Why do [married men] cheat?

[joystickd]

They do. I said "people", not "men".

You are offended? I was responding to the title of this thread and the fact it was a bitter woman's man bashing thread or a round about way of doing that without seeming to come off as bitter.

[jenkins95]

Men, more than women, have the ability to compartmentalize so when an opportunity for easy sex comes along, some men can separate sex from love. Twisted logic but one that some subscribe to.

 

Absolutely right Michelle! One only has to look at history to confirm this. Wherever men have had the chance to legally sleep around - they have done! Look at the English kings.....George I, II, III, IV, Charles II, Henry VIII, etc. They could barely keep their pants on - simply because they were allowed! If anyone didn't like it, they would end up literally with their head on a block. I mean Henry VIII basically invented divorce and created his own church just so that he could legally keep up his pursuit of women, two of whom were eventually beheaded when he'd had enough! Some on the French kings, including Louis XV, had a state sponsored harem called "the deer park" maintained for the King's personal amusement while much of France was starving and about to revolt. There was even a guy whose job it was to make sure none of them got pregnant. The mind boggles at how his 9 to 5 job played out! Look at the Egyptians - Ramesses II had around 100 children, in some cases his own daughters were the mothers!

 

The point is, there's nothing genetically special about these kings. They are normal men and they did it simply because they could! What would I do in their situation? I can't say without being in that position, but quite possibly I would be the same (without the beheadings or sleeping with daughters! I do have some standards!)

[elaine567]

You are offended? I was responding to the title of this thread and the fact it was a bitter woman's man bashing thread or a round about way of doing that without seeming to come off as bitter.

 

Why would I be offended?

I was merely stating the fact I had not differentiated the genders.

Seems that the title and subject of the thread does actually offend you though.

 

I think the topic is pertinent to the group, as this forum is full of OW with hardly an OM in sight.

[Liam1]

I know there are a million reasons as to why MM cheat. I guess I'm looking more for everyone's personal experiences here.

 

If you're the OW or BS, what did MM tell you or what do you believe are the reasons for the affair?

 

If you're the MM, what were your reasons or what do you think led you to stray?

 

Did it ever "just happen" for anyone?

 

I think each marriage is unique so it is very difficult to generalize about the reasons a married man would cheat.

 

Still I belong to a BAN (beyond affairs network group) So I hear a lot of the stories about why a man had an affair.

 

There is ALWAYS a reason, given the man is not a psychopath or a sociopath. I had a reason.

 

Bear in mind that the people I am talking about are the types to seek help given that they are attending a BAN meeting as a couple trying to save their marriage.

 

Typically all the WS's at the BAN meetings mention a breakdown in the marriage.

 

Almost always the person who has had an affair has said that they tried to communicate the issue many times but the other spouse refused to acknowledge any faults and refused counseling to address it.

 

These WS's often say they feel trapped in a no win situation given the BS would not even acknowledge or hear their complaint. Nor would they confront themselves in counseling.

 

In many of the situations, particularly with the couples that attend a BAN meeting, the BS will admit at the meeting that they were engaging in exactly the behavior the WS described. They also often say they now regret refusing counseling.

 

So in those cases there is definitely a reason for the affair and not just an excuse.

 

An excuse is an imagined or made up reason.

 

Bottom line, though, if a person is not a psychopath or a sociopath, there is typically a reason why they are unhappy enough with the marriage to seek or be open to an affair.

 

Typically, at least among the BAN couples, the BS has been emotionally abusive to the WS for many many years by dismissing or belittling the WS's concerns or requests for counseling.

 

Those reasons may include emotional abuse through dismissing and belittling the WS concerns for too long, or lack of physical affection, or the one spouse who was once impeccable about their person, suddenly becomes slovenly but no matter how many times the WS has tried to address this issue, the BS simply dismisses the WS concern.

 

Also some men complain that the wife is aggressively verbally abusive in the they may call the man a loser for not earning more money, or being alpha enough or are being constantly compared to other men in the family or neighborhood whom their wives appear to admire more.

 

Typically there are a many good things in the marriage but then there are also many bad things. But there is usually a reason why a normal married man will cheat.

 

I don't think that someone should stay in a marriage where physical abuse is taking place. It's too dangerous. It's also a crime to injure others by hitting them.

