tayriley Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Last week I went on a first date with a guy I just met. It went ok, we talked the entire time, but not really about anything deep. Going on dates with strangers is new to me because in the past my boyfriends all started off being friends with me. I don't really know how deep the conversation is supposed to be on a first date? The word I'd describe the date as is 'unsatisfying.' I am physically attracted to him, but a couple of things bothered me- 1) he didn't really ask me any questions about myself. any questions he did ask were very surface- like 'what are you doing this weekend' 2) he didn't act flirty toward me at all. there was no touching, kissing, hugging or flirty comments. he didnt offer to pick me up or walk me to my car. (he did insist of paying the bill though) He texted me to ask me to get lunch a couple days later, and I did not answer him (because we started texting about something else). He asked me out to the first date via text as well, and never called it 'taking me out' or 'date'--instead he says 'hang out.' Honestly, I'm pretty turned off by how casual he is acting. Is there a way to tell him I'd like him to PLAN a date or CALL me instead of only texting? Or is this how all relationships start these days? Texting and 'hang outs'? I have nothing to judge it on, since my ex-bfs were all friends with me first- we DID do a lot of 'hanging out' previous to actual relationships. I can't decide if he is shy, socially awkward, or playing a game where he is trying to be as casual as possible to indicate that he is not interested in anything serious. Should I try to see if he will change his behavior upon my request (and how do I request it?) Or is this a lost cause? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 First impressions count. If you expect a guy to show a true interest in you, call you to set up a proper date, etc, then this guy didn't pass. If it were me I would wait for someone better to come along. Don't waste your time waiting to see if he will "improve" his behavior. I'm on board with you, I expect a date to treat me like a lady, call me, and make an effort to impress me to some degree....I would do the same in return of course. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 he didn't really ask me any questions about myself. One of the most important clues way too many women overlook. Do I go on a second date? Absolutely not! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluboy Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Go on a second date. Please go! What is there to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Unsure how old you are....... On a first meet is its a dammed if you fo/d9nt issue. What you my want guy to do there is another out there who would actually be turned off by it. I have had many first dates where neither of us wanted to get too deep in a conversation. There are topics you shouldn't even touch on a first medt. Doing flirty things on a first medt is also a problem Rea. Some women will find offense at what you want. Him go do. If you try to get too flirty then it sends a message of all you want is s3x. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 IMO, you gave it a shot, no joy, so call it a miss and move on. However, IMO the experience solidified some criteria and boundaries for meeting and dating men so in that vein I'd consider it a success. Regarding changing behaviors, IMO save that kind of stuff for established relationships. People are who they are and if getting to know them reveals behaviors which don't work for you, they don't work for you. That's what dating is about; getting to know. If it don't flow, let it go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Go on a second date. Please go! What is there to lose? Time Unless someone was to look in the mirror and say to themselves... "crap I better try that crap again because I can't do any better" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tayriley Posted April 26, 2016 Author Share Posted April 26, 2016 Thanks for the replies. They are much appreciated. I'm 30 years old and I guess I just dont know what dating is like these days. This 'hang out' thing actually isn't new to me in that this is how guys in college courted me. It didn't bother me then because we were friends to begin with so it was comfortable from the get-go. We live in such a Tindr culture now that I'm just wondering what 30 year old guys do these days as far as taking a girl out on a first/second/third date? It seems like texting to meet for a drink or 'netflix and chill' is kind of the standard. Is it even normal to call to ask a girl out a week in advance? Women proclaim they want super romantic, well-thought out, extravagant dates, but do actual real guys do this upon first meeting a girl? (doing it for a girlfriend is different than someone you just met, imo) Or is that just a hollywood movie trope I should ignore? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 Don't bother. Look, the best relationships usually happens when two people just click from the get go..... when two people are just highly compatible and have great chemistry things just flow; you tend to be touchy feely and kiss by the end of the date or at least hold hands. When you have to force something and things you both do rub each other the wrong way, and you're NOT both craving to be close and hold hands- end it. Sure, there are instances where people grow on you. But this tends to happen out of friendships. When you have no intention of dating but end up falling for one another naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tayriley Posted April 26, 2016 Author Share Posted April 26, 2016 Don't bother. Look, the best relationships usually happens when two people just click from the get go..... when two people are just highly compatible and have great chemistry things just flow; you tend to be touchy feely and kiss by the end of the date or at least hold hands. When you have to force something and things you both do rub each other the wrong way, and you're NOT both craving to be close and hold hands- end it. Sure, there are instances where people grow on you. But this tends to happen out of friendships. When you have no intention of dating but end up falling for one another naturally. I don't really believe in initial 'chemistry'--- attraction yes, but chemistry, no. Maybe it's cause I really need to get to know a person before I feel I like them. My issue here is, all the guys I've dated have started off as friendships that grew into something else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tayriley Posted April 26, 2016 Author Share Posted April 26, 2016 no one else has an opinion? it'd be much appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
