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Long Post - When she messes up but makes you feel bad for being hurt and angry???

PerryK

By PerryK
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PerryK Member

PerryK

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Intro: There is one thing I can’t deal with in females and that is drug use. It has the power to make someone that I am really interested in to someone I wouldn’t look twice at. There is a few circumstances that has made me feel like that, I’ll explain them so people don’t say “you’re a prude” or “you shouldn’t judge people”…:

 

1) It is just a straight up massive turn off. 2) I have friends lose lives to drugs 3) I have had life long friends remove me from their lives and ditch me for drugs. 4) I watched a friend get stabbed in the head by a friends dad on a paranoia filled coke binge. 5) I have seen two neighbours go on the run from gangs after racking up £200k in drug debt (now in jail). 6) I have had “friends” rob my flat blind, the second I turn my back. 7) I dated a girl with a coke addiction who robbed me for a lot. 8) I took a girl on a date who I later found out was planning to rinse me of money for a secret drug addiction.

 

Background to the issue: My ‘partner’, before she went to university she lived in a small village, the kind where drug abuse is rife because there is nothing else to do and everyone is a “hippy”. She was a straight A student, didn’t touch anything but all her friends did. Her friends went to the same uni as her and she met other girls who were heavily in the drug scene. She was going out multiple times a week and every time she would take drugs, ecstasy, mdma, cocaine. This happened for 3 years multiple times a week, despite having kidney failure one time and having surgery. One friend was a massive ketamine addict, her “best friend” (reason its in “” “” will be explained later) was really heavily into drugs. Taking whatever she could get her hands on until she was passed out on the floor and having to be carried home. This girl she had always made plans with to move in with after university.

She met me and didn’t go near that girl until 3 months after uni, they went to a festival, got black out drunk and woke up with some unnamed white powder in the tent. After this I told her how disgusting I find it and explained my past. We then went in to a massive argument over how controlling I was being. She didn’t go back to see the friend then for a long time (she lived 200 miles away) and she had told me she didn’t even want to take drugs anymore, she was past all that, it’s so childish. We were together then basically every day, I took her away for Christmas to Rome.

While in my apartment in Rome, she had left her facebook chat open and I saw she had been bitching about me to this “best” friend when I glanced at it. Interested, I read the messages. She had told me that she wasn’t going to move because she didn’t want to lose me. In this chat a week before she said to her friend that she cannot wait to move because she “misses drugs and clubs”. We had a massive argument over that where she changed her story from “its hard to leave a big part of your life behind” to “I only said it because she is a drug addict and I don’t want her to think I’m boring” and “I only said that to hurt you”.

 

We broke up beginning of February; her parents were making her leave because there was no room in the house. We looked for a place together, I put the money down on it. She then pulled out because of “cold feet”. I lost the property and all the money I put down on it. The only other choice was to move to her friend. She had so clearly made the choice, she pulled out to live 200 miles away. I walked away and didn’t speak to her again for 4 weeks. In that time she moved to her drug addict friend and work coincidentally located me just outside that town for 4 months. We met up to talk and things hit off. For 2 weeks I was getting comfortable with the fact that after she had pulled out the house with what felt like a huge middle finger, she wasn’t going to do it again. She showed nothing but utter devotion to me for 2 weeks, telling me everything I wanted to hear, she loves me, she never wants to lose me again, she will leave where she is the second that I leave so we can be together and she will follow me wherever. I told her that I was wary, she was saying this but after I invested so much and had her rip it away that I was scared she would do it again. With that she pulled away, became argumentative, would bring up past arguments from 10 months ago and start them all over again etc. When pushed she revealed that she “just wants me to show I care and tell her I care” and that was her reasoning for starting arguments.

 

Agsinst what she had told me about going wherever I go, she went and rented a new house with this drug friend. A 12 month contract. When I brought up how hurt I was that she had done this when I thought she was going to move with me she started an argument that I clearly don’t want her, I just want someone that is there near me. I clearly don’t care about her as a person. I also brought up how worried I was that she had clearly got a drug problem in the past, she has put herself in a house, going out every week with a girl who does drugs everyday, all it takes is one drink and you say yeah sure. She convinced me that she would never do that, she can control herself when she drinks, she wouldn’t want to lose me over something like that, she doesn’t want it anyway its so childish.