[Noideanow]

Absolutely right Michelle! One only has to look at history to confirm this. Wherever men have had the chance to legally sleep around - they have done! Look at the English kings.....George I, II, III, IV, Charles II, Henry VIII, etc. They could barely keep their pants on - simply because they were allowed! If anyone didn't like it, they would end up literally with their head on a block. I mean Henry VIII basically invented divorce and created his own church just so that he could legally keep up his pursuit of women, two of whom were eventually beheaded when he'd had enough! Some on the French kings, including Louis XV, had a state sponsored harem called "the deer park" maintained for the King's personal amusement while much of France was starving and about to revolt. There was even a guy whose job it was to make sure none of them got pregnant. The mind boggles at how his 9 to 5 job played out! Look at the Egyptians - Ramesses II had around 100 children, in some cases his own daughters were the mothers!

 

The point is, there's nothing genetically special about these kings. They are normal men and they did it simply because they could! What would I do in their situation? I can't say without being in that position, but quite possibly I would be the same (without the beheadings or sleeping with daughters! I do have some standards!)

 

There are men out there out there able to fall in love with a woman and only want her, i have heard about them and am optimistic to find one:)

Not to be evil to you but i would not in a million years want a man that only was true to me because of moral or its illegal not to be:( he should want me and only me:love:or Im out:cool: and i bet you wouldnt want a woman to be true to you or sleep with you only, only because she HAS to, all along wanting and dreaming about other men (or women;))? Or maybe you would:)

Those men you are talking about (and yourself) maybe had reasons not to love or be true to their wives that you have no clue about, just sayin:cool: one thing is an image another thing is the reality behind closed doors

[wmacbride]

There are some men, and women ans well, who have an affair during a time of extreme stress or even mental illness.

 

That's the case with my husband. He was suffering from combat related PTSD, and back then, people didn't talk about it much. you were supposed to just suck it up and go on.

 

He had gone from being a cheerful, loving guy who was fun to be with to someone who was prone to brooding sadness, anger, and deep depression. He started sleeping on the floor by our bed and would wake up in a cold sweat with tears on his face, though I didn't recognize it at the time, he was considering self harm.

 

h had a very brief affair right before his most recent deployment, and when he got back, we had a lot of intensive counseling and therapy, both as a couple and him as an individual. In many ways, his A was an escape from his own mind and problems, almost a form of self medication.

 

Just as with most forms of self medication, it didn't address the underlying issues.

[mellywell]

You are offended? I was responding to the title of this thread and the fact it was a bitter woman's man bashing thread or a round about way of doing that without seeming to come off as bitter.

 

Actually, I read it as a very hurt woman who really wanted to know why married men cheat. I think it is a legitimate question. If a man started a thread asking why married women cheat, especially in the wake of being hurt by a woman and seeking answers, I would consider that a very legitimate question too. The sad truth is that people - both men and women - sometimes behave hurtfully and badly. Stating that fact and/or asking why is not bashing.

 

I think there are two layers of answers. Layer one is why someone SAYS or convinces themselves they cheated. This can be anything from boredom to discontent to "living with a shrew" to being sexually starved to regretting the marriage to a high school sweetheart at 19.

 

Below that layer, well those answers only come to a WS who is capable of honest introspection. And the answer is almost always a variable of this:

 

I was too selfish to cope in an ethical way with what I did not like. I decided that what I wanted was more important than my spouse or my promises.

[RecentChange]

Some merely want variety, many people are not monogamous at heart.

They roll out the excuses to justify why they cheat, but the truth is they just want more sexual partners.

Given the opportunity and an excuse, they grab it.

 

I would say this was the case with my married man.

 

Honestly, he didn't even fabricate any excuses. In addition to saying it was "selfish" and "my wife doesn't deserve it" - he said that he didn't feel that a single person could satisfy every need - basically questioned the notion of monogamy. The opportunity and attraction was there - and it happened.

 

Men, more than [many] women, have the ability to compartmentalize so when an opportunity for easy sex comes along, some men can separate sex from love. Twisted logic but one that some subscribe to.

 

There - I edited that for you. There are women who compartmentalize with the best of them. I do, I know others that do as well - as unsavory as that is to many. Actually, time and I again I have run into men who CLAIM that they do - when they "catch the feels" just like women do.

