Entitled married man

[LondonGirl81]

 

Know that he double dips.... because it's the nature of the beast that is an affair. I'm not talking right or wrong of an affair .... but why are sloppy seconds and not being the number 1 woman in your boyfriends life okay with you?.

 

This makes my stomach churn, but it's so true. Why, why, why do we start/stay in these sickening relationships?

[Ana-Iva]

Given the nature of your relationship with him (an Affair), I DO NOT agree with him at all. While he's married he can't expect you to sob at home alone.

 

In fact even if you'd slept with the other guy .... I wouldn't blame you or think you did wrong.

 

But forgetting him for a moment .... married men will ditch their mistresses at the last minute....so if you stay in this relationship.. buckle up and prepare for a lot more hurt

 

Know that he double dips.... because it's the nature of the beast that is an affair. I'm not talking right or wrong of an affair .... but why are sloppy seconds and not being the number 1 woman in your boyfriends life okay with you?

 

Why do you settle for it? What's so great about him that you couldn't get in another man... who wouldn't let you down at the 11th hour?

 

Now don't get me wrong ... you could meet a single guy who's a waste of time... but you'd see through it quicker as he wouldn't have the excuse of wife or kids.

 

Ask yourself ... aren't you worth being more than a dirty secret? I'll bet you can do way better.

 

Again, totally agree with everything here.

 

I think part of me deciding to engage in something like this is the fact that I moved to a new city and broke off my long term relationship with the guy I was supposed to marry this summer. Three weeks later I met my MM.

I was alone and there was a strong chemistry between us and we had common activities and interests. I would not say I was an easy target or anything like that as I am not naive but it might have not happened and I might have not crossed that line had I been surrounded by friends and family, and had any kind of support network.

 

I am worth and deserve much better, I know. He knows. That is why I wanted to keep looking for the love of my life (whatever that means) while meeting with him once or twice a week. If he is not strong enough to handle that... it is definitely not my loss.

[Ana-Iva]

Would it bother you less if he was perfectly okay with you sleeping with another man? This is one of the conundrums that an affair presents:

 

If he is jealous and possessive, he's a hypocrite. If he is perfectly fine with you dating others, he's a cavalier and uncaring ass. Not sure which is worse.

 

My xMM would say he was okay with it, because he knew that to say otherwise would be hypocritical. But his actions showed something different. For example, if he knew I had a date on the weekend, he would text me late that night to see if I was home and would answer. (He did not usually text on weekends, but would make an exception if he knew I was out with someone else.) He also once made a strange remark about knowing I dated other men and wanting to "shoot himself" when he thought about it. None of these are healthy responses, because there can be no healthy response to this unhealthy situation.

 

Hmmm... actually I think there is a healthy way to handle it. You mentioned two extremes. One in which a person does not care, and another in which jealous guy wants you to be controlled by him and faithful to him while he will not do the same for you (which is insane).

 

Healthy way would be to have all the emotions and feelings, but be able to put it aside to be able to enjoy your time with your affair partner. Manage your feelings, manage your pain, be in control of your emotions and don't let them control you. Be strong enough to do that, otherwise, if you are weak, you'll break. These kind of relationships are not good for everyone. And I wanted it to be good for me.

At first I could not, but eventually I learned to manage my emotions in this relationship. I had to learn if I wanted to be with him. And I did want because my feelings for him were strong enough to put myself through it and come out stronger. But he had such a weak display and broke down at the first sign of any negative feelings. Disappointing, in a way, as I always thought he is a stronger person than that. But it was just a facade.

 

I think he's been avoiding pain all his life, and hiding, while I faced things, took chances and lived with pain often, often by my own choice for certain purpose. NO PAIN - NO GAIN! I am used to managing these feelings. He might have been caught off guard with what happened. Perhaps he will eventually cool off and calm down and take some more objective perspective on the issue.

