horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 So looking for some advice here.... I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and 4 months and it's been great. Without a doubt the healthiest and most emotionally stable relationship of my life. I'm 31, she's 26....she's giving, understanding, we share the same sex drive, etc...All around good. Yesterday we had our first major fight and I'm a bit concerned. Basically she wants to move in together when her lease is up in September. I told her yes as I feel like this is basically a "**** or get off the pot" point in our relationship. Since then, however, I find myself more and more concerned about her weight and eating habits. She is a little bit of a bigger girl which I absolutely don't mind - when we got together she was probably about 5-6, 155 which is perfect. Of course I understand some relationship weight goes on when you get comfortable, but she has put on quite a few pounds (I wouldn't dare ask how many exactly). I know she realizes it and has been making efforts to exercise more and have a healthy diet during the week - I take part in this too. However, she still has certain days where she seems to eat almost non-stop all day. This Saturday she had a bagel and cream cheese, followed by chicken wings, then a few pierogies and chips - a healthy salmon dinner that I cooked, but then a few sugary hard ciders and a late-night reuben and ice cream bar. I wrote it off, but the next day she woke up feeling down and insisted on going for bloody marys and beers, which was followed by more wings. I was already kind of bothered/turned off by all of this, and when she took a nap and then woke up immediately complaining of hunger, I kind of lost it internally. I get having a "cheat day" but this seemed just all around ridiculous to me. We parted ways for the night but she sensed something was wrong and kept bothering me about it until I gave in and told her I thought it was excessive. She got very defensive and has cut off all contact with me (only about a day but that's still very unusual). I really do love this girl and desperately do not want to lose her, but I am worried that if she continues like she is there will be a day when I cannot just sit by. I am still attracted to her but I'm already once-divorced and am fearful of waking up one day to find I no longer feel that way. I feel like this is a no-win situation for me and I'm worried I may have caused some permanent damage. This literally our first major fight after 16 months. Is there any advice (ideally from the women out there) on how I can approach repairing this?
seekingpeaceinlove Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 What exactly did you say to her? Truth can be harsh but it's all about the approach. Verbatim, what did you say to her? 2
Author horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 I told her "I"m sorry I was grumpy this weekend. We never fight and I don't want to be insensitive or hurt you, but I felt like you constantly were eating or wanting to eat in a way I thought was excessive. For whatever reason it bothered me. I don't want you to feel attacked but I also don't want to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just want to be healthy together, I know I'm not always the best at it either. I know you make efforts to handle your diet/weight which isn't lost on me. It's just hard to know what to say in that situation. I've been thinking more about our future." - This is from our text messages. She basically just told me to F off and that I was being ridiculous, and I shouldn't be going off on her just bc she had a bad weekend. I apologized and said I wish it wouldn't have gotten to me so much. Reassured her that I love her, etc...but she said she had nothing more to say to me. That's pretty much where we left it - I tried to stay away from weight or appearance comments but I don't feel like it was very successful.
preraph Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 A conversation about someone else's eating habits can rarely ever go right and will never be appreciated and only resented. So stop it. If you think she's about to be too fat and that that is a dealbreaker for you, then don't let her move in. 1
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I told her "I"m sorry I was grumpy this weekend. We never fight and I don't want to be insensitive or hurt you, but I felt like you constantly were eating or wanting to eat in a way I thought was excessive. For whatever reason it bothered me. I don't want you to feel attacked but I also don't want to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just want to be healthy together, I know I'm not always the best at it either. I know you make efforts to handle your diet/weight which isn't lost on me. It's just hard to know what to say in that situation. I've been thinking more about our future." - This is from our text messages. She basically just told me to F off and that I was being ridiculous, and I shouldn't be going off on her just bc she had a bad weekend. I apologized and said I wish it wouldn't have gotten to me so much. Reassured her that I love her, etc...but she said she had nothing more to say to me. That's pretty much where we left it - I tried to stay away from weight or appearance comments but I don't feel like it was very successful. Good god, if you can't even bring up a concern (in a kind and respectful way no less) without her telling you to F off, what's the point of even being in a RL with her? And why did you apologize, YOU did not nothing wrong. If my bf ever told me to F off when I brought up an issue of concern, I'd be out the door so freakin fast. And I would wait for HIM to contact me to apologize. You just sent your gf a covert message saying that you will ALLOW her to abuse you verbally, you will still apologize and never bring up an issue of concern again. Fastest way to lose respect from a woman, if you haven't lost it already. 1
ChickiePops Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Is she depressed? Have you thought about a possible emotional reason for her recent indulgences?
