Husband left for another woman

[SaDee]

I am going to be your SIL. I don't see myself getting over him ever. It's very sad. I am trying to get a grip but I have given up on love and marriage. No one can take his place and how we were, what we experienced, .. Any guy I hang out with I am only comparing to him. I hang out with a good friend of mine who is trying to date me and it only see my ex. Could never kiss anyone else. It's hopeless, sad and unfortunate. I guess I was meant to be alone? It happens,

[stillafool]

You need to work on being at peace with yourself and getting over your ex. I don't think you should be dating at this point because it wouldn't be fair to the person you are dating. It's good you are in therapy and how is that going. What does your therapist say?

[gemini6]

I am going to be your SIL. I don't see myself getting over him ever. It's very sad. I am trying to get a grip but I have given up on love and marriage. No one can take his place and how we were, what we experienced, .. Any guy I hang out with I am only comparing to him. I hang out with a good friend of mine who is trying to date me and it only see my ex. Could never kiss anyone else. It's hopeless, sad and unfortunate. I guess I was meant to be alone? It happens,

OMG I want to shake you! Honey honey honey!! Ease up on yourself! ONE: He's a POS liar, cheater, scumbag that left you for something new plain and simple.

TWO: You being in this depression, blaming yourself, does NOT make him sorry he left, it only makes him feel like he was right to leave, I mean look at you! You are still holding on to this A-hole that did nothing but hurt you! Don't you want to show him that he messed up? Show him what a fabulous beautiful, happy go lucky, fun ray of sunshine that you are? Make him SORRY he left someone so fantastic? Make him look at the new girl ( who is probably getting dull by now) and see that he made a HUGE mistake??

 

Instead, you are only showing him how right he was to leave and he's NOT WORTH IT! He shouldn't feel like that, he should feel like a giant dumb ass!! SHOW HIM what a mistake it was by being happy, FUN, FABULOUS and DROP DEAD SEXY! damn it man, I want to hug you and shake you at the same time! You are only hurting yourself at this point, please, stop torturing yourself and please STOP making him feel like he's king **** because he isn't!!

I'm sorry to be harsh, I really am but Honey!! Please stop doing this to yourself - start new, start fresh, start loving YOU - He's not worth a second thought!

[SaDee]

The new girl is ten years younger than me, comes from a well-off family, and shares all his interests. Only "negative" thing I can say about her is she's built like a linebacker. But I guess he's into that now.

 

Gosh it's like I never knew him at all. It's awful and sad. My family treated him like a king.

[OldRover]

SaDee,

 

You have some good advise here on how to continue with your life. Do it and look forward.

 

Get some good counseling, and meds if you have anxiety, stress and/or depression, which isn't that uncommon.

 

Don't look for "reasons", but I'd bet that your inattentiveness to him was a huge issue. So, just let that be a bad memory in the background and learn from it.

 

You don't have to hate him. He may feel like you didn't care enough and thought it was just easier to abandon you that try to fix things. A lot of folks do that, so there's a heads up for everyone in a lasting relationship.... you gotta keep working at it.

 

And, he's not necessarily a scum bag, he simply made a choice, and unfortunately didn't include you. I've been through similar and you DO get over it and go on to have a good life and meet nice people and a new man. Put the ex on the back burner, and go out with friends and have a good time. One step at a time and before long it will be a distant past.

[SaDee]

Sorry you're struggling SaDee, but a lot of these posters are giving you good advice. Its up to you to take it but let me tell you a story....

 

My ex SIL who I really cared for had a similar thing happen to her..long story short but my brothers an ass. He left her for someone and you sound exactly how she sounded.

 

Fast forward today. She still loves him, put him on a pedestal and no doubt she would take him back to this day. She has not moved on, she's stuck in the same spot. Did I mention yet that it's been 12 years?

 

That'll be you if you don't get a grip.

 

The person you love is not who this person is.

 

 

How is your ex SIL doing now? How does she cope after 12 years?

[Tayla]

so long as you keep feeding yourself the concept "that no one can take his place", it shall remain so.

 

When your heart heals...and it will when you are ready...You will say....I am here to take a place in life and love again...for I am worth it.

 

Til then...heal at your pace...take in the advice as you see applicable in this stage of your process... The rest will come to you later.

 

So sorry to hear of your struggles....

[ConfusedCloud]

I think you deserve SO much better than him. Look at it this way - would you have rather found out NOW, or 5, 10, 15 years down the road that he was having an affair? Men like that (ones who are easily taken away from their wives, will have an affair sometime during the marriage, its just a matter of time). So count your blessings that you got away so early on from him.

 

 

This means you won't have to waste your youth on a man who was clearly no good at all. I know these words might not sink in yet because you still love him. I'm dealing with a similar situation but I was not married.

 

 

When people wrote me advice, I would only skim it and the words just seemed to hold no weight to them. I want you to know that you are worth so much more than anything he could possibly put you through.

 

 

Here is a quote I read a few nights ago when I was about to cry over the guy I mentioned, I found this one a website dedicated to women who's husbands left them for another woman. The author says,

 

 

"There is one more thing that you will eventually see in the mirror. You will see that he missed out. Not in a haughty, arrogant way, but you will recognize your own value, and smile back at yourself. You were a precious gift that he let slip through his fingers, in fact, he just tossed you away, ran to another, and moved on. This shatters your heart abruptly into pieces which leave a powdery dust. Forget the glue, this seems to require the sweeper. We can hang on if we just know exactly how long the pain will continue. How long??? Hang in there. The pain does end. Your heart will heal, even the bits and pieces that you thought were beyond repair. In the end, the woman you become is

resilient, and you realize, and appreciate, that he doesn’t get you. He does not get to look into your beautiful eyes, or see you gracefully age, or grow old with a wife who truly loved him. It’s a loss he will never, ever recover from."

[SaDee]

I did waste my youth on him. I was with him from 26-34. Now I'll be 36 in August and I'm still not ready to be with another man or date. Sadly I'm so unattractive now due to so many sleepless nights. I have bags and wrinkles and most of my hair has fallen out. Not exactly a babe anymore.

Before I know it I'll be 40. I don't want to start a family at that age.

I suppose being alone is my destiny. Sad but true.

[LifesontheUp]

Yes, I was together/married for 18yrs and at age of 36 yrs knew nothing else. My xH cheated while I was away looking after my dying father.

 

I thought I wouldn't survive, wouldn't make it on my own but slowly I realised that if I didn't get out there and enjoy life, it would pass me by. I joined up to classes in interests I hadn't done for years, volunteered to help out with different area organisations and I realised that I didn't need him, I was happy and enjoying myself. And then..................I met my husband. We now have to 2 beautiful children together.

 

Life is what you make it, come on you can do it, get out there and become that social butterfly you once were

[gemini6]

I did waste my youth on him. I was with him from 26-34. Now I'll be 36 in August and I'm still not ready to be with another man or date. Sadly I'm so unattractive now due to so many sleepless nights. I have bags and wrinkles and most of my hair has fallen out. Not exactly a babe anymore.

Before I know it I'll be 40. I don't want to start a family at that age.

I suppose being alone is my destiny. Sad but true.

 

Girl please! Lots of women have had babies at 40. You are putting this dirtbag of a man on a pedestal, making him out to be something wonderful when in truth he's just a POS. You are telling us how old ( I'm turning 40 this year and I'm still a babe!) you are, how ugly you feel...so do something about it!! go to the gym, get facials, get your hair done, do your nails, buy some knew clothes...start focusing on you - FAKE IT, fake being happy and beautiful every day until you actually feel happy and beautiful..let the new girl have the POS cheater liar.....HAVE that **** - why? because he's not worth an ounce of your time! SaDee please, don't do this to yourself. You didn't waste your youth, you still have plenty of youthful years ahead of you, you learned a life lesson here - don't let it, or him ruin your future - you are in control, YOU are in control! Take charge of your future. Start TODAY.

[Conclude]

I gotta agree with Gemini. Here's a similar story to how you are feeling SaDee

 

When I first started college again at the age of 26, I had this embarrassment of being in college and being slated to graduate somewhere around 29 years old. I kept beating myself up over being an "old" guy when I graduated and how my career change was setting me back. This was all an inner turmoil with myself, and honestly it was effecting me. That is until my first day of class, when I realized there were people there far older than me getting college degrees. Once I saw them, I immediately dropped that embarrassment and snapped out of it.

 

It's not too late to turn yourself around from your perceived limitations. It never is. I knew a guy in the army, 40 years old raging alcoholic with the body and extra pounds to show for it. One day, he just up and quit, and went on a year and half transformation into body building, and cut out and bulked up exquisitely in that process! Don't underestimate how much exercise at any level can help you out in more ways than one.

[afoolto no end]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry this has happened to you, I know you are looking for the ultimate why did this happen to me, it's because your xh has a problem it's called selfishness, he has shown you who he is, believe him and thank your lucky stars your out and rid of that kind of man....

There are wonderful men out there, they are looking for a wonderful woman like you......give them a chance.........they have to better than your x......

your x is a lying cheat...........

they say after something like this you should date even if you aren't quite sure, people will surprise you, just coffee, a movie nothing serious, but make sure you laugh, have fun......

ask someone out yourself..........

I would say yes to everything others offer to do with you and see where it takes you, even if it's not something you would normally chose.....experience is the key to a good life......

People are interesting and all so different, you can't compare the good and bad because we are all different........there is no good or bad.

volunteer, join a gym, join a walking group. join a rec league of some sort, baseball, volleyball......

Your young get out there do things.......notice things again, see the beauty in the world.......your missing it all and missing living your life and why for a cheater, come on girl........wake up he wasn't worth you in the first place...........

I have been through a lot of losses in my life of all kinds, it has made me who I am today and I like me very much......without the trials I couldn't have learned about me about the world, about everything......it's worth knowing

You made a mistake marrying him, brush yourself off and get living that beautiful life of yours..........

Edited May 7, 2016 by afoolto no end

[sandylee1]

My view is that I wouldn't live the rest of my life sad and pining for him while he enjoys his life. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being miserable and lonely for eternity.

 

Getsmartie has given you lot of good advice.

 

Your husband didn take your marriage vows seriously or he would have discussed how he was feeling and expressed himself....Instead of having an affair.

 

I understand that you're heartbroken right now, but you SHOULD AIM to get over it rather than think of him as the only man on earth for you.

[elaine567]

My view is that I wouldn't live the rest of my life sad and pining for him while he enjoys his life. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being miserable and lonely for eternity.

 

Getsmartie has given you lot of good advice.

 

Your husband didn take your marriage vows seriously or he would have discussed how he was feeling and expressed himself....Instead of having an affair.

 

I understand that you're heartbroken right now, but you SHOULD AIM to get over it rather than think of him as the only man on earth for you.

 

Agreed it is a state of mind and women do sometimes get hung up on the concept of "the one" but do not spend your life pining and living in the past like Miss Havisham.

Go look at the stars, climb a hill, go to the beach, there is a huge world out there, your problems though you are finding it difficult to see past at the moment, are very insignificant in the scheme of things, be determined to not let him define who YOU are.

[bathtub-row]

SaDee, while I can understand your pain, I don't think you're paying attention to what some people are saying to you. Satu has made some excellent points that you're simply not acknowledging. This man DID NOT take you with him. You are whole. You are you. What has actually happened is that you have LET his actions take you to this level, and you simply refuse to see him for who he really is. As long as you see him as the Golden Boy, you're never going to get past this. It's as though you're hung up on this drama and refuse to let it go.

 

What I see in this situation is that you guys were together for a long time, married for a short while, had a few little stresses that shouldn't have been devastating to any marriage with any strength, yet he bolts. Do you not see the problem here? Do you not see that he had numerous choices but he chose the most hurtful path and then blamed you? So this green-eyed God that you're so hung up on is looking like an immature child to me. Someone who has no concern for others except himself.

 

As far as meeting other men, just get that off he table for now. If it happens, then great. And who says you can't start a family in your 40's? Have you put this rule on yourself? People live much longer now days, and they stay younger longer. Some people have kids in their 50's.

 

Maybe your ex actually did you a favor by leaving. I personally wouldn't want someone like him in my life. And I believe that a part of what you're experiencing is a blow to your ego. Whatever the case is, I don't see you getting anywhere close to getting past this situation until you stop idolize this jerk and stop giving all your power to him. It's your choice.

[Love2015]

First let me tell you...I am in your same boat. He left me 8 months ago for a girl who came to our wedding (March 2015).

 

Today, I thank I am out of it. I still love him...part of me always will. I have learned once you love is forever...however, let me tell you...do I want him back? (maybe when idealism kicks in) Otherwise...when I put on my reality goggles....hell not!

 

I wasn't angry until 2 days ago....like truly angry....which was day after divorce. I don't know if I was hopeful or just I held him up to my moral values and idealism of being still loveable to the person I once loved. HE IS GONE. CHANGE IS CONSTANT. This means....the husband I knew back then...is not the guy I know today.

 

I can tell you....YOU choose who you want to be. CHANGE IS CONSTANT ....you are also not the same. Are you the person who has the capacity to love? And that includes loving yourself.....or will you change to be the person sad forever...is that really you? Think how unfair may you be with all those people who truly love you and are there beside you. So what if 1 person didn't love you the way you wanted them to? Something that clicked for me....I have soo much capacity of love...I have my moral values intact....I have loved him so much and he took advantage of it..I gave myself completely ..HIS LOSS!

 

One thing that is helping me too....FORGIVENESS

Forgive him....but most importantly...forgive yourself for knowingly or unknowingly choosing wrong. It's ok...it happens....will u allow one failed life test....not let u go on and be happy? Chances are today he and even my ex hb....DOES NOT THINK ABOUT US....and if they do.....THEY DON'T WANT US BACK....and if they did....THEY WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.....and if you think that he thinks about you....and wants you back and just doesn't know what to do...think.........think.....

 

Ok....Now think. DO YOU TRULY WANT HIM BACK? Not the one from the past....how would it be today? Like you both are now. See...I am not saying people don't reconcile...all I am saying letting go is important for even that. Do you really think ..if he came back..you would start from where you let go? NO! You would FIGHT....unless you let go....and then even if you started again with him...it would be a completely new relationship...and do you want to waste new time with a person you know already cheated on you? ....if yes...then great!But that time is NOT TODAY! THAT MAY OR MAY NEVER BE FUTURE.!

 

Breathe in the present

Yesterday is GONE....TOMORROW may NEVER come.

Have only one mantra: BE HAPPY ALWAYS!

Choose to Smile... Not to cry

Imagine a baby...we love them more when they laugh and giggle...at least I do...don't you? We were all babies before!