 

They move in and have a “flat party”. Next day, I was at my parents for the weekend but had a chance to see her, so I travelled for 8 hours to get to her to spend the night and the day after. Before I left I spent hours in the kitchen cooking her favourite meal as a treat for her and brought it with me. I had previously told my mate about her jealousy issues, he told his gf who had previously said my partner looked like a horse, so I said friends gf was fat. This girl tagged me in a fb post about jealous girls and I put a laugh face and didn’t acknowledge it anymore than that. My gf told me to get off the train and go home, I did. When I did she went mad at me for getting off the train and not coming to her, I asked if she wanted me to come to her she said she doesn’t care. I get home and she tells me an hour later she does want me to come to her. I come (another 2 hour journey on trains).

We spend a great night together, talking, remembering that we love each other and remembering how close and best friends we actually are. We wake up in the morning and we get ready for me to take her to the zoo where she tells me she has to come clean, she took drugs at that party. She said it was an accident but when I asked what she had done, she had done a lot of different drugs, doesn’t sound like an accident, an accident is 1 slip and then realising.

 

I tell her to go f*** herself and she starts crying as I storm out the house. As I walk out she tries to call me and says “come back” I said no and went back to my base. For 30 minutes she was apologetic and telling me she is so sorry etc. 30 minutes later she started saying it is my fault, I over reacted, it was only a mistake, I clearly don’t care about her otherwise I wouldn’t have reacted like this.

 

I told her as I walked out that the past relationship has been a lie, she has told me something that I wanted to hear and it was all a lie so now I feel that the girl I loved was a lie and a performance of what I wanted to see, not the real her.

 

Oh well, this made her flip out at me. She twisted the whole thing on me, I kept on asking her to show me why I should trust her and believe the real her was what I loved. She turned it on me saying that I clearly don’t care for her otherwise I would have let her do this, I am actually really controlling and it is ridiculous for me to say don’t do it, she only did it because her “best” friend made forced her and kept calling her boring when she was saying no (best friends don’t influence your habits, they help make you better and respect your wishes), when she offered people in the past drugs and they said no because their bfs don’t like it she would tell them how much of a dick their boyfriend is and she was drunk so wasn’t thinking.

 

I was pretty much but not fully begging for her to beg for me back, show me how much I mean to her and this was just a slip. Instead she decided to pull away and say that I have been vile for walking out the house and not talking to her, because she was crying. She tells me I have said vile things that apparently I said I don’t love the real her and that she has being lying to me. And I have put her off me by rejecting and not forgiving her when she said sorry after I stormed out the house.

 

She tells me now, 2 days after she told me she will wait for as long as it takes for me to get past it so we can work it through because she knows I am her soul mate and we have had the happiest times of my life, now she says she doesn’t want to fix it, she wants someone to accept her as a person and will be accepting when she makes mistakes.

 

I am so confused, she has turned it on me, I feel like I am the bad guy and it is up to me to suck up to her and make her feel wanted and to stay with me. I feel really guilty for telling her that she lied over this to me and I feel like everything else was a lie now. I feel bad for telling her that I loved who I thought she was but she has ripped that away by just being a lie.

 

She never tried phoning me after, she never tried arranging to meet me. I want to go to her and wait for her outside her work to talk face to face because all conversation has been over text. But I don’t want to give her the gratification of turning it on me and have me chase after her after she did this.

 

I don’t want to lose her, but she will think she can get away with whatever and turn it on me and have me chase after her. I want to see her now, because I know more weekends spent with that “friend” will be more weekends around drugs. I know the longer we spend apart the more and more she convinces herself that she was innocent in anything and I am just a c**t for doing this and I clearly didn’t care so I wasn’t worth it anyway and she tried for half an hour to fix it but I rejected her so its on me. That’s her coping method to keep her ego intact.

 

I don’t know what to do at all!

 

 

Am I in the wrong, for how I reacted?

Is she in the wrong for what she did and then demanding that I forgive her immediately?

Is she wrong for turning it on me?

Am I wrong for telling her that I feel lied to and that I loved the her she pretended to be?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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First up, you do not need to justify why you don't want a partner who uses drugs. I understand completely.

 

As for the controlling comments....."Controlling" is "I will not let you do this". Assertive is "I will not be your partner if you choose to do this". You've possibly blurred the lines a little, but I think you've pretty much come out on the side of assertive. This is good.

