Heartbroken

[Mrs. John Adams]

How long does it take? Honestly, I don't know.

 

...any seriously wounding betrayal or deception leads to a grief that does not yield to griefwork, no matter how long we engage in it.

 

Our more exacting, elusive, and subtle practice is to grow beyond the betrayal. We do this when a breakdown in trust is seen as a call to evolve beyond blindly trusting the promises humans make and beyond hating those who break them." David Richo, Daring to Trust.

 

Infidelity doesn't just hurt you at the ego level. It challenges every belief you ever had about love and trust. I think in the end you have to develop new beliefs and new definitions.

 

Most experts say it takes 1 to 5 years, but I don't think we're ever the same afterwards. I mean, how can you go back to thinking that you really know your spouse when it's been proved so utterly that he was capable of deceit and behavior you never imagined possible? And if you didn't know him, how can you really know anybody?

 

This going back and forth (one day thinking to reconcile, the next day wanting to divorce), goes on and on and on. Shock and inertia can make your choices for you if you let them. You say he doesn't "deserve" to come home. That's true. What he "deserves" is a big, fat divorce, with years to come of child support and alimony payments to remind him that he's a low-life, cheating jerk who ruined his family life.

 

But is that what's going to make YOU the happiest? What do YOU deserve? That's the question.

 

Your definitions of love and trust are going to change no matter which choice you make. This is toothpaste that can't be squeezed back into the tube. You've been awakened to a new reality, one where love is not unconditional and trust is not given blindly. That's the new world.

 

We grieve for what is lost, but it's a mistake to make our choices based on trying to recapture our innocent belief system.

 

this is an amazing insightful post. Thank you ladyjane.

[Mr Blunt]

QUESTIONS By Kamella

Can i give him a second chance?

Or will my heart be broken forever?

Would i be stupid to take him back?

Please tell me it gets better...how long does it take?

 

Those are some of the same questions I asked and I suppose many others have asked the same questions. I am going to give you my answers to those questions based on the limited information that you have provided so far.

Can I give him a second chance?

Would I be stupid to take him back?

 

You can give him a second chance. You would not be stupid to take him back but you must be wise and take some actions. The first is to take him up on his offered to “…sign a contract stating that if he ever cheated again that he would walk away with nothing” That action by him is a very strong action that tells you that he is dead serious about reconciliation. There are other actions that have been suggested to you that have come from this thread and by people that have a successful reconciliation for years. Their information is valuable and helpful.

 

In addition he has taken some actions that add to his seriousness of R. Those two are

“My husband went to an STI clinic and was tested for everything. “

“…he changed jobs so there is no contact there.”

Also, you have a lot to save in that your father and mother-in- law love you and the children and you said:

 

 

I still do love him.

I know he loves me and our babies and he hates himself for what he has done and I want my family back.

The above are some very strong indicators that you and your husband have the bases in which to R.

No one can give you a guarantee that he will never cheat again but at this point the situation has a lot of reason to give it a try to save the marriage and to have the children’s father with them. I see more reason that the marriage can be saved rather than no hope.

 

 

You already have professional therapy but I would advise that you add to that any and all other helps that you can get from friends and family that you know have your best interest at heart. Of special help will be those that have successfully improved their marriage for many years. If you are a person of faith then that can be of great help also.

 

Please tell me it gets better...how long does it take?

I can tell you that in my case it got a LOT better. My wife did some of the things that your husband did and I gave her another chance. We are over 25 years into our R and we have a very good life. It does take years to recover almost all of the damage and you can also gain in certain areas than you had before the betrayal. Do not get discouraged because you can get better every month or two on your way to a very good recovery.

 

You said that your husband does not deserve to be in your home and you are right. However, if you are going to pursue R then you have to realize that he can never deserve to be in your home or in your heart but you will have to decide to give him the gift of grace. Marriage and life are not fair so you will have to learn how to adjust your attitudes and actions so that it is the best for you and your children. What I am saying is if you are going to R then what he deserves and what are fair cannot be the criteria. His can never make up to you or make the betrayal justified but you both can win just like others on this forum have done.

 

Although you are in great pain you can use that pain to propel you to gain a lot in many other areas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

Im just so heartbroken. Completely and utterly devastated.

My husband and I have been together 9 years and married for 5 years. We have 2 beautiful little girls aged 2 and 4.

 

How old are the two of you?

[kamella]

We are in our early 30's

 

Thank you Mr Blunt - you give me hope for a brighter future.

[BuddyX]

It takes time. And sometimes that's not enough. It did not work for me (but I also did not have kids).

In regards to signing a contract, that's a bunch of crock. He already signed a monomogous contract with you, on your wedding day-and he broke that. It's easy for him to say this now, but the Dopamine is strong. Remember, he lied to your face while he was getting some on the side. Contracts crumble when there's piece of a$$ involved. But you might want to sign one strictly for a financial reason.

 

MC and IC will help, but ther'll be plenty of days where the anger and emotions are triggered by random things.

[Mr Blunt]

By BuddyX

In regards to signing a contract, that's a bunch of crock. He already signed a monomogous contract with you, on your wedding day-and he broke that. It's easy for him to say this now, but the Dopamine is strong. Remember, he lied to your face while he was getting some on the side. Contracts crumble when there's piece of a$$ involved. But you might want to sign one strictly for a financial reason.

No one suggested that the contract was going to guarantee monogamy.

 

Signing the contract that he will walk away with nothing in NOT a crock!

The contract is not so much a guarantee that he will not ever lie or cheat again but it does show that he is serious about R. Signing a legal contract that will be very powerful in a court of law in a divorce settlement is dead serious. If this man is willing to sign a legal contract that will give him a disadvantage in his financial resources in a divorce; then that is an action that can give Karmella a little bit of trust that he is serious about R. Giving up legal rights to some of your financial resources is a very scary action and hits you in the security of your lifestyle; that is extremely important and a person would have to be desperate to sign such a legal document.