5years together - she left for someone else

[Darkeyy]

Well it's already been a month.. The days/weeks go by faster than i realized. The days always seem long and tough resulting in me never wanna get up early.

 

In my opinion i'm doing better, i still think a lot about her but i feel less emotional now than 3 weeks ago. Sometimes i do get emotional knowing that she's having fun etc. But it only last a while instead of the whole day. The evenings/nights are the worst because i'm alone. she keeps popping up in my dreams and thoughts and it takes a while to fall asleep.

 

The only thing bothering me is when she pops up in my mind i wonder about some questions

 

* How can she just get into a new relationship like that?

* I know she fell out of love with me, but why? Was i not good enough?

* Is she really happy with that new guy?

* Does she still think of me even tho she never text.

* Does she regret anything about her decision?

 

I know i won't get any real answers.. But they keep coming up and i can't block them out.

I'm sure i'll meet some setbacks but for now i'm just thinking about me and trying to get my sh*t together.

 

Am i making progress or am i thinking wrong?

Any suggestions/advice or different perspective is welcome!

[gimlynick]

Well it's already been a month.. The days/weeks go by faster than i realized. The days always seem long and tough resulting in me never wanna get up early.

 

In my opinion i'm doing better, i still think a lot about her but i feel less emotional now than 3 weeks ago. Sometimes i do get emotional knowing that she's having fun etc. But it only last a while instead of the whole day. The evenings/nights are the worst because i'm alone. she keeps popping up in my dreams and thoughts and it takes a while to fall asleep.

 

The only thing bothering me is when she pops up in my mind i wonder about some questions

 

* How can she just get into a new relationship like that?

* I know she fell out of love with me, but why? Was i not good enough?

* Is she really happy with that new guy?

* Does she still think of me even tho she never text.

* Does she regret anything about her decision?

 

I know i won't get any real answers.. But they keep coming up and i can't block them out.

I'm sure i'll meet some setbacks but for now i'm just thinking about me and trying to get my sh*t together.

 

Am i making progress or am i thinking wrong?

Any suggestions/advice or different perspective is welcome!

 

You are making progression!

Keep up the good work.

 

It makes sence that you still think/care about her. This isn't a thing that will fade away soon. But now she is becoming more and more a memory instead of something that is actually in your life.

 

About your questions:

- I have no idea how they do... I think they meet someone new on the moment when it's not going that great in the relation, and they get GIGs.

- Because she got feelings for the other guy. She was comparing your weaknesses with his strong points... Because she knows you 100% and him only 10%... It's easy for the new guy to only show his good parts to her. Little by little she will see his shortcomings aswell. But then it's too late to turn the tide

- Yes she is. More happy actually then in the end of your relationship with her.

- Yes she does. Probably not as much as you think about her. But she is also confused why she is doing this, alldough she doesn't regret it.

- Well, like stated above.

 

 

It's sad, it's ****** up. We get through this my friend!

 

I think that in 2-3 months, we'll have a more objective view, and maybe one day we'll be glad that we are out of a relation with this type of girl.

[MIK3 WB]

Being jealous is definitely a no no , you have to have confidence in yourself. Many women eventually get turned off by it.

 

Can someone explain this to me? Because in the end, his jealousy was validated. Is he supposed to just not care that a guy was flirting with her and she was reciprocating? Am I missing something?

 

"I'm turned off by your jealousy so I'm going to validate it by leaving you to be with another guy"

 

There's a difference between flying off the handle if she says "Hi" to a guy and a whole other if she is flirting with a guy behind his back and being concerned about it.

Edited May 12, 2016 by MIK3 WB

[ALL OR NOTHING]

Hello! I just want to share my story and ask for advice. I've been reading a lot of topics and they help a lot to understand how i'm feeling and what i'm going through.

 

 

I was in a relationship for 5 years+ this was actually my first real relationship. She's 24 and i'm 23, she's working for 2 years(quit uni) and i'm finishing my uni in 2 months. We had our ups and downs like everyone else but never had huge fights

(can't even remember when we were actually mad at each other). I thought everything was going smooth and we were talking about finding an apartment together after i found a job, we also booked a vacation and were really looking forward to it.

