Comment on GF's eating habits gone wrong

[lana-banana]

This isn't about eggshells, it's about respect and politeness. Weight is already a very emotional issue for many people and now you've doubled the emotional stakes by hanging a potential breakup over it. I think you can sit down and have a respectful conversation about this but you should try to be patient and listen as well.

 

Both of my sisters had eating disorders (one is in remission). It doesn't help to sit down and say "I saw you eat an M&M for breakfast with a hot cup of lemon water, and then you methodically licked all the cinnamon sugar off of a scone over the course of two hours, and then you cried in the living room for an hour and walked on the treadmill until dinner". For me the biggest turn-off in your entire post was that damn list, because it made you sound obsessive and preachy.

 

And yes, I would have an issue if it were about drinking or smoking, because it's still a completely inappropriate medium for text messaging and involves trying to modify someone else's potentially addictive behavior. When you address addictions you don't blame the person. You try to find the cause.

 

I'm not saying she doesn't have a problem. I think it's pretty clear she does, in one way or another. But you can try to explain your own feelings in a respectful way that isn't blaming. The most you can do is express your concern and indicate that you're worried about your ability to feel attracted to her in the future. But you need to be incredibly careful. This isn't like saying you preferred her old haircut or find her current wardrobe gross. One of the biggest components of binge-eating is shame. If she feels ashamed of her behavior that may lead to secret eating, which could exacerbate the problem. So, yeah, you need to "navigate delicately".

Edited May 23, 2016 by lana-banana

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Horseshoe, I've also struggled with my weight my entire life so this is a super touchy subject for me too. Her anger is based on hurt. She trusts you as her most intimate partner. She wants to feel comfortable with you, with no judgement and feel that you are still very attracted to her.

 

With that being said, you have every right to feel the way you do. And I also think what you said didn't warrant a "F you." However, you seem mature, understanding and supportive enough to have accepted her apology for the outburst and move on. I think you just need to reassure her that you love her and still find her beautiful. Instead of just telling her that her eating is excessive, try and use a gentler round about approach.

 

Tell her that your concerned not about her appearance but the her behavior as it may lead to future health issues. Gently ask her what may be making her binge..stress? Finally, offer your support. Ask her what you can do to be a supportive partner and help her with a healthy lifestyle and DO IT TOGETHER.

 

Of course, you don't have to do anything you don't want. If you love her and care for her, you will have patience and you will embark on a healthy lifestyle together. Getting her on board is a whole other beast. She may or may not be receptive to you regardless of how kind, gentle and supportive you are.

 

In the end, your gf will have to WANT to change. Not for you or the relationship..but genuinley for herself.

 

Good luck!

[AMJ]

Also, she's kind of at that age where people are starting to learn they can't get away with eating whatever they want anymore. I think most women I know started to see changes in metabolism around that age.

[basil67]

If a partner was able to list everything I'd eaten over a two day period, it wouldn't end well.

 

My hubby and I may say "well, that was a big weekend - let's behave this week". But to detail exactly my diet? Not cool.

[xxoo]

If a partner was able to list everything I'd eaten over a two day period, it wouldn't end well.

 

Agreed. Big time.

 

OP, I'm not making any judgment about the health of her diet--good or bad. But here you are with a woman you are currently attracted to, and you are so anxious about her gaining weight that you are observing and cataloging what she eats. This is not healthy. You need to obsess over something other than her diet and her weight. What exactly are you afraid of? Is it likely to happen? If it does happen, do you have any control over that whatsoever? Consider each of those questions carefully.

[horseshoehandgrenade]

I really appreciate all the feedback, good and bad, here. I know I'm not totally innocent in this situation.

 

Just so everyone knows I didn't list the foods to her, I just put them in my original post in hopes of getting a sense of whether it was as excessive as what I perceived.

 

If a partner was able to list everything I'd eaten over a two day period, it wouldn't end well.

 

My hubby and I may say "well, that was a big weekend - let's behave this week". But to detail exactly my diet? Not cool.

[horseshoehandgrenade]

I guess not? I suppose I wouldn't think twice about it if I wasn't worried she could soon tread into a weight range where I could potentially lose my attraction to her. I've also felt that we've been making progress as far as making better decisions/showing more restraint in terms of eating and drinking, and this was just kind of throwing that out the window.

 

I want very badly for this not to matter to me. She is without a doubt the most caring and beautiful heart I've ever been with and I want to hold on to that. I am aware that this involves my ego to some degree and that I may be projecting some deeper issues and a fear of taking the next step by moving in.

 

This has all gotten me to think about my motivations and the entire issue on a deeper level, so thank you to all of you, even if you were critical.

 

I've been thin my whole life.

 

I could easily eat all that in a day. It sounds normal to me, except for the late night reuben. Breakfast/lunch/dinner/ ice cream = my normal diet.

 

The alcohol would bother me. She woke up wanting beer? That would really bother me....

 

But the food wouldn't. I'm curious if that food intake would bother you if she were thin. In other words: is it really about the food?

[katiegrl]

This isn't about eggshells, it's about respect and politeness. Weight is already a very emotional issue for many people and now you've doubled the emotional stakes by hanging a potential breakup over it.

 

I think you can sit down and have a respectful conversation about this but you should try to be patient and listen as well.

 

 

IMO that is precisely what he was attempting to do.

 

And she responded by telling him F*** off.

 

Even after he apologized for upsetting her, she still didn't wish to talk.... simply responded by saying "I have nothing more to say to you."

 

I know weight and eating habits are sensitive topics, but what's he supposed to do, say nothing and let it fester inside him?

 

Maybe it's me, but I fail to see what was so insensitive and tacky about the way he addressed it.

 

To me he showed a lot of sensitivity and empathy. He attempted to address it in a very gentle way IMO.

 

Not at all attacking her or accusing her, the way some men would have done. NOT intentionally but let's face it, some men can be rather crass when addressing sensitive topics.

 

I am literally scratching my head at some of these responses.

 

He has the right to be bothered by something and to address it without being told to F off.

 

And although he said in a later post she apologized, after reading a later post again, I am not seeing where she did.

 

He said he apologized and she responded by saying "I have nothing more to say to you," and that was the last time they communicated.

 

Where is her responsibility for this breakdown of communication?

 

And another poster suggested he buy her flowers?

 

He addressed a sensitive topic as gently as he could, but still make his point. After which, she tells him to F off, HE apologizes, after which she tells him she has nothing more to say. And he is supposed to buy her flowers?

 

Give me a break.

Edited May 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[whatcanitellyou]

I think your problem is that this needs to be addressed as a broader issue. You commenting that her weekend eating is excessive may have come across as a bit nasty and controlling, like she needs her choices to be approved by you.

 

You absolutely cannot be policing her, that would upset me too.

 

But her health and weight gain in the broader sense is absolutely a fair topic of discussion, and it's one you should have had after the weekend when you're calm.

 

Remember that you've now given her the right to police you too and you admit that your habits aren't great either.

 

So apologize for policing her but have a broader discussion about her health and weight gain, and include yours. It's a poor dynamic for both of you.

 

If she can't have a health discussion with you then maybe it's best to part ways.

Edited May 23, 2016 by whatcanitellyou

[AMJ]

Maybe it's me, but I fail to see what was so insensitive and tacky about the way he addressed it.

 

To me he showed a lot of sensitivity and empathy. He attempted to address it in a very gentle way IMO.

 

Not at all attacking her or accusing her, the way some men would have done. NOT intentionally but let's face it, some men can be rather crass when addressing sensitive topics.

 

I am literally scratching my head at some of these responses.

 

He has the right to be bothered by something and to address it without being told to F off.

 

And although he said in a later post she apologized, after reading a later post again, I am not seeing where she did.

 

He said he apologized and she responded by saying "I have nothing more to say to you," and that was the last time they communicated.

 

Where is her responsibility for this breakdown of communication?

 

And another poster suggested he buy her flowers?

 

He addressed a sensitive topic as gently as he could, but still make his point. After which, she tells him to F off, HE apologizes, after which she tells him she has nothing more to say. And he is supposed to buy her flowers?

 

Give me a break.

 

Well, we don't know what he said to her to make her storm off in the moment, he only wrote his text apology here. Whatever it was, it was something along the lines of telling her she eats too much and isn't concerned about her weight gain? Am I wrong OP?

