Living arrangements if a MM does leave?

[goodyblue]

When my h left his ex he moved into an apartment. We dated long distance for a few months then he rented us a home here, I moved with my kids across the country and we dated. At about a year we moved in together. Then we married. We bought a home a year ago.

 

I think it would have been overwhelming for him to move directly in with us, because of my kids not his.

 

I think things should settle down and the divorce should be well underway if not over before living with someone else.

[cocorico]

Something I've been thinking about lately. I've seen a few posts where a MM has left and moved directly into the OWs home.

 

Do you think this is the right way? I have always thought it be better if the MM live alone and take some time before moving on with the OW (if at all).

 

Am I in the minority? Does it matter if children are involved?

 

I'm interested in other people's thoughts on this and also does it make a difference if it's the mm's/mw's choice to leave or if they got thrown out by their BS?

 

 

I think individuals are the best judge of their own situations. I'd be hard-pressed to argue for one size fits all on any of this. My H (fMM) moved out with his kids, and lived with them for a few months at which point I moved in with them. That's what suited us - he needed to get away from the xBW, the kids wanted to go with him, so they moved. I wasn't yet ready to move, so I joined them when I was. I think in retrospect that that was a good situation for him (them) because it gave him and the kids space to renegotiate their relationships without the BW, and without me confusing things.

 

I know another fOW who used to post here whose fMM left and they moved in together straight away. They both had kids, of similar ages, and IIRC they faced some initial challenges around blending families, but other than that it was the right thing for them, and they're still very happy. So, horse for courses, I'd say.

[Got it]

In my case he moved in with friends and lived with them for awhile while they figured out the separation paperwork, etc., he got his own place, then he moved away so would stay at my place when visiting them and I, and then we moved in together permanently when we got engaged after the divorce.

 

There was no rush to meet the kids and I didn't meet them until after the divorce was finalized. When he was staying with me, he would get a hotel room when he had the kids overnight. If not they just went out and did things together. He worked on his relationship with the kids first.

[Crackers115]

Yes I don't particularly want people to know - more our families tbh esp as its a long term affair but I've yet to see any movement in any direction on this so I'm not holding my breath.

 

I just don't know how to tell him he can't move straight in with me. Maybe when/if we start to talk about it more I can tell him my concerns but I don't want him to take it to mean that I don't want to be with him

 

This is exactly how I'm feeling and thinking at the moment. I have children involved and his is grown.

[Crackers115]

Well, if he's leaving to be with you, one thing that probably should happen sooner rather than later is that you guys develop an exit strategy. Showing up with stuff in-hand and saying "Honey, I'm home!" is not the wisest of ideas. Especially if you're hoping to keep the affair a secret.

 

Any pointers on how to begin the exit strategy and how to proceed? I'm really having a hard time on how to deal with that. He's still living in his house until it gets sold because he doesn't have the finances to move out on his own. His divorcee is in the process now and I'm guessing it to be finalized in a few months. He still has to go through the process of splitting up of their assets.

[ladydesigner]

My parents were both married when they met. My dad has a son with his first wife. They moved in together within 3 months of seeing each other. They got an apartment together and have been married for 44 years this year.

[Lady Hamilton]

Any pointers on how to begin the exit strategy and how to proceed? I'm really having a hard time on how to deal with that. He's still living in his house until it gets sold because he doesn't have the finances to move out on his own. His divorcee is in the process now and I'm guessing it to be finalized in a few months. He still has to go through the process of splitting up of their assets.

 

The exit strategy is for him to come up with, not you. And if he's actively divorcing and a "few months" away from being divorced and says he has no exit strategy... That sounds odd.

 

If he's gotten to a point where he doesn't want to be married, they're divorcing, and he's leaving, one would think he'd have some sort of plan for post-divorce life.

 

Splitting assets can take awhile, especially if it's contentious. So can selling the house. Has child support and alimony been settled? If it has, that should go a long way to distinguishing what is his income alone and what he can afford.

[muchlovetogive]

I've wondered about this too. MM has moved into his relative's house for over 1.5 years now, and has spoken to me about us moving in together. I wasn't sure if it would be better if he had his own place before we did so, or if his living at the relative's counted as that, as we did spend most of our time together there.

[Crackers115]

The exit strategy is for him to come up with, not you. And if he's actively divorcing and a "few months" away from being divorced and says he has no exit strategy... That sounds odd.

 

If he's gotten to a point where he doesn't want to be married, they're divorcing, and he's leaving, one would think he'd have some sort of plan for post-divorce life.

 

Splitting assets can take awhile, especially if it's contentious. So can selling the house. Has child support and alimony been settled? If it has, that should go a long way to distinguishing what is his income alone and what he can afford.

 

We have been talking about it and right now he's staying in his house until it's sold. He does have a buyer but his soon to be x doesn't want to sell it until they get their assets divided up. Kind of stinks because I know that takes time. We have talked and he understands that he can't move in with me right away because I have young children and I want them to get to know him and realize that he is going to become a part of their life. He also has a relative that he can stay with after he settles everything. I told him that is a good idea and he should for at least a few months.

[S2B]

Yes I don't particularly want people to know - more our families tbh esp as its a long term affair but I've yet to see any movement in any direction on this so I'm not holding my breath.

 

I just don't know how to tell him he can't move straight in with me. Maybe when/if we start to talk about it more I can tell him my concerns but I don't want him to take it to mean that I don't want to be with him

 

If this is to have any chance of working - you're gonna need to begin telling him openly and honestly how you feel.

 

If you don't want him showing up at your place then be clear about that.

 

You have every right to state how you feel - it's your life.

[LGBJUNHAO]

My MM bought the house he and his soon to be ex before he got married, so the house is pre-marital assets. He loves his house, so he will not sell it. His attorney said since they have a toddler together, she could fight to live in the house till the divorce is finalized. His attorney suggested that he do not leave his how during the divorce

 

MM has his attorney picked out and will officially file in a few weeks. his plan is try to get her to move out to live with her family. She comes from a rich family, so she has place to go. If she refuse to move out, they will have to share the same house till the divorce is finalized. either way, I do not see me and him living together even after he files

 

I have my own place. He did suggested that after the divorce is finalized, I rent my place out to move in with him. Will see.

Edited May 22, 2016 by LGBJUNHAO

[imperfectangel]

If this is to have any chance of working - you're gonna need to begin telling him openly and honestly how you feel.

 

If you don't want him showing up at your place then be clear about that.

 

You have every right to state how you feel - it's your life.

 

If the subject were to come up again I would have to speak out but when your not even sure if it's a serious conversation I didn't see he point of going into detail since I'm 99.9999998% sure it'll never happen

[S2B]

If the subject were to come up again I would have to speak out but when your not even sure if it's a serious conversation I didn't see he point of going into detail since I'm 99.9999998% sure it'll never happen

 

Did you ever stop to think that you're having an affair with a man that you can't even be open and honest with? That wouldn't work for me.

[imperfectangel]

Did you ever stop to think that you're having an affair with a man that you can't even be open and honest with? That wouldn't work for me.

 

He isn't open and honest with his wife so how can I expect that from him?

[cocorico]

He isn't open and honest with his wife so how can I expect that from him?

 

You can't expect anything from anyone, but you can ask for it and make any continued R conditional on it. My H has always been open and honest with me, and with everyone else - even if he withheld information about the A from his xW (prior to his disclosure). Context matters. Just because someone is one way with one person, it doesn't mean that they are the same way with everyone else.