pasteurization Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Hi All-- About 6 months ago I broke up with someone wonderful to return to a previous significant other (with whom I'd had a long relationship). It very quickly became apparent that this was a mistake, and I tried to repair things with the wonderful one, but she was not interested, and said so. She obviously had been very hurt, and my multiple apologies were not helpful. I understand completely. I have not been in contact for about 4 months now, but I still think I made a big mistake. we were very compatible, and I would love to try to contact her one last time. I was going to send the following brief message (after another month or so), and wanted to get your thoughts on whether it sounds appropriate: I'm very sorry for the intrusion. I just wanted to say that I still think of you often, and If there's a possibility to talk over a coffee or lunch, please let me know. It would be really nice to see you again. I didn't want to drag it down with more apologies, since I'd already gone overboard with that. Your comments would be appreciated. P
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 You already dumped her to go back and bang your ex. No woman with high standards will ever tolerate that or settle for being the backup girl. It doesn't matter what any of us think though, she has already said no, so I hope you consider her feelings and not hurt her unnecessarily. 2
Author pasteurization Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Hi Scarlett-- Yes, I'm sure that's how it seems to her too, and I'm not hopeful of a positive response, but I'd like to give it the best try I can. Of course, the reality of the situation was much more complicated. I went back to someone who I had been with for a long time, and who made all kinds of promises, and I knew it was a mistake right away. It wasn't as simple as me just going back to bang an ex. But you're right-- there's no way to really make up for a mistake like that. I don't know what to do other than try, and I'm hoping that the right tone in a letter may just open the door a bit.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I understand it may not have felt like that but to her that is exactly what it would have felt like. A monumental rejection. She told you herself that she had been very hurt by it, which is why she didn't want to try again. Imagine how it would feel if this wonderful woman had turned around and dumped you for her ex. The feelings of rejection, not being good enough, jealousy, anger, and disappointment. While you are sitting there in tears missing them, you know they are off having a great time shagging their ex. It takes a lot to get over something like that. The reason why I am saying this is because reaching out to her now may set her back and make her feel all those horrible emotions again. You need to be absolutely sure that you are doing this for the right reasons, and not at her expense. Think it over carefully. 1
LD1990 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 You should leave her alone. If she was that special you wouldn't have dumped her for someone else. From her response when you first tried to get her back, it sounds like she's not going to forget that you picked your ex over her, and who can blame her? 2
Author pasteurization Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks Scarlett and LD 1990-- I understand how brutal it can be to be dumped like that. I've been in exactly the same situation as the dumpee-- someone left me to go back with their ex. I was devastated, yet a few months later I know I would have responded to an offer to talk to her (in my case the offer never came). I don't blame the dumper in all cases. Yes, like all people, some are inconsiderate jerks, but I also know that decent people can act horribly in these kinds of circumstances and that with matters of the heart a lot of mess can take place. The woman I'm trying to reconnect with is a bit different, and less likely to respond. I know that she is pretty hard-line about this stuff, and as I said, I'm not hopeful. I am, however, very regretful, willing to make it up to her if I can, and just want to have the best chance at that. Any other advice about how to approach this would be very appreciated.
266696687 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks Scarlett and LD 1990-- I understand how brutal it can be to be dumped like that. I've been in exactly the same situation as the dumpee-- someone left me to go back with their ex. I was devastated, yet a few months later I know I would have responded to an offer to talk to her (in my case the offer never came). I don't blame the dumper in all cases. Yes, like all people, some are inconsiderate jerks, but I also know that decent people can act horribly in these kinds of circumstances and that with matters of the heart a lot of mess can take place. The woman I'm trying to reconnect with is a bit different, and less likely to respond. I know that she is pretty hard-line about this stuff, and as I said, I'm not hopeful. I am, however, very regretful, willing to make it up to her if I can, and just want to have the best chance at that. Any other advice about how to approach this would be very appreciated. How did you end things with her? Did she know you was returning to your ex? Did you tell her or did she find out from someone else after you ended the relationship?
privategal Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 If you are going to try again...consider if your continued contact is hurting her while she is trying to heal and move on. If you still think it is ok...go big. Email is impersonal. Flowers and a heartfelt card with a dinner request...at the very least a phonecall. Maybe show up in person if you dont feel it wouldnt be too intrusive. Personally Id let go as you apologized and she knows where you stand so she can reach out if she wants but if you cant let it go or rest, I wouldnt wait another month....if she wont want you to talk to her in 4 months, she will feel the same in 5 months so the time is now if you are going to try.