Bios Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 I'd say give it a last try. Speaking from experience, I am also very shy and I would not have done those things on the first date. Some men are just not aggressive and into showing physical affection(ex. kissing, hugging) on their first meeting because they don't want to mess things up. I think nothing's wrong with giving him another one. The date might have been unsatisfying, however he didn't disrespect you or anything like that. Maybe you can also try to take the lead if you see that he is too shy to do it! Sometimes it takes a lot of hints to tell the guy that it is okay to do certain things (ex. kiss, hug, talk more). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 no one else has an opinion? it'd be much appreciated... Reads to me that the only reason he's interested in locking down "Date #2" (with minimal effort), is because he knows there'll be no "Date #3" (and its *obligatory* sex) without it. I wouldn't be too overjoyed - and I'd be extremely underwhelmed - at the prospect of going out with him, again...so no, I wouldn't do it. Best of luck to you, OP... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tayriley Posted April 27, 2016 Author Share Posted April 27, 2016 lol it's pretty funny just how all-over-the-place the advice is on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 lol it's pretty funny just how all-over-the-place the advice is on here. We didn't meet him and are only speculating. You have the advantage of actually having gone on a date with him. I'd say take the advice that most resonates with you based on your actual experience with him and what feels right for you. When I decide if I want to see a guy again, this is what I think: the only thing that matters to me is how a guy makes me feel when I am with him. If I am comfortable and enjoying myself, I want to see him again. I will give physical attraction time to grow, but I do believe that a mental connection should be there very fast. We should make each other laugh, get a little deep, and find we have a lot in common off the bat. If I'm not excited to see a guy again, I don't bother. I give two dates to find that connection, although in my experience, I have always found it on the first date or not at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spriggan2 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 (edited) A lot of guys don't call because it's not always the norm or what they are accustomed to. I for example prefer text but if made aware that a girl I'm seeing prefers phone calls I would gladly mix them in, and have. You could tell him hey I like/prefer phone calls. If he doesn't adjust then you know he's not compatible. There are plenty of guys who play it low key and are too awkward or apprehensive to escalate things romantically, hence the hangout phrase and lack of flirting or touching. I feel like Tindr has opened up dating options for a lot of introverted and socially awkward dudes who would never be able to approach a girl and propose a date. So they can get the date, but they don't know what to do on the date to express desire or put themselves out there. I don't know if this applies to your guy, but if it does then you have to decide if you have the patience for him to figure things out and if you have the willingness to initiate some flirting yourself. My opinion is that if you like the guy outside of this texting issue and lack of flirting, if the date was enjoyable for you, then I would see him again if he asks and maybe pay closer attention. Tell him you're curious about what kind of interesting date he could come up with and then you'll plan one after, just to see what he does? I dunnno. You said he didn't ask you much about yourself, like he didn't ask getting to know you questions? I would think most guys would be able to do that, unless they were looking for a pure hookup. Bottom line I don't think there's enough to rule this guy out. If you've got the time and interest maybe give him another chance. Or try other options. Edited April 27, 2016 by spriggan2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 lol it's pretty funny just how all-over-the-place the advice is on here. Yeah, life is like that, with billions of people with unique personalities and life experiences. What's really cool is being able to gain the benefit of other perspectives, examine one's own perspective, take a look at that dating partner and meld it all together with how you feel. Sometimes the path is conventional wisdom. Sometimes it's controversial. Sometimes surprising. IMO, the success here is asking the question and taking it all on-board. Hopefully the process has been helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowhibiscus Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Hmm..I find this interesting because I have never been touchy/feeling on a first date. In fact, I would find it very weird if a guy tried to do such things with me right off the bat. First dates are for getting to know you- asking questions is important and seeing if you two would be a good match. I would give him another chance and see how things go. If again he's not asking questions or mainly just talking about himself, I would then probably be over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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