Inconsiderate husband, don't know how to handle it

[NTV]

I'm just a little sensitive to criticism right now ?

 

Yes, that he says what he means instead of just saying something to make it go away. I have wondered how much of it he says to get a reaction out of me because it just isn't logical. Like the wanting to have an affair then something like two weeks later he says he doesn't anymore. So now magically I need to get over it. But how do I do that exactly?? He is not offering to talk about the issue. And compounds it by doing something else hurtful, just as we get to the point we are getting along again. And by getting along I - lots of times after something happens there are a few days of silence, one of us can't take it anymore then we blow up, then back to a few of no talking again. Usually something comes Like a family function where we are cordial again and then bam it's over. No talking, he doesn't like to bring up the past he says. I don't think a week or two is the past.

Anyhow, yea, lots to get off my chest!

 

We're here to listen if that's what you need. I know when I just found out that my wife has betrayed me I spent weeks trying to comprehend the magnitude of it all. It was a huge change to life as I knew it.... and she had all the time she was cheating to prepare herself mentally for that change but I did not.

[ChristineArayla]

It's really dangerous to play the divorce game. I say it as someone who has seen the most change from my partner after being so serious about divorcing her but!

Not everyone will deal with it the same way.

It's wrong to suggest to someone over the internet to file for divorce...wait a little.

I'm sure there's more to the story than you are able to type on this forum.

 

 

It seems best to get him to agree to go to a few counseling sessions with you and also the two of you on your own.

 

 

In a way it is easy to blame one another when things get difficult.

 

 

I don't know how bad is his behavior toward your kids. If there is violence or bad words and heavy negativity on his parts toward your kids then you need to have another approach but if it is bad behavior that is not catastrophic then just go see a counselor or two as I said above.

 

 

Don't play the divorce game just yet.

 

 

It's possible that even as adults we can lose common sense and rational that we have gained over many year of being alive.

 

 

I'm not saying don't divorce but don't do that as a first card on the table.

 

I agree I don't want the divorce card yet. Though I have thought it He stayed with some friends about a year ago for a week.

A few things a counselor - I have had a couple of bad experiences with counseling. The first I was seeing one after my first divorce and was more of a counselor to her. She even went so far as to tell me I should go back to school before I divorce because she did, even though I was very clear I had my mind made up. She typically talked about herself most of the time. The second experience was my son was going to counseling and making up some pretty nasty lies. When I asked him how to deal with it He said, not exaggerating, to make his favorite dinner whenever I can, and always talk to him as if the things he said DiD happen and never punish him.

Even with that I have asked my husband to look for one. The reason I wanted him to do it was because I have offered countless solutions (that we talk once a week, things like that) which he calls "reindeer games". I didn't want him to come back later that he didn't want to go and it was another of my "reindeer games". He agreed. And later said he tried but couldn't find one reasonably priced. I don't know. I want to set up something now but still the fear later he will not follow through if he doesn't like what he hears. I know that sound like a childish excuse. And I do need to find something despite my apprehensions.

[ChristineArayla]

We're here to listen if that's what you need. I know when I just found out that my wife has betrayed me I spent weeks trying to comprehend the magnitude of it all. It was a huge change to life as I knew it.... and she had all the time she was cheating to prepare herself mentally for that change but I did not.

 

Thank you so much for that! Just finding that I have a place now where I will be listened to means so much! I'm not crazy? Enough to do a happy dance! LoL

[ChristineArayla]

I hear you...however I think that if you put the right words together and approach someone out of love and genuine concern then a rational adult will come to his/her senses and find a solution that will not hurt another or not cause further problems.

 

I know you mean and I am trying to figure out how to do that. He seems lately to say whatever he needs to to get the reaction he wants at the time. So I am having a hard time trusting that he being honest.

[NTV]

I know you mean and I am trying to figure out how to do that. He seems lately to say whatever he needs to to get the reaction he wants at the time. So I am having a hard time trusting that he being honest.

 

I think if you fully trusted him right now it would be weird....

[ChristineArayla]

I think you should disconnect have you heard of the 180?

 

The 180? As in the movie rule???

[Mr. Lucky]

To Mr Lucky -

Browbeat? That is one way of making an assumption!

Let's just say I may have. (Yet I did not.) If someone did go nuts and demand an apology for their SO leaving their number with a waitress and declaring a desire to have an affair, I can't say I would blame them. I have even seen very good friends of mine reamed by their SO and could only stand back and tell him he deserved every word. I didn't exactly light candles and make him a special dinner.

I'm writing for advice, not to be further beaten down.

 

Your husband has told you in a number of different ways that he's not happy in your marriage. Were they all well-handled and appropriate? No. Some were certainly disrespectful.

 

You can use this info for two purposes - to try and fix the relationship or to end it. There are plenty of people here willing to help you with the latter.

 

Making him the bad guy each step of the way isn't going to benefit either one of you. Unless he's a sociopathic *sshole (in which case, dump him and run), it takes two to dig the hole you're in.

 

Regardless, your thread. Wish you well regardless of how this turns out...

