My ex wanted me for 15 months, now its me

[Dell Monitor]

I agree that your commitment issues sound like they are going to keep popping up. See bolded above. That's the first sign, if you read between the lines. I think you say something similar in another post on this thread.

 

I don't really have any advice. Well I would probably try after a bit when you really have some changes to show for yourself. (as unfair or fair as it is). BTW, you are completely at groveling or put it all on the line stage so you need to be a bit of a puppy. That line itself tells me you are going to hold back again at some point in the near future. If there ever was a time to be vulnerable with her, it's now. But you have to mean it and back it up, no more false promises. That's why I think you should wait until you really have it together. In the time frame you are talking about right now, it's just your emotions of losing something, not necessarily being ready to be with her. Good luck

 

Thanks and yes, she litterally wrote me two weeks ago, that she was very happy, I wanted to change, but wasnt sure, I meant it seriously and that she has been hurt so many times. Even if I come to the conclusion, that Im 100% sure, it will be hard to say someting short, that will convince her (I have to do it in person) and after that its up her to to contact me, I can never contact her, that I know for sure.

[mikeylo]

What makes you believe that she is the one for you ? What does she bring out in you that others didn't ?

 

It could be a single , seemingly very unimportant thing but makes a big difference to someone to whom they matter ! Think it over. You could surprise yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Aight, I hear you, but there is a big possibility, that she left me cause of she didnt feel she could thrust me and she now got rebound, that is safe, secucre and treat her good. She even slept and dated me, while she was with him in the beginning, telling me to come with her, then she would skip him.

 

So yes, youre absolutely right, but she might very well asked me to not contact her, because she wants the feelings to go away for a man, who dissapointed her several times and hasnt committed yet.

 

Or else she did it because, she is 100% done with me.

 

If its the first, wouldnt be sad, if I didnt go for the chance? And the problem of pushing her further away, I dont see it. I have nothing to lose, I dont have her, so whats the problem with pushing her further away (if thats involver a chance to get her back)?

 

I would of course only do it, if I want her and know that I want to be with her permantly.

 

Its not to offend you, Im just trying to think all the possibilities through.

 

This means she's already chosen him over you. It's not a rebound.

She had both of you and decided she liked him more, saw more potential there.

 

She didn't ask you not to contact her to make her feelings go away. That's not how we women work. We ask men not to contact us when we're trying to build a relationship with someone else and we don't want the ex meddling and screwing it up.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but it's true. I speak from experience of having dated a guy like you. He suddenly was "ready" after I'd already met a new man. It was too late.

[Keats]

Honestly your commitment issues caused her a lot of emotional abuse.

 

Don't add cheating to your list. Or degrade her further and add cheating to her list.

 

Although from what you've said so far, it's pretty clear she has finished with you. She was tough enough to say no to you only once and has stuck to it. She has her man. And its not you. You've been tough enough to say the word no many times, but have never stuck to it.

 

Make a boundary and learn to stay behind it and leave her alone.

 

Don't overstep that boundary into cheating. You already have other issues to deal with. You don't need to climb into another pit hole of abuse.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Keats

[preraph]

I'm glad you're starting to work on your issues with a shrink. That's good.

 

As for the way you are now wanting to chase her, it's because that's the only part you're good at and feel safe at, the chase and conquer. But once it starts getting too real, you pull away. So her having a boyfriend has refreshed your feelings, but I hate to bring it down to basics - it's still just about you don't want her for keeps but you don't want anyone else to have her. That's very common. Most of my bfs were like that after they threw the relationship away and still are 30 years later.

 

Just keep working on yourself. See if you can get past it. If I was a woman, I wouldn't want to feel like someone only half-wanted me. Because from what I understand, real love is about it being very important to you to make the loved one feel safe, protected, and happy. It's not about being on an emotional see-saw. Good luck with all this. Hope you work it out for the best.

[Dell Monitor]

This means she's already chosen him over you. It's not a rebound.

She had both of you and decided she liked him more, saw more potential there.

 

She didn't ask you not to contact her to make her feelings go away. That's not how we women work. We ask men not to contact us when we're trying to build a relationship with someone else and we don't want the ex meddling and screwing it up.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but it's true. I speak from experience of having dated a guy like you. He suddenly was "ready" after I'd already met a new man. It was too late.

 

It may very well be the case, then I just have nothing and thats what I got now. Another case could be, that not all women are like you, so there is actually a chance. And if chance exist, I would be stupid not to go for it (as long as I dont hurt someone).

 

But for now, I need to think and treat myself good

[Dell Monitor]

What makes you believe that she is the one for you ? What does she bring out in you that others didn't ?

 

It could be a single , seemingly very unimportant thing but makes a big difference to someone to whom they matter ! Think it over. You could surprise yourself.

 

Right now Im 100% sure, but I know it could be my brain tricking me in this situation. So yes, I need to focus and think over the next days/weeks. Good point.

[Dell Monitor]

I'm glad you're starting to work on your issues with a shrink. That's good.

