Should I tell my best friend that I love her (even tho I know she will reject me)?

May 2, 2016

Hi guys,

I (29 m) am in a pretty ****ed up situation in which I fell in love with my best friend (26 f) but have never told her what I feel. She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago and some months later we began to travel and our friendship became better and better. Since we are both single, a lot of people think that we are in a relationship, but this was never a topic between us, although I discovered that I love her about a year ago. Since then I tried to do my very best to make our time together the best it could be. I really think that we could fit as a couple, because she has some "flaws" of which she knows that not many people "like" them, but I do. And we always have great fun together and can talk about serious things as well. She calls me every day and I am one of the very few persons she trusts and I think I am important to her.

The problem is that she hates romantic stuff, physical closeness and overall thinks that relationships only hold her back and that they cut her freedom. And beside of that I already did everything I can think of to show her that I deeply care for her but I never got a positive response which went beyond "friendship".

I really feel bad about this situation since I enjoy spending time with her but it hurts at the same time for obvious reasons. I can't move forward and start dating other girls and I feel kinda depressed for quite a few months already. I know that if I tell her that I love her she would tell me in a nice way that she doesn't feel the same / doesn't want a relationship.

But I also think that I need to end this somehow and I can't think of a different solution than just telling her what I feel and get rejected by her (which is certain), so that I don't need to think about "what if...". I am still afraid that this could hurt our friendship. I think she wouldn't make drama out of that but it could still be awkward and beside of that telling her that I love her and already know the answer is also hard to take.

tl;dr: I love my best friend (26 f) but never told her. I know nearly 100% that she would reject me when I tell her that I love her, but still consider this option to escape from this situation because it keeps making me feel bad.

May 2, 2016

It sounds like she already knows how you feel, so why say it in words? You are going to have to, as you already know, move on. It takes deliberation and self-discipline. Make yourself go do things with friends on a regular basis, or by yourself even. But stop spending as much time with her. If she asks why you're not around as much, tell her simply that you are out socializing because you are looking for a girlfriend. If she offers to go with you, tell her you think that would be highly counterproductive. Good luck.

May 2, 2016

You are afraid that if you tell her then it could hurt your friendship. But isn't it already hurting your friendship if secretly you are in love with her but pretending to be just friends and holding onto all those emotions inside all by yourself?

You are afraid that she'll reject you. But aren't you already implicitly feeling rejected anyway?

IF you do tell her and she rejects you, then you will lose the friendship, but you will also have your answer and will be able to let go of her in time so that you have a healthy chance with someone else.

But if you don't tell her, for how long are you willing to harbor these secret feelings for her and these silent nagging "what if" thoughts?

May 2, 2016

Tell. Shocking and most unexpected things have happened !

May 2, 2016

@preraph I think I need to say it in words because I need and ending point for this since I can't find one myself.

I tried that many times. As an example: We went to Paris last year and I prepared a table in a nice restaurant, bought a small gift for her and tickets for a really expensive musical show with champagne and all the stuff as a surprise. To be honest it was nothing a normal friend would do, it was more like something that you would do when you want to ask her if she wants to marry you. So it must have been kinda obvious what I was trying to tell her and I told myself that I will stop after this weekend if I still get no respond. I mean she is absolutely not the romantic type of girl and probably pretty "blind" in this regard, but at least I made it super easy for her to make a step if she wanted.

Anyways, I was obviously not able to stop.

I also tried to just treat her normally, just like a friend. Not looking too much at her, not compliment her, not making gifts, overall less attention for her. It just made me feel worse and in an extreme way so I couldn't stand this for a single day every time I tried. I rather keep trying than forcing me to stop, because it hurts much more at the moment.

@burnt That is exactly the question... I don't see this come to an end if I don't get this 'no' from her which I certainly will. I don't think that she is going to have a boyfriend soon, but if, it would probably kill me even more if I didn't tell her my feelings before. And I also doubt that I will find another girl soon, because I don't really want to find someone because of this whole situation.

May 3, 2016

Ilusk,

The questions I asked were to essentially to elicit the realization that

you have more to lose by keeping quiet.

So, my suggestion is even if you're 100% sure you'll be rejected, tell her; or if you feel you can express yourself better by writing than speaking in person, then write to her.