 

As for her? She had a choice between taking drugs or having you. She chose the drugs. End of story. Anything else she says is bollocks. I know how much it hurts when exes see the truth so differently to us, but there's nothing we can do except have faith that we did the right thing.

 

Now, I'm going to lay money that she'll want to come back to you in a few weeks. Don't take her back unless you're willing to be going through this situation again in the near future.

 

Stay strong.

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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Drugs and a healthy relationship cant go together. Thats what you had- relationship with drugs and you , not her and you.

 

Time is the biggest healer !

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PerryK Member

PerryK

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First up, you do not need to justify why you don't want a partner who uses drugs. I understand completely.

 

As for the controlling comments....."Controlling" is "I will not let you do this". Assertive is "I will not be your partner if you choose to do this". You've possibly blurred the lines a little, but I think you've pretty much come out on the side of assertive. This is good.

 

As for her? She had a choice between taking drugs or having you. She chose the drugs. End of story. Anything else she says is bollocks. I know how much it hurts when exes see the truth so differently to us, but there's nothing we can do except have faith that we did the right thing.

 

Now, I'm going to lay money that she'll want to come back to you in a few weeks. Don't take her back unless you're willing to be going through this situation again in the near future.

 

Stay strong.

 

The more she said i was being controlling the more i felt guilty, but i did say it as i can't stand this, if you get involved then i won't be with you. Can that be taken as controlling or is it just her throwing her toys out the pram and trying to get away with it?

 

Thanks for understanding the drug thing, but around my age now, with the ease of access and how every other person deals it. Basically everyone does it, out of 500 facebook friends i have, i can probably name 4 or 5 who don't do anything, so when she tells me it is my fault for having this opinion i feel that she is right.

 

I have been trying to explain to her, she had been told repeatedly that i would leave if she got involved in drugs and then she did. She repeatedly tells me i clearly don't care about her if i can leave over this. She made a mistake and if i actually cared i would have stayed and talked to her and worked through it but i showed my true colours that i dont give a **** about her and walked out. She put me in a position where it is on me to show how much i cared about her now. And made me feel guilty for walking away rather than accepting one "slip, mistake" as she calls it.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted
The more she said i was being controlling the more i felt guilty, but i did say it as i can't stand this, if you get involved then i won't be with you. Can that be taken as controlling or is it just her throwing her toys out the pram and trying to get away with it?

 

Thanks for understanding the drug thing, but around my age now, with the ease of access and how every other person deals it. Basically everyone does it, out of 500 facebook friends i have, i can probably name 4 or 5 who don't do anything, so when she tells me it is my fault for having this opinion i feel that she is right.

 

I have been trying to explain to her, she had been told repeatedly that i would leave if she got involved in drugs and then she did. She repeatedly tells me i clearly don't care about her if i can leave over this. She made a mistake and if i actually cared i would have stayed and talked to her and worked through it but i showed my true colours that i dont give a **** about her and walked out. She put me in a position where it is on me to show how much i cared about her now. And made me feel guilty for walking away rather than accepting one "slip, mistake" as she calls it.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with your stance. Her version of "staying around and working through it" roughly translates to "I use drugs and I want you to accept this without complaint"

 

Using drugs wasn't a slip or mistake on her part - it was a choice. It was a choice that she knew you found unacceptable.

 

Perry, I applaud you for standing your ground. On these boards, I so often see people who don't enforce their boundaries and end up so hurt. And yes, enforcing boundaries hurts too - but instead of being a victim, you're taking control of what you want. Bravo to you

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PerryK Member

PerryK

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Drugs and a healthy relationship cant go together. Thats what you had- relationship with drugs and you , not her and you.

 

Time is the biggest healer !

 

 

Past of drugs and not doing it anymore can though, thats my biggest headache here.

 

She keeps calling it a "slip" and a "mistake" and it should be allowed because it was "the first time in like a year" which means that i should help work past this.

 

I do not want anything to do with people with drug habits because they turn into addictions which turns into everything i have witnessed.

 

There was a relationship with me and her, and then her friend wedged herself right in there and started calling her boring when she was saying no she doesn't want drugs and saying what was the point of moving together etc. My ex/gf wants to please people, especially someone she classes as her best friend. So she did it.