 

Everything changed 2 weeks ago.. Out of the nowhere she asked me if i would mind going home instead of sleeping at her place because she had to think. I went home and called her late at night to ask if she wanted to talk about it, She said she fell in love with another guy and ended our relationship on the phone. I was schocked as i did not see it coming at all. Turns out she was texting with him for a few weeks and fell for him.

The next day they were together.. She just jumped from me to him leaving me behind like she never cared.

 

I was broken and begged but ofcourse it did not work. I did ask for one more conversation face to face to get some closure and actually end it like mature people. Which we had 5 days after (also gave some stuff back).

She said she still loved me and that she really was happy those 5 years but the relationship got boring and was becoming a drag, also that i was a bit jealous (which is true, but she knew that from day 1 we were together).

And that she fell hard in love with the other guy.

This guy is just 18 and started to study, she always "hated" younger people because they are less mature. (no offense to anyone)

 

I did look up her photos the first days and saw they already went to the beach for a day... Which made me angry because we were planning on doing that for over a month and were just waiting till the weather got better.

I'm 1 week in NC now, mostly to get my mind off her and trying to move on but so far i only had bad days because i miss her. Even if i try to do other things my mind keeps going back to her.

After 3 days of NC she texted the typical "how are you doing" and another text the day after "guess you don't want to talk to me eh?".

I did not respond and haven't heard anything from her since.. Maybe she does not even think about me or is mad i ignored her or she just accepts that i don't want to talk. (my mind keeps saying it's because she already forgot about me..)

 

Deep down i still want her back and hope she figures out she made a mistake.. So i guess i'm also using NC to make her miss me even tho i'm just giving myself false hope this way.

She never told me that she found our relationship boring or that it was a drag so i guess it was just an excuse to make her feel less guilty about why she broke up. We could of worked on that problem together and she knows that.

I find myself emotionally cheated on because she was texting him behind my back (maybe even more..) and i'm also wondering if she has the GIGS and after the honeymoon phase is over she knows it was a mistake.

 

Do you guys/girls think it's the GIGS or you actually think she just did not want to continue the relationship

Would there even be a chance she would come back? (Guess only time will tell :/)

Is she actually still thinking about me, or did she forget about me because she is not reaching out over text? - (i won't text her back, but if she reaches out i atleast know that she thinks about me)

 

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot!

 

This is brutal man , ok so this is what you need to do!

 

1. Block her on everything and I do mean every thing!

 

2. Deleted her number and get rid of everything that she ever gave you or that reminds you off her.

 

3. What ever you do DO NOT ever speak to her again , she has ripped out your heart without a second thought and this is all the reason you need to never look at her with future potential ever again. You just don't realize it yet!

 

4. Embrace the change , you can either sit there and think that your life's over and she was amazing and Youl never find anyone like her again or you can count your lucky stars you don't have kids and your still young and you got rid of someone that left you cus you were boring. Only boring ppl get bored so you just got rid of a heartless boring @$&@" which frees you up to find someone who's much better.

 

5. The only victory you have now is to walk away , I know this is not what you want but you have too! Your victory will come in a few months when you've ran out of tears and you finally learn how to smile again , she will be ruining the new relationship at this point and start begging you back in her life but at this point you just feel sorry for her but you won't want her back.

 

6. Think like James Bond , do as James Bond would do and you will be fine!

[Darkeyy]

Can someone explain this to me? Because in the end, his jealousy was validated. Is he supposed to just not care that a guy was flirting with her and she was reciprocating? Am I missing something?

 

"I'm turned off by your jealousy so I'm going to validate it by leaving you to be with another guy"

 

There's a difference between flying off the handle if she says "Hi" to a guy and a whole other if she is flirting with a guy behind his back and being concerned about it.

 

Let me clarify the jealousy part. Because i think you misunderstood a bit.

I was real jealous in the beginning of the relationship. It gotten better after a while but ive always been a bit protective and liked to know where she went and with who'm. I always said to her where i would go or with who i'd be with.

