How long did it take for you to get over your first love

[geronimo]

As the title says, how long did it take everyone?

 

My ex and I were eachothers first loves and dated for about 5 years. Sadly it's been quite a while since we broke up, I thought I would be well over it by now but it's not the case. We broke up nov of 2014 so it's been about a year and a half. I have been in complete NC since July of last year.

 

She jumped into a relationship pretty much right after we broke up and I heard they're still together. It sucks being replaced like that especially by someone you loved so much and had such strong feelings for.

 

I have been trying to get in shape, and change my life for the better but being in school still kinda takes most of my time.

 

What finally got u guys to move on and forget your ex's?

[jen1447]

Time. You need to be able to forget the immediacy of the loss, not the person altogether, and the way you do that is thru time and distance and perspective. (And the second two come from the first one.)

 

Took me a very long time to get to the point of genuinely not caring (way more than ~18 months), and my subconscious might still disagree w/that finding if my dreams are any indication. But yeah no don't feel too bad.

 

Closure helps btw, tho most ppl don't get it. Is that sth that's not happening in your case?

[BC1980]

It took me about a year. We dated for 2, but it was long distance. It was sort of an innocent love, but I was crazy about him. I ended up meeting someone else, which instantly took my mind off my ex. That's probably not the best way to do things though.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I didn't meet my first love until I was 26, even though I had 3 prior relationships (which were quite dull really).

 

She was the first girl I ever fell for in that crazy scary way. We were together for 11 months, and it took me a solid 10 months to get over her enough before I considered myself ok again. It's now 10 years on, and she still crosses my mind every day without fail. But only in a cold, factual way. It's funny, at the time I was CONVINCED I'd never EVER get over her, but now I couldn't care less where she is, what she's doing, or even whether she's dead or alive (well, maybe I care a little about that last bit).

 

Then I met my 2nd love, and had a very intense 3 month fling. I only met her on 12 occasions (every weekend). That took me 9 months to get over, and it was no-contact all the way.

[geronimo]

Time. You need to be able to forget the immediacy of the loss, not the person altogether, and the way you do that is thru time and distance and perspective. (And the second two come from the first one.)

 

Took me a very long time to get to the point of genuinely not caring (way more than ~18 months), and my subconscious might still disagree w/that finding if my dreams are any indication. But yeah no don't feel too bad.

 

Closure helps btw, tho most ppl don't get it. Is that sth that's not happening in your case?

 

I agree with you and which is why I have been in complete NC (there have been a couple occasions where she called me but I just let it ring and didn't pick up). F*cked up part is why would she do that if she's in a relationship. whatever idc.

 

Funny thing is I dont think I have had very many dreams about her ever since we broke up, I guess thats a good thing, or I just dont remember my dreams. All i know is I'll have some great days where I dont miss her, or even care about her, then there are days where all I can do is think about her and miss her and want to call/text her (but I dont).

 

Yeah tbh I didn't really get closure, we met up around 5 months after the BU and were talking again for a couple months but the only thing I got from her was we broke up due to her parents not approving (which I believe was a lie since sure it was a problem we had since the beginning but I think she just used it as an excuse to get out of the 5 year RS, as many here have also said) and as for her new relationship "It just happened, i didn't plan it" classic line.

[mightycpa]

I'm not sure I'm completely over mine. I've had many girlfriends since her, I've fallen in and out of love again and again, and I'm now happily married with no regrets. In my mind, I understand why it had to end, how ill-prepared we both were, how we had to grow. I'm grateful for all the women I've known and been with after, for the things I did without her, and for the opportunities I was able to take advantage of because she wasn't there, none of which would have been possible had we stayed together.

 

The last time I saw her, I guess it was 30 years after we'd last spoken, my heart still skipped a beat. She looked friggin' beautiful and my mind raced through the possibilities. A few days later, I'd forgotten all about it. Life goes on, you know?

 

I don't think much about it at all now, I don't get sad about it anymore, I don't cry, I don't regret. But still, there's a little part of me that will always be in love with that girl. When I told my wife this, she said that this was part of what she loves about me, and that it was perfectly ok for me to be a little in love with Ms. UsedToBe. That's part of what I love about my wife. She gets me. All I have to remember is who I really belong to, and that's actually very easy for me to do.

 

Don't sweat it. It won't always feel horrible to you, and you'll never forget. Just embrace your life going forward, and you'll see that the world is a very interesting place with enormous possibilities. As great as a first love is, there's something even better out there in front of you.

[jen1447]

But still, there's a little part of me that will always be in love with that girl.