 

As for the way you are now wanting to chase her, it's because that's the only part you're good at and feel safe at, the chase and conquer. But once it starts getting too real, you pull away. So her having a boyfriend has refreshed your feelings, but I hate to bring it down to basics - it's still just about you don't want her for keeps but you don't want anyone else to have her. That's very common. Most of my bfs were like that after they threw the relationship away and still are 30 years later.

 

Just keep working on yourself. See if you can get past it. If I was a woman, I wouldn't want to feel like someone only half-wanted me. Because from what I understand, real love is about it being very important to you to make the loved one feel safe, protected, and happy. It's not about being on an emotional see-saw. Good luck with all this. Hope you work it out for the best.

 

I dont neccesarily disagree with you. And if thats the case, I should stay a long way from her. Im splitter at the moment.

[ExpatInItaly]

It may very well be the case, then I just have nothing and thats what I got now. Another case could be, that not all women are like you, so there is actually a chance. And if chance exist, I would be stupid not to go for it (as long as I dont hurt someone).

 

But for now, I need to think and treat myself good

 

I am not referring only to myself, OP.

 

Anyway, you seem insistent on trying. So good ahead. Let us know how it turns out.

[Dell Monitor]

I am not referring only to myself, OP.

 

Anyway, you seem insistent on trying. So good ahead. Let us know how it turns out.

 

Aight, but I talked to female friends, who one said like you and two said go for it, you got all chances and of course her feelings are not gone in two weeks.

 

But as I said, I need to think it through in next couple of weeks. What do I want in life and with/out her.

[mikeylo]

If she had strong feelings for you , then yes , they will not magically go away fast enough. On the contrary , if she is trying to force herself to get over you , it's gonna become stronger ( that works in your favor but don't misuse this info ). What you don't want is for her to reach indifference. Opposite of love is not hate , it's indifference. So, make your time frame accordingly.

 

Committed relationship will take away a lot of benefits you have has a single guy but so much worth it ' if ' it's worth to you.

[Dell Monitor]

If she had strong feelings for you , then yes , they will not magically go away fast enough. On the contrary , if she is trying to force herself to get over you , it's gonna become stronger ( that works in your favor but don't misuse this info ). What you don't want is for her to reach indifference. Opposite of love is not hate , it's indifference. So, make your time frame accordingly.

 

Committed relationship will take away a lot of benefits you have has a single guy but so much worth it ' if ' it's worth to you.

 

So you sont think, I should wait too long? Maybe two weeks is appropiate. Would you just show up, telling her, what I feel/want shortly without excusing or promising, then say goodbye and leave?

[mikeylo]

So you sont think, I should wait too long? Maybe two weeks is appropiate. Would you just show up, telling her, what I feel/want shortly without excusing or promising, then say goodbye and leave?

 

Thats for you to decide and depends on where she is with her feelings for you !

I could give you ideas in private but wont here in open , as backlash from members would be too much ,lol !

 

What is it that you dont want to promise? Of course you have to make promises in commitment and keep them ! You will have to be upfront, honest and the dreaded vulnerable with your feelings when you tell her. Own up your

feelings dude!

[Dell Monitor]

Thats for you to decide and depends on where she is with her feelings for you !

I could give you ideas in private but wont here in open , as backlash from members would be too much ,lol !

 

What is it that you dont want to promise? Of course you have to make promises in commitment and keep them ! You will have to be upfront, honest and the dreaded vulnerable with your feelings when you tell her. Own up your

feelings dude!

 

Hey Mike, thanks!

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mikeylo]

Anyway, everything is fair in love and war ! Again, what is it that you dont want to promise?

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dell Monitor]

You've got to be an older member on the site to PM !

 

Anyway, everything is fair in love and war ! Again, what is it that you dont want to promise?

 

I feel like, it would be bad to stand and excuse and promise things, when I already did in the texts? Wouldnt it just be sad and begging, instead of just, with confidence, tell her how lovely she is and what I want?

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mikeylo]

Own up your feelings for her. Tell her that you want her. Apologize for your behavior. I agree, dont say anything that you have texted her already! She has heard that before. This time it needs to be different and most importantly, honest, heart felt, genuine and 100% sure !

 

If her feelings are still on the surface, she will respond but if you back off again ? That could stop her from coming full on. Its at that point you need to handle delicately and tactfully.

 

But again, be 100% sure before you go after her again otherwise you might lose her forever.

[Dell Monitor]

Own up your feelings for her. Tell her that you want her. Apologize for your behavior. I agree, dont say anything that you have texted her already! She has heard that before. This time it needs to be different and most importantly, honest, heart felt, genuine and 100% sure !

 

If her feelings are still on the surface, she will respond but if you back off again ? That could stop her from coming full on. Its at that point you need to handle delicately and tactfully.

 

But again, be 100% sure before you go after her again otherwise you might lose her forever.

 

What you mean with "if you back off again"? Is that the day, when I stand there.

I dont think its likely she will react, when Im there, but more like getting her to think?