 

I did not know she was texting the other guy till the night she broke up with me.. So i had no clue what was going on.

I was not jealous on that because i just didn't know it was happening. So in my eyes she dumped me out of the blue while she probably was having that thought for weeks before she actually did it.

[Darkeyy]

This is brutal man , ok so this is what you need to do!

 

1. Block her on everything and I do mean every thing!

 

2. Deleted her number and get rid of everything that she ever gave you or that reminds you off her.

 

3. What ever you do DO NOT ever speak to her again , she has ripped out your heart without a second thought and this is all the reason you need to never look at her with future potential ever again. You just don't realize it yet!

 

4. Embrace the change , you can either sit there and think that your life's over and she was amazing and Youl never find anyone like her again or you can count your lucky stars you don't have kids and your still young and you got rid of someone that left you cus you were boring. Only boring ppl get bored so you just got rid of a heartless boring @$&@" which frees you up to find someone who's much better.

 

5. The only victory you have now is to walk away , I know this is not what you want but you have too! Your victory will come in a few months when you've ran out of tears and you finally learn how to smile again , she will be ruining the new relationship at this point and start begging you back in her life but at this point you just feel sorry for her but you won't want her back.

 

6. Think like James Bond , do as James Bond would do and you will be fine!

 

I deleted her on things she could contact me. I also deleted her number on my phone. Stored all the stuff of us away in a box.

 

I'm doing fine at the moment, still think and miss her but i'm not crying anymore. Just can't get her out of my head yet..

She had a choice and made the one where she thought she would be more happy in her life. So i'm trying to accept that and wish her well in my mind. Because i still want her to be happy in life, even if it's without me.

 

I started the gym today and that whole hour i did not have any single thought of her and it felt GREAT!

 

This weekend will be a problem for me tho, B&B tradition with family and she was always with me.. so the room will give me A LOT of good/fun/happy memories which will be painful to experience. I hope i can have a little fun throughout the day, but the evening will be bad and full of emotion. Just trying to emotionally prepare myself for that.

[MIK3 WB]

Let me clarify the jealousy part. Because i think you misunderstood a bit.

I was real jealous in the beginning of the relationship. It gotten better after a while but ive always been a bit protective and liked to know where she went and with who'm. I always said to her where i would go or with who i'd be with.

 

I did not know she was texting the other guy till the night she broke up with me.. So i had no clue what was going on.

I was not jealous on that because i just didn't know it was happening. So in my eyes she dumped me out of the blue while she probably was having that thought for weeks before she actually did it.

 

Yeah I know it doesn't directly apply to you, but I'm asking people in a general sense.

 

For example I knew this guy was flirting with my ex (texting her all day, her going to his place, one on one dinners, flirting with her) and she pretended to be oblivious to it and told me she didn't like him. Naturally, I felt a bit jealous. But apparently jealousy is a turn off. So the alternative is to just be okay with it. Or maybe I'm really misunderstanding.

[Darkeyy]

Yeah I know it doesn't directly apply to you, but I'm asking people in a general sense.

 

For example I knew this guy was flirting with my ex (texting her all day, her going to his place, one on one dinners, flirting with her) and she pretended to be oblivious to it and told me she didn't like him. Naturally, I felt a bit jealous. But apparently jealousy is a turn off. So the alternative is to just be okay with it. Or maybe I'm really misunderstanding.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. It would be normal to feel jealous and she should never done anything like that.

[Darkeyy]

Last night before going to sleep i realised she actually fully cheated on me and i'm 99% sure it's more than just emotional.

 

The people that are quick to walk away' date=' are the ones that never intented to stay.[/quote']

 

^ And she got over those 5 years pretty quickly. So i guess she didn't really love me in the first place.

 

I'm tired of having emotional feelings towards her and the relationship we had together. I'm ready to flip a switch in my head and get over all this cr*p.

What she did was wrong in many ways and not me or anyone else deserves getting cheated on. More importantly i don't want to be sad about something she did wrong.

 

I'm disgusted with how she still stringed me on for weeks.. If you feel like the relationship isn't going to work, just end it. Don't cheat, that's just immature and says a lot about a person.

