I want to say goodbye for good now

[Sabella]

Jenkins you are very sweet and kind. I often find your posts to others the exact same way.

 

I was actually really struggling with this NC today. If my Ap had any idea of how my life is blowing up around me, he would be there for me as a friend in a heartbeat. It's hard not to reach out to him. I know logically, that pulling him back would be selfish to him and what he is trying to do. Ultimately it would put me backwards too. It's a daily struggle for sure.

[jenkins95]

I understand 100%. I've been there many many times, even months after NC started. It's horrible, but please resist. Only ever go there if you think there is a chance of a legitimate relationship and you are ready for it.

 

I've been so close to reaching out a few times that I've deliberately locked my phone away in my car while I go to work, just in case I tempted in the heat of the moment. That desire for an instant 'hit' can be so overwhelming. Some amazing friends on here have talked me down from the ledge several times in PMs over the course of this year. I'm so glad they have. I will go to them again if I feel weak again in the future. Staying NC is brutal but it's the only pretty much guaranteed way to recover....... But it can take months, every years. It's getting on for a year since I saw my AP - I have to say I feel stronger now than i have at any point in that time. It feels good for the whole thing not to be constantly on my mind. But I won't get complacent - it's still one step at a time.

 

You are doing amazingly well. Keep going. We are here for you and i really do value your wise, sensible and grounded, non judgemental posts. Keep them coming!

 

I wish you nothing but the best....... Stay strong. Come to us instead of him...... For his benefit and yours.

 

J

[Sabella]

Ty Jenkins, a million times over. Exactly what I needed to hear.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Sabella - you are a true inspiration!!!

 

I can not begin to think of all the things you've been dealing with....your marriage where it is right now, your strength to go through with difficult decisions about it, being there all in for your kids in this difficult times...On the top of that, dealing with NC with your AP. And, doing that with so much clarity and kindness in your mind about it all that so clearly comes across in your posts. You truly are an amazing person!!!

 

As I've been following your story and reading your posts on this thread others - it is really humbling. I can feel your pain, and I can feel your resolve. It's humbling, and inspiring. And, I thank you for that!

 

Stay strong! As you are!!!

 

Hugs! We are here for you!!!

[Jersey born raised]

I think instead of saying you no longer feel a conneced and because that I really I have no disire for intimacy.

 

The separation, does it state clearly both of you may date? If you date before the divoce, it will only fuel his anger. His angry is his problem but the chore to fix it often falls to the BS. Please read this any resonate act on them..

 

 

Elegirl advise for battered woman

 

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

 

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233. They are available 24/7 via both phone and chat.

 

http://www.thehotline.org/help/*

 

========================================

 

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.*

 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

 

Get a support system:

 

Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

 

Also check into legal aid in your area.

 

 

Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

 

Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.*

 

Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

 

 

your mail from the ‘safe address’

 

All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

 

Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

 

Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,*

 

Car title, social security cards, credit cards,*

 

Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)*

 

Titles, deeds and other property information*

 

Medical records

 

Children's school and immunization records

 

Insurance information

 

Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.*

 

Welfare identification

 

Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

 

Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.*

 

Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

 

If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.*

 

Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.*

 

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.*

 

You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.*

 

Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

 

If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.*

 

Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.*

 

Hide an extra set of car keys.*

 

Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.*

 

Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.*

 

Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.*

 

Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.*

 

Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.*

 

Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

 

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*

 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:*

 

Change your locks and phone number.*

 

Change your work hours and route taken to work.*

 

Change the route taken to transport children to school.*

 

 

Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.*

 

Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.*

 

Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.*

 

 

Call law enforcement to enforce the order.*

 

If you leave:*

 

Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.*

 

Change your work hours, if possible.*

 

Alert school authorities of the situation.*

 

Consider changing your children's schools.*

 

Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.*

 

Use different stores and frequent different social spots.*

 

Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.*

 

Talk to trusted people about the violence.*

 

Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.*

 

Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.*

 

Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.*

 

Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

[Sabella]

Sabella - you are a true inspiration!!!

 

As I've been following your story and reading your posts on this thread others - it is really humbling. I can feel your pain, and I can feel your resolve. It's humbling, and inspiring. And, I thank you for that!

 

Stay strong! As you are!!!

 

 

Hugs! We are here for you!!!

Thank you Rain for the hugs and the pep talk, they are always welcome and needed! Its funny how some days you feel strong and resolved, then at night when I'm alone, and the kids are asleep, I'm a mess. Such a roller coaster. Sometimes reading on these forums really helps me, sometimes they make me cry because there is also a lot of sadness here. But there is also compassion and understanding.

 

Jersey, I want to thank you for your post, but also assure you that I'm not in physical danger with my H. He is a man of emotional outbursts and anger, but he has never struck me or the children. He does know that that is an auto deal breaker for me, as I've had family members in severe abuse situations. That being said, I don't completely trust him with his outbursts.

 

Right now everything is very amicable and we are really keeping it together for our children. We both think that is of the utmost importance. We will remain friendly for them.

 

As for dating, lol, no. That doesn't appeal to me on any level at the moment. I have too much to work on and if I'm being blunt and honest, I still have all my emotions and heart tied to my AP. I will need time to figure that all out so I can move on.

 

So this summer it will be about me and my kids swimming and walking and enjoying the outdoors. They have a gazillion activities that will also keep me busy as a chauffeur.