 

Mr. Lucky (and Happy!)

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't think he has cheated before, with me. He has cheated on past relationships many times and sometimes I have wondered if I am indeed insecure because of this. He has accused me of being insecure. Like I said, I have wondered that but most of the time I feel like my trust has failed because it is becoming obvious he refuses to put my feelings first.

So quite apparently, he had no problem being a cheater multiple times in his past. Did he suddenly get a conscience after he met you? Did he suddenly become a choir boy after he met you? Did he do a complete 180 and become a model citizen only after he met you?

 

Once a person becomes comfortable with stepping over boundaries, they become pretty practiced at it. And he's had lots of practice at it. And sadly, there are many MANY betrayed spouses who knew their spouse had cheated in the past and believed they'd changed - when they hadn't.

 

I don't believe for a second that he was 'so engrossed' in conversation that night when he completely dropped of the radar that he couldn't take 5 lousy seconds to send you a text for an hour and a half. And then that completely idiotic self-important response he finally DID give you - "give me the freedom to be me!" just makes him sound like SUCH a douche bag. I don't think it was 'conversation' he was engrossed in at ALL.

 

This guy is just so completely arrogant. He thinks he's SUCH a friggen prize that you should just put up with whatever sleazy behavior he indulges in. You're asking how to move forward with someone who ISN'T willing to be a safe partner for you or become the person you need him to be.

 

Why WOULD you move forward with someone like this?

[BettyDraper]

So quite apparently, he had no problem being a cheater multiple times in his past. Did he suddenly get a conscience after he met you? Did he suddenly become a choir boy after he met you? Did he do a complete 180 and become a model citizen only after he met you?

 

Once a person becomes comfortable with stepping over boundaries, they become pretty practiced at it. And he's had lots of practice at it. And sadly, there are many MANY betrayed spouses who knew their spouse had cheated in the past and believed they'd changed - when they hadn't.

 

I don't believe for a second that he was 'so engrossed' in conversation that night when he completely dropped of the radar that he couldn't take 5 lousy seconds to send you a text for an hour and a half. And then that completely idiotic self-important response he finally DID give you - "give me the freedom to be me!" just makes him sound like SUCH a douche bag. I don't think it was 'conversation' he was engrossed in at ALL.

 

This guy is just so completely arrogant. He thinks he's SUCH a friggen prize that you should just put up with whatever sleazy behavior he indulges in. You're asking how to move forward with someone who ISN'T willing to be a safe partner for you or become the person you need him to be.

 

Why WOULD you move forward with someone like this?

 

This. If I was dating a man and he let me know that he always cheated on his girlfriends, I would run and never give him the time of day again.

 

Sadly, I agree that "engrossed in conversation" nonsense was a lie.

 

This man wants to have his wifey at home while he sleeps around.

[NTV]

how are you holding up today?

[snowbunni]

If my husband ever told me he was looking for an affair I would instantly be single lol

[stilltrying16]

The 180? As in the movie rule???

I think NTV means a 180 in the infidelity context. It's from a book, *Divorce Busters* Here's the list: excerpted from Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Unfaithful Spouse

 

The “No Contact 180” for Unfaithful Spouses

 

 

Don’t initiate phone calls. If they call, tell them you can’t talk with them and politely hang up. Don’t entertain answering any questions or discuss how you feel.

 

Don’t initiate messages of any kind, and don’t respond to any of the affair partner’s attempts to contact you.

 

Don’t pursue “closure” or “resolution”. It is a myth that only brings about less closure and resolution if attempted.

 

Don't follow them around on social sites like Facebook.

 

Don't ask for help from the family members of your affair partner.

 

Don't say, "I Love You!" to them or within yourself, even if you still feel you do. Saying it creates an expectation of dependency instead of independence.

 

Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life.

 

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

Don't sit around waiting on your affair partner. Get busy. Do things. Go out with friends. Enjoy old hobbies. Find new ones. Stay busy.

 

Your affair partner needs to believe that you are moving on with your life without them.

 

Don’t give into acting like a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual, secure in the knowledge that you have value not based on their love and affection.

 

Do not entertain any questions about the relationship either in your mind or with the affair partner. Initiate no such conversation.

 

Be patient and learn to see the negatives in the affair partner. List them out, as it will help clear foggy thinking.

 

Listen and then listen some more to close friends, therapists, and support networks to help you maintain no contact.

 

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut, and walk away when you want to contact them, no matter the provocation.

 

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest consistent action will change your feelings far more than sweeping issues under the rug and hoping for the best.

 

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

 

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent. It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message to your spouse that you are committed to them and to the affair partner that it is really over.

 

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the behaviors of the affair partner or spouse, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Focus on the pain that their acts caused you.

 

This is the kind of behavior that shows you are not afraid to move on with your life.

 

More important, given enough time and consistency of behavior, it will convince yourself that you can move on with your life and convince the affair partner that you’re serious about ending it.

 

In instances where the unfaithful spouse has contact—such as working together, sharing parental responsibilities of a child, accidental encounters, a persistent affair partner trying to make contact, or other similar situations—keep the following 180 behaviors in mind should contact happen:

 

Don't pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

Only discuss required business issues and nothing else.