 

And it is perhaps a twisted logic - OM and myself made a verbal agreement to keep feelings out of it - consciously chose to compartmentalize.

 

Now, why did my guy cheat?! Different reason - totally wasn't about easy access to sex, but emotional reasons....

[heartwhole]

The reverse can be true in some cases, too. We're it not for an over large sense of duty, my father would have left my mother years before the A, and sought his happiness in a R openly with someone else. But because he felt an obligation towards keeping his family intact (until we left home), he stayed. And was vulnerable to an A.

 

And I think pretty much the same dynamic affected my H. Had he not felt a sense of duty toward his (traumatised) kids, he would not have taken his xW back when she begged, or would have kicked her out when she reverted to the toxic behaviour she promised to address if he took her back, etc. Instead, he put up with all of that "for the kids", until they were old enough for him to leave.

 

I can't speak to your particular experiences, but the research I've read indicates that most married men who cheat are happy with their marriages. The author of Not Just Friends did years of anonymous surveys and this was her finding. Women, however, are more likely to say they are unhappy before entering an affair.

 

I believe that the noble husband/toxic wife dynamic is the exception to the rule, but nearly every OW believes it applies to her MM. How many healthy, selfless men unwittingly married and had children with women who were so toxic they could not be helped with therapy? And how many affairs occur in an innocuous vacuum and don't negatively impact a marriage that could have been salvaged had a third person not been thrown into the mix?

 

Shirley Glass also finds that having a parent who committed adultery is a predictor for adultery, so a father choosing to stay in a M for the kids is not without its consequences. Rather than demonstrating healthy choices and healthy relationships, he's saying, "It's OK to change the rules if you don't like how the other person acts." Of course, I'm sure there are women with such severe issues and deep personality disorders that they cannot be helped, but as a rule they are a small percentage of the population. Distilling your argument down, I get to, "I cheated on you because I'm so selfless," and I just don't buy it.

 

In my own experience, life stressors and poor coping skills did cause genuine unhappiness in my husband. He has trouble with conflict and gave me little indication of what was going on beneath the surface. It was only after he had entered the affair and sought IC for himself that he realized he should have asked me to go to MC, but he recognized the hypocrisy of doing so when he was in an A, and he didn't want to give up his OW to whom he was attached. Thus he waited until DD and only when forced to choose did he give her up and tell me all the reasons he was unhappy. A year later, he would tell you that it absolutely was not worth it, that he was wrong when he thought he was justified in having an A, that if he had known how much we could improve simply by communicating and going to MC, that he would have never chosen such a dead-end road that wasn't fair to any of the three of us.

 

Now, of course, maybe the argument is that I was so complacent or flawed or myopic that I would not have put any real effort into working on my marriage if I weren't shocked to discover that he was halfway to replacing me. I would counter that I am a self-aware person, that I have healthy coping skills, that I have genuine goodwill towards my husband and others. I would counter that the life stressors that made my husband unhappy were also making me unhappy, but that I did not use that unhappiness as an excuse to break my word or change the rules. I would counter that it is not incumbent upon me to read my husband's mind and anticipate the conflicts he is holding within; rather, it is for him to figure out what he needs and wants and to seek those things in a healthy manner.

[elaine567]

I agree some women compartmentalise too.

They are not all soft fluffy bunnies who would be blown over in a breath of wind... duped by the evil MM, or spirited away by the charms of an OM...

[minimariah]

The marriage being totally dead makes it relatively easier to let go and move on.

 

not necessarily... that actually makes sense, right? it is easier to leave a dead marriage, completely without intimacy and love and communication... but you wouldn't believe how many people still struggle. especially when there are kids involved. divorce is very complex... it's basically admitting a failure - in a way - and finally abandoning an entire DREAM. leaving is hard.

 

So, as disturbing as it may sound what the cheater is doing subconsciously is saying to the BS:

 

"I cheated on you, because I love you".

 

as a BS... i will be totally honest - i cannot put an affair and love in the same sentence. i mean, i understand that there are folks out there who love their spouses but... it doesn't make sense to me. to me, love doesn't exist without respect (romantic one) and an affair is the ultimate disrespect.

 

with cheating i hear two things - i cheated on you because i don't love you anymore + i cheated on you because i'm really angry at you and this is your wake up call.

[minimariah]

Did it ever "just happen" for anyone?

 

sure. many people who had an affair - didn't look for it. it really did just happen to them, one day they woke up and realized they were in love. sounds really foolish but it does happen - usually for folks who spend a lot of time together at work or something like that and slowly develop a connection.

[RecentChange]

[quote=minimariah;6873268

with cheating i hear two things - i cheated on you because i don't love you anymore + i cheated on you because i'm really angry at you and this is your wake up call.

 

I didn't initially set out to cheat. I didn't think I had any reasons to cheat. I thought I was happy in my relationship, and our sex life.

 

Just basically decided to be selfish and have my cake and eat it too....

 

It wasn't until I stepped out (and later D day), that I realized.... Oh yeah, things aren't perfect, I was resentful, a wake up call was REALLY needed.

 

It seems like a no brainer looking back- That I was so open to temptation for a reason. I never really questioned by I always resisted in the past - but not this time. Any by that, I am in no way blaming my BS.

[cocorico]

I can't speak to your particular experiences, but the research I've read indicates that most married men who cheat are happy with their marriages. The author of Not Just Friends did years of anonymous surveys and this was her finding. Women, however, are more likely to say they are unhappy before entering an affair.

 

I believe that the noble husband/toxic wife dynamic is the exception to the rule, but nearly every OW believes it applies to her MM. How many healthy, selfless men unwittingly married and had children with women who were so toxic they could not be helped with therapy? And how many affairs occur in an innocuous vacuum and don't negatively impact a marriage that could have been salvaged had a third person not been thrown into the mix?

 

Shirley Glass also finds that having a parent who committed adultery is a predictor for adultery, so a father choosing to stay in a M for the kids is not without its consequences. Rather than demonstrating healthy choices and healthy relationships, he's saying, "It's OK to change the rules if you don't like how the other person acts." Of course, I'm sure there are women with such severe issues and deep personality disorders that they cannot be helped, but as a rule they are a small percentage of the population. Distilling your argument down, I get to, "I cheated on you because I'm so selfless," and I just don't buy it.

 

Both of my parents committed adultery. I have been married twice and have not committed adultery. My H's xW had at least two As, but neither of her parents had engaged in infidelity. A "predictor" doesn't always predict.

 

Perhaps "noble husband / toxic wife" is an exception to whatever rule, I have no idea - I have never seen the rule book. All I have is the evidence of his family's judgment, amassed over all the decades of his life, having watched him before, during and after his M; the evidence of his kids, who lived in the house and observed the dynamic daily; the evidence in her own letters, emails, photos and diaries she left here; the observations of professionals; the perspectives of longstanding friends, colleagues, neighbours.

 

You can strawman the "argument" all you like - fact is, if duty / obligation did not loom so large for some men, they would bail a lot sooner, cutting their losses and freeing themselves for other, healthy Rs. Having an A may not seem like an unselfish choice, but when D seems like a more selfish one, it can be perceived by the desperate as the lesser of two evils.

[joystickd]

NO one answered why married women cheat.

[purplesorrow]

NO one answered why married women cheat.

 

Because they want to. Just like the married men that cheat. They want to, they can so they do.

[S2B]

They cheat because they can...especially when they think they won't get caught or have consequences.

[dreamingoftigers]

NO one answered why married women cheat.

 

I must have misread the thread title.

 

If your point was that MW cheat too and we're aiming at equality, fine.

 

I had (emphasis on had) a married woman friend who cheated. I honestly think it was pretty much because she figured some dude should come along and take care of her. Her husband did, but he was also an arse. He didn't deserve what happened to him though. I think she used cheating as a sort of test-run audition. She slept with her husband's brother and got together with him. Then in a very short time-period, skipped to a friend of his. Then, as she was LIVING with the friend for six months, abd completely leeching off of him, she got together with that guy's best friend.

 

So did you follow that? She went from husband > husband's brother > husband's brothers friend > husband's brothers friend's best friend

 

Somewhere in there she also had a threesome with one of my former staff members, who, well, she was pretty yucky too.

 

All in about a year. I think she is still with the last guy. I heard she was pregnant. But that last guy is a 'I am the man, so I provide" type of guy. And I think neither one is strict on monogamy. I think she just traded up until she found one she thought she could click with 'enough' that didn't criticize her 'parenting.' Oh yeah, she had two children. Ha. Those poor kids.

