On the Verge of a Breakup

[shadowsfall]

I too was abandoned, but you have a mother to lean on, mine died a little over a year ago (we were extremely close too). Dealing with that loss, then the loss of the love of your life, 4 months no contact, all while trying to complete an expedited masters of business all alone on the other side of the world in a foreign country man... it's been the roughest year and half of my life, I know exactly the feeling of being abandoned and having to struggle for yourself, believe me.

 

My sincere condolences for the loss of your mother. It's incredibly admirable that you were able to get through the past year despite the losses you experienced. I can only hope that if life ever hits me that hard that I have the inner strength to carry on.

 

You said you hope she realizes what she lost some day, and I'm telling you the only way that will happen is if you disappear completely in order to gather yourself emotionally and focus on bettering your own life. If she comes back within the next 2-3 months man, don't respond... DO NOT RESPOND.... all shes doing is trying to make sure she's still got you hooked, it will only give you false hope. It's gotta be atleast 6 months for the dust to settle. Luckily you are not in the same state so it will be easier, but really you gotta just spend the next 2 months moping around and being miserable, hate to say it. It's only been the last month for me (since the break up in december), that I've been able to breath and see somewhat through the fog. Just realize this happens to everyone, it will make you stronger, and it's all in your head man. It's all chemical addiction.

 

Advice well taken. The most painful part of this breakup experience has been thinking about how in love we were in the beginning. Now wondering why she is no longer that sweet, innocent, best friend with whom I fell in love and shared so much with. Thinking of how much we leaned and relied on one another. It was just the two of us and she used to be happy with that. Lately I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that she is not the same person she was when I met her. That might be an obvious realization but it is not always easy to accept. It's hard not to give more emotional weight to the early nostalgic stage of the relationship (1st year) than the more dramatic phase (last year).

 

But she has changed in ways that I wasn't entirely fond of. After winning the beauty pageant she seemed to become more obsessed with her appearance. She was already overly concerned, but this was another level of obsession. I wasn't crazy about her emphasis on external development over internal. Especially considering I was recently diagnosed with an incurable skin condition that affects my appearance. So being around someone like that almost reinforced the notion that she may care more about the way I look than the way I act. Unsure if that is true but it certainly wasn't a positive thing to be around.

 

In all honesty I should probably feel good about being out of that situation. I mean, a sexless relationship with an overly religious person who has low emotional maturity and narcissistic qualities. Not to mention the monster-in-law mother who controls her whole life, and who would never accept me based on my lack of faith. I'm sure that there are many things she is glad not to have to deal with about me anymore, so perhaps I should be reinforcing my own set of positive aspects. However at the moment I'm giving more weight to her positive qualities like her beauty, loyalty and determination. She was a state champion runner, has acted on TV, and just won a big beauty pageant. I don't know how anyone I date in the future can compete with her accomplishments AND possess her level of trust and loyalty. Jealousy was never an issue in our relationship (probably because I knew she lacked interest with dating in general). We had solid trust. In my experience that has been a difficult thing to find. I just feel like I'm going to continually compare any future partners to her and will be endlessly dissatisfied with everyone else.

 

I will definitely be concentrating on school and am going to start volunteering at an animal shelter in my spare time. I need to get out of this room/house so I'm not spending too much time alone. I thank you and everyone else who took the time to show me that they care. It means a lot that there are complete strangers out there willing to sacrifice their time to help someone else. I of course welcome any other comments anyone may have as well.

[funnyman7878]

However, after one week of moving out of state, her communication almost completely stopped. She would rarely return my texts, and would never initiate conversations with me over the phone.

 

dump her and find someone who is crazy about you and returns your texts and is excited to call you etc. etc. Prioritize people who view YOU as a priority as well, hope that makes sense. She has clearly indicated that you are not her priority.

 

Me and my GF have issues just like any other couple but she always promptly replies to my texts/emails/voicemail and shows everyday that I am a priority in her life, that is of paramount importance to me. I will not stay in a relationship one more second if someone ignores me.

Edited May 9, 2016 by funnyman7878

[JohnFDoe]

"The most painful part of this breakup experience has been thinking about how in love we were in the beginning."

 

To be honest it's a miracle you lasted 6 years living in LA, consider that a feat in itself hah.

 

"I mean, a sexless relationship with an overly religious person who has low emotional maturity and narcissistic qualities. Not to mention the monster-in-law mother who controls her whole life, and who would never accept me based on my lack of faith."

 

This is EXACTLY what I went through, it's ridiculously frustrating because they hook you so youre willing to stick around, but they control the physical part of the relationship, and you cant really force it so you are stuck waiting while your needs aren't met. I'm not sure if this is because the strict up bringing makes them look at sex as ''dirty'' and immoral, or it's a jedi mind trick they use to make you dump them, as they've already lost attraction, and they can forever say 'see you were only interested in sex' and they can rationalize their bad behavior there on out, making you feel every worse.