Author horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 I apologized for hurting her, not for bringing it up at all. You can still express regret for saying something that clearly upset her while still standing by what you said. Was just trying to express some empathy to get her to understand I'm not coming from a malicious place. She's not typically one to swear at me or anything like that - she actually apologized for that right off. She was just obviously put on the defensive which I think is understandable. I'm just wondering how to handle from here. Good god, if you can't even bring up a concern (in a kind and respectful way no less) without her telling you to F off, what's the point of even being in a RL with her? And why did you apologize, YOU did not nothing wrong. If my bf ever told me to F off when I brought up an issue of concern, I'd be out the door so freakin fast. And I would wait for HIM to contact me to apologize. You just sent your gf a covert message saying that you will ALLOW her to abuse you verbally, you will still apologize and never bring up an issue of concern again. Fastest way to lose respect from a woman, if you haven't lost it already.
losangelena Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Erm ... delicate convos like weight discussions should probably be a face-to-face affair. 2
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I apologized for hurting her, not for bringing it up at all. You can still express regret for saying something that clearly upset her while still standing by what you said. Was just trying to express some empathy to get her to understand I'm not coming from a malicious place. She's not typically one to swear at me or anything like that - she actually apologized for that right off. She was just obviously put on the defensive which I think is understandable. I'm just wondering how to handle from here. NOT after she disrespected you by telling you to F off. In what world is it okay to speak to your SO that way? If she expressed hurt or whatever, okay apologize for hurting her. But for the love of god you don't apologize after your SO just told you to F*** off. You leave! And wait for her to apologize. For the record, I don't think you did anything wrong by bringing this up. It was a legit concern for you as well it should be. If she took offense, there is still a way to convey that without telling you to F*** off. Come on. 1
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I apologized for hurting her, not for bringing it up at all. You can still express regret for saying something that clearly upset her while still standing by what you said. Was just trying to express some empathy to get her to understand I'm not coming from a malicious place. She's not typically one to swear at me or anything like that - she actually apologized for that right off. She was just obviously put on the defensive which I think is understandable. I'm just wondering how to handle from here. Okay if she apologized great. You didn't say that in your original post. How you handle it from here? You find out what is triggering her sudden bad eating habits and talk to her about it in a calm and rational way. Find out if she is depressed, unhappy or something else. Best of luck.
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 She basically just told me to F off and that I was being ridiculous, and I shouldn't be going off on her just bc she had a bad weekend. I apologized and said I wish it wouldn't have gotten to me so much. Reassured her that I love her, etc...but she said she had nothing more to say to me. That's pretty much where we left it - I tried to stay away from weight or appearance comments but I don't feel like it was very successful. So when did she apologize?
Author horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 This really isn't the insight I'm looking for. Appreciate where you're coming from but in my world people sometimes have a regrettable immediate reaction when they're hurt or caught off guard. She apologized not 2 minutes later, and there's no lack of respect in our relationship as a whole. I find people who are obsessed with the concept of "disrespect" to be especially rash and conflict-prone, which neither of us are. People are human and say the wrong thing sometimes - as long as they can realize it and keep it from becoming a pattern I think it's quite forgivable. I'm truly not holding on to that comment at all so I'd ask that you don't either. NOT after she disrespected you by telling you to F off. In what world is it okay to speak to your SO that way? If she expressed hurt or whatever, okay apologize for hurting her. But for the love of god you don't apologize after your SO just told you to F*** off. You leave! And wait for her to apologize. For the record, I don't think you did anything wrong by bringing this up. It was a legit concern for you as well it should be. If she took offense, there is still a way to convey that without telling you to F*** off. Come on. 7
Author horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 As far as being depressed or anything, there's not much out of the ordinary. She isn't thrilled with her job and just recently had a prospect fall through, but that was a few weeks ago. There's nothing major I can see that would trigger an emotional reaction. I think it's something she's struggled with for a long time, and it just happens that I'm taking a more long-term view of things and started to see it in a different light.
losangelena Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I told her "I"m sorry I was grumpy this weekend. We never fight and I don't want to be insensitive or hurt you, but I felt like you constantly were eating or wanting to eat in a way I thought was excessive. For whatever reason it bothered me. I don't want you to feel attacked but I also don't want to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just want to be healthy together, I know I'm not always the best at it either. I know you make efforts to handle your diet/weight which isn't lost on me. It's just hard to know what to say in that situation. I've been thinking more about our future." - This is from our text messages. OP, I can understand her defensiveness. Even if you didn't mean to, you are insinuating a connection between her weight and your future—as in, "I've been thinking about the future, but you can forget it if you can't keep your eating in check." Look, I think it's a legitimate concern for you. But I think you're being a bit preemptive in your worry. You notice some weight gain, you become hyperaware of what goes in her mouth, then you start to see things you don't like, and it seems like you immediately jump to the conclusion of, "she's going to grow to the size of a manatee," and you get grumpy and resentful. What she sees as a "bad weekend," you see as the canary in the coal mine. There could very well be something going on with your GF emotionally. Is there something stressful at work? With her family? Besides this snafu, do you generally communicate well? If you're at a "crap or get off the pot" place in your relationship, and you're suddenly bringing up her eating habits, she could very easily interpret that as you having second thoughts. Or maybe she already is afraid you're having second thoughts, and is stress-eating because of it. Who knows, there are a host of things that it could be. Also, yeah she told you to eff-off, which she already apologized for, but let's not make this all about her reaction. She apologized for it and this is obviously a touchy subject. I don't think you need to apologize any further—but I do think you'll probably have to be the one to open a real and honest dialogue about this. Start with reeling her back in. Send some flowers to the office. Phone her up so she can hear your voice. 5
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) This really isn't the insight I'm looking for. Appreciate where you're coming from but in my world people sometimes have a regrettable immediate reaction when they're hurt or caught off guard. She apologized not 2 minutes later, and there's no lack of respect in our relationship as a whole. I find people who are obsessed with the concept of "disrespect" to be especially rash and conflict-prone, which neither of us are. People are human and say the wrong thing sometimes - as long as they can realize it and keep it from becoming a pattern I think it's quite forgivable. I'm truly not holding on to that comment at all so I'd ask that you don't either. I agree people say the wrong thing sometimes but they don't verbally abuse, which in MY world telling your boyfriend to F*** off when all you did was bring up a legit concern for discussion. Sorry! That said, I gave you advice as to where you go from here given that you choose to disregard her F off comment, even after you apologized and her responding to that by telling you she "had nothing more to say to you." Still don't get when she apologized but nevermind.... clearly you don't want to address this.... which is quite sad IMO but whatever. Best of luck! Edited May 23, 2016 by katiegrl
anna121 Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 FWIW I think it was tacky to bring that up via text. She didn't respond well, but if my boyfriend told me how bothered he was by how much I was eating I would be pretty mad. She's undoubtedly self-conscious about the weight gain. This is tricky territory in a relationship. You have the right to expect a partner to maintain a healthy lifestyle but you can only control yourself. Was this the first time you talked about her weight? If so, not the best entry and you may have poisoned the well. You need to try again in a way that doesn't make her feel attacked or judged. If the rest of the relationship is good, then it may be worth a shot. But definitely, absolutely get this ironed out before moving in. 1
Author horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 I can accept that as far as doing it by text - not my finest moment. She was really pushing for an answer and I broke. In my experience text is always a minefield and you'll never resolve anything that way. It's the first time I've ever brought up weight or eating habits with her. She has expressed insecurities about her weight but I've always been supportive saying I love her body and it's totally my type even if it's not what you see on modeling billboards, etc... This is truly my only concern about the relationship which really sucks. I feel totally shallow about it but I know it's at least somewhat legitimate. In general I'm honest to a fault and I need to be sure I can navigate this delicately. FWIW I think it was tacky to bring that up via text. She didn't respond well, but if my boyfriend told me how bothered he was by how much I was eating I would be pretty mad. She's undoubtedly self-conscious about the weight gain. This is tricky territory in a relationship. You have the right to expect a partner to maintain a healthy lifestyle but you can only control yourself. Was this the first time you talked about her weight? If so, not the best entry and you may have poisoned the well. You need to try again in a way that doesn't make her feel attacked or judged. If the rest of the relationship is good, then it may be worth a shot. But definitely, absolutely get this ironed out before moving in.
