jen1447 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Great advice everyone! The only thing that bugs me about him is he is overly sarcastic and occasionally refers women as a b**** It hasn't got that far yet. He doesn't believe in premartial sex and still is a virgin in his 40's.....I lost mine years ago in a non-committed relationship. He believes a woman needs to "submit" in marriage. It just weird that he calls himself a Christian and calls women the B word. He has called me selfish 2 times told him whatever. Those aren't particularly positive signs IMO but they might just be a product of a strict religious upbringing, not necessarily abusive tendencies waiting to emerge. If it was me I'd find out by pushing his buttons and challenging those opinions. If you called into question his use of the b word and his views on women's roles and he reacted by getting angry and struggling to keep his composure, that would def be an ender, but if he was reasonable and reconsidered maybe not so much. It'd still be a risky play getting into a dogmatic person's mix long-term but I think we have to be careful about using filters - if they're too broad they can pretty much rule everyone out. 2
Author ChattyKat Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) Those aren't particularly positive signs IMO but they might just be a product of a strict religious upbringing, not necessarily abusive tendencies waiting to emerge. If it was me I'd find out by pushing his buttons and challenging those opinions. If you called into question his use of the b word and his views on women's roles and he reacted by getting angry and struggling to keep his composure, that would def be an ender, but if he was reasonable and reconsidered maybe not so much. It'd still be a risky play getting into a dogmatic person's mix long-term but I think we have to be careful about using filters - if they're too broad they can pretty much rule everyone out. I was raised in a somewhat religious upbringing as well. My dad liked to tease/joke around but never, ever once used any "mean" names towards my mother or me. A mutual friend told me he doesn't like a smarta** woman whatever that means. We've only went out on a few dates so it's nothing serious. Haven't even kissed yet. After his latest sarcastic comments when trying to have a serious conversation about gardening, I've thought about ending our potential relationship Edited May 10, 2016 by ChattyKat 1
jen1447 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 I was raised in a somewhat religious upbringing as well. My dad liked to tease/joke around but never, ever once used any "mean" names towards my mother or me. A mutual friend told me he doesn't like a smarta** woman whatever that means. We've only went out on a few dates so it's nothing serious. Haven't even kissed yet. After his latest sarcastic comments when trying to have a serious conversation about gardening, I've thought about ending our potential relationship I'd actually worry more about his sarcastic gardening comments believe it or not bc it means he has contempt for things that (I assume) are important to you. That in turn means he doesn't respect you, and that is indeed a trait to avoid at all costs. Use of the b word is meh in my eyes and depends a lot on context and frequency. If he says it all the time and uses it to relegate women to a lower status in his mind that's one thing, but if he dropped it meaninglessly in anger once or twice ....I mean if my BF did that I'd just call him a b**** back and forget about it. 1
Author ChattyKat Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 I'd actually worry more about his sarcastic gardening comments believe it or not bc it means he has contempt for things that (I assume) are important to you. That in turn means he doesn't respect you, and that is indeed a trait to avoid at all costs. Use of the b word is meh in my eyes and depends a lot on context and frequency. If he says it all the time and uses it to relegate women to a lower status in his mind that's one thing, but if he dropped it meaninglessly in anger once or twice ....I mean if my BF did that I'd just call him a b**** back and forget about it. He brought up the question asking if I liked gardening. I was like yeah, I'd plant some flowers and veggies. Then I asked him what he plant. He said, b******. And I was like what?? He responded back "Just Kidding". He wasn't mad at all in his tone of voice.