You are in too much anguish to keep this going secretly.

Imagine yourself standing in front of a door wondering what's beyond it. Go on, open it; you never know, maybe a new world will open up in front of you. But even if the door shuts on you, even if there's nothing but a brick wall behind the door, then at least you can turn your back onto it peacefully and you can say to yourself that you did try.

There's a line in the song "Youth" by Daughters

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,

'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.

So, Go on.

Tell her.

It's a pity, such a sad pity to fall in love with someone and fail to say it out loud--out of fear.

May 3, 2016

Hello, thank you for your post. I have been married for going on ten years and my wife is my best friend. Though that is not the only reason that our marriage is thriving, it is one reason. Based on what you have written, it seems to me that your friend loves the friendship that she has with you and is afraid that if the two of you transitioned into a dating relationship and it didn't work out, she would lose the friendship, which is a risk that she does not want to take.

The big thing that you will need to do is consider whether potentially losing the friendship is worth it to you and if it is, convincing her to take the risk.

I want to encourage you. I will be praying for you. God Bless You,

Kevin

May 4, 2016

@Eaglescout88 Thanks for the kind words, this is incredibly nice.

I'm afraid in my situation it is a little bit different. I don't think that she has any feelings beyond friendship, so for me it is all about putting an end to this.

May 5, 2016

I feel she is still recovering from her break up and not ready for a relationship yet. Why not give her some time, keep in touch in the meantime and then tell her about your feelings? My husband was my friend of 5 years and for all those years he was nothing but a friend till I suddenly fell for him. I don't want to give you false hopes, but human mind is unpredictable. Love is unpredictable, so make use of it. Tell her but don't rush. Keep us updated, good luck!

May 5, 2016

Ilusk, can you explain why you feel 100 percent confident that your friend has no romantic interest in you?

Because I hope this doesn't all have to do with your own passivity.

Have ever tried to KISS the girl? Have you even overtly flirted with her? Have there been specific instances of you putting forward a clear advance and her turning that down?

Because the way you're writing about it, I'm just picturing this doe-eyed super serious guy quietly waiting around for his friend to realize he's in love, expecting HER to do something about.

For example, the Paris thing... it's great that you went for the grand romantic gesture, but after dinner, did you - like, wrap your arm around her while you guys were walking? Or try to kiss her before parting ways at night? Because that type of dinner, followed by zero attempts at affection, has to be confusing for BOTH parties.

May 5, 2016

As soon as she meets a man she wants, your friendship will go belly up, because it's highly likely her new boyfriend will not like it. That isn't certain, but it is probable. If your friendship did continue, it would be downgraded, with you receiving much less time and attention than you currently do.

Your relationship with her is already more emotionally intimate than the average, so there is a strong connection.

I would tell her how you feel quite plainly.

It might torpedo the friendship, but sooner or later you're both going to find partners, anyway, and the friendship will cease to exist in its current form.

Put your cards on the table.

May 6, 2016

@Standard-Fare This is so incredibly hard to answer, because of the fact that she is so special in terms of romantic stuff. I would have loved to just put an arm around her but I never did, because she HATES that. Really, she doesn't like that at all and it has nothing to do with me but with her problems with physical closeness. She didn't even like to cuddle with her past boyfriends and she doesn't really enjoy kissing and romantic stuff in general. She knows that this is odd, but that's the way she is.

What I want to say is: Even if she had feelings for me, she wouldn't like that, so no, I never did that.

But beside of that I always compliment her, she knows that I often look (stare) at her and I did enough things to show her that I care for her and I think that a lot of this went beyond stuff that a platonic friend would do, just to make it obvious.

At least I made it very easy for her to make a step. I am not waiting for her to tell me that she loves me, but I think I gave her enough possibilities to give me ANY positive feedback for all my effort if she wanted. And because of her hating romantic stuff and physical closeness, I don't know what else I could do beside of simply telling her.

@Satu: That is exactly the same what I was thinking. The problem is that our friendship developed into something that doesn't work that way if one of us has a relationship.