 

Same with my BF and his ex, tho he really wouldn't call it "love" so much as just that she has a piece of him that he'll probably never get back. Doesn't bother me either - aside from being generally secure I understand that human emotional dynamics are complex and that sometimes there are less than ideal realities that just are, regardless.

 

I was glad he told me and it was important to him that I understood it. Now we don't have to run around hiding and wondering. Plus from knowing his insecurities I'm able to reassure him that they're not a danger w/me.

[TheWoman]

Its taken us about 25 years. Yeah I know. But I do finally think that it is completely over. Anyway, be warned first loves own prime real estate in your heart. They pose a huge danger to all future relationships and must be managed accordingly.

[mightycpa]

Same with my BF and his ex, tho he really wouldn't call it "love" so much as just that she has a piece of him that he'll probably never get back. Doesn't bother me either - aside from being generally secure I understand that human emotional dynamics are complex and that sometimes there are less than ideal realities that just are, regardless.

 

I was glad he told me and it was important to him that I understood it. Now we don't have to run around hiding and wondering. Plus from knowing his insecurities I'm able to reassure him that they're not a danger w/me.

I think this is healthy. The thing to understand and remember is that, at least in my case, "that girl" no longer exists anywhere but in my memory. The real person has been changed by years of failure and triumph and by whatever life has thrown at her. She might be a better or worse match for me today, but one thing is for certain. IRL, she's different than she was, and so am I. All I have is a memory to hold onto, not a real person.

[gimlynick]

wow, reading through this topic scared me a lot!

 

I have only recently broken up with my real first love ( had lots of fun before but never that amazing feeling whenever you think about someone ).

 

I thought that I would be abe to forget her in a year.

 

It was for us both kinda the first real love ( she has had 2 weird relations before but she felt rly awkward about those + they were kinda LDR ).

 

Someone mentioned "be carefull with first lovers", what do you mean?

You mean that in let's say 10 years I get married with a new love, after 15 years I meet my first love again on a random event... That I still will have that loving feeling in me that we once had?

 

Wow, sounds scary to me!

[LydiaLong]

I'm not sure I'm completely over mine. I've had many girlfriends since her, I've fallen in and out of love again and again, and I'm now happily married with no regrets. In my mind, I understand why it had to end, how ill-prepared we both were, how we had to grow. I'm grateful for all the women I've known and been with after, for the things I did without her, and for the opportunities I was able to take advantage of because she wasn't there, none of which would have been possible had we stayed together.

 

The last time I saw her, I guess it was 30 years after we'd last spoken, my heart still skipped a beat. She looked friggin' beautiful and my mind raced through the possibilities. A few days later, I'd forgotten all about it. Life goes on, you know?

 

I don't think much about it at all now, I don't get sad about it anymore, I don't cry, I don't regret. But still, there's a little part of me that will always be in love with that girl. When I told my wife this, she said that this was part of what she loves about me, and that it was perfectly ok for me to be a little in love with Ms. UsedToBe. That's part of what I love about my wife. She gets me. All I have to remember is who I really belong to, and that's actually very easy for me to do.

 

Don't sweat it. It won't always feel horrible to you, and you'll never forget. Just embrace your life going forward, and you'll see that the world is a very interesting place with enormous possibilities. As great as a first love is, there's something even better out there in front of you.

 

Wow. You're happily married and not completely over your old girlfriends?

[basil67]

We dated for a couple of years. By the time it ended, it was already past it's use-by date. So I felt relief rather than sadness. I moved on really quickly.

[geronimo]

We dated for a couple of years. By the time it ended, it was already past it's use-by date. So I felt relief rather than sadness. I moved on really quickly.

 

See thats the thing, I feel like I'm in the group of most of the posters where I feel like she's going to hold a very special place in my heart forever and I knew that even when we were dating. F*cked up part was we even talked about it, she said if anything goes wrong, I still want to grow old with you even if we're just friends. I know its one of those things you just say in a RS but I hope she meant it, even tho atm I don't want to be her friend, maybe one day we can come to a place where we are just friends.

 

But what I was trying to say is, the way it ended and the way she moved on it all seems like she was over it before it was over. Also she definitely had him lined up because (this i found out later) her and her current bf had known of eachother for a couple years and were "friends" not close ones but they had seen eachother on occasion. It was at this school event (I stupidly decided not to go) that he did something or said something which then led to our breakup, from what I believe/know.