 

She had a choice and she made it. And now she's happy, so good for her..

 

 

She cheated in the past and got close to me (emotional, nothing physical) while she was still in a relationship with someone else. I'm pretty sure she also cheated before me..

I didn't think much of it because i was a teenager that had fallen in love for the first time. I should've known better.

 

I don't believe in karma, but i sure hope it comes around some day and bite her.

 

- Once a cheater, always a cheater.!

[heybabes]

Hey Darkeyy,

 

I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment as you. I was in a 5 year relationship until last weekend when I found out my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. Instead of apologising or talking things through, he still vented his anger at me and hasn't spoken to me since. I mean, technically we haven't even broken up as we haven't even talked about it, but I know it's a given. Even though I asked him to phone me, I told him how much I loved him and didn't want to lose him, but he ignored me and ignored my calls.

 

Now I'm in the same position as you - wondering what I did wrong, whether he will be with this girl for a bit and realise that he made a mistake. It's so heartbreaking and I'm not going to give too much advice because I don't think I'm coping too well myself at the moment!

 

I guess one thing is you're not alone. It's something that happens to everyone at some point and the pain we are feeling right now is completely normal and justified. I don't see how I can feel any worse than this so at least onwards and upwards. I don't know about you, but my family and (some) of my friends have been really great about it, which is helping. The pain is still very much there though I do feel like I'm dying inside - like you, how can they just get over those 5 years so quickly??

 

I haven't contacted my ex since I tried to on Monday. I deleted his number so I couldn't contact him again when tempted (which is a lot, to send a 'please can we talk I miss you and love you', unfollowed him and his family on social media (although have had a couple of looks to see if he still follows me). I am trying not to think about it. I leave my phone downstairs so I don't check it when I go to bed (as I haven't been sleeping and it doesn't help being so paranoid!)

 

Anyway, I'm really not being any help I'm just rambling. I know it's easy to say, but I suppose we are better without people like that treating us that way. It really doesn't feel like it now - I would take him back in a heartbeat because of how rubbish I feel -but I am trying to believe that I will be happier in the long term and find someone who won't do this to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's tough OP, many of us feel your pain.

 

I was betrayed by an ex-boyfriend, after 7.5 years together (6.5 living together) I too am quite certain it was going on a while before we broke up, though at the time I didn't know. The truth is that people who do this are generally already emotionally checked out even if we don't really see it. Many of them put up a convincing front that everything is fine, sometimes even trying to convince themselves it's just a phase. I too went through that roller coaster of emotions after learning the truth, which really only came to light after the break-up. There's sadly no way to just flip the switch; that emotional attachment will linger for a while.

 

4 years later - I feel largely indifferent about him now. Honestly. I have moved on to a more fulfilling relationship. Of course my ability to trust was badly damaged but I worked hard to not let my past hold my present hostage. But it's something I consciously work on, and now know I can trust my gut when something doesn't feel quite right. I know I can look out for myself, so to speak.

 

You'll get there, too. It will take time. You will have good days and bad. But you will someday move past it.

[Darkeyy]

Hey Darkeyy,

 

I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment as you. I was in a 5 year relationship until last weekend when I found out my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. Instead of apologising or talking things through, he still vented his anger at me and hasn't spoken to me since. I mean, technically we haven't even broken up as we haven't even talked about it, but I know it's a given. Even though I asked him to phone me, I told him how much I loved him and didn't want to lose him, but he ignored me and ignored my calls.

 

Now I'm in the same position as you - wondering what I did wrong, whether he will be with this girl for a bit and realise that he made a mistake. It's so heartbreaking and I'm not going to give too much advice because I don't think I'm coping too well myself at the moment!

 

I guess one thing is you're not alone. It's something that happens to everyone at some point and the pain we are feeling right now is completely normal and justified. I don't see how I can feel any worse than this so at least onwards and upwards. I don't know about you, but my family and (some) of my friends have been really great about it, which is helping. The pain is still very much there though I do feel like I'm dying inside - like you, how can they just get over those 5 years so quickly??

 

I haven't contacted my ex since I tried to on Monday. I deleted his number so I couldn't contact him again when tempted (which is a lot, to send a 'please can we talk I miss you and love you', unfollowed him and his family on social media (although have had a couple of looks to see if he still follows me). I am trying not to think about it. I leave my phone downstairs so I don't check it when I go to bed (as I haven't been sleeping and it doesn't help being so paranoid!)

 

Anyway, I'm really not being any help I'm just rambling. I know it's easy to say, but I suppose we are better without people like that treating us that way. It really doesn't feel like it now - I would take him back in a heartbeat because of how rubbish I feel -but I am trying to believe that I will be happier in the long term and find someone who won't do this to me.

 

I'm sorry you're going through the same pain.. I'd suggest you read the advice giving to me on my thread, it helped me a lot in the beginning weeks!

It's good that you have family you can speak to, and friends! i got family i can talk to, but don't really have friends because i met all of them because of her. (am trying to build up some old/lost friendships again). But talking helps! Venting all your emotions is better than bottling them up.

 

The question 'how can they get over all those years so fast' will never be answered to us. I think we just need to bury it deep inside ourselves and try to get closure without having an answer.

 

You did a really good job deleting his number and unfollowing! I know it's hard as i had to do the same thing. But it is for the best, you're better off not sending/calling him at all and just go forward.

Going to bed is hard, getting up is even worse for me.. I can't sleep before 2am, my thoughts just spin around. And i can't get up at all and just wanna stay in bed most of the time.

 

I was in your shoes about taking her back in a heartbeat. Believe me that mindset will change.(i never say never, but it's most unlikely it will happen anyway)

Like someone here pointed out:

"Can you still be with a person that cheated on you and made you feel this heartbroken? Could you still trust that person fully after what they did to you?"

 

I wish you the best and eventually we will realise it's best to move on and stop holding on false hope. What they did to us just isn't right.

 

and if you ever need to 'ramble' (you didn't) feel free to do so!

 

 

It's tough OP, many of us feel your pain.

 

I was betrayed by an ex-boyfriend, after 7.5 years together (6.5 living together) I too am quite certain it was going on a while before we broke up, though at the time I didn't know. The truth is that people who do this are generally already emotionally checked out even if we don't really see it. Many of them put up a convincing front that everything is fine, sometimes even trying to convince themselves it's just a phase. I too went through that roller coaster of emotions after learning the truth, which really only came to light after the break-up. There's sadly no way to just flip the switch; that emotional attachment will linger for a while.

 

4 years later - I feel largely indifferent about him now. Honestly. I have moved on to a more fulfilling relationship. Of course my ability to trust was badly damaged but I worked hard to not let my past hold my present hostage. But it's something I consciously work on, and now know I can trust my gut when something doesn't feel quite right. I know I can look out for myself, so to speak.

 

You'll get there, too. It will take time. You will have good days and bad. But you will someday move past it.

 

I'm sorry you been through that and happy that you met someone that appreciates you, and you can trust.

 

I just don't know why they would emotionally detach themselves but still stay in the relationship (which obviously they don't want anymore) and say all the nice things.. Why not just be honest. If they think it's a phase, why not open up about it and see if theres a way to work it out?

 

In my opinion they just cheat because they can't be alone or want to deal with feelings that make them sad. They get someone new so they don't have to feel hurt and a new relationship is the best way to not feel any sad emotions because it's all "perfect".

 

It's just unfair, egotistical to cheat. The person that cheats just drops you in the dirt because they found someone "better", they don't care anymore about all the years before.

All i can say is it's immature and that they aren't emotionally mature to have a relationship.

[fixing]

You sound like you are doing really well OP. You are being very strong. I can relate to your story a lot.

And, unfortunately, once a cheater always a cheater is 100% correct.

 

Keep working on yourself man. Keep up the gym. Keep telling yourself privately, in the mirror, or wherever that you are a great person. And, that, she is the one with the problem. She is the one who wronged you.

 

You did nothing wrong. She sounds like a shallow girl with no soul.

