Whoknew30 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 I think some people get respect and fidelity confused with disrespect and turning others into a commodity. I don't expect someone who doesn't share those values to understand. Nor someone who has not had porn severely negatively impact their relationship. In my youth, I had bfs that could reasonably look at porn (and so did I) and then be able to contribute to the relationship still. Then I met one that was severely dysfunctional with it and could not at all get an erection without it. Even a blowjob wouldn't cut it. He also wanted a series of degrading things, which I did at the time. After that I sought out men that did not use porn, having seen the darker side of fixation with it. Similar to alcohol. Some people can drink socially and not turn into completely blasted drunks. Some people design their lives around alcohol. As a child of an alcoholic, I also didn't want to run the risk of it in my marriage and aimed to marry someone who didn't drink alcohol. We can all say "oh it so controlling not to want a spouse to have a beer." BUT if you sought out someone whose values match yours, make it VERY clear that porn or alcohol is a deal-breaker for you due to preference or past traumatic experience, then that places the ball in the court of the partner to respect or not respect that boundary. If they aren't going to respect that boundary, THEY should have the maturity to pass on being with you (and vice-versa) because there is nothing worse in a marriage than someone who walks on your boundaries and self-esteem in varying ways. I'm not willing to wreck a thread over it. My opinion and advice stands, especially for this OP who has already been through tremendous amounts of disrespect and degrading behaviours from her husband. i said if it's an addiction & your spouse can't stop that's another story...but telling a person how they can masterbate is definitely crossing a boundary. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship or a ownership. Even if someone cheats, doesn't mean that the BS has ownership over what the WS does with their body privately. If a spouse is at the point of having to tell another adult how think they should masterbate, that in itself is a big problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 i said if it's an addiction & your spouse can't stop that's another story...but telling a person how they can masterbate is definitely crossing a boundary. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship or a ownership. Even if someone cheats, doesn't mean that the BS has ownership over what the WS does with their body privately. If a spouse is at the point of having to tell another adult how think they should masterbate, that in itself is a big problem. It's not a "direct order" on the other person to say, "I am distinctly against drinking. I don't want to be in a relationships with someone that goes out to the bar and drinks." Same deal. It doesn't mean that person WOULD FOR CERTAIN become an alcoholic. But stating clearly, "I don't want this risk factor in my life" is totally fair game. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 ....but it's so much more than trying to dictate how one masterbates!! If watching pornography is MORE important than your partners feelings it speaks volumes about how you prioritize the feelings of your partner. It can set the tone for a whole relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 ....but it's so much more than trying to dictate how one masterbates!! If using a vibrator is MORE important than your partners feelings it speaks volumes about how you prioritize the feelings of your partner. It can set the tone for a whole relationship. Da*n right. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 It's not a "direct order" on the other person to say, "I am distinctly against drinking. I don't want to be in a relationships with someone that goes out to the bar and drinks." Same deal. It doesn't mean that person WOULD FOR CERTAIN become an alcoholic. But stating clearly, "I don't want this risk factor in my life" is totally fair game. If your spouse has had a problem (any problem) & you've had to deal with it & don't want them to do it again, understandable...but if it's a issue that one had in life before marriage, than that's something one should work before they get married. It's immature to make your spouse pay the price for a bad experience in life that had nothing to do with them... actually it's kind of selfish & wrong to expect your spouse to live a certain way bc you had a bad experience, if they truly don't have the same problem. One should be in IC to work on themselves under those circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 18, 2016 Share Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) There are a lot of unknowns here. It's one thing to enjoy porn or have some kind of masturbatory ritual in between healthy sexual relations with one's partner and it's another thing when it impedes or worse, replaces it all together. Believe me, I know. What we DON'T know is what kind of relationship the OP and her hubby have outside of porn. Are they happy? Are they fulfilled in all areas? Do they have a healthy sex life otherwise? Are they comfortable communicating about anything? Do they express their deepest sexual desires? Why does her hubby need porn? Is it just simply that it's an addiction or does it have more to do with not getting what he wants or needs in