AMJ Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 While I think you have a right to share your opinions with her about weight and health, the way you brought it up could use some work. For example, my friend's husband told her he wanted to try a paleo diet for both of them. I know that he really just wants her to lose weight, because he looks fine, but by going on the diet "together" he never directed any type of insult at her. I may be alone on this one, but I don't really think what she ate on Saturday was that bad...except for the late night sandwich and ice cream. Drinking alcohol of course is not the best idea when you're trying to lose weight. I guess what I'm getting at is it's not like she's slamming down large pizzas and gallons of ice cream on a regular basis. How people carry weight varies, 155 on 5'6'' could be a little chubby on one person or stick thin on another. I'm 5'7'' and if I weighed 155 people would be concerned that I was anorexic. Anyway, I'd be pretty hurt if my boyfriend said those comments to me. In general I think women are much more sensitive about weight and appearance than men are, it's just programmed into us to try to look perfect or else we lose our value. The best advice I can think of for this situation, since you already apologized, is to tell her how much you love her, show her you still are very attracted to her, and not bring up dieting again. At all. I mean, you can drag her along on exercise activities like hikes and bike rides instead of drinking, and continue to make healthy meals and eat at healthy restaurants...but I'd just make it about yourself. Tell her that YOU want to be healthier and therefore she's just along for the ride. 1
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I told her "I"m sorry I was grumpy this weekend. We never fight and I don't want to be insensitive or hurt you, but I felt like you constantly were eating or wanting to eat in a way I thought was excessive. For whatever reason it bothered me. I don't want you to feel attacked but I also don't want to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just want to be healthy together, I know I'm not always the best at it either. I know you make efforts to handle your diet/weight which isn't lost on me. It's just hard to know what to say in that situation. I've been thinking more about our future." - This is from our text messages. JMO but this^^ is just about the kindest and most respectful way a man could ever address this..... and still get his point across. I am not getting how he could have been any more respectful, empathetic and kind. OP, apologies for my previous posts. I am actually on YOUR side here. It just pisses me off to see men spoken to that way by their girlfriends. When all you did was bring up a legit concern in what I deem a very respectful and empathetic way. That's all. I hope it all works out.
spiderowl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I'm not surprised she's cut off, she's probably very hurt. You have no right to tell her how much to eat. It's not as though she sought your support in cutting down on food. It looks like you would get obsessive about this so you two might be better off separating. You seem to think that you won't be able to just leave it after this one incident, so the problem is just going to arise again. You can't accept her how she is. You might as well split up so you can seek a slim woman who might just stay that way. It seems you could tolerate her eating habits when you didn't think it would be a long-term arrangement but not that commitment is all too close, it has become less acceptable to you. I don't know whether other people's weight has always been an issue for you or if this is something that you've become focused on because of a fear of commitment. How would you have felt about it if you both stayed living separately? 3
lana-banana Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) I'm trying to think of how your comment could have sounded less sensitive, and to be honest I'm coming up short. Your comment didn't seem to come out of a place of love or genuine concern. You basically rattled off everything she ate that disgusted you and then implied the future of your relationship depends on whether she swears off sweets---and all via text. I probably would have sworn at you too. When you care for someone you have an obligation to consider their feelings. You need to approach these conversations from a place of concern. "I noticed you've been pretty irritable lately, eating more than usual and sleeping erratically. I'm worried about you. What can I do to help?" I don't know if she's experiencing acute stress or depression or she's just gaining weight. If this has been part of a gradual process of weight gain then it does point towards a longer-term change. Right now the conversation needs to be about the underlying cause of her behavior and not the future of your relationship, although I don't know if you can take that off the table now that you've made the link. But you need to be loving, thoughtful and supportive, not hostile. Edited May 23, 2016 by lana-banana 4
