charizard1 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 What have your experiences been like? Ever hit a stage where emotions are progressing at different rates between you? Or ever go through a stage of questioning/shock as things get more settled? Basically I'm dating a totally wonderful guy. (F:24, M:27). There is so much adventure in store for us. He is reliable, supportive, thoughtful, cute, fun, and the sex is great. We both like similar outdoor activities. All the harbingers of a successful relationship. Except that in the past week I have entered into this phase of panic/confusion that I cannot understand!! I addressed this head on with him because we are really good at communicating. One of his suggestions it that maybe lately we've fallen into routines of just shallower discussions/sex/sleeping rather than deeper discussions/relationship building activities. Could this be it? I have always felt like he's further along emotionally than me, even though I'm on the right path. Could this be playing a role? He's also willing to be patient with me even if I'm going through a period of strange feelings. My previous dating experience is one love-filled 1.5 year relationship a while ago, and one shaky 3-month relationship two years ago. So, any other suggestions for things that might help explain my weird phase, or help snap me out of it? I'm very confident in this relationship's potential. I really like him. I don't know why I've psyched myself out so much! It feels as though I'm creating this panicked/questioning state in myself, and that the panic/questioning is blocking out my emotion!
ExpatInItaly Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 How much time are you spending together? (ie how many days a week, and for how long? on average) I have found that I felt that way once or twice, when the guy and I spent too much time together too soon. 1
Author charizard1 Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 hmm. We hang out maybe 2-3 times per week. Maybe 2 weeknights (short hangouts lately, where we more or less chat for a bit and go to sleep), and then a longer weekend hangout from maybe saturday night thru late afternoon sunday.
scooby-philly Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Hey OP, I think most couples experience a similar thing somewhere between 3-6 months - depending on the "level of burn" in the relationship, the compatibility, and other factors. The previous poster asked a great question - about "time together". As things "settle down" a bit it's easy to start to see things in a new light as you start getting a fuller picture of what the person is like. Some people spend a lot of time together, some very little, a lot of people are somewhere in between - so from that angle if you're both comfortable with the amount of time together then that's not the issue to be addressed. From what you shared I have to ask - can you clarify what you think the real cause of your panic is? I mean, you said things are developing at a different pace between you two - does that mean one of you has obviously stronger feelings for the other? But you didn't come back to explain that point. Or is it, as it appears, that you are (as you noted) questioning yourself. Look - it's okay to see people in a new light as things progress. That's common sense/experience coming through and reminding us that the passionate early stages can be an every day/meeting experience. But it sounds like maybe you're afraid at this point - perhaps based on your own experiences. If you have great communication I'd keep communicating. I will tell you that open, honest, and consistent communication - along with that "support" is what makes good relationships last. Yes, I know plenty of couples that seemingly aren't good fits and don't communicate last - but that's by choice of fear of the unknown. Not being pessimistic here - just saying if you have such great feelings about the guy and the relationship - just keep talking. Maybe....don't dump it all on him - I mean don't lie/hide/or shut down - but don't bombard him as a first line of defense all the time. Yes - talk to trusted family & friends - but perhaps find something where you can think out your feelings - yoga, a hot bath, exercise, a walk, meditation - something where you can calm yourself down and help identify where any fears are coming from. Keep us posted - hope all works out! 1
Author charizard1 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 Thanks! To explain the panic- I think I was starting to panic that my emotion/desire towards him might be fading. But that felt so wrong/not the whole story because I simultaneously see so much potential in us. His theory about us starting to spend our time engaged in just shallower conversation/sex rather than deeper conversations/time adventuring together might play a role. At some stage of emotional proximity, shallow conversation, sex, and sleep can maybe be enough a lot of the time. Maybe he has reached this level of comfort with me, whereas I'm still in the stage of figuring him/us out. Does this make sense as a theory? It would explain why I would be affected by our slip into more casual routine (not quite ready for it, has effect of dulling emotion) whereas he would be ready for it (indicates reaching a new state of comfort in relationship). In any case, talking things out with him has yielded positive effects so far. I don't think I would totally snap out of my questioning, emotionally dulled state of mind from one day to the next, but I hope that refocusing on activities and relationship building conversations together might snap me out of this mindset eventually. The truth is- I do not know for sure why I am feeling this panic/doubt. Above is my best theory after speaking with him.
