TheAbstracted1142 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Context: My ex and I dated for a bit over 5 years, lived together for 4 of them. Back in October, she got a new job working overnights as a stocker while I got a new day job (up until that point, we had always worked at the same places together). She became friends with one of her co-workers, and I noticed she was flirting with him and always had him over during the day while I was at work. She always has been flirty, but I confronted her about it and she swore there was nothing to worry about. But over the next few months, I noticed her growing more and more distant from me, and one day in January I confronted her once more. This time she admits that she had developed feelings for him, and didn't feel as strongly towards me anymore. She decided we needed to take a break, and moved in with a (different) friend. We maintained contact for the next six weeks, seeing each other about once a week as well. One night she texts me and tells me she had sex with him, and not too long after breaks up with me. She said that she wasn't leaving me for him, and also said she still loves me, but that she needed to be single for some time, to figure out what she really wants in life. Throughout these weeks, she had told me more than once that her biggest fear was losing me as a friend, and I told her each time that we couldn't be friends if she left me. Well, two weeks after the breakup I relented and agreed to just that. Not too long after, she was kicked out of the place she was staying in and had to move in with another co-worker friend of hers. At this point in time, she's come to the conclusion that the guy she had developed feelings for previously, was a psychopath and she cut off all contact with him. Not even a week later, she tells me she's begun dating one of her roommates at her new place, even though she had repeatedly told me that although he was interested in her, she wasn't interested in him. (I never asked if she was seeing anyone, she brought it up on her own multiple times) --------------------- So, here's the thing. I'm still madly in love with her, despite all the wrong she has done to be as of late. When I decided to be her friend, everything was going pretty well; we always have had great chemistry together, and we've laughed and had fun like old times. There was one night after we both had a good number of drinks at the bar that we had a brief make-out session, but we talked about it and decided to just let it go for now. But when she started dating this guy, I told her we couldn't be friends anymore, that it just would tear me up inside to still be a part of her life and see her with another man. I told her throughout the breakup process and a few times since that all I want is for her to be happy, and if this guy does that for her then that is what she needs to do, but that I was too jealous to deal with that. I told her that a little over a week ago, but now I'm having second thoughts; setting aside the fact that I am still in love with her and want her back (that's like, a whole 'nother can of worms entirely), I don't want to lose her as a friend. I'm more than a bit of a weird guy, and tend to put people off. Consequently, I don't really have any friends, at least not good friends. She's the only person I've ever met who actually accepts me for who I am; she knows things about me no one else does, and still stuck around all this time regardless. I don't have to pretend to be someone else around her, we have great conversation over text and in person, and no matter what it is we do when we hang out, we always end up having a good time. I guess I'm just wondering if it's worth enduring the pain and jealously of seeing her with someone else so that I can have someone in my life that I truly connect with on a deeper level. I guess I'm worried that those negative emotions won't leave if I still keep her around in my life, and that if I never do get her back, I won't be able to move on from her. But like I said earlier, I don't really have anyone else in my life to lean on or otherwise during what has been the hardest time in my life I've ever had to live through. I was lonely throughout my life until I met her, and I'm so scared that I will end up being the same way if I push her away. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone help me figure out what's best? 1
dumbass2 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 You can't be just friends with an ex that you still have romantic feelings for. There really is nothing else to say. I've been there a few times where they've wanted that. It doesn't and never will work and I do mean never. 1
LD1990 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 It's not gonna work. Zero friends are better than one that rips your heart out. You're not gonna be able to heal from your breakup while you're still friends with her, and I wouldn't be surprised if she drops you as a friend in the near future anyway, which will be like getting dumped all over again. 2
LostOnes05 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 (edited) SHE IS NOT YOUR (GIRL)FRIEND.Here's her logic... 1)We're just friends...breaks up with you and sleeps with coworker 2) Wants to keep you in orbit 3) Not interested in roommate...now dating him 4) Tells you about these things even though she knows it crushes you... And that's someone you want to keep in your life? From what you've stated none of her words match her actions. What happened to her being single by the way? Don't let her hold power over you man. You've got to cut her out of your life cold turkey and move on. Not going to say it will be easy to do, but step back and read what you wrote as if it was someone else who needed advice. Best wishes in your healing, but bottom line let her go...no girlfriend, no friend, no fwb...nothing. Edited April 30, 2016 by LostOnes05
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 It's not actually that you two want to be friends. It's that you are both afraid of change. The idea that the other person will be totally gone from your life is overwhelming in it's finality. You are both scared. For you it's even worse because you want her back. Friendships immediately following a break up don't work. You can't be good friends. You can't share hopes & dreams. It's not like you can talk to her about hos upset you are over the break up. She certainly can't discuss her new romance. More importantly any new SOs in your lives will be right to demand that this "friendship" end immediately. You don't have to be mean or mad at each other. If you bump into one another you can be polite. I always spare a few minutes to catch up on EXs when I bump into them. Difference is I never go out of my way or plan to meet them & I try my best to avoid going to places where I think the might be. Sometimes I can't; for example my one EX works at my grad school alma mater so I know it's likely that I will see him if I attend an alumni event. It's scary a clean break with no lingering BS about being friends is best. The clean break will actually help you to heal. 1
porta77 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 You don't need such a "friend". Clean break. Stop communication. Move on. She is bad news, don't kid yourself! 1
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Friendships after a breakup only work if neither party is emotionally invested in the other - the break up is truly mutual. "I want to break you with you" "Funny that, I want to break up with you too", Otherwise the person who is still invested usually gets massively hurt by trying to be "just friends" with the object of their attraction. It delays the grieving process and messes up any attempts to move on to other people too. Hanging around essentially waiting till she dumps this guy so you may have a chance again is probably futile, as by that time she will be moving on to some other guy, not looking to repeat past mistakes. Sorry! 1
swang Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 She sounds like a piece of ****. I wouldn't if I were you. In fact, I wouldn't even take her back if she came begging. 1
Miss.A Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 I've been there, tried that. Doesn't work, believe me. The best thing you can do is stop contacting her and improve yourself and your life. The less you know about her personal life the better. Because once they get into a relationship with someone else it hurts like hell and it sends you right back to square one.. just like when you first broke up. If she wants to reach out to you.. thats her decision. Go out there and live your life to the fullest. 1
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