 

Don't point out "good points" in the relationship.

 

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

Don't ask for reassurances.

 

Don't buy or give gifts.

 

When the affair partner engages you in person, be short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to. End the conversation as soon as possible, don’t encourage extended discussion. Interrupt if need be, gracefully bow out, and leave.

 

If you were in the habit of asking your affair partner how they are doing, ask nothing. Seem totally uninterested in their life.

 

Don't be overly negative, reactionary, or excited to see them—just pull yourself back. Don't be available for anything other than required business. Your affair partner will notice.

 

No matter what you are feeling today, only show your affair partner happiness and contentment.

 

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling ever. Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control: yourself.

 

Refuse to argue at all. It shows you care.

 

Be strong, confident, and learn to speak softly.

 

Do not focus on yourself. Don’t discuss how you feel.

 

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Try to remember that they are also hurting and desperate to make contact, and so they will say anything to justify their behavior.

 

By focusing on doing the above behaviors to the best of your ability, it will send the right message to both your spouse and your affair partner: you are committed to rebuilding your marriage. As months pass, feelings will align with actions. You’ll gain more self-confidence and self-respect. You’ll realize you can do the right thing, even when it is hard and painful. That will go a long way to restoring the love and trust between your spouse and you.

[stilltrying16]

sorry it was so long! But anyway, parts of the list are relevant to the AP, parts to the BP and parts to the WP. Choose what applies to you in your situation.

 

The purpose of the 180 is not to make yourself more attractive to your partner (harder to get), but really to demonstrate to you your inner strength and independence.

[ladyj888]

Like Mr. Lucky & kalap mentioned earlier I think that seeking out marriage counseling again is worth the try, especially if you love him and want to try to work things out. And definitely it’s normal to feel betrayed and confused, in light of his past and the present circumstances. That said, he too is likely feeling very confused and may have tried to be honest with you about his feelings, yet without thinking through how you’d take his honesty. All this signals to me that you both might benefit from a good marriage counselor.

[ChristineArayla]

how are you holding up today?

 

Life has been very very busy! Sorry I didn't get back sooner to post. I did check out the 180 and after my initial reaction of it being something for someone that has really lost their way - I came around to it being like a lot of things. Some apply for me, others for other situations.

 

There were some very good points. I have adopted what applies to me. I am not talking to him about anything but what we need to talk about. Told him I don't want to do "small talk texts" during the day, as he has always done.

 

I have had a terrible habit of giving into what he wants and ignoring myself. Last weekend I told him I was "taking a mental break". He blew up about what it meant - if it was going to be about sex or replying to his text or inviting him to things I normally would. It struck me he wanted these things FROM me, and not me.

 

I am taking time to clear my mind. It's been interesting. I have started putting things in order of what is good me first, not what is good for us. I was shocked that I had to force myself to do that. I am trying to force myself to get over some strange feelings of guilt I have. At times I have looked at him really been disgusted with him and felt terrible about it.

 

One thing that I thought in the 180 that was just crazy was "stop pointing out the good points of the marriage". I realized that wasn't to dwell on the bad - but to stop forcing yourself mentally into a corner. For so long I thought I had to see the good points and along the way forced myself not to not deal with the bad. But the question needs to be asked if the good outweighs the bad and with me constantly forcing myself to see the good I lost focus of my own needs.

 

Currently, I do not want to be around him and I am coping with that being ok. I told him I do not want to make plans as a couple right now.. We have plans this weekend that I don't want to break because they center around a group of mutual friends.

 

I am reorganizing in my mind as to what a deal breaker is to me and why. It is no longer my main thought if he had an affair, because even if he didn't I see that the way he treated me with other things in this situation did rightfully lead me to feeling loss of trust. He was disrespectful and did not care the pain he brought. Why an affair is a deal breaker to begin with.

 

It has been less than a week and Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm getting closer to where I want to be slowly. Right now it looks like it isn't with him. But that's ok. I don't have to file divorce papers tomorrow either, to work toward my own peace of mind.

 

NTV thank you so much for taking the time!!!

[ChristineArayla]

sorry it was so long! But anyway, parts of the list are relevant to the AP, parts to the BP and parts to the WP. Choose what applies to you in your situation.

 

The purpose of the 180 is not to make yourself more attractive to your partner (harder to get), but really to demonstrate to you your inner strength and independence.

 

Thanks for the post! I did wind up finding it the next day.

I have adopted what applies and it's feeling good! I am looking at it as to make my own life more attractive and focus on where I need to be ?

[ladyj888]

So glad you haven't jumped the gun to divorce as you said, because I too have often felt I can't work things out in situations without escaping. But I'm learning with much time that patience is truly a virtue and you can avoid even more heartache by working through situations right where you are "physically", but changing where you are "mentally".

 

And building inner strength, and in particular not tolerating disrespect is as part of that process, is great! Prayerfully you're still on this path and I hope all is better (at the very least for you building of self and with time also between you and your spouse).