad, had no kids, no good relationships under her belt, and no idea what a happy family looked like so yeah, I was thinking "the mess I have made" when she got pregnant. I think she clicked so well with the kids because she's always wanted that closeness and love that she never received as a kid with a family; it's like she came into my life when we (her, the kids, and I) all needed each other the most. We have very good communication and talk about everything. She adores the kids, but sometimes she does get stressed even though she tries to conceal it from them. She's the type that afraid to let people down, not that she's letting the kids down in my opinion but she's worried about my daughter because she clings to her as she does and is thinking maybe they should spend more one on one time with her, more therapy, we're not sure how to handle it to be honest. I was very worried when she was becoming a bigger part of their lives, because they already lost one mom, but she reasoned that 1) she was going to be around because of our baby and 2) "if I can't handle your kids, how will I handle my own?" Also, my 3 year old has called her mommy and we have corrected him, (should we?) but my other 2 call her by her first name. When she's not around though, the older 2 will ask where's mommy Lai (her name is Laila) but they've never called her that to her.

 

We have discussed getting married and it's definitely something we both want sooner rather than later but not until some of these issues have dissipated and I think maybe some things I am making out of nothing, I don't know. She just graduated a couple of weeks ago so things will be a little less hectic at the moment. She thinks we should go on a family vaca when my daughter gets out of school.

[NTV]

 

 

 

 

 

sc0316 believe me, I worry about how she's coping with everything as well. My gf has had a very hard life. Her mom (drug addict) died when she was 4, foster care til 18, a couple of abusive relationships after that. I had met her 2 months after her last relationship and the guy left her for her friend and threw her out (literally) and she was basically house hopping. There's a big age difference (she just made 22), was in her third year of undergrad, had no kids, no good relationships under her belt, and no idea what a happy family looked like so yeah, I was thinking "the mess I have made" when she got pregnant. I think she clicked so well with the kids because she's always wanted that closeness and love that she never received as a kid with a family; it's like she came into my life when we (her, the kids, and I) all needed each other the most. We have very good communication and talk about everything. She adores the kids, but sometimes she does get stressed even though she tries to conceal it from them. She's the type that afraid to let people down, not that she's letting the kids down in my opinion but she's worried about my daughter because she clings to her as she does and is thinking maybe they should spend more one on one time with her, more therapy, we're not sure how to handle it to be honest. I was very worried when she was becoming a bigger part of their lives, because they already lost one mom, but she reasoned that 1) she was going to be around because of our baby and 2) "if I can't handle your kids, how will I handle my own?" Also, my 3 year old has called her mommy and we have corrected him, (should we?) but my other 2 call her by her first name. When she's not around though, the older 2 will ask where's mommy Lai (her name is Laila) but they've never called her that to her.

 

 

 

Dude, your situation just got a whole lot trickier with the whole foster care / never had a family thing.

 

 

This chick has found an immediate family like she never had, and you've got to walk a very fine line. All these new responsibilities, people relying on her... she may get overwhelmed and dash, push her away from this family thing she's been dreaming about and who knows how she'll react.

 

 

I think a frank discussion is called for, as well as a slow down on the marriage plans. If you guys don't do this the right way, you're probably juggling a ticking time-bomb between the two of you. Let her know that you have fears and what they are. Chances are she has just as many. Even folks in the best of circumstances have doubts about marriage, and you guys need to work through those completely before tying the knot.

[FourBrit]

Dude, your situation just got a whole lot trickier with the whole foster care / never had a family thing.

 

 

This chick has found an immediate family like she never had, and you've got to walk a very fine line. All these new responsibilities, people relying on her... she may get overwhelmed and dash, push her away from this family thing she's been dreaming about and who knows how she'll react.

 

 

I think a frank discussion is called for, as well as a slow down on the marriage plans. If you guys don't do this the right way, you're probably juggling a ticking time-bomb between the two of you. Let her know that you have fears and what they are. Chances are she has just as many. Even folks in the best of circumstances have doubts about marriage, and you guys need to work through those completely before tying the knot.

 

I agree with you 100%. We have discussed her past a lot and how because of everything that's happened we will not be rushing to the altar. It'll be 2, 2.5 years minimal before we do. I should also mention that she had began her own counseling when she was pregnant (didn't want to repeat her mother's mistakes) and it has helped her tremendously with her communicating her feelings to me as she used to not want to tell me anything for fear of "letting me down" or becoming a burden.

[sc0316]

So your gf was a college kid when she became a mommy to 4 children. OP: how old are you?