 

Now i'm here trying to make excuses for her ffs. I am just trying to see it from her point of view. But i can't see where one slip turns into 2, turns into i'll do it occasionaly, turns into i don't care what you say i do it when i want to.

 

I really am so confused.

 

She sent me a picture last night that said

 

"I automatically stop trying when i feel unwanted. I won't reach out to you if its not mutual. I dont beg."

 

Which is referring to her apologies for the first half an hour which i ignored and refused to accept.

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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I agree with all the replies above. You are not being controlling , just asserting and keeping your boundaries firm, which is very difficult these days , given the amount of outside pressure. You have your standards and you are not willing to accept less, especially when it seems that she is probably taking you for granted!

 

Keep your stand firm. She gets to choose either you or that. She probably is not an addict ( that I assumed when I read it first !) , so what she is doing now is by choice. She gets easily influenced by other people. Many times , even closest friends and family don't want best for us, for their own selfish interests but sugar coat the advice. She lacks that intelligence.

 

Her expecting you to let go, is quite difficult. How many chances are you ready to give before you walk away ? Is she going to test you till your patience wears off?You care now but repeatedly mishaps from her side will leave the relationship dead.

 

You are not wrong. She is expecting something she knows is not acceptable if tables were turned. It's easy to point at you rather than looking inside.

 

Yeah , her saying that she stops trying etc, is a manipulative trick to make you feel guilty when you are not. Don't fall into the trap.

Edited by mikeylo
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PerryK Member

PerryK

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You are not wrong. She is expecting something she knows is not acceptable if tables were turned. It's easy to point at you rather than looking inside.

 

 

 

This is where i am stumbling. She keeps saying "imagine if i told you to stop eating chicken and then i found out you ate chicken and i left you for it. It just shows you don't care"

 

and

"if i told you if you drank alcohol or i'll leave and then you did i wouldn't be as pathetic as to leave because i care and would want to work it out"

 

and

"you tell me that you don't like going nights out clubbing any more, but you still do it" (in reference to her not liking doing it but still doing it)

 

and

"sometimes people slip and do something they used to do, even if it is a mistake. You clearly don't care or you would have understood that"

 

 

We haven't spoken at all today but the longer it goes on the more I have those statements running through my head and i feel guilty and uncaring for not accepting it was a one off mistake and I need to apologise for not caring to work through it.

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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She is being very manipulative and her comparing those things with hers , is very childish. I bet you , if you had a slip up on something that she didn't like or whatever, she would through a fit !

 

Look man , she has a past of the same issue that you let go but if there are signs of continuing it in the future as well, then you yourself are to blame. You saw but this time , you 'chose' to ignore.

 

Assuming you forgive and forget, what guarantee can she give you that it won't happen again ? You can't monitor her every move ! Will you be able to trust her ? She has to prove her trustworthiness. Is she willing to ? No. Because she is not even taking responsibility for this ! More importantly, how can and is she willing to prove that she can be trusted ?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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"if i told you if you drank alcohol or i'll leave and then you did i wouldn't be as pathetic as to leave because i care and would want to work it out"

 

This only proves she makes false threats.

 

If she sends any more of these messages blaming you, you must block her. She's working very hard to undermine you and it would appear that she's starting to have some success.

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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Intro: There is one thing I can’t deal with in females and that is drug use.

 

So you're projecting all your negative drug experiences onto the women in your life? Okay. Clearly not all your negative drug experiences involved women but drugs only bother you when it concerns a female?

 

Hmmm, maybe there's something in that for you.

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PerryK Member

PerryK

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@Buddhist I didn't say that I let it negatively affect women in my life only. But I'm not going to talk about how a past friend of mine is a drug addict on a forum where I ask a relationship dating question am I?

Porter56 Established Member

Porter56

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I'll keep this short. This woman sounds toxic (in more ways than one) and you need to get her out of your life pronto.

mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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OP, friends is the family we choose. Your ex(?) chooses to be friends with such people. If she is a people pleaser, well , she can continue to please her friends BUT the cost is losing you. Yeah, you can help her but are you going to tag along everywhere ? What if one day she is ' just catching up with one of those friends'and they give her a little nudge and she being a people pleaser, will give-in again. Then ?

People like these don't change and expecting you to forgive and forget is going to make you miserable while her repeating it over and over because you let go previously.

Its going to be a slow death of this relationship.

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