 

And to answer your question - no it would not bother me if he did not display any jealousy. I had open relationships before (but with single guys) where a lot of feelings was involved and we both never gave any guilt trips to one another about other people. I cannot say that either of us was perfectly fine with it, and that it did not sting, but those feelings were put aside for the greater good. So that we can be together.

 

I have never been in this situation before and I learned a lot from it.

Edited April 25, 2016 by Ana-Iva

[bathtub-row]

The truth is, most men are simply possessive and they live by a double standard. The possessiveness is nothing to be encouraged by; thinking it must really mean something. My xMM was jealous of any guy who looked my way. It meant nothing. I meant nothing. He's still in his miserable marriage and will stay there until one of them dies.

 

I think a lot of men get into affairs because they're bored; they're geared to chase and conquer women. It completely excites them, just as it excites women to be chased and conquered. Being in an affair soothes that need for the guy -- he never really has her, which he finds exciting, and the chase is often ongoing in his mind because there are periods of time when he doesn't have possession of her, or knowledge of the OW's whereabouts. And he wonders if she's doing the same things he's doing - such as sleeping with someone else. The OW stays engaged in these relationships because it's always intense and exciting. Between the two of them, it's a private, forbidden and never-ending game.

 

These affair relationships are insane for the OW. Some day, you're going to regret wasting your life and time on this person.

[anika99]

Thanks. Totally agree with everything you said.

Especially that neither of us have right to complain about other people. The key message is once again reciprocity. If I cannot complain, neither can he.

This was going to be open relationship and I have no clue what happened all of a sudden. It can be either mutually exclusive (which it wasn't) or mutually open. It cannot (!) be unilaterally faithful.

 

But I figured out he hits many traits of a certain spectrum personality disorder all of us are afraid to meet (and I will let you make your conclusion which disorder):

- Entitlement

- Creates drama when he is not the centre of my universe

- Loved the way I made him feel, not me

- Feelings and needs of others never matter much at all

- Not much empathy for anything

- No understanding for the principle of reciprocity

- Drawn to all things material which can show superiority

- Works very hard on keeping up appearances

- Divides people on those who have a lot of money and high social status and those who don't

- Lacks the ability of introspection and self-criticism

- Real intimacy comes from our willingness to be vulnerable with others and he hasn't got that ability, so he puts up a front of the way he wants to be seen

- Compensatory false self-image and comes off as quite conceded BUT...

- at the root of all this is deep feeling of inadequacy...

He was also emotionally neglected in childhood (told me his parents did not show much love to him and he never had heart to heart with his parents) so the trigger might be there.

 

Sometimes I thought I could sense some sadness in his face and eyes...Makes me want to give him a hug right now but I do steer clear of any codependency-induced relationships as I am very aware of my protective and nurturing nature.

 

Why would you think it was healthy for you to "manage" your pain so that you could spend time with such an awful person as you describe him to be. There is nothing healthy about ignoring pain so that you can remain in a dysfunctional relationship. That isn't facing up to pain, that is denying pain. Pain tells us that we are not happy and that something needs to change. Managing that pain so that you can avoid making a change isn't be strong and brave, it's actually acting in fear. I'd say you you were hiding from the pain of ending.

 

Reminds me of when I was younger and I would get a toothache but I had a fear of going to the dentist so I would "manage" my pain in order not to face my fear. Of course this never worked long term as eventually the pain would overwhelm me and outweigh my phobia. If your MM took the pain he felt as a sign that he needs to end the affair I wouldn't necessarily say that action alone was unhealthy of him. Based on what you have said he is obviously unhealthy for a lot of reasons. For one thing he's been living a double life and lying to his loved ones. That can't be healthy so if he has decided that it's too painful and he can't do it anymore then I would say he has taken a small step in the right direction.

