Toodaloo Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Not P.... But thanks. Oh I know but just in case... I got ya back. I think we all have to watch each other and look for signs as abuse like this can be so... isolating. Men and women hide it or make excuses for it. Some right up until its too late... Wife 'murdered solicitor husband when he lost his job' - BBC News It really can happen to anyone... 1
Miss Peach Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I really don't think it's something that you can know just by asking him. I mean, obviously everyone would say they're against it, doesn't mean they won't do it. I don't see any harm in it, I just don't see any benefit. If you read stuff on abuse like Lundy Bancroft's books, you'll see most of these people do not see themselves as abusive. It's something you'll have to derive from different conversations and situations over time. A coworker of mine had a fairly short relationship with an abusive man, so not wanting to repeat the experience, she brought up the subject of abuse with her new bf under the guise of talking about someone else. He said he would kill himself if he ever hit a woman, as his father hit his mother and he thought it was completely and utterly wrong - he would never hit a woman. She was a bit concerned because of the history, but he was so convincing she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Of course "son of an abuser" doesn't sound great, but her reasoning was that because he was so vehemently opposed and having seen the damage caused up close, he was a safer bet. BUT after a few years he became "controlling" and he started hitting my friend. It turned out he actually blamed his mother for tolerating the abuse and not taking the kids including himself out of the situation. His view of women was thus skewed, his anger surfaced and he became the abuser his father was... So having "the talk" was in fact useless in that case. I've know people in this situation too. Very similar story. How long did it take for this guy to show his true colors?
preraph Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Its not just gay men... That statistic was 1 in 5 hetrosexual men in the UK have experienced domestic abuse/ violence towards them. Problem is many still see it as a "female" problem. There are avenues and places to go for females. Not so much for males. AND what is a male supposed to do when a woman hits him? Most just "take it" as they do not want to hit a woman... They then feel as though they can not talk about it because its seen as very un-masculine to allow a woman to hit you. Most of the men suffering from domestic violence are not wimps. They are grounded, strong individuals who find themselves stuck in a situation they can not get out of or talk about... Sound familiar to women who have or are being abused? I am presuming it would be roughly the same for homosexual men but I have not seen or read anything about it and thankfully my gay friends have had the good sense to leave any relationships they have had that look as though they may go that way. Best way to prevent it is to be wise to it and pick up on the warning signs and get away before it starts. OP there have been too many warnings - please get away now for your own safety. I think physical fighting is probably more common in male on male relationships since men are 86% of convicted violent offenders and a lot of that is male on male just bar-type fighting, too. I know males being abused or raped is way underreported, but it's also way underreported by females as well. But one reason besides embarrassment men don't report is also because they are not really afraid of the woman killing them since they rarely ever do that, whereas women are much more afraid of being killed or seriously injured. So there's no accurate stats on nonhomicidal violence because of the vast underreporting on both sides, but we do see fairly accurate stats on domestic violence that ends in death. These Bureau of Justice Statistics stats are getting a little old now (gov't cutbacks) but are still interesting and reflect the general trend that continues. Of intimate partner homicides between males, there are just a little under half as women killed by intimate partners. Women offenders, maybe I didn't dig deep enough, but I didn't find a breakdown specifically for intimate partner homicide by a female offender. But overall women offender stats are about 14% with the rest being committed by males, so the hypothetical homicides by female violent partners must be lower than 14%. This is a very interesting website if anyone is truly interested in the subject. http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/wo.pdf http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/fvv.pdf
MrDuck Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) I second all this!! I'm actually genuinely surprised how many people have this conversation!! No one has ever brought this up to me or as far as I know to anyone I know. I'd assume its a given. And I'd hope she knew me well enough to not feel she even needed to wonder. Yeah I agree with Jen. When I saw the title, I thought this was regarding a parent / child conversation. Like when I was young, and my parents made it very clear that a man was to NEVER lay a hand on me out of anger, and that violence had no place in a relationship. I have never, ever had to "have the talk" with a romantic interest. I would put it up there with having a talk that murder is wrong.... Well of course it is. And I would hope my judgement of character is strong enough not to pick a murder as a partner. You aren't going to stop an abuser by telling them it's not something you tolerate, and I find it hard to believe many abusers would say "well sometimes women need domestic violence". Edited May 11, 2016 by MrDuck 1
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