Katie would you not be offended if your boyfriend told you that you eat too much and are unattractive now? If so, you're a more secure person than any woman I know.

[FalseHeart]

Hi Horse,

 

 

I skimmed some of these posts, so apologies if this is redundant.

 

I think the defensiveness was partially surprise as you never commented on her weight before, and the lashing out was fueled by depression or frustration from possibly other factors in her life. She may also be going through a physical transition that comes with aging that she's unaware of.

 

I'm 30 now, my metabolism started slowing down just after 25. I used to eat 2500 cals a day mostly meat and carbs, and maintain a weight around 135 with no exercise. After 25 I gained a few more lbs every few months. It was a slow creep. Started drinking socially frequently and ballooned up another 20 lbs. I honestly didn't realize I was overweight until I saw the love handles and leg/glute cellulite in the mirror. I've been extremely self conscious ever since, and trying to lose weight is truly a battle.

 

I think being confronted so abruptly with something that's probably been worrying her a while is what made her lash out like that. How you phrased your concern doesn't seem offensive at all, even in text.

 

All the same, health and fitness is self-motivated. If she doesn't feel she needs to monitor what she eats or do exercise, nothing you say will change that. You will frustrate yourself and hurt her emotionally if you bring it up again unsolicited. I understand your concern, it's valid, but this just isn't something you have (or should have) any control to change.

 

If she alludes to dieting or exercising on her own in the future, run with it. Get really excited, offer to do things with her or prepare meals with her. If she makes the decision on her own to change her lifestyle your support will go very far in making it a positive process. Anything you expect her to do you should expect or try to do yourself on that fitness journey, in the beginning it really needs to feel like you guys are in it together.

 

Good luck!

Edited May 24, 2016 by FalseHeart

[Gloria25]

She's lazy, demanding, and manipulative.

 

I mean, wanting to move in with you upon her lease ending? Okay, do that, let her move in.. then next comes the demands demands for marriage and kids.

 

You put up with a lot of stuff from her and she knows it, hencd her colorful response to you raising the issue of her weight.

 

Keep on letting her rule you and you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.

 

She doesn't care about her weight. She's lazy. I'm in a poopy job, been dealing with insurmountable stress for a few years now and my body's doing just lovely...actually exercise has helped me to cope.

 

Unfortunately, we live in an ultra feminized society where everything is the man's fault, and where no one takes responsibility for themselves. Everything is an "addiction" or "illness"...gee, this obesity illness never came about in concentration camps and in Africa, so maybe those people have good thyroids or magical genes or something . Or maybe, just maybe reducing/changing your intake of food and active lifestyles can keep you in shape.

 

And, like I always say, her 'lazy' about her weight is gonna manifest itself in other ways. After you marry her and pop out some rugrats, next is her not doing her nails/hair, makeup and the house is gonna be a pig sty.

[katiegrl]

Well, we don't know what he said to her to make her storm off in the moment, he only wrote his text apology here. Whatever it was, it was something along the lines of telling her she eats too much and isn't concerned about her weight gain? Am I wrong OP?

 

Katie would you not be offended if your boyfriend told you that you eat too much and are unattractive now? If so, you're a more secure person than any woman I know.

 

Sure I would if he addressed it the way you posted above.

 

But the OP didn't address it that way. He didn't tell her she eats too much and is unattractive.

 

Read what he actually said again.

No if my bf addressed it the way HE did, I would not be offended. I would probably agree and make an effort to become more healthy.

 

And probably thank him for addressing it with me instead of letting it fester inside.

 

I know all about letting things fester inside and doing so is toxic to any RL.

 

Sure some things said by our SOs are harsh truths we may not wish to face. Not just by the man but by the woman too.

 

But IMO it's better to have them addressed and discussed rather than say nothing and let it eat you up inside (no pun intended).

 

Until it gets to the point where it becomes such a turn off, that the person who chose to say nothing and let it fester.... ends the entire RL.

Edited May 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[anna121]

Sure I would if he addressed it the way you posted above.

 

But the OP didn't address it that way. He didn't tell her she eats too much and is unattractive.

 

Read what he actually said again.

No if my bf addressed it the way HE did, I would not be offended. I would probably agree and make an effort to become more healthy.