[Ana-Iva]

Why would you think it was healthy for you to "manage" your pain so that you could spend time with such an awful person as you describe him to be. There is nothing healthy about ignoring pain so that you can remain in a dysfunctional relationship. That isn't facing up to pain, that is denying pain. Pain tells us that we are not happy and that something needs to change. Managing that pain so that you can avoid making a change isn't be strong and brave, it's actually acting in fear. I'd say you you were hiding from the pain of ending.

 

Reminds me of when I was younger and I would get a toothache but I had a fear of going to the dentist so I would "manage" my pain in order not to face my fear. Of course this never worked long term as eventually the pain would overwhelm me and outweigh my phobia. If your MM took the pain he felt as a sign that he needs to end the affair I wouldn't necessarily say that action alone was unhealthy of him. Based on what you have said he is obviously unhealthy for a lot of reasons. For one thing he's been living a double life and lying to his loved ones. That can't be healthy so if he has decided that it's too painful and he can't do it anymore then I would say he has taken a small step in the right direction.

 

That is an interesting and unique take on the topic.

 

However, things are really related to simpler issues. Possessiveness and jealousy, both sign of insecurity.

 

It is not like either of us had to live in a pain all the time, just on those rare days... and it also gets easier to handle it. In the meanwhile it is all wonderful and fun.

It is not like I am afraid of pain of losing him. I am not. I lost so many people in my life to death, and have a few broken long term relationships... I survived and got stronger after each. So surviving him would be a walk in the park in relative terms in my life.

It is just that we could have so much fun together and he is missing out on all that because he cannot handle the fact that as a married man he cannot be the only one in my life.

[Ana-Iva]

Anika, here is one of the most interesting characters these days saying something about the topic... he is so different and weird that i like some of his views on politics, love, life

[stilltrying16]

Is that Slavoj Zizek? I'm a big fan. Thank you for posting the link!

 

On the o question you asked, Ana-Iva, my answer is no. He has no right to limit your social interaction.

 

I read an advice book for OW - I was just curious. It's free on amazonkindle. The book is focused on giving OWs strategies to live by, and so it's generally supportive of them. This author made a very big case for the OW to keep her social life vibrant. It is very much in the MM's interest that she gets isolated: that way she is always available when he wants her, and there is less risk of his secret getting out.

 

Consciously or unconsciously, a particular type of MM will set out to isolate the OW. I'm not sure your MM thinks this way, but if he doesn't follow this pattern yet, he might be drawn to it later. He needs to be aware when it is happening and to pull back.

 

And if the MM goes back to his wife, and she agrees to reconcile, then slowly but surely she will get isolated as well. She will become the keeper of his secret- which means she can't tell people she loves (because they'll turn on him), which means she distances herself from them emotionally.

 

It sucks for both OW and BW and I consider it a very despicable thing for the MM to do. It's dehumanizing and it cuts women off from their support network. It ends in terrible isolation. So IMO it sucks.

 

Kudos for resisting!

Edited April 27, 2016 by stilltrying16

[anika99]

Anika, here is one of the most interesting characters these days saying something about the topic... he is so different and weird that i like some of his views on politics, love, life

 

 

That was an excellent snippet and I agree very much with it, however not sure what that has to do with this discussion as he seemed to be driving home the point that people don't really want what they think they want, not advocating affairs or saying accepting unnecessary pain is healthy.

 

 

I also agree the possessiveness and jealousy are not healthy emotions and signs of insecurity, however most monogamous people will not accept infidelity. If their partner steps outside the relationship they will most certainly feel jealousy and then they have to decide what they are going to do about it. Most people would either demand that their partner stop the affair or they would kick the cheater to the curb. Are you saying the jealous BS who divorces because they do not accept infidelity is unhealthy and insecure? Do you think an affair is healthy for an MM when it requires that he live a double live and tell lies to the people who trust him? Do you tell everyone about your affair relationship? Do you think a relationship that has to be hidden and secret is healthy? Lastly you describe him as being a terrible human being. Do you think it is healthy to endure pain for the sake of spending time with a narcissistic, selfish, lacking empathy, shallow, lying cheater?

[ladydesigner]

The truth is, most men are simply possessive and they live by a double standard. The possessiveness is nothing to be encouraged by

 

Omg yes!!!!!

[ladydesigner]

OP do not let this MM dictate your life in any way. Live it on your terms!

[WasOtherWoman]

When I was an OW i always made sure that my MM thought I was dating other people. He didn't like it, but never said anything because he knew exactly what I would say if he did.

 

In fact, I didn't tell him too much of anything. I told him the day his life became an open book to me, I would extend him the same courtesy. Until then he could just keep his opinions about what I was doing to himself

 

He didn't like it and really hated not being intimately involved in my life.

[stilltrying16]

When I was an OW i always made sure that my MM thought I was dating other people. He didn't like it, but never said anything because he knew exactly what I would say if he did.

 

In fact, I didn't tell him too much of anything. I told him the day his life became an open book to me, I would extend him the same courtesy. Until then he could just keep his opinions about what I was doing to himself

 

He didn't like it and really hated not being intimately involved in my life.

 

Love this.

[WasOtherWoman]

Love this.

 

He says I was very disagreeable as an OW.

[Gloria25]

No, ignore his butt...

 

Gotta love it. The MM/WS wants you to be there at their beck and call while they get the whole enchilada.

 

I'm ignoring my quasi-EA neighbor. He's throwing a hissy fit when fact is he threw me to the waste side and I spent almost three years entangled in his game. I was home, alone, etc. - while he cuddled up to her every nite, had sex with her, put a kid in her, built a life with her.

 

But "somehow" he's gonna get pissy just cuz I'm having sex with someone (finally)

 

Can anyone say "narcissist"?

 

[]

Edited April 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off-topic language redacted ~6

[waterwoman]

I liked that snippet and agree with it 100%. 'Happiness' is an entirely fleeting thing. We think we work towards it and while we are working for it we are 'happy' but once we have got it it's gone. I recognised very many years ago that I enjoy things far more in prospect than in reality - my happiness comes from doing not being. The best we can aim for on any kind of permanent basis is contentment and hope.

[Gloria25]

He says I was very disagreeable as an OW.

 

Ooooh, shame on you...

 

How dare you stand up to him

[ShatteredLady]

StillTrying16.

 

"And if the MM goes back to his wife, and she agrees to reconcile, then slowly but surely she will get isolated as well. She will become the keeper of his secret- which means she can't tell people she loves (because they'll turn on him), which means she distances herself from them emotionally."

 

This is so very, very true! Thank you. This is a little discussed thing & yet another thing that OW & BS have in common to deal with. I have become completely isolated by my H's affair & behavior towards me. It's even damaged my relationship with my Mum & Dad. I live in the USA & they are home in England. I've always spent hours on the phone with my Mum (to be honest we were the same when we lived in the same town!) but how do you talk to someone who you tell 'everything' when the ONE thing that's completely consuming your brain can't be mentioned! It's reached the stage that they're upset & I'm lying. I didn't even lie to them as a teenager (much) I hate it but I feel emotionally paralyzed.

 

I also live with this fear that I will burst into tears at the slightest trigger so I haven't socialized with my friends at all. I've got plans to see a friend who I haven't seen in over a year & I'm terrified! My H did something incredibly cruel last Mother's Day & every other advert is a HUGE trigger for me!

 

I feel so pathetic & so very alone. My family & closest friends are all in England. We're moving back & again, I'm terrified because EVERYONE thinks we are the perfect couple & go on & on about it. We've been together since age 21 & 22. All our friends coupled & settled down well in their 30's, a couple divorced, some still single. Ugh!! I just know I'm going to loose it & burst into tears AND I won't be able to explain why!! CRAZY LADY!! I'm so scared.

 

They KNOW me & wont be so easily fooled by me 'faking it'.

