Bandon1111 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Recently was on the end of a very unexpected dumping after a few excellent dates with this woman. We are both aged mid 30s and had a great time over these dates. She then went a bit cold over the last week, while away for work, and then sms'd me at the end of the week saying she had been reconsidering her feelings in depth over the week and didn't see things going anywhere. I was very surprised as she had come across super interested all the way through, but made sure I left a good impression in saying I was disappointed but respected her decision. I'd like to take her word for it and based on her busy schedule don't think there was someone else on the scene. But I could be wrong. Question I am struggling with is if it did take her so long to come to this conclusion, when we'd only been seeing each other for a month or so, was there any chance she really struggled with this decision? And if so, is there any outside chance she may have a change of heart in the coming weeks, even though we only dated for a short time, or is the nail in the coffin as far as she is aware. She knows I'm going away for a few weeks shortly as well. I'm certainly not holding out any hope, but this one has me a bit puzzled. And am still pretty gutted that I missed out on this opportunity! She didn't offer the friends option either, which is fine, but we got on so amazingly well, that kind of surprised me too. Ladies - would you mind offering your thoughts please? Would be most appreciative. Edited May 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
ALL OR NOTHING Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Whenever you think about doing anything with a women ask your self this question...What would James Bond do? Once you work out what he would do , do that. Edited May 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post 1
lilmissjava Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I am going to say that someone else caught her attention. But be assured that offering you the honesty she did is better than being led on and finding out when you are more emotionally invested. If you are just dating, both of you should be keeping your options open anyway. She may be back, she may not. Get back out there, more fish in the proverbial sea. 1
jen1447 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Do Women ever reconsider? Not normally. And even if they do it's not sth that you can affect much, she'll decide it herself. A good rule of thumb on this is that you don't want to be in the 'up for re/consideration' category anyway bc anytime you're reduced to a pros vs. cons equation you're not in a good space to begin with. It's pretty powerless for you, and if she's bargaining on your behalf (which is what that is), you're even less in control of your own fate with her playing some kind of advocate role. (Cue "I'll give you one more chance" type discussions.) A woman doesn't have to be head over heels for you to not be bargaining tho ....if you're solid then the idea of pros and cons and reconsideration will never even enter her head, even if you're not Mr. Amazing. 2
smackie9 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'm going to say her ex started to hoover her back....IMO that is why it took a long time because she was contemplating what to do. 99.9% they go back with the ex. 1
Satu Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Proceed as if it's permanently over. If by some chance she changes her mind, she'll let you know. But don't be waiting for that to happen, because it probably won't. Take care. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 While teenaged girls may do the flip flop thing, a 30 year old woman who has told you she has though things through & no longer wants to date you is unlikely to rethink that & decide she wants to come back. 1
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 I'm going to say her ex started to hoover her back....IMO that is why it took a long time because she was contemplating what to do. 99.9% they go back with the ex. This or there was another guy in the picture (someone she was seeing while seeing you - multi-dating is the thing today). Don't be surprised if she circles back to you... but remember this: if she does then you were not her first option. 2
preraph Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 There's always the chance she might get drunk and sentimental, like people do, and then regret stirring you up again when they wouldn't have done it sober. Mostly, if a woman is honest like that with you, which is difficult for everyone to do because it's hurtful, then she meant it. Even if she does recontact you, remember that women have no issue being "just friends" with guys. But that doesn't mean it would lead to anything. Sorry. If someone is lukewarm, why would you want them? 1
carhill Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Recently was on the end of a very unexpected dumping after a few excellent dates with this woman. We are both aged mid 30s and had a great time over these dates. Mid-30's is well-developed relationship skills-wise so a few excellent dates then poof is IMO a clear message of lack of interest. BTDT, many times. She then went a bit cold over the last week, while away for work, and then sms'd me at the end of the week saying she had been reconsidering her feelings in depth over the week and didn't see things going anywhere. IMO, women don't state that to play hard to get. Additionally, the cold vacuum of texting reinforces the lack of care. That's OK. Generally, it's healthy to not care after a few dates. Care is earned and given over time. I was very surprised as she had come across super interested all the way through, but made sure I left a good impression in saying I was disappointed but respected her decision. Yeah, getting the mixed messages can be surprising, and disconcerting. I learned to accept each as unique. If we had a great date, that was a great date. If she went poof, she went poof. They aren't connected nor need reconciliation. I'd like to take her word for it and based on her busy schedule don't think there was someone else on the scene. But I could be wrong. Her schedule was busy for other guys when she was going on excellent dates with you. Question I am struggling with is if it did take her so long to come to this conclusion, when we'd only been seeing each other for a month or so, was there any chance she really struggled with this decision? IME, no. It's a feeling thing. Humans, generally, are interchangeable. Especially strangers whom one barely knows. And if so, is there any outside chance she may have a change of heart in the coming weeks, even though we only dated for a short time, or is the nail in the coffin as far as she is aware. She knows I'm going away for a few