the bedroom? And vice versa. There is so much unanswered here that depending on the answers from each of them might significantly change our responses. Perhaps the OP can answer some of these questions for herself and help paint a better picture. Looking at it from my perspective as outlined as is on here, I am of the mind to join in and capture his attention rather than sit and b*tch and toss out ultimatums - I mean, has that ever really worked for anyone???? Edited May 18, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sparkles72 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Share Posted May 19, 2016 Why don't you watch it with him? He probably hides it because he knows you don't like it. If he watched it right in front of you, knowing you hated it, would that be better or worse? The internet is full of pornography because guys love it. Women read a romantic book and guys look at porn (stereotype). Just because he looks at porn, it doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you. It doesn't mean you are inadequate. Some guys like to see a variety of stuff that they can't in normal life such as lesbians, threesomes, foreign women, etc. Does he look at "normal" porn or fetish porn? If it's fetish porn, than you should talk to him about it, and maybe try it with him. He looks at hardcore porn, the usual stuff nothing fetishism. Sadly he has cheated on me, that's on a different post, but it made me wonder if it was a porn fantasy as the "affair" was just sex only and the other "woman" had an anything goes attitude towards sex Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 source of the article? The official journal of the American Urological Association, The Journal of Urology Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 He looks at hardcore porn, the usual stuff nothing fetishism. Sadly he has cheated on me, that's on a different post, but it made me wonder if it was a porn fantasy as the "affair" was just sex only and the other "woman" had an anything goes attitude towards sex This is making more sense now. I took a quick read of your previous thread about him cheating. So are you asking us if watching porn in some way contributed to your partner cheating on you?? Link to post Share on other sites
ChattyKat Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 I don't have an issue with it. Much better than drugs or heavy alcohol use. Men are visual creatures. Making an issue out of it will likely cause him to hide the behavior of looking at porn Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 What is everyone's opinion on their partner/husband watching porn? My partner has been looking at it for as long as I can remember, we've had discussions about it and the fact I don't like him looking at it. It makes me feel inadequate and I find it makes women look degrading. He thinks I don't know I still know he watches it. Is it normal? Just my opinion, but it doesn't matter so long as it doesn't harm his marriage and real world sex life. Some men can watch it and there are zero problems. For others, it can become a huge problem, almost an addiction. Kind of like some people an have a drink every evening and be fine, while others become alcoholics. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 My SO and I both watch occasionally - I probably watch a bit more often than he does. Not a big deal to me. That being said... He looks at hardcore porn, the usual stuff nothing fetishism. Sadly he has cheated on me, that's on a different post, but it made me wonder if it was a porn fantasy as the "affair" was just sex only and the other "woman" had an anything goes attitude towards sex I can understand why you would have an issue with it given this background. I don't think watching porn correlates with cheating at all though - cheating has been going on since the dawn of monogamous relationships, long before computers or TVs or even print was in regular use. Link to post Share on other sites
Neil711 Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 A few things: 1. One of the hottest things on earth is watching it with my wife. Took 17 years to get there, but man! 2. I don't watch it at times where we are having frequent daily sex. I doubt many do. So if you don't like him watching it you may want to try acting like you're a 20 year old again and do it until you can't do it anymore. 3. I believe porn can manifest into persuit of fantasy and that can be dangerous. Lots of cheating sites advertise on porn. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 What is everyone's opinion on their partner/husband watching porn? My partner has been looking at it for as long as I can remember, we've had discussions about it and the fact I don't like him looking at it. It makes me feel inadequate and I find it makes women look degrading. He thinks I don't know I still know he watches it. Is it normal? Personally, Porn does nothing for me. I find it fake and a turn off. I do not like strip clubs either. It is probably more normal for a man to be attracted to porn, as long as it is not obsessive and not a substitute for his wife. Still, if you have told him that it makes you feel inadequate, he probably should give it up. Maybe counseling can help. I also agree with Neil that if done obsessively and a substitute for sex with you, it might lead to an affair. There are actually scientific studies about the way porn affects the brain. Most show it is not a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts