Intimacy

[confusedmatt]

Thank you so much for your honesty, it is helpful, although unsettling.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm just trying to demonstrate that it's not just about lack of sex/intimacy.

For guys, sex is a great 'smoother'. Tensions can be ironed out by a release of sexual tension.

 

Many women, particularly mothers, it's different.

Look at it this way.

 

I have heard an awful lot of women referred to as 'the wife'. That's one 'identity'.

Then, this is "Jake and Lucy's Mom".... That's another one.

(doesn't sound so significant until you hear so many people talking about how a mum stays at home with the kids, but the dad is 'babysitting' while mom is out....No, he's staying home with the kids!

Or "so what do you do?"

"I'm a SAHM."

"Oh, so, you don't work then?" Double )

Then she's a secretary/ sales assistant/receptionist. There'a ANOTHER 'identity.

 

Women have to conform socially to quite a few roles.

You may have heard the saying "my H wants a chef in the kitchen, a hostess in the living room and a 'Wh**e in the bedroom.' ( I heard Jerry Hall say that about Mick Jagger, btw....)

So we are conditioned from a young age to fulfil several roles.

I'm not saying guys don't but there's a certain separation between them.

 

I hate to pull this to one side, but I'll illustrate.

 

My ex-H and I both had full-time jobs at one point.

Turned out, due to work commitments, I was further away from home than he was. He was also an engineer, so travelled to his different job locations (within a radius) and could pick and prioritise his jobs. My job was less flexible, static and governed by clients wishes.

The school was well aware of this. We informed them of our schedules, commitments and 'phone numbers in case of emergencies.

Unfailingly, they would call ME if either of my children needed attention.

Even though they KNEW it was less convenient for me to deal with emergencies, they always called me because "Well, you're her mom, aren't you? I mean, she's not well, and a child needs their mum when they're poorly."

 

OMG....Really - ?!

What a way to stereotype both the mum AND the poor dad!

 

But this is not an uncommon attitude, and it's one that is still prevalent today.

 

Women lose who they are.

Which is another aspect to factor in.

You see, I did say it went deeper than just 'my wife has gone off sex'....

[confusedmatt]

We spoken again about it, she assures me she still loves me in that way, I'm going to choose to believe her and try to get my head right, I'm not sure she really understood how much it has been affecting me to be honest. All we can do is try. thank you all for your input though. It has been helpful in different ways, just having the right idea about questions to ask has been a massive help.

[Gloria25]

So what will possibly come from OP confronting her?

 

She obviously is not into him and does not want the sex. She stated that already to him.

The outcome from confronting her can be..

Either she accepts that its not working for OP but to keep the marriage will give him starfish boring sex which he does not want.

Or, realize that this is not working for either one of them and will either retreat or seak divorce or affairs.

 

Unless she wants him it will not improve. Therefore my suggestion is to have him in a position of power ..

 

It's not "confrontation". Mind you, in my post, I advised him to hold her hand, look her in the eye and pick a time/place in private - where they wouldn't be distracted and where what he said could have impact on her. Confrontation isn't done with that tenderness, IMO.

 

It's also not a "confrontation". It's "communication". He can't sit around and fester and/or "hint" on what's going on. The meeting needs to be called to order.

 

If their sex is so boring then why did they go at it like wild animals pre-marriage?

 

Also, "Where there's a will, there's a way"....The other day a friend of mine told me that all women have to do is get on their back and open their legs. I told him "no - not me". I don't play that. If I want sex and/or our sex life is lacking, you think I'm gonna sit around and not raise it with my husband?

 

You know, I've done a lot of testing for jobs, schools, etc. They recommend not "assuming" things when you are reading something that you have to answer. I don't see where the OP said his wife thinks their sex is terrible. So, I'm not gonna assume that her lack of interest in sex is cuz he sucks in bed - especially when for his wife, playing games on her laptop is "priority". If she didn't like the sex, I'm sure she would have brought it up by now. It's not like they just met, they've been married for a few years now.

[TaraMaiden2]

We spoken again about it, she assures me she still loves me in that way, I'm going to choose to believe her and try to get my head right, I'm not sure she really understood how much it has been affecting me to be honest. All we can do is try. thank you all for your input though. It has been helpful in different ways, just having the right idea about questions to ask has been a massive help.

 

I really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY REALLY R-E-A-L-L-Y hope things work out for you.

And I mean totally really.

[confusedmatt]

Thank you. So do I.