 

I see many MM do similar stuff, but they tend to wahtbyo settle into two relationships. I think my ex-friend would have done the same if the guys hadn't kicked her arse to the curb each time.

 

I think MW and MM are often looking for 'something' relief maybe from 'something' that they aren't good about figuring out or articulating, often until after they start cheating.

 

I think often it doesn't even have much to do with their spouse.

[jenkins95]

There are men out there out there able to fall in love with a woman and only want her, i have heard about them and am optimistic to find one:)

 

I wish you nothing but the very best of luck with this N. There are good men out there, and there is sure to be the right one for you. Come and post here about it when you find him - we will all be delighted for you.

 

Those men you are talking about (and yourself) maybe had reasons not to love or be true to their wives that you have no clue about, just sayin:cool: one thing is an image another thing is the reality behind closed doors

 

Mmmmm, not sure I agree with you on that one N! Are you saying that these Kings only strayed because of genuine problems within their marriages? That perhaps only after months of MC sessions, heartfelt talks and years of desperately trying, they finally realised and accepted that their marriages couldn't work and went out to seek happiness elsewhere?

 

I prefer my explanation that they slept with anyone and everyone they could simply because they could!

 

Sorry for the sarcasm, but I am honestly trying to raise a genuine point here. Kings, emperors, etc, etc make up a minute fraction of the population, but they present us with a unique experiment. How do men behave when there are absolutely no boundaries, where they can do whatever they want with nothing or no one to hold them back or stand in their way? It turns out that in a large number of cases, they are very promiscuous.

 

Society would completely collapse if everyone had this unfettered freedom, but viewing the behaviour of these privileged few gives us a window on the basic nature of man at a biological level. If I personally happened to be born into the body of a 16th century English King, I probably would have behaved the same.

 

Even though Henry VIII had this freedom, he was not obliged to exercise it. He could have stayed true to his first wife, worked through his issues, gone to couples counselling, opened an LS account, etc. But he didn't. he didn't have to. He was King - he could do whatever he wanted....and he did!

 

I am not a King! But there is an element of this in what I did. On one level, I sought excitement and thrills "because I could" and because I thought I could get away with it. Simple as that.

 

Not to be evil to you but i would not in a million years want a man that only was true to me because of moral or its illegal not to be:( he should want me and only me:love:or Im out:cool: and i bet you wouldnt want a woman to be true to you or sleep with you only, only because she HAS to, all along wanting and dreaming about other men (or women;))? Or maybe you would:)

 

I absolutely agree with you, but I think this misses the point slightly. I want to be truthful and honest to my wife because I love her and I want to commit to her. I betrayed her once and I deeply regret that and want to become a better person for it and make up for my errors. The point is, I am a biological entity - if I see an attractive woman, I feel attraction and hormonal changes happen in my body - it's simple biology. This doesn't mean that I am exclusive to my wife because I am being forced against my will. It just means that society only works if we do not allow ourselves to be slaves to our biology, and great happiness and satisfaction can come from such a commitment, we take a pride in being exclusive, loving and faithful, despite our biology. If it was not an effort and we could just switch off our biological urges, then we would never have had need for legal protection in this area - such as marriage certificates.

 

The Kings that I mentioned - they are a very special case. They are basically above the law and could do what they wanted, including indulging their biological urges whenever they felt like it. And not every one of them did. I am sure that there have been many completely faithful monogamous Kings. Also, I doubt this lifestyle brought unconditional happiness and joy. From what I've read, Henry VIII had quite a tumultuous life and wrestled with depression, anger and mood swings. Maybe that kind of life is more of a curse than a privilege.

 

I don't want to leave women out of this argument too. I'm sure there were promiscuous Queens throughout history too, and I believe that Catherine the Great of Russia was one of them. But just as we see in the general population, fewer privileged women appear to have taken this route than men.

Edited April 20, 2016 by jenkins95

[ashley1992]

thats true... it seems more common in men than women.. for women its regarding emotions and for men its about sex. As with my personal experiance, there hadnt been anything wrong with the relationship.. until one night he was drunk with a few boys and went to a brothel... i guess he liked the excitement and feeling of it? and perhaps became attached?