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 It hasn't got that far yet. He doesn't believe in premartial sex and still is a virgin in his 40's.....I lost mine years ago in a non-committed relationship. He believes a woman needs to "submit" in marriage. It just weird that he calls himself a Christian and calls women the B word. He has called me selfish 2 times told him whatever. Be assured he will hit you as soon as you have that ring on. * control is followed by * verbal abuse which is followed by * physical abuse If you feel the need to bring up a 'talk' about domestic abuse it's because your instinct is telling you you're at risk with him. Dump him. And to answer your question the 'talk' is useless. My ex use to tell everyone that wished to hear that men beating women deserved to be castrated and put in jail...he punched me in the face before our 1st year marriage anniversary, I was 8 months pregnant. Remember reading this when it happens to you. 2
jen1447 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 He brought up the question asking if I liked gardening. I was like yeah, I'd plant some flowers and veggies. Then I asked him what he plant. He said, b******. And I was like what?? He responded back "Just Kidding". He wasn't mad at all in his tone of voice. Is that "b******" as in the plural of the b-word? What does that even mean? I'd actually dismiss him for that just for being weird, nevermind possible secret abuser. 2
RecentChange Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 And this is why I do not feel like I have to "have the conversation" I feel like an abuser would not get through my prescreening of "character" at all. I am a fairly "dominant" woman, and a guy who thinks lowly of women, or thinks that they need to "submit" would never get my time of day, nor do I think that they would have any interest in me. I would never consider a man who I thought I had to explain that I won't tolerate being hit.... 1
Author ChattyKat Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 Is that "b******" as in the plural of the b-word? What does that even mean? I'd actually dismiss him for that just for being weird, nevermind possible secret abuser. plural, yeah I was confused too like what?? That doesn't even make sense. 1
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 He brought up the question asking if I liked gardening. I was like yeah, I'd plant some flowers and veggies. Then I asked him what he plant. He said, b******. And I was like what?? He responded back "Just Kidding". He wasn't mad at all in his tone of voice. Really creepy and a bit of a misogynistic "joke", in he would plant "nasty women" in the garden, ie dead ones... 3
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 He likes his women submissive so anyone who steps out of line... under the patio.. 2
jen1447 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 plural, yeah I was confused too like what?? That doesn't even make sense. Yeah ....you now have my blessing to dump him. 3
Miss Peach Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 I've been in abusive situations. People can be abusive even if they never hit someone. There is a lot more to the dynamic than that. IME the best way to tell is to observe someone's behavior. You will see control, manipulation, and/or entitlement. My two favorite books on the topic are The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Why Does He Do That. Between the two books it paints the other ways abuse comes into relationships besides physical abuse. 2
Author ChattyKat Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 Really creepy and a bit of a misogynistic "joke", in he would plant "nasty women" in the garden, ie dead ones... Now that you've explained it, I understand his "joke" more clearly. Eeek! He likes his women submissive so anyone who steps out of line... under the patio.. Or be used as a tool to abuse Yeah ....you now have my blessing to dump him. No more further dates with him, that's for sure. He sounds psycho! 3
GemmaUK Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 I got back here late. Glad you're not going on any other dates with him! So so so glad! x In case you wanna do some reading up on those instincts you had.. My reading list: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions 1
preraph Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 I used to work it into the conversation right away and I'd do it in a way that made them believe me when I said I'd never put up with it. I remember even telling a couple of guys that if someone ever hit me, they better not go to sleep that night. I mean, I wasn't directing it at them, but I got the message across. Or I talk about people who hit women are going to end up with an iron skillet imprint on their head some day or things like that. I never got any negative kickback from it because it wasn't directed at them but was letting them know I'd never put up with it AND would fight back. I never had a guy even try it. I think they knew I meant business. Guys who do that are cowards who may or may not have rage that is hard to control (they may simply enjoy abusing) and they tend not to try to get involved with someone unless they think they're weak in some way and will put up with it. Of course, they miscalculate all the time, but that's why it's important to come out strong about it. If you have a strong dad or brother, you can also say something like, "If that ever happened to me, my brother would pulverize him." I did have a real violent guy in love with me once (he would tell me incidents - I worked with him alone all day) and I'd tell him how I grew up with some of it and how it affected me and that I'd NEVER get involved with someone who did that or put up with it. His abused girlfriends would come to me trying to get me to fix him some way because they knew he respected me and cared about me. But there is no fixing someone like that. They might be able to fix themself, but no one should stick around to find out, because they usually just get meaner and more controlling and angry with age. 2
