Feeling like the Third Wheel

[Hakuouki]

A long one sorry!

 

I've seen a few posts similar to what I'm going through, but not exactly, though they could be out there deep in the forums.

 

I've been with my boyfriend almost a year, which is a short time I know, but we're building it for the long haul.

He is 29, I'm 31, we've both been in difficult relationships in the past, but I feel like this really is the best thing I've ever had. He treats me well and is attentive, kind and caring. And usually thoughtful, unless absorbed in his music, which is fine of course, everyone needs an outlet, I have art (and Skyrim) after all.

 

Currently I only get to see him one weekend every two weeks, because of our shift patterns at work, and the fact that he lives an hour away from me. He picks me up from work and we make the long drive to his, which I love.

We spend those two days sometimes going out, sometimes relaxing in, but we're together and our time is our own, which is the best.

 

However... It's his male best friend that is starting to irritate me (the BFF).

The BFF asks my boyfriend if he can come over and hang out. My boyfriend declines this and says he's spending those two days with me.

The BFF has the rest of those two weeks to spend with my boyfriend, he only lives a bus journey away, he can give me two days out of 14 to spend alone with my man, surely?

 

But he won't.

The BFF will STILL text him for those two days. Even though I just want to spend some time with my boyfriend, and catch up on how much I missed him while I was away. And my boyfriend is touch and go about it, he won't always reply, or at least not straight away if he does. But he says that his best friend is just single and lonely.

 

The first text on Saturday night read "playing drinking games is no fun alone.."

I don't go through his phone, he showed me this.

And I just don't get it.

Why doesn't he do something besides text my boyfriend all the time? I feel like they're in the relationship and I'm the one keeping them apart.

 

We sometimes hang out as a threesome, and they can hang out whenever they want of course. I do like the guy, don't get me wrong, but his neediness and (in my opinion, disrespect) is driving me up the wall.

 

I think it's very rude that he knows we're together for such a short time but STILL texts, and very disrespectful to me, like it's irrelevant whether I exist or not. It didn't annoy me at first because it wasn't frequent, but now it's every time..

 

Before you wonder, yes, I am jealous and slowly becoming bitter about this, because I feel like the third wheel, and I'm scared if I mention this to my boyfriend, I will come off as insecure or needy. When I believe my feelings are justified, and I'm not really being considered as part of his life.

 

Please help, tell me if I'm just being silly, is he jealous that my boyfriend has other commitments? Would it get better if the BFF found a girlfriend?

 

I don't want it to end ugly, at the moment I'm doing my very best to get along and to be positive, but I'm scared this might eventually hit a nerve and I'll vocalise it and cause unneeded friction.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Hakuouki

[MsJayne]

Yes, it would definitely get better if the BFF met a girlfriend. Either he doesn't understand boundaries, or, much more likely, he's doing it on purpose because he feels threatened by the fact that your partner is willing to put you before his mates. BFF's disregarding you, and that's his way of demonstrating that he doesn't count you as important. It's passive-aggressive behaviour, he's needling you, but doing it in such a way that you'd look stupid if you tried to make a big deal about it. He may be operating on a subconscious level, not even realising that he's being intrusive. I'd be more concerned if your partner answers every text because that's what keeps it going.

[Gloria25]

No, I don't think you're jealous, irrational, etc.

 

Yea, I think the BFF is like a female version of C-blocker. Yep, some friends get like that. I saw a movie with Jude Law where his BFF did some evil and cruel stuff cuz he was afraid that his bro wasn't gonna have bro time for him anymore.

 

Look, BFF can call, txt, etc all he wants...as long as your bf treats you right, that is what matters .

[Els]

I'm confused about why you feel like the 'third wheel'. Does your bf accept his friends' invitations? Does he spend a lot of time texting his friend otherwise, is he always 'absent' and on his phone when the two of you are together?

 

If the answer to both of the above is 'no' (which was my interpretation of your post), then why do you still feel jealous? By not replying much, it sounds to me like he's doing everything he can except for ditching his friend from his life entirely (which I can understand why he wouldn't want to). I mean, annoying/clueless friends exist. Sometimes such people can be great friends. As long as your bf continues to set appropriate boundaries then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just ignore the friend.

[PegNosePete]

Why don't you talk to your BF about this?

 

He can't control what his mate does or says, but he can control his responses (or lack thereof).