 

Anyway, back to the subject. NEVER let anyone isolate you from your support system! I made the HUGE mistake, in hindsight, of moving from England too the USA for my H's job. NEVER underestimate the importance of those people who love you so much that you can take them for granted!

 

When "Just the 2 of us" becomes "Just the 1 of me" it's crippling & you start to realize how much of 'you' you have really lost & you feel so very small & broken.

 

My first trip home was the most amazing high!!

 

Never avoid those people out of embarrassment or whatever. You'll realize that you haven't been with your loves as much as you did before....don't let it happen. The moment they wrap their arms around you you will feel so much better.

[Cymbeline]

There is no need for a bs to isolate themselves in this way. Affairs happen in so many marriages and expat life offers particular stresses. There can be few who do not understand that life's ups and downs make some people behave badly.

 

Friends and family will forgive if they know you want that. I think keeping his secret is bad for your mental health. I have a great group of friends. I over shared really . I knew at the time I was over sharing but the benefit at the time outweighed fthe future cost.

 

I believe it still does so when I flinch at just how much some people know I remember the strength which came from their listening and talking. It was immense. I limited what I told my own family due to their protectiveness but friends were priceless. Maybe you could rethink this?

[Ana-Iva]

Thanks for sharing Shattered Lady.

 

I feel sorry for his wife (whom I hope is sleeping around as well instead going through what you have and still are going through). I knew him for 3 month - she is with him for 30 years! He is incapable of taking other person into account when it conflicts with anything he wants and feels. I cannot imagine living with someone like that and she must be having a hell of a hard time unless she has the same NPD as him. She probably does not know anything better and as been with him since her early twenties I recon. If he is controlling her and passing it off as "I care for you" that might be something she never had anything to compare to. That is the only treatment she knows. Oh yes, and if she knew better, she would know that most men have average size penis that can achieve full erection and be rock hard, and stay hard throughout sex. Hope she has not missed on actually average guy sleeping all her life with a guy who has small and thin penis and who is cheating on her.

He has been cheating on her all their marriage and had many affairs throughout, from the very start. If I knew she would be happier without him, I would definitely go tell her and face the music, take responsibility for my part in it... Oh I really hope she is not letting him control her as he was trying to control me.

 

This is the first MM I have ever gotten involved with, and I know what made a difference... new city, new people, nobody to talk to, broken long-term relationship just a few weeks before I met him, no wonder... I broke all my principles.

 

I am right now on my way out to be on the team with him as we are members of the same social club. Someone else organized this and i will not give up my life to avoid him. It is two of us against two other people. First time seeing him since he pulled that weak possessive act on me last weekend.

 

Drama TBC...

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Katyp]

I still carried on with my social life and my MM never minded at all as I was single. However he said he would never ever forgive me if ever I got pregnant by another man but I never understood why that was as he had two children and a wife of his own anyway.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I still carried on with my social life and my MM never minded at all as I was single. However he said he would never ever forgive me if ever I got pregnant by another man but I never understood why that was as he had two children and a wife of his own anyway.

 

That's seriously effed up......

[Katyp]

Yep I agree.It was weird. And after 7yrs of being in the affair I finished with him and the affair was over in an instant. I never had to enforce the NC rule as he never once tried contacting me afterwards.

[Poppy47]

Yep I agree.It was weird. And after 7yrs of being in the affair I finished with him and the affair was over in an instant. I never had to enforce the NC rule as he never once tried contacting me afterwards.

 

Hi Katy

 

I was in an A for 7years also. Had many breakds and always got back together again.

 

Did you just make up your mind one day to walk away from him? I would love to know your story but can't private message you yet.

 

Poppy.

[Katyp]

Hi Katy

 

I was in an A for 7years also. Had many breakds and always got back together again.

 

Did you just make up your mind one day to walk away from him? I would love to know your story but can't private message you yet.

 

Poppy.

 

I would love to share my story with you and hear yours. I don't have the confidence to share my story on here though. I'm still trying to make sense of it after all this time.