preraph Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 There is your red flag. He has a low opinion of women. As for domestic violence its imperative to bring it up asap. MEN READ THAT TOO PLEASE! 1 in 5 men have now suffered domestic abuse at some point. It is NOT just a female problem. It was brought up on date 2 with my current beau. He brought the subject up. This is true. I had some very close gay friends, and about 2 out of 5 of them, I knew for sure there had been some violence. The others may or may not have told me if there had been. I also had an uncle that was abused, though I'm not sure if it was physical or just mental, but it was really bad mental. 2
sandylee1 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 I never had that conversation with any of my BFs or my H. A sensible human being knows it's unacceptable and I feel that is common sense. I really never felt that I should say it. However if I'd experienced DV in a previous relationship... then I absolutely would mention it... in a general way ...by saying it's not something I would tolerate and that I would end any relationship where a man became violent and never look back. That should let him know exactly how I feel on the subject. 1
preraph Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 One real natural way to bring it up is while watching tv together, where the story is about that. Then it's not about them. But if after that, they start pulling away or their behavior changes and becomes more challenging or they argue with you about it, be ready to move on. 1
Toodaloo Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 This is true. I had some very close gay friends, and about 2 out of 5 of them, I knew for sure there had been some violence. The others may or may not have told me if there had been. I also had an uncle that was abused, though I'm not sure if it was physical or just mental, but it was really bad mental. Its not just gay men... That statistic was 1 in 5 hetrosexual men in the UK have experienced domestic abuse/ violence towards them. Problem is many still see it as a "female" problem. There are avenues and places to go for females. Not so much for males. AND what is a male supposed to do when a woman hits him? Most just "take it" as they do not want to hit a woman... They then feel as though they can not talk about it because its seen as very un-masculine to allow a woman to hit you. Most of the men suffering from domestic violence are not wimps. They are grounded, strong individuals who find themselves stuck in a situation they can not get out of or talk about... Sound familiar to women who have or are being abused? I am presuming it would be roughly the same for homosexual men but I have not seen or read anything about it and thankfully my gay friends have had the good sense to leave any relationships they have had that look as though they may go that way. Best way to prevent it is to be wise to it and pick up on the warning signs and get away before it starts. OP there have been too many warnings - please get away now for your own safety. 3
Els Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 (edited) I really don't think it's something that you can know just by asking him. I mean, obviously everyone would say they're against it, doesn't mean they won't do it. I don't see any harm in it, I just don't see any benefit. If you have any reason to believe this man would raise his hand against you, then you need to leave pronto. Don't hang around based on his answer to your question, it's pointless. Edited May 11, 2016 by Elswyth 3
Haydn Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Never asked anyone. You simply do not know. I found out one Sunday evening as i was repeatedly punched, kicked, scratched. She put her face into mine and told me. `Hit me back` I didn`t, i left. This was an argument about me seeing too much of my daughters, instead of her. One time in a pub, i said hello to, two gay friends. She broke a glass on the table and threatened me with it. Fun times indeed:( 1
deep_night Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 A coworker of mine had a fairly short relationship with an abusive man, so not wanting to repeat the experience, she brought up the subject of abuse with her new bf under the guise of talking about someone else. He said he would kill himself if he ever hit a woman, as his father hit his mother and he thought it was completely and utterly wrong - he would never hit a woman. She was a bit concerned because of the history, but he was so convincing she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Of course "son of an abuser" doesn't sound great, but her reasoning was that because he was so vehemently opposed and having seen the damage caused up close, he was a safer bet. BUT after a few years he became "controlling" and he started hitting my friend. It turned out he actually blamed his mother for tolerating the abuse and not taking the kids including himself out of the situation. His view of women was thus skewed, his anger surfaced and he became the abuser his father was... So having "the talk" was in fact useless in that case. Btw he didn't kill himself... a similar thing happened to me. similar talk, similar outcome. i was young and didnt know. its better to observe who someone really is from a distance, observe how he treats/treated other people, his family, strangers, people in customer service, his exes, his friends. behaviour patterns dont change. 2
Toodaloo Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Never asked anyone. You simply do not know. I found out one Sunday evening as i was repeatedly punched, kicked, scratched. She put her face into mine and told me. `Hit me back` I didn`t, i left. This was an argument about me seeing too much of my daughters, instead of her. One time in a pub, i said hello to, two gay friends. She broke a glass on the table and threatened me with it. Fun times indeed:( Give me a ring if it ever happens again. A bit of girl on girl never hurt anyone I have never been able to understand why anyone could hit another out of sheer malice like this. Male/ female/ adult/ child... Just makes no sense to me at all. I digress. Best way to deal with it is exactly as you did. Walk away as fast as you can. 3
Haydn Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Give me a ring if it ever happens again. A bit of girl on girl never hurt anyone I have never been able to understand why anyone could hit another out of sheer malice like this. Male/ female/ adult/ child... Just makes no sense to me at all. I digress. Best way to deal with it is exactly as you did. Walk away as fast as you can. Not P.... But thanks. 2
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