Author horseshoehandgrenade Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 I totally disagree. I'm not telling her anything except how I feel, which is concerned. I highly doubt you'd have the same reaction if it was about excessive drinking or smoking. In a relationship I believe you should be able to levy criticisms (albeit in a caring manner) if they affect both parties. All this "accept me who I am" at all cost is actually very unhealthy, IMO, and I've dealt with it from entitled SO's before who feel they should be above all reproach. I don't need a "slim" woman at all costs or I wouldn't be with her in the first place. I do think it stems more from a fear of commitment on my side and I may be fixating on the potential weight issues as a possible escape hatch. I'm not surprised she's cut off, she's probably very hurt. You have no right to tell her how much to eat. It's not as though she sought your support in cutting down on food. It looks like you would get obsessive about this so you two might be better off separating. You seem to think that you won't be able to just leave it after this one incident, so the problem is just going to arise again. You can't accept her how she is. You might as well split up so you can seek a slim woman who might just stay that way. It seems you could tolerate her eating habits when you didn't think it would be a long-term arrangement but not that commitment is all too close, it has become less acceptable to you. I don't know whether other people's weight has always been an issue for you or if this is something that you've become focused on because of a fear of commitment. How would you have felt about it if you both stayed living separately? 1
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I totally disagree. I'm not telling her anything except how I feel, which is concerned. I highly doubt you'd have the same reaction if it was about excessive drinking or smoking. In a relationship I believe you should be able to levy criticisms (albeit in a caring manner) if they affect both parties. All this "accept me who I am" at all cost is actually very unhealthy, IMO, and I've dealt with it from entitled SO's before who feel they should be above all reproach. I don't need a "slim" woman at all costs or I wouldn't be with her in the first place. I do think it stems more from a fear of commitment on my side and I may be fixating on the potential weight issues as a possible escape hatch. I am with you OP. The way you addressed this was perfect. Hell, we have had men on this board telling their gfs they have gotten downright fat and it's a turn off. I know if I were your gf, I would appreciate your bringing this up and would make efforts to address it. NOT only for my own health but for the good of the RL too. It's called resolution conflict. I don't agree with the poster who said, if you don't like her body break up with her. What is that? Is that any way to resolve a conflict in a LTR where there is lots of love and mutual respect? Not in my world.
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 (edited) Plus I would so much rather he talk to me about his feelings, rather than suppress them out of fear of offending me or pissing me off or hurting my feelings. All that does is build up resentment inside HIM which is never good in any RL. Address them with me please!! And allow me to do the same with you. That's what it's all about. Not suppressing feelings out of fear and/or walking on eggshells so as to not upset your partner. No thank you. I would never want my bf to feel that way, nor would I want to feel that way either, with him. Edited May 23, 2016 by katiegrl
xxoo Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I know she realizes it and has been making efforts to exercise more and have a healthy diet during the week - I take part in this too. However, she still has certain days where she seems to eat almost non-stop all day. This Saturday she had a bagel and cream cheese, followed by chicken wings, then a few pierogies and chips - a healthy salmon dinner that I cooked, but then a few sugary hard ciders and a late-night reuben and ice cream bar. I wrote it off, but the next day she woke up feeling down and insisted on going for bloody marys and beers, which was followed by more wings. I was already kind of bothered/turned off by all of this, and when she took a nap and then woke up immediately complaining of hunger, I kind of lost it internally. I get having a "cheat day" but this seemed just all around ridiculous to me. We parted ways for the night but she sensed something was wrong and kept bothering me about it until I gave in and told her I thought it was excessive. She got very defensive and has cut off all contact with me (only about a day but that's still very unusual). I've been thin my whole life. I could easily eat all that in a day. It sounds normal to me, except for the late night reuben. Breakfast/lunch/dinner/ ice cream = my normal diet. The alcohol would bother me. She woke up wanting beer? That would really bother me.... But the food wouldn't. I'm curious if that food intake would bother you if she were thin. In other words: is it really about the food? 2
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