 

"at the moment I'm giving more weight to her positive qualities like her beauty"..."just won a big beauty pageant"

 

My girl was 5'4 95lbs, Russian/Italian mix with a tight eastern european body and a cute italian face; as sweet and innocent as it gets, smart, same career path/major... Believe me man, I know this pain, and it's only exacerbated by thinking that some day she will be sharing it with someone else ... The thing is it's all chemicals, try to stop thinking with your d***, if you logically break it down you don't 'need' a girl for anything really. It's just chemicals, you gotta shut up the lizard brain, hah. Stop looking for female validation, focus on your self for a while. Also too, realize women aren't scarce, there are billions and more are coming of age everyday. In fact, the more money you make, the women will stay the same age

 

"I don't know how anyone I date in the future can compete with her"..."I just feel like I'm going to continually compare any future partners to her and will be endlessly dissatisfied with everyone else"

 

I'm 5 months post break up, 4 months no contact, and I still have no appetite to date mainly because of this reason but also I dont want to get hurt again. I don't know if my 'giving up' approach will suit you, but I don't try anymore. I got rid of the tinder/bumble and bar hopping, now I'm just gonna focus on making money, getting healthy and fit as possible, and if the right one finds me attractive I'll have my pick. Either way, you don't need anyone, and when you have that attitude that you come first and you are making yourself whole again, then you truly begin to heal

 

Stay strong mate.

Edited May 9, 2016 by JohnFDoe

[shadowsfall]

To be honest it's a miracle you lasted 6 years living in LA, consider that a feat in itself hah.

 

Lol, true indeed. Horrible traffic, smog, high cost of living, crumbling infrastructure, narcissistic people, etc... I'm crazy for even considering going back into that environment. Damn my irrational heart.

 

I'm not sure if this is because the strict up bringing makes them look at sex as ''dirty'' and immoral, or it's a jedi mind trick they use to make you dump them, as they've already lost attraction, and they can forever say 'see you were only interested in sex' and they can rationalize their bad behavior there on out, making you feel every worse.

 

In the case of my girlfriend, she did indeed feel dirty (and guilty) for engaging in sexual acts. On top of the religious shame, I suspect she had body dysmorphic disorder whereby she always thought she was flawed physically and thus never felt comfortable when unclothed. These obstacles made physical intimacy either non-existent or at best, uncomfortable for her. I spent many nights begging her to compromise with me on having more frequent intercourse. Nothing gets anyone in the mood like begging for sex You make an interesting point about them possibly withholding sex to push us away. There very well might have been some of that in the mix.

 

Believe me man, I know this pain, and it's only exacerbated by thinking that some day she will be sharing it with someone else ... The thing is it's all chemicals, try to stop thinking with your d***, if you logically break it down you don't 'need' a girl for anything really. It's just chemicals, you gotta shut up the lizard brain, hah. Stop looking for female validation, focus on your self for a while. Also too, realize women aren't scarce, there are billions and more are coming of age everyday. In fact, the more money you make, the women will stay the same age

 

Those damn chemicals. It's a hard thing to break. I haven't been entirely successful with NC and have been occasionally checking her FB page, although I'm trying to space it out further and further each time I check it. She still has our relationship status in tact, my family members as friends and all of her interests are centered around TV shows that I got her into. I know it may be futile, but I wonder why she hasn't updated this information.

 

You make an excellent point about not seeking female validation. I need to definitely watch that as I have already signed up for an online dating site and am probably just trying to fill the void. I suppose I'm not too fond of myself and just seek out external validation to fill my lack of internal happiness. I'm already starting to freak out as the dating prospects in this area don't come close to what I had with her. I know this is a sign I'm not ready to date but it's still really concerning in the future. I have a habit of looking at the glass half empty. I now have a skin disorder which will only get worse and more noticeable as I age, I have chronic neck pain (4 years) which prevents my from exercising, and I'm 31 years old with just an associates degree to my name. I'm not exactly a catch. Sure, there are worse situations out there, but for me my reality is painful enough that any other lesser reference points don't really resonate. With all of that said, I understand what you are saying. None of those negatives should really matter as it relates to me attracting someone. I can't define myself by the way others feel about me.

 

I'm 5 months post break up, 4 months no contact, and I still have no appetite to date mainly because of this reason but also I dont want to get hurt again. I don't know if my 'giving up' approach will suit you, but I don't try anymore. I got rid of the tinder/bumble and bar hopping, now I'm just gonna focus on making money, getting healthy and fit as possible, and if the right one finds me attractive I'll have my pick. Either way, you don't need anyone, and when you have that attitude that you come first and you are making yourself whole again, then you truly begin to heal

 

I completely empathize over not having an appetite to date. I get this feeling off and on for the most part but I think the part of me that is seeking out relationships is just trying to fill the void. Not healthy. I should be taking a break from it entirely. And I can't even fathom the idea of ever falling in love again. To me, what I had with my ex was incredibly unique and if that level of trust and friendship can't work out then I honestly have no hope for my future love life. I truly hope to adopt the mindset of putting myself first and having the confidence to know that the only person I need in my life is me. A very hard lesson to learn for someone like me with codependency and attachment issues. I'm working on it in therapy though. Thanks again, John!

[JohnFDoe]

How's things been for you man? Happy Memorial Day.