BPD boyfriend left again?

[Cori]

On my fifth break up with him. Always left out of the blue for something irrational and delusional. I have cycled with him so many times because I was codependent and insecure. Have gotten a clear head after he has refused to speak to me for a month.

 

At first I was upset because of codependency.

Now I am so grateful

He has blocked me even though I only sent supportive messages.

He said he will contact me in two months.

Should I expect him to follow through ?

 

I can not help him he needs to help himself, however I've decided if he contacts me I will only speak to him if our therapist we both see is present so I can not manipulated back into the situation.

 

I do want him to get help and I feel this will be a way to get what I need to say to him out in a healthy way and for him to hopefully have some clarity on how he behaves ?

Is this smart or should I just continue no contact?

We have some mutual friends or else I wouldn't even bother and I believe he is trying to prey on a friend who is very weak minded after her own breakup.

 

Just need advice :/

I take blame for my own actions in the situation and I just want to still be compassionate to someone I once loved.

[BlueIris]

I vote, no contact.

 

Congratulations on getting a clear head on this!

 

Don’t look back and don’t get involved in whether he gets help or not. Unless you have children together, there is no reason to let yourself fall into the quagmire of another person’s problems.

[Zahara]

He said he will contact me in two months.

Should I expect him to follow through ?

 

You're even questioning this? You want to go for Round 6?

 

Block him on everything and don't anticipate contact from him, regardless of therapy.

[basil67]

Yep, unless you want to get dumped a sixth time, stay away from him. As for the other issues, just stay out of them.

 

Block all contact with him.

[LD1990]

I do want him to get help and I feel this will be a way to get what I need to say to him out in a healthy way and for him to hopefully have some clarity on how he behaves ?

 

Not gonna happen.

 

Anything's possible but I'd bet my life that he does not end up gaining any clarity on how he behaves. The more common route with people who have strong BPD traits is that he, at one point or another, shifts all the blame onto you and makes all his messed-up behaviors a byproduct of something you did or didn't do.

[LostOnes05]

Why would you want contact with someone that has broken up with you 5 times? I don't think you should be in contact with him ever.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend is also diagnosed BPD. He refused to seek treatment.

 

I know what that awful, toxic cycle feels like. It's not going to get better. One of the best choices I've made in recent years was to go completely No Contact with him. My life is so much calmer and more pleasant now and I hardly recognize the woman I was, who put up with it and tried so hard to "help" him. I'm still recovering from the damage caused by that relationship.

 

Stay No Contact.

[Downtown]

Cori, I agree with LD, ExPat, and the other respondents -- all of whom are recommending NC.

 

I just want to still be compassionate to someone I once loved.

If he has strong BPD traits as you believe, it is extremely unlikely that you can help him. Once you draw close to a BPDer, you both will find that you're always in a lose/lose situation. This predicament occurs because a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. The result is that, any time you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you unavoidably are drawing closer to the other fear.

 

This means that, as you draw close to assure him of your devotion and love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, i.e., the suffocating feeling that you're trying to control him and that he is somehow losing his identity inside your strong personality. He therefore will create an argument -- out of thin air and over nothing -- to push you away. Yet, as you back off to give him breathing space and relief from the engulfment, you will start triggering his abandonment fear.

 

I feel this will be a way to get what I need to say to him out in a healthy way and for him to hopefully have some clarity on how he behaves?

As LD observes above, the chance of your giving your Ex any lasting clarity on his own behavior is extremely small if he is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits). Because a BPDer is filled with enormous shame and self loathing, his subconscious works 24/7 protecting his conscious mind from seeing too much of reality in close relationships. It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all hurtful thoughts and painful feelings onto YOU.

 

This is why a BPDer almost certainly will be absolutely convinced that YOU are the BPDer if you tell him about his behavioral traits. If you would like to read more about my experiences with a BPDer exW, please check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your Ex's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., taking your Ex back or running right into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I will only speak to him if our therapist we both see is present so I can not manipulated back into the situation.

If there is a good chance your Ex exhibits strong BPD traits, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see a therapist who is not treating your Ex -- indeed, who has never even met your Ex. Relying on your Ex's therapist for candid advice during a relationship would be as foolish as relying on his attorney for candid advice during a divorce. Like his attorney, his therapist is ethically bound to protect his best interests. This is why therapists routinely withhold the name of the diagnosis from their BPD clients -- and from the clients' GFs as well, even if they also are treating those GFs. I discuss this in greater detail in my post at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

[sandylee1]

Get yourself out of this cycle or you'll be miserable for life. I know someone diagnosed with BPD who would instigate break ups for the sole purpose of cheating on her BF.. so technically they weren't together while she slept with other guys.

 

Find a man who doesn't have issues that affect your own wellbeing. Relationships are difficult enough without added complications like this.