May 6, 2016

She knows. If you stare at her and she has seen you staring at her , then she knows. It's very likely that she too is thinking exactly like you. In such cases, only option is to bring it out verbally. Gestures, body language can only go so far. You caught feelings unawares and probably she too. More time you leave it the way it is , stronger the feelings but because neither of you is putting it out , it may end before it begins.

Chances are if she thinks that she is imagining things then she might want to suppress her feelings.

So go and blurt it out !

May 6, 2016

She doesn't like affection, "romantic stuff," physical closeness. Do you happen to know if she likes SEX? If she has a boyfriend, does she share the bed with him?

Because you're describing a frigid woman. (With any number of reasons for that behavior, whether there's history of abuse, she has some disorder like Asperger's, she's a lesbian in denial. Or she could simply be asexual by nature.)

Let's assume love for her is basically physically platonic. Then it sounds like the two of you already have something resembling that. You're emotionally intimate, you support each other, you're constant companions. What if that's all there is with her?

I can't imagine how would ever cross that bridge into a sexual relationship if she barricades all physical closeness. I promise a verbal revelation of your love isn't going to get you there. And you'll never be able to make a move.

May 6, 2016

If she has some intimacy issues and really truly doesn't like to be touched (by men or women?), you're just spinning your wheels. She may be traumatized or she may be asexual. She also may just be telling YOU that.

I think you should consider the fact that one reason you two have gotten somewhat comfortable with each other is because you're too fearful to make a move, so she feels safe that you won't and can be friends, and that you know she doesn't want to be touched, so that takes the pressure off you to man up and do so. Can't imagine any kind of scenario where if you make a move, this becomes anything other than you two ricocheting off each other and hitting the wall.

May 7, 2016

She got never abused and she is not lesbian or asexual or stuff like that. She had sex with her past boyfriends and I don't think that she has any problem with sex in general. For greetings and goodbyes we hug each other and she has no problem with me touching her when we "fight" a little bit for fun. This is strange, because in those situations she has no problem with physical contact AT ALL, but there is no way she would like to have an arm around her when she is sad, tired or in a "romantic situation" in which I may try to make a step.

I think this has to do with her fear of losing her freedom. That is the main reason she says that she doesn't need/want a relationship and that they only hold her back because she only sees her partner as someone you need to take care of or someone who wants your time etc.

I really thought a lot about this but I am still unsure why she thinks so negatively about relationships, because there is no obvious reason and I think I already know her pretty well. But this is still an enigma for me.

May 7, 2016

There's too much of a fuss in this thread about why the girl doesn't like physical closeness. It's not that she is asexual, lesbian abused or anything, some women are just like that. Some women are not that romantic or girlish and they don't like much caressing, kissing, holding hands either with friends or partners. That's there personalty and I think it has nothing to do with love and sex stuff. This girl seems not to want any relationship at the moment, which is holding OP back.

May 7, 2016

Have you ever thought she may not want a relationship as she is waiting for you to make a move.

Tell her and do it asap.

YOU do not want to watch on the wings while some other man asks her out and you miss your chance.

YOU may not think you have much of a chance but that chance drops to zero when she starts dating other people.

May 7, 2016

She got never abused and she is not lesbian or asexual or stuff like that. She had sex with her past boyfriends and I don't think that she has any problem with sex in general. For greetings and goodbyes we hug each other and she has no problem with me touching her when we "fight" a little bit for fun. This is strange, because in those situations she has no problem with physical contact AT ALL, but there is no way she would like to have an arm around her when she is sad, tired or in a "romantic situation" in which I may try to make a step.

I think this has to do with her fear of losing her freedom. That is the main reason she says that she doesn't need/want a relationship and that they only hold her back because she only sees her partner as someone you need to take care of or someone who wants your time etc.

I really thought a lot about this but I am still unsure why she thinks so negatively about relationships, because there is no obvious reason and I think I already know her pretty well. But this is still an enigma for me.

If she had sex with her last boyfriend (assuming it didn't turn her off sex forever) AND she doesn't mind touching as long as you're fighting, then she simply has drawn the line and doesn't want YOU touching her because she does not reciprocate your feelings. I think you are barking up a tree here and need to move on, but if you need to confront her with your feelings even though I'm certain she's clear on them enough to be holding you at arm's length, then go ahead and get your closure, but then move on.

