Emotional affair, friend, cheating or am I crazy?

[WasOtherWoman]

remember, you do not need to convince him that he is cheating and you do not need to get a confession out of him.

 

 

You only need enough evidence that you accept it yourself.

 

Exactly. I would use the VAR and not worry about the legality of it. You aren't going to use it, as it is generally irrelevant in a divorce anyway. Just get enough proof to satisfy yourself and move on!

[merrmeade]

P.S. Anyone that has the balls to gaslight can go to the extent of claiming a compromising purchase on his bank statment is fraudulent and having it removed and reimbursed.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Maddy, it does seem obvious that your husband is up to some hanky panky and you are justified in feeling the way you do. As an experiment I would suggest that you offer your husband an open marriage like the one in your previous relationship and check his reaction. If he jumps at the offer you would have your answer and if he rejects it out of hand then possibly he does treat this woman as a friend and nothing more. His reaction would reveal what his intentions are. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

Hi Maddy, it does seem obvious that your husband is up to some hanky panky and you are justified in feeling the way you do. As an experiment I would suggest that you offer your husband an open marriage like the one in your previous relationship and check his reaction. If he jumps at the offer you would have your answer and if he rejects it out of hand then possibly he does treat this woman as a friend and nothing more. His reaction would reveal what his intentions are. Warm wishes.

I do not think that is a very good "test", men in affairs do not usually want an open marriage, they want to be able to see their OW yes, but they DO NOT want their wife seeing other men.

That's not how it usually works.

[oldshirt]

I do not think that is a very good "test", men in affairs do not usually want an open marriage, they want to be able to see their OW yes, but they DO NOT want their wife seeing other men.

That's not how it usually works.

 

Truth!!

 

Cheaters are often the most paranoid, suspicious, jealous and possessive people on the planet.

 

They know the most what people are capable of behind closed doors and they don't want their spouses to have a thing to do with it.

 

Hyper suspicion and hyper vigilance of their own spouse is actually a sign of infidelity.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elaine, you may be right. However the shock of being made an offer such as this may unhinge him for a moment so that he reveals his true intentions. I don't know, it may work or it may not. The other thing OP could try would be to hire a PI while she is out of town to get intelligence on her husband's activities in her absence. However this begs the question that if she does not trust him such that she has to hire a PI then she may as well call it quits! Just my opinion.

[Mrin]

Exactly. I would use the VAR and not worry about the legality of it. You aren't going to use it, as it is generally irrelevant in a divorce anyway. Just get enough proof to satisfy yourself and move on!

 

This. Just VAR your home. There is nothing illegal about placing a VAR in your own domicile. Besides, as WOW just said, you're not going to use it for anything except for your own decision making and peace of mind. If you find out he's cheating, you'll just file for divorce. You don't need the VAR recording for grounds or anything like that.

 

Best of luck!

[Mrin]

Also, I might add - you know this but he was totally gaslighting you with the blame shifting. I've never understood gaslighting. It is probably some sort of deep rooted human reaction, but when it comes to spotting dishonesty it is like a huge klaxon blaring. Once you know how to spot it it is amazingly obvious.

 

Not to digress here but when a person is wrongly accused of something by someone they love, the immediate reaction isn't blame shifting or being righteously indignant. It is complete transparency to absolve yourself and then genuine concern for how the other person must have felt followed by a plan to make sure the incorrect perception doesn't occur again in the future.

[Mr. Lucky]

This. Just VAR your home. There is nothing illegal about placing a VAR in your own domicile. Besides, as WOW just said, you're not going to use it for anything except for your own decision making and peace of mind. If you find out he's cheating, you'll just file for divorce. You don't need the VAR recording for grounds or anything like that.

 

If he finds the VAR and objects, just give him your own version of either one of these:

 

he said he knew that I would be mad if I found out that he was talking to her so he got another phone.

 

I asked her why he didn't talk to her while he was around me, he said I don't want to rub our friendship in your face. I know you don't approve.

 

Mr. Lucky

[farsidejunky]

Fidelity is about trust, correct?

 

That said, if he is deliberately taking actions that breach trust, after you have clearly informed him of such, then it means even if he is not cheating you are incompatible in trust alone.

 

For the record, I don't believe for a minute he is not cheating. But often times posters really get wrapped around the axle about seeing irrefutable proof.

 

If you are on boat that you know is sinking, are you going to insist on seeing the source of the leak before you abandon ship?

[butterfly1958]

Just a check in to see how you are doing. Remember that you are a wonderful person and made with many talents. Always stand for the right thing for the right reasons and know in your heart where you are at. Guilt serves no purpose and neither does questioning yourself. Take time to really think about all of the events that have happened with your communication and circumstances and analyze this to help you navigate more calmly and push for change. What is your vision for your future? How will you get there? Ponder your values and how you want to live. Blessings.......