Satu Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 snip Hi All-- *Your comments would be appreciated. P *You should spend some time alone, getting your head straight, and learning what the words *love* and *commitment* mean. I hope this wonderful person has the good sense to throw your letter in the recycler, where it can be put to some good use. Take care. 4
Zahara Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 I was in this exact position. When he came back and told me he made a huge mistake, I told him that I could never trust him again. I never took him back. It would be best for you to stay on your own for awhile. It's only been months since you left her and months since you left your previous significant other. It reeks of you using her as a fallback. She's probably still working through pain and hurt from what you did. If anything, give her the respect of space and time before you even contemplate roping her back in again. It'll help you also find emotional clarity and figure if you're trying to get back with her for all the wrong reasons. I know when my ex did that, I felt insulted because in my head all I could think of was that he's come back only because it didn't work out with his other ex. Essentially, I was the second choice. Worst of all, it made me feel like he had no consideration as to how I was feeling but rather was more concerned about getting his own needs/wants met. 4
Simon Phoenix Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Sounds like you're a bit of a vine swinger. I think alone time is what you need, not to try to get back with a girl you dumped on a whim.
Author pasteurization Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks all for the advice--- 266696687---I ended it with her before anything happened between me and the ex-- really as soon as the ex came back into my life. I was remorseful, and just told her the truth---she didn't find out after the fact from others. I hope that at least makes it seem a little less awful. Satu-- I understand where you're coming from. I really do. That the right way to handle these things is just to eliminate someone from your life when they've done awful things to you. But when I look at my own life, sometimes the hard line isn't so clear. My very best friend is someone who hurt me very badly, and who it would have been easy and justifiable to cut out of my life forever. But my life would have been much worse in the end. This is someone who I now would trust with my life. I realize not everyone feels this way... Zahara-- I think your'e right. I need to wait. That was my initial feeling, and I don't at all want to come back too soon and make things worse. I agree that it needs to be well considered and thoughtful, and at the point where emotion plays less of a part. What do you think is a good amount of time? 8 months? A year? It's hard to judge. Privategal-- I think going big now would really drive her away more. I just know her well enough to sense that. I think waiting and seeing how it feels after more time has gone by would be better for everyone... I just don't know the best time-- too soon and you dredge up bad memories, and too long and there is not much left to revive. And SimonPhoenix-- I've been doing the alone thing since all this happened, and intend to keep doing it until I'm in a completely, or much better place. No vine swinging. Thanks, and I appreciate it. P
Zahara Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Zahara-- I think your'e right. I need to wait. That was my initial feeling, and I don't at all want to come back too soon and make things worse. I agree that it needs to be well considered and thoughtful, and at the point where emotion plays less of a part. What do you think is a good amount of time? 8 months? A year? It's hard to judge. A lot can happen in a year. She may feel differently about you. There's no way to gauge what would be an appropriate time for you to revisit her because this isn't about you. This is about her and we don't know how she feels and how contact may affect her. The fact that she has declined your wishes several times is indicative that she is likely never going to revisit this again. Once that trust is gone, it's never coming back. To her, you are a huge risk and one she will not take. You too may feel differently about her. If she was important and significant in your life, you would have never done this to her. It also seems that you were possibly with her because you had not resolved your feelings for your ex and that's why you checked out as soon as she contacted you -- I have to think if another nail in that coffin is your "wonderful woman" wondering if she was just a rebound. In that sense, who even knows whether what you are feeling now for her is trustworthy. So take as much time as possible and be alone, if that means a year. It's only been a few months since hearts have been broken. 1
privategal Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Some people feel like...they spent all this time healing and moving on and there comes the ex after all these momths...then they resent the contact as they have come too far to turn back now. Like why after 6 months did he write? It seems better to me that you give a final shot on the earlier end idk. How about a simple coffee request or can I call you? Id avoid how are you. Id avoid emotion. Id rather an ex try sooner than later too. 1
Author pasteurization Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 Thanks Zahara and Privategal- I think the reason to wait is because I already aplogized and let her know that I'd made a mistake and wanted to be with her, and she was pretty clear about being not interested. She didn't express anger or longing or anything, just kept it flat and wrote "good luck and goodbye". Me writing or sending something right now would just be desperate and irritating and even more disrespectful, and if there's any hope, a lot of time has to pass so that my note isn't simply a response to rejection, but a re-start after a clear disconnection--- gently trying to talk again because we had so much in common. At least I hope (and feel) this is the right way to approach it. P
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