May 9, 2016

@Ilusk, I'm still confused about why you're so dead certain that she would reject physical advances from you. It sounds like maybe you've tried in the past and failed?

If she's given you CLEAR signals to not go there with her, yet she's had no issue being affectionate and sexual with other men, then I'd say you're correct that you have no chance here.

But, again, I'm hoping it's not a case where you've been too chicken-sh*t to make a move and tried to justify that with a self-pitying explanation of: "I bet she doesn't want this from me." That attitude would be a self-fulfilling prophecy of your own defeat, and, by the way, would make you markedly less attractive in her eyes.

May 10, 2016

i have been in a similar situation years ago .... i once had a best friend and he fell in love with me ! We have shared so much together cried , laughed and did what best friends do . When he opened up to me and told me that he had deeper feelings for me , i felt somehow betrayed still till this day i can not really say what it made me feel like . i stopped all contact with him and it was tears on both sides but he was just my best friend ... i suffer still the loss of him but i couldnt imagine being with him romantically . A few years later he once wrote me a letter that he married and his wife was jealous of me because he mentioned my name to her a bit too much and that he never got over the rejection ... you could open up to her and risk your friendship but maybe who knows ... sometimes the feelings are mutual ... it's a tough situation , i know ... best of luck to you

May 10, 2016

I am certain because why would she like me to put an arm around her when she doesn't like physical closeness at all? Even with her past boyfriends (again: this doesn't mean she didn't have sex with them, she just doesn't like to hold hands or cuddle). Of course we talked about that a couple of times, because if you hang around with her and get to know her better, sooner or later you will notice her "problem" with physical closeness and she has no problem talking about that, because it seems not to be a big deal for her.

I am not a psychologist and I don't know why she doesn't like that, and since she has no problem talking about that and it is not an emotionally uncomfortable topic for her, I can't imagine of anything bad happened to her in the past. And I think she would have told me.

But beside of that: I think I already showed her more than once that my feelings go beyond friendship. I don't know how many times I need to show her or how I could be more obvious without touching her (which she just doesn't like and what I fully respect).

May 10, 2016

I am certain because why would she like me to put an arm around her when she doesn't like physical closeness at all? Even with her past boyfriends (again: this doesn't mean she didn't have sex with them, she just doesn't like to hold hands or cuddle). Of course we talked about that a couple of times, because if you hang around with her and get to know her better, sooner or later you will notice her "problem" with physical closeness and she has no problem talking about that, because it seems not to be a big deal for her.

I am not a psychologist and I don't know why she doesn't like that, and since she has no problem talking about that and it is not an emotionally uncomfortable topic for her, I can't imagine of anything bad happened to her in the past. And I think she would have told me.

But beside of that: I think I already showed her more than once that my feelings go beyond friendship. I don't know how many times I need to show her or how I could be more obvious without touching her (which she just doesn't like and what I fully respect).

Okay, but her past boyfriends had to bridge this gap with her, and they didn't start straight out the gate with intercourse. If she's had sexual relationships, she's accepted some forms of preliminary affection leading up to sex - caressing, stroking...then kissing... etc.

And if you truly can't imagine yourself taking those kinds of leaps with her, then, yes, a romantic relationship is out of the question.

It's just very hard to pin down what your ideal scenario would be here, or the type of things you fantasize about with this woman. It almost seems like you're wanting her to give you a VERBAL reciprocation for your (non-sexual) attempts to convey your love. But then what?? Where do your wishes go beyond that, if physical intimacy of any sort is unfathomable here?

I'm asking these questions because your own notions of love with this woman almost seem platonic as well... in which case, the two of you already seem to have that, basically... so where do you go from here?

May 10, 2016

I think it's possible she is just telling you she doesn't like to be touched to keep you from touching her.

May 10, 2016

I think it's possible she is just telling you she doesn't like to be touched to keep you from touching her.

True.

Then again, I'm F and have some male friends I prefer to remain platonic. They wouldn't say of me, "She hates physical closeness, she will never be hugged, etc." What they WOULD feel is "she puts up a wall with me that lets me know I can't make a move."

OP is saying both the former and the latter with this lady.

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Should I tell my best friend that I love her (even tho I know she will reject me)?

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