 

it really has nothing to do with the women/wife/partner/girlfriend in some cases. its purely a selfish act and inability to control the urge. however it can be destructive to many. its like they want their cake and eat it too!! unbelievable!

[yellowhibiscus]

Men and women both cheat because of the ego boost they feel when they have someone interested in them. My father was a serial cheater on my mother. He blamed her because she paid more attention to the children than to him. Most of the time, I think it is because people lack the ability to communicate their feelings in a healthy way so they grow more distant to each other, self esteem starts to erode and then when someone new pays attention to them, they begin to feel better about themselves. My dad has had 3 different marriages and you can see the patterns that start to form.

[Lois_Griffin]

NO one answered why married women cheat.

Start your OWN thread about it, then. This isn't YOUR thread, the title is asking why MARRIED MEN cheat.

 

I think some of the biggest reasons are opportunity, desire for excitement, sexual variety, an escape from everyday boring life, a desire to feel needed and wanted, the ego boost they get from someone loving them and wanting to be with them, and a desire for romance and passion.

 

There doesn't always have to be something 'missing' from a marriage to drive a man to cheat. There are a good many of them who feel deprived because they want sexual variety and monogamy doesn't afford them that option. It's not because their wives won't have sex with them.

 

There's a comical expression that probably has a grain of truth to it - "women want one man to cater to all their needs while men want MANY women to cater to their one need."

[Toodaloo]

While there are many reasons I think they fall into a few basic categories;

 

1. Naraccist - Person conducting the affair is selfish and wants to have cake and eat it

2. Communication - Person conducting the affair feels unloved, neglected etc

3. Health - Person conducting the affair is not in a good mental state - abuse, nervous break downs etc.

 

Personally I feel that many people stay together long after they should have split up. Normally long after children arrive etc. When they are honest with themselves and their partners and gain true communication they realise that they should not have been together long enough to have children and that problems were there long before rings on fingers etc.

 

Hands up I am guilty of this too. But when I look back. I have to say 2 and 3 are the only times I have seriously thought and been tempted to cheat on a partner. Both were prevented by recognising the issue and dealing with it (then splitting up anyway!). Ex partners have cheated for all three of the above, I know others who have and could be placed in one of those categories, even if they did flower it up to make it look pretty or more complex... when you strip it away to the bare basics one of those three is what it boiled down to.

[understand50]

Joystickd,

 

Yes please start your own thread, but again the answer is the same as men.

 

Because they want to.

 

Maybe just for the Moment, but we live in a free society, no one is forced, to cheat, this is not beyond anyone's control. They may regret it later, make excuses, but it all comes down to they wanted to have sex out side the marriage.

 

I will add another point, most enjoyed the sex and had a good time.

 

One of the big things a BS must come to terms with is the two above ideas. No rose colored glasses, no thinking otherwise, just the realization, that your loved one wanted to cheat, and could cheat, so they did and enjoyed it.

 

Deep thinking about why, can be useful to healing, or to not cheat again, but be honest, about wanting too at the time.

 

My two cents.

 

NO one answered why married women cheat.

 

Start your OWN thread about it, then. This isn't YOUR thread, the title is asking why MARRIED MEN cheat.

 

I think some of the biggest reasons are opportunity, desire for excitement, sexual variety, an escape from everyday boring life, a desire to feel needed and wanted, the ego boost they get from someone loving them and wanting to be with them, and a desire for romance and passion.

 

There doesn't always have to be something 'missing' from a marriage to drive a man to cheat. There are a good many of them who feel deprived because they want sexual variety and monogamy doesn't afford them that option. It's not because their wives won't have sex with them.

 

There's a comical expression that probably has a grain of truth to it - "women want one man to cater to all their needs while men want MANY women to cater to their one need."

[ASG]

Some merely want variety, many people are not monogamous at heart.

They roll out the excuses to justify why they cheat, but the truth is they just want more sexual partners.

Given the opportunity and an excuse, they grab it.

 

I have to agree. At least with the guys I asked, this was basically the jist of it.

 

They also liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of not being caught.

 

It never had anything to do with a fault in their relationship, as when I asked, "but then, why don't you break up/divorce her?" they would always say their relationship was great and they didn't want to end it at all and were happy.

 

But they wanted/needed more.