 

It will take months to start to get clarity and to see the truth behind your situation, so in the meanwhile, stay NC. She made her bed, now let her lay in it with that other douchebag. They deserve eachother. You however, deserve so much more.

 

Stay NC. GL.

[Darkeyy]

You sound like you are doing really well OP. You are being very strong. I can relate to your story a lot.

And, unfortunately, once a cheater always a cheater is 100% correct.

 

Keep working on yourself man. Keep up the gym. Keep telling yourself privately, in the mirror, or wherever that you are a great person. And, that, she is the one with the problem. She is the one who wronged you.

 

You did nothing wrong. She sounds like a shallow girl with no soul.

 

It will take months to start to get clarity and to see the truth behind your situation, so in the meanwhile, stay NC. She made her bed, now let her lay in it with that other douchebag. They deserve eachother. You however, deserve so much more.

 

Stay NC. GL.

 

Thank you very much, reading this made my day!

[Darkeyy]

Been .. weeks/, i don't really keep track because it's useless. (i won't forget the date it happend tho)

 

I'm feeling more indifferent each day and slowly but surely getting over her. That does not mean i don't think about her.

She pops up in my mind daily and more than once(3+times), not in a 'i want her back, i love her so much' way. No, not at all. she's just there till i tell myself to stop.

I don't get sad if she pops up i rather find it annoying.. I'm also sure she will keep popping up for a long time.

 

My dreams are different.. She's there and we're friends (why? no idea). No loving feelings what so ever.

But other times i dream where she comes back in x-months because she feels bad and miserable what she did and saying it was a big mistake..

 

3 weeks at the gym now and i can already see change. Still love going there, it's the best thing i ever did and i always look forward to the next workout!

 

 

But Today.

Heh.

I had a dull boring moment. And i glanced at her SM.. My heart didn't skip a beat when i saw her photos.

I saw a picture of her. With a text:

'Everything has changed and yet, i feel more me than i've ever been.'

 

- I honestly couldn't care less. I thought 'well good for you if you actually feel like yourself now.'

Actually all i could think was 'Yeah, feeling like a cheater ehh'

 

I think she's actually happy she left me if i look at that text.

 

 

I don't think it set my healing back because i'm not feeling emotional or sad or anything, but i'm gonna try to not look at it again!

[teenyfish]

Been .. weeks/, i don't really keep track because it's useless. (i won't forget the date it happend tho)

 

I'm feeling more indifferent each day and slowly but surely getting over her. That does not mean i don't think about her.

She pops up in my mind daily and more than once(3+times), not in a 'i want her back, i love her so much' way. No, not at all. she's just there till i tell myself to stop.

I don't get sad if she pops up i rather find it annoying.. I'm also sure she will keep popping up for a long time.

 

My dreams are different.. She's there and we're friends (why? no idea). No loving feelings what so ever.

But other times i dream where she comes back in x-months because she feels bad and miserable what she did and saying it was a big mistake..

 

3 weeks at the gym now and i can already see change. Still love going there, it's the best thing i ever did and i always look forward to the next workout!

 

 

But Today.

Heh.

I had a dull boring moment. And i glanced at her SM.. My heart didn't skip a beat when i saw her photos.

I saw a picture of her. With a text:

'Everything has changed and yet, i feel more me than i've ever been.'

 

- I honestly couldn't care less. I thought 'well good for you if you actually feel like yourself now.'

Actually all i could think was 'Yeah, feeling like a cheater ehh'

 

I think she's actually happy she left me if i look at that text.

 

 

I don't think it set my healing back because i'm not feeling emotional or sad or anything, but i'm gonna try to not look at it again!

 

Good for you. Keep moving on and don't look back! You will get through this. Anyone who cheats sucks, and while I do believe in karma, I don't believe in sitting around waiting for it to happen. She sounds like she sucks and you're better off without her. I'm in your shoes too, and I know how hard it is to keep positive. Just remember this person didn't value what a great person you are in their lives - so who needs them?

[Chi townD]

I'm telling you dude. You need to start making those positive changes. That will only help you. You will feel better. Your mind will not wander a lot. You will give yourself goals and something to strive for and something to look forward to.