 

And probably thank him for addressing it with me instead of letting it fester inside.

 

I know all about letting things fester inside and doing so is toxic to any RL.

 

Sure some things said by our SOs are harsh truths we may not wish to face.

 

But IMO it's better to have them addressed and discussed rather than say nothing and let it eat you up inside (no pun intended).

 

Until it gets to the point where it becomes such a turn off, that the person who chose to say nothing and let it fester.... ends the entire RL.

 

No, he was in a bad mood after watching her on the weekend, "grumpy" in his own words, and only AFTER she asked him about it did he tell her it was because he found her eating "excessive".

 

That is the context you are missing in your constant mentions of her telling him to "f off".

 

IOW, he DID let it fester, it was turning him off more and more, it affected their interactions and he finally let it out VIA TEXT as opposed to when it was actually happening.

 

Again, her response wasn't great but telling him he did "nothing wrong" will do zero for him except end his relationship.

 

(BTW I agree with another poster that except for the late night stuff, I don't find what she ate all THAT bad. And I have neither an eating nor a weight problem.)

 

OP - the fact that *most* of the responses here do not absolve you of ALL blame should tell you something.

[katiegrl]

No, he was in a bad mood after watching her on the weekend, "grumpy" in his own words, and only AFTER she asked him about it did he tell her it was because he found her eating "excessive".

 

That is the context you are missing in your constant mentions of her telling him to "f off".

 

IOW, he DID let it fester, it was turning him off more and more, it affected their interactions and he finally let it out VIA TEXT as opposed to when it was actually happening.

 

Again, her response wasn't great but telling him he did "nothing wrong" will do zero for him except end his relationship.

 

(BTW I agree with another poster that except for the late night stuff, I don't find what she ate all THAT bad. And I have neither an eating nor a weight problem.)

 

OP - the fact that *most* of the responses here do not absolve you of ALL blame should tell you something.

 

Okay I see now. You're right AMJ we don't know what he originally said to her to address it.

 

My bad. I was just looking at his apology (saying he was grumpy, etc.) thinking that is what he originally said.

 

Again my bad.

 

Perhaps if the OP is inclined, he can post what he originally said to her that got her so upset.

 

Not just the apology.

 

Because if he did say or even imply she was fat, ate too much and was unattractive, I could definitely understand her reaction.

 

I would be upset by that too.

Edited May 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[horseshoehandgrenade]

I'm well aware and I don't think I've claimed in any of my posts that I was 100% in the right. I came here essentially asking for advice on how to fix my missteps.

 

I think my initial feelings were ok but the way I handled them was not.

 

No, he was in a bad mood after watching her on the weekend, "grumpy" in his own words, and only AFTER she asked him about it did he tell her it was because he found her eating "excessive".

 

That is the context you are missing in your constant mentions of her telling him to "f off".

 

IOW, he DID let it fester, it was turning him off more and more, it affected their interactions and he finally let it out VIA TEXT as opposed to when it was actually happening.

 

Again, her response wasn't great but telling him he did "nothing wrong" will do zero for him except end his relationship.

 

(BTW I agree with another poster that except for the late night stuff, I don't find what she ate all THAT bad. And I have neither an eating nor a weight problem.)

 

OP - the fact that *most* of the responses here do not absolve you of ALL blame should tell you something.

[preraph]

She's always going to know from now on that you aren't that crazy about the way she looks and won't like it when her body changes or she has kids and her body changes. This was a critical error if you plan on staying with her. Otherwise, not it's not, but leave.

[amaysngrace]

Send her a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a "I'm sorry" card.

[losangelena]

OP, am wondering if you could please address one of my questions in my first post (#14)

 

Is your communication normally OK? Are you able to talk through tough issues, or feel like you generally get "deep" with one another? Do you have the capacity to work out these sort of deeper understanding issues?

 

I too feel like this might not be the only issue going on. Like I said, it's as if you're sort of putting the cart before the horse in terms of worrying about weight gain. Like you see this one weekend as a canary in the coal mine, as if she will just gain and gain and gain.

 

But you said it yourself, if she was thin and eating this way, you wouldn't be concerned. I feel like if her potential weight gain was the ONLY issue in your relationship, then it wouldn't be an issue. There are men who don't mind their GF or wife putting on a few pounds, or if it does bother them, they're not sitting there enumerating the foods going into her mouth.