weeks shortly as well. Anything is possible and, if and when it occurs, it occurs. For now, the abyss. I'm certainly not holding out any hope, but this one has me a bit puzzled. And am still pretty gutted that I missed out on this opportunity! She didn't offer the friends option either, which is fine, but we got on so amazingly well, that kind of surprised me too. It's OK to feel gutted since that indicates your asking her on a date mattered to you. Trust me, once that goes, you'll wish you had it back. Again, bring things down to the moment. Good moment, then next, then next, infinitely variable. No 2+2=4. Romantic relationships aren't a math problem. Ladies - would you mind offering your thoughts please? Would be most appreciative. Though some of the above came from female friends back in my 20's, most was learned from men who were successful with women. My biggest failure? Too many eggs in one basket. The successful men played the field and didn't invest prematurely in any one individual or outcome. That doesn't mean they were uncouth or rude but rather like the women they dated, looking at all their options, not instantly focusing on one. 1
Zippy2000 Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Do women reconsider? Yes they do! However I`d ask you not to wait or try to change her mind. You have to let her go and do your own thing. Move forward and if she changes her mind? Too late. You are with someone better. I say yes they do as I had one woman who I new for 6 years. She gave me the friends option and I wanted more. I never pushed her or showed any clingy moves. It took her six years and seeing her date other men made her realise I was a normal man. All the other men she dated were all about drama. Another woman waited 6 months before she came back and changed her mind. I found out via Face Book she was briefly seeing somebody else and came back to be as a 2nd option! LOL Women like men or human beings in general may come back. There may be a feeling of nostalgia. Having something to pursue where it wasnt right in the beginning. Remember to keep busy and date other people. She will eventually fade out of your life. She may come back or she may not. Just keep moving.
Dis Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 She told you she isnt feeling you....why would you hold out hope for someone that doesnt want you??? I would want to be someone's #1 choice that they never wavered from. You deserve someone whos into you 100%. Dont hold out hope that she'll change her mind, that'll just hurt you in the long run and distract you from finding the right one (who wont bail on you). Close that door. Dont settle for being someone's second choice. She probably wont change her mind anyway. There is someone out there for everyone, you are no exception Also...if she does come back...turn her down! 1
Buddhist Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Clearly the dates did not go as well for her as they did for you. Taking a while to decide does not = struggling. It could be as simple as wanting to give you a fair chance by getting to know you a little before categorically saying 'no'. No, there is no chance here. Move on and forget it. 1
Author Bandon1111 Posted May 10, 2016 Author Posted May 10, 2016 Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. Pretty much what I expected to hear, although learned a few new things, so most appreciated. Definitely a case of looking forward rather than back. I deserve better. 2
truth_seeker Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 She told you she isnt feeling you....why would you hold out hope for someone that doesnt want you??? I would want to be someone's #1 choice that they never wavered from. You deserve someone whos into you 100%. Dont hold out hope that she'll change her mind, that'll just hurt you in the long run and distract you from finding the right one (who wont bail on you). Close that door. Dont settle for being someone's second choice. She probably wont change her mind anyway. There is someone out there for everyone, you are no exception Also...if she does come back...turn her down! Good advice. It can be hard when you're super into someone and they're not feeling you back. If you can get passed that hurt feeling, you'll do alright moving forward.
Toodaloo Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Ladies - would you mind offering your thoughts please? Would be most appreciative. You are a nice enough guy and there is nothing "wrong" with you she just didn't see things being long term and wasn't feeling the sparkle or romance. So rather than string you along until she did meet someone with that she figured it best to ease your pain and let you go now rather than later. It really is all there is to it. No one has done anything wrong or bad or any of that. It just isn't to be.
J21 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Nah, I would consider it over. I want someone that wants to be with me and knows that. I don't want someone to have "thought things through, then end it". Somehow later, start reconsidering because _______________ (whatever her rationale is). It's best to move forward. Let's say you got back together and fast forward post honey moon stage when things get tough/or have a tiff. You don't want her having thoughts of "Damnit, I should've trusted my instincts. I knew _____________ (whatever her reasoning was the first time).
Shanex Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 (edited) I'm going to say her ex started to hoover her back....IMO that is why it took a long time because she was contemplating what to do. 99.9% they go back with the ex. That or lost interest to another dude. The replies so far are spot on but theres probably no need for further speculations. She either has some ex back or has caught a bigger Fish. Either way. I dont think she will change her mind so dont hold your breath. Edited May 10, 2016 by Shanex
Bantosm Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Whenever you think about doing anything with a women ask your self this question...What would James Bond do? Once you work out what he would do , do that. You advised a jilted fellow to try and emulate a fictional character who always gets the woman and has a license to kill.
phineas Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 You advised a jilted fellow to try and emulate a fictional character who always gets the woman and has a license to kill. Good point. But Bond rarely kills women and they usually try to kill him first. He'd just go find another woman and forget the current one. OP why the hell do you want a woman who dumped you? She most likely left you for another guy. IF she comes back it's because that guy is done with her. Do you really want a woman back after that? She will just do it again. 1
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