 

But yeah really need to think this through.

[mikeylo]

I mean , since you never committed to her , she might think that you will back off from your stance again or she might see your seriousness. Yeah, you need to frame it out in a way that reflects sincerity in comittment from you to her. Not as hard as it sounds if you really mean it.

 

Many girls would react,lol but if your girl isnt one of those, consider lucky and go ahead.

 

Its just the initial hiccup !

[Dell Monitor]

I mean , since you never committed to her , she might think that you will back off from your stance again or she might see your seriousness. Yeah, you need to frame it out in a way that reflects sincerity in comittment from you to her. Not as hard as it sounds if you really mean it.

 

Many girls would react,lol but if your girl isnt one of those, consider lucky and go ahead.

 

Its just the initial hiccup !

 

React in an awful way?

 

I could definately be natural and really only say things I mean, but Im not 100% sure, what to do.

 

Do you know, when I got PM enabled?

[Dell Monitor]

I mean , since you never committed to her , she might think that you will back off from your stance again or she might see your seriousness. Yeah, you need to frame it out in a way that reflects sincerity in comittment from you to her. Not as hard as it sounds if you really mean it.

 

Many girls would react,lol but if your girl isnt one of those, consider lucky and go ahead.

 

Its just the initial hiccup !

 

And I will update in the upcoming days.

[deadparrot]

Obviously, you're hellbent on doing this, but can I just say that you coming back only after she's attached is just going to confirm to her that you're suffering from "I want what I can't have" syndrome?

 

Maybe this is a sore spot for me because an ex has been taking steps to reach out to me recently. This was someone I pined over for 2 years until I met my current boyfriend, who is emotionally supportive in a way my ex never was and could never be. Having the ex reach out now only highlights how much healthier my relationship with my current boyfriend is. Basically, his getting in touch isn't making me pine for him; it's just cementing how pathetic and spineless I acted in taking him back before.

 

This isn't the movies. She has explicitly asked you not to contact her, and I would beg that you respect that.

[Dell Monitor]

Obviously, you're hellbent on doing this, but can I just say that you coming back only after she's attached is just going to confirm to her that you're suffering from "I want what I can't have" syndrome?

 

Maybe this is a sore spot for me because an ex has been taking steps to reach out to me recently. This was someone I pined over for 2 years until I met my current boyfriend, who is emotionally supportive in a way my ex never was and could never be. Having the ex reach out now only highlights how much healthier my relationship with my current boyfriend is. Basically, his getting in touch isn't making me pine for him; it's just cementing how pathetic and spineless I acted in taking him back before.

 

This isn't the movies. She has explicitly asked you not to contact her, and I would beg that you respect that.

 

Ok, why would you beg me to do that? The way I see it, is that I have nothing to lose. She was asking me to go allin like 1 month ago, when she was with him, what makes you think, she is dead serious with him and I cant do a thing about it?

 

I would obviously be a huge ****, if I did it and didnt mean it 100%, thats why I need to think in a couple of weeks.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Dell Monitor

[Dell Monitor]

Obviously, you're hellbent on doing this, but can I just say that you coming back only after she's attached is just going to confirm to her that you're suffering from "I want what I can't have" syndrome?

 

Maybe this is a sore spot for me because an ex has been taking steps to reach out to me recently. This was someone I pined over for 2 years until I met my current boyfriend, who is emotionally supportive in a way my ex never was and could never be. Having the ex reach out now only highlights how much healthier my relationship with my current boyfriend is. Basically, his getting in touch isn't making me pine for him; it's just cementing how pathetic and spineless I acted in taking him back before.

 

This isn't the movies. She has explicitly asked you not to contact her, and I would beg that you respect that.

 

Or do you mean, that it would be cruel to not let her get along with her life and instead maybe end up with me, who you think will be rude to her (again)? If thats the case, I understand you.

 

But I can calm you down, if I do it I will commit and not be my former self.

[deadparrot]

I think you're showing a fundamental disrespect for her by contacting her while she is in a committed, monogamous relationship when she has explicitly asked you not to contact her. You had no problem ending the relationship when you weren't feeling it, and you were within your rights to do so, but now that you're second guessing yourself, you have no problem disregarding her wishes and trying to insert yourself back into her life when she in no uncertain terms told you not to. It all seems very selfish...you want to do everything on your timetable, and you seem to have no regard for the fact that she does not want it.

 

Part of being an adult is realizing you don't always get what you want and choosing to make the choice that is mature and healthy (if painful) rather than the path of immediate gratification. You're going to have regrets in life...that doesn't mean you should turn a lot of people's lives upside down in an attempt to try and undo them.

 

She's already given you her answer. She chose the other guy. Continuing to reach out is going to cross the line from annoying to creepy very soon. If she rejects you a second time, will you finally let it go? Where does it end?

 

Maybe she'll break up with this guy down the road, and maybe she'll give you a second chance, but reaching out to her now, going against her clearly-stated wishes just because it makes you feel better, is disrespectful.