[FourBrit]

I just turned 39.

[NTV]

Every time life has major changes its a huge stressor. You have many many stressor right now. What is your plan? Have you wrote it down?

[FourBrit]

Every time life has major changes its a huge stressor. You have many many stressor right now. What is your plan? Have you wrote it down?

 

My plan in regards to what?

[NTV]

My plan in regards to what?

 

Life, future, family.

[FourBrit]

My plan is to support my family, try to resolve this situation with my daughter and my gf, possibly get my daughter into some counseling, get some counseling for myself, continue to support my gf in her counseling. She's going to start her new job in a couple of months, so that transition with the kids and managing my own business as well and just try to continue growing as a family. Get married some time down the line if everything continues to grow positively. Watch my kids grow, etc.

[kendahke]

I guess I'm worried about my older kids resenting the situation when they're older. Losing their mom was tough on them and yes, they really love my gf, but they still get upset about it especially my daughter. In fact, as of lately, like in the last month or so, my daughter goes from hot to cold with my gf because of her mom and I think it's giving me a glimpse into what could be a bad situation when they're older. Maybe I'm overthinking things, I don't know.

 

You need to sit down with your daughter, one on one, and tell her that you deeply loved her mother and that your girlfriend isn't there to replace her or erase the fact that she was once in both of your lives. As long as your girlfriend isn't trying to erase your late wife or is wanting them to call her Mum, then I see no real problem that a heartfelt conversation with your daughter can't handle.

 

You also need to make sure she understands that your feelings for her have not changed at all--you are still her father, you are still there and that you love her and her siblings: however, you're not going to allow her to be disrespectful towards this woman you've brought into their lives. It's a bit late to want to kick her out, seeing that she's borne your child. Is it fair to either of them to consider them an inconvenience after the fact?

 

Your daughter is probably a bit too young to understand that life goes on and that you need adult companionship; and let's face it--you have created a new life with this woman which means she and your new son aren't going anywhere soon.

 

If you are honest with them as their ages can bear and reassure them that you love them, you loved their mother and would still be with her had she not been taken from them, then that should stave off any feelings of resentment that are out of the ordinary. There will be some, as how can one get past those feelings of it being unfair to not have one's mother? But them resenting you moving on to the point where it's unwieldy generally happens when you have not reassured them in a heartfelt way that you love them and will never willingly leave them for anything or anyone.

[preraph]

What you have isn't a logistical problem that you need to choose between them. What you have is just guilt. Your kids are perfectly fine and better off having another mother as long as the girlfriend is happy to be that for them. You didn't actually say how SHE felt about it. You love her, your kids love her. As long as she is down with having an instant family, you have the best possible outcome after your sad tragedy. As kids get older, they will not accept ANY new girlfriend, so you better hang on to this one if she's willing. Your late wife would want them to have a nice woman helping take care of them.

[Bee4Shine]

This is a hard one. Do you intend on marrying your GF? It seems odd that you would bring someone into the lives of your kids, without the promise of commitment. Your kids will understand as many others in the past have, that life moves on and death is a part of life. It is how you handle it, how you talk to them. Do you keep your wife's memory as their mom alive and respected. Does your girlfriend understand the importance of this and embrace your wife as a good part of your history. Your children will respect you and your GF for the grace, compassion and kindness that you show to them, and also to your wife's memory. You are not unique my friend, in wanting to move on and do it right. Many have gone before you. I am sorry for your loss.

[Toodaloo]

We are asking you all these questions but you need to start at square one. You need to grieve for your wife and you need to reconcile that loss with your moving on and having this new relationship.

 

Your kids clearly adore your GF. Your GF clearly adores your children, all of them. You clearly adore them all.

 

Please do not screw this up by not paying attention to your emotional health.

 

For what its worth I think you made a good choice in your girlfriend. She is clearly one of a kind and very special. I think you have perhaps rushed a bit but you can't turn back the clock and I think you have made good choices for your family.

 

There are plenty of charities and resources available for grief counselling. Please seek them out. At the moment the only problem I see is that you feel guilt because you are happy. Please do not let that ruin this.

 

I can tell you now that when I split with my ex it was a relief because he just suddenly shut down. But leaving those children... That is still the fastest way to make me cry and I miss them every single day even all these years on. Its been over a decade...

 

Go and get some help to sort your emotions out. Right now its all confusing for you and you probably feel a bit messed up. Getting help will aid you to get those emotions and feelings reconciled.

 

Good luck OP - I am routing for you.