 

Barring her eating habits, are you truly excited to have a future with her? Are you maybe feeling a bit of cold feet? Are you enthusiastic about her moving in with you? Or are you feeling unsure about your future? Not to psychoanalyze you or anything, but I wonder if the enormity of THE FUTURE is sort of skewing your brain to worst case scenario thinking.

 

Anyway, send her some flowers. Might help smooth the waters a bit.

[katiegrl]

One thing my ex did after he screwed up once..... was buy one of those apology cards (Hallmark) and left it with a box of candy, wrapped nicely, by my door.

 

It melted my heart I swear I will never forget it.

 

Buying her the candy also indicates that she can eat whatever she wants and you will still love her.

 

Win win!

[basil67]

I really appreciate all the feedback, good and bad, here. I know I'm not totally innocent in this situation.

 

Just so everyone knows I didn't list the foods to her, I just put them in my original post in hopes of getting a sense of whether it was as excessive as what I perceived.

 

I figured you didn't actually say it to her - but the fact that you were observing and remembering what she ate in detail is alarming.

 

And no, I don't think it's excessive eating if it's within an otherwise balanced diet.

[basil67]

we've been making progress as far as making better decisions/showing more restraint in terms of eating and drinking' date='[/b'] and this was just kind of throwing that out the window.

 

Has she asked for your help in the past without you having prompted the discussion? The whole *we* have been making progress just sits wrong...but perhaps context will help.

 

If it wasn't for what you'd like her to be, would she otherwise be happy and content with who she is and what she consumes?

[Buddhist]

There's nothing major I can see that would trigger an emotional reaction.

 

There doesn't have to be anything major. Her actions triggered you good and proper. I'm certain you have all sorts of mental justifications for why you feel the way you do. I'm not invalidating that. But I am saying that your trigger was basically emotional first, justified by your mind second. For whatever reason you had a major emotional reaction (albeit an internal one) while watching her eat chicken wings. Not to make light of the situation, but when you think of it this way it is pretty funny.

 

She likewise had a major emotional reaction (not entirely internal) to you commenting on her eating habits. You've both just found each others hotspot and isn't it ironic that you are both paired to have this particular hotspot around the subject of food?

 

Now you can either take this the serious way and try and come up with all sorts of beating about the bush manipulations to try and control her food intake. And she will likewise try all sorts of passive-aggressive sabotaging behaviours just to prove you can't control what she eats. That's pretty much the way it goes when one party tries to tell the other what to do, on any subject.

 

Or you can realise this reaction you're having is your reaction and deal with it without involving her. Now if she does get to the point where you're no longer feeling it, well that's her responsibility and outcome. But the key here is, you don't get any say whatsoever in what she eats or does. I know we like to think we do when we're in relationship with other people, but life soon teaches us we don't.

 

When we push the issue we either get partners doing stuff behind our backs or we end up alone. You've got no choice here except to trust that her desire to maintain a healthy body outweighs your fears of her getting fat. And see how it goes.

[AMJ]

 

When we push the issue we either get partners doing stuff behind our backs or we end up alone. You've got no choice here except to trust that her desire to maintain a healthy body outweighs your fears of her getting fat. And see how it goes.

 

But that's already not the case- he said that she's gained weight and it's already turning him off.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Your concern about the weight gain may be justified, depending on how much she's actually gained. However, I think your approach was very counter-productive. What I would have heard if thoae comments were directed at me, is that you you are disgusted by her eating habits. This would make me self conscious not only about eating in front of you, but also about my body. It may prompt me to evaluate my diet/ exercise plan, but I would have a hard time being comfortable around you after that. We all have bad days and honestly that list did not seem that bad for a weekend/ cheat day. The fact that you appear to have unspoken expectations for her diet and are "disgusted" watching her eat is alarming.

 

I dont think youre ready to move in - something about this relationship, or maybe your current emotional state due to your own commitment issues, is not right.

 

I think you should also bring up the weight gain again in a more constructive manner. I think its fine to be direct but make it about how much you care about her and your relationship, not about how you feel her chicken wing intake is excessive.