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 In any case, talking things out with him has yielded positive effects so far. I don't think I would totally snap out of my questioning, emotionally dulled state of mind from one day to the next, but I hope that refocusing on activities and relationship building conversations together might snap me out of this mindset eventually. The truth is- I do not know for sure why I am feeling this panic/doubt. Above is my best theory after speaking with him. It's not normal that at 4 months dating you have to put in efforts, refocus, and aim at relationship building activities and conversations, you're talking like you've been married 20 years. At 4 months you're still in the honeymoon phase and everything should be effortless. The 3-4 month mark dating is an important milestone. It's the 'make it or break it' phase. It usually takes that long to discover if all that chemistry and attraction was for real or it was just smoke. If your feelings are fading then break up instead of misleading him any longer in this relationship. You are trying to force a feeling that isn't there any longer. This is good when you've been together years, it doesn't belong in a 4 month relationship. 2
Author charizard1 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 break up? first time on this forum but that seems like a really extreme reading of the situation to me. I am still feeling a lot towards him and am still excited about him. I am much more inclined to believe this could be a case of him being further along on the emotional path and me panicking a little in response. Or something about how we are structuring our time together. Maybe it is impossible to figure out exactly why though. I guess that time and ongoing communication will tell. A weekend of more activity-based hanging already seems to have made me more calm and optimistic . Would welcome more stories from people who have experienced similar things. Thanks! ) 1
Larryville Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 To explain the panic- I think I was starting to panic that my emotion/desire towards him might be fading. I agree with G If your feelings are fading then break up instead of misleading him any longer in this relationship. You are trying to force a feeling that isn't there any longer. This is good when you've been together years, it doesn't belong in a 4 month relationship. Basically I'm dating a totally wonderful guy. (F:24, M:27). There is so much adventure in store for us. He is reliable, supportive, thoughtful, cute, fun, and the sex is great. We both like similar outdoor activities. All the harbingers of a successful relationship. Except that in the past week I have entered into this phase of panic/confusion that I cannot understand!! I addressed this head on with him because we are really good at communicating. But yet you are panicked enough to post a thread here… Is it just you being “panicked” because of the perceived “fading” or is there something deeper? Basically I'm dating a totally wonderful guy… ALWAYS something deeper when I see this at the beginning of a thread… 1
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 break up? first time on this forum but that seems like a really extreme reading of the situation to me. I am still feeling a lot towards him and am still excited about him. I am much more inclined to believe this could be a case of him being further along on the emotional path and me panicking a little in response. Or something about how we are structuring our time together. Maybe it is impossible to figure out exactly why though. I guess that time and ongoing communication will tell. A weekend of more activity-based hanging already seems to have made me more calm and optimistic . Would welcome more stories from people who have experienced similar things. Thanks! ) You're not feeling it. You are confused because he's a good guy and you don't want to hurt him, you know your feelings aren't where his are, and truth is they probably never will be. That's the misleading part. I have always felt like he's further along emotionally than me, even though I'm on the right path. Could this be playing a role? When we're dating someone that loves us more than we 'like' them we feel confused and suffocated. Yes that is exactly what is happening here. He probably did or said something a week ago that made you feel uneven with him. Something that underlined how much he loves you much more than you 'like' him. In my book, something else could be in yours, but in my book if after 3 months him and I aren't feeling the same toward each other then it's time to let that person go. If you don't feel the way he feels after 4 months chances are you will never. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 (edited) I think you've stated a lot of positives and given that you're only 4 months in and have only felt this way for a week, I think it's too soon to throw in the towel. Here are my thoughts: -Men's feelings often move faster than women's. You may just need more time to catch up. I think this is a better scenario than the reverse. -Getting together and just having sex and going to sleep can definitely make a new relationship feel old and boring. Shake things up and connect on a deeper level. The relationship needs constant progression. -We are moody creatures. Maybe you are having an off week. Maybe you have PMS. It's too soon to tell until it is a pattern or if it continues even after you've made changes. -Something is missing. Maybe something is missing that is actually a good thing to not have, but it doesn't feel like the love you're used to. For example, he is stable and you're used to drama in your relationships. -Relationships ebb and flow and it's absolutely nothing, but you're overthinking it because he is more into you than you are into him at this stage. Edited May 2, 2016 by Cinnamonstix 2
Author charizard1 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 I think you've stated a lot of positives and given that you're only 4 months in and have only felt this way for a week, I think it's too soon to throw in the towel. Here are my thoughts: -Men's feelings often move faster than women's. You may just need more time to catch up. I think this is a better scenario than the reverse. -Getting together and just having sex and going to sleep can definitely make a new relationship feel old and boring. Shake things up and connect on a deeper level. The relationship needs constant progression. -We are moody creatures. Maybe you are having an off week. Maybe you have PMS. It's too soon to tell until it is a pattern or if it continues even after you've made changes. -Something is missing. Maybe something is missing that is actually a good thing to not have, but it doesn't feel like the love you're used to. For example, he is stable and you're used to drama in your relationships. -Relationships ebb and flow and it's absolutely nothing, but you're overthinking it because he is more into you than you are into him at this stage. Ooo you bring up a number of interesting points. It is most certainly true that just about /all/ of my previous dating experiences - both my relationships and relationship attempts- have been filled with extreme drama. Often guys with difficult family situations, and just about always guys that I have to chase. This is by far the most calm and stable situation I've been in. I'll keep in mind some of your other points too. Especially with regard to men's feelings progressing faster sometimes. That actually happened in my other long term relationship too (he fell harder for me at first), but the difference is that in my previous relationship we spent a summer apart at the 3-month stage. Anyway, Thanks.
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