[geronimo]

For those of you who say that they're not sure/are not still over their first love, did you guys keep in contact with them over the years? If so was there any chance of reconciliation (not that I'm looking forward to it). I know people change over time and we aren't the same as we were while in the relationship but sometimes those changes make for a better relationship going forward (something that I read someone say, or they had been through).

 

Just wanna hear your thoughts/experiences.

[Emilia]

For me it was a few months. I had loves later in life I found much harder to get over.

[ashley1992]

wow.. i read some posts where it takes years to get over ur ex! it sounds scary lol knowing i have broken up recently after 6 years! someone wrote they still think about their ex 10 years on ? and think about them everyday! omgosh i wish thats not me! i cannot wait for this stupid feeling to be over and i can be back to 'normal' again. he on the other hand has moved on within 2 weeks!! cannot believe it! just wow! and a big suprise!

[jen1447]

For those of you who say that they're not sure/are not still over their first love, did you guys keep in contact with them over the years? If so was there any chance of reconciliation (not that I'm looking forward to it)

 

I hate to seem like I'm poo-pooing how bad you might feel, but yeah if you think having limited continued semi-contact w/them sucks, try having absolutely none, just one day bam, zero, nothing, ever after. That was me, no contact, no chance of reconciliation, no (real) reasons, no closure, no anything.

 

If she's still 'available' to you in that sense, what I'd shoot for is an eventual clearing of the air one day, not reconciliation (or even friendship particularly). Having your say in a non-confrontational way would be good for both of you and it'd serve put a dot at the end of the sentence. After that you can go off in your diff directions and know in your heart that it's ok.

[Cooper04]

Met my first love final year of high school. Didn't start anything then, just friends. Met her again by random a year and a half later at university, and started dating.

I'd met the perfect girl, we had 4 wonderful years together. On my birthday in november 2004 I proposed to her, there was never a doubt in my mind(or hers I think) that we would spend our lives together.

A month later she died.

11 years on, I still think of her daily. Didn't have another relationship until 2010, and to this day still haven't had anything like that relationship. Not sure if that is because of the memories and my idea of her as "the one", but I still find myself comparing current girlfriends to my memory of her.

 

 

 

If she's still 'available' to you in that sense, what I'd shoot for is an eventual clearing of the air one day, not reconciliation (or even friendship particularly). Having your say in a non-confrontational way would be good for both of you and it'd serve put a dot at the end of the sentence. After that you can go off in your diff directions and know in your heart that it's ok.

 

Wanted to comment on this, obviously not my first love, but my most recent relationship and the girl that brought me to this forum.

After 5 weeks of strict NC starting with the break up, I reached out to her last week and set up a meeting yesterday. When I set it up I was looking towards a possible reconciliation, but started having all these doubts over the weekend. And when I met her.. It was great to see her again, but whatever we once had, the connection, the chemistry.. It just wasn't there anymore.

She did not want to try again and I realized neither did I. Instead we had an open, calm and pleasant conversation about what went wrong, then went our separate ways. For good.

Though I feel quite down today, I'm mourning the loss of the good times I had with her, I also know I'm ready to move on now. Putting a dot at the end of the sentence as you say.

[jonesey0]

I hate to seem like I'm poo-pooing how bad you might feel, but yeah if you think having limited continued semi-contact w/them sucks, try having absolutely none, just one day bam, zero, nothing, ever after. That was me, no contact, no chance of reconciliation, no (real) reasons, no closure, no anything.

 

If she's still 'available' to you in that sense, what I'd shoot for is an eventual clearing of the air one day, not reconciliation (or even friendship particularly). Having your say in a non-confrontational way would be good for both of you and it'd serve put a dot at the end of the sentence. After that you can go off in your diff directions and know in your heart that it's ok.

 

Sadly, im with you on this Jen. 14 years together, broke up with me with no appearent reason, never talked again, no chance of reconciliation, no real reason, no closure, absolutelly anything.

 

She was my first and i was hers, we shared so many milestones and landmarks in any persons life. We spent half of our lives together.

 

And suddenly, nothing. I know nothing about her, she knows nothing about me, were complete strangers.

 

It has been a year, and im ok, but it still feels like unfinished business.

 

I need that dot at the end of the sentence.

[basil67]

See thats the thing, I feel like I'm in the group of most of the posters where I feel like she's going to hold a very special place in my heart forever and I knew that even when we were dating. F*cked up part was we even talked about it, she said if anything goes wrong, I still want to grow old with you even if we're just friends. I know its one of those things you just say in a RS but I hope she meant it, even tho atm I don't want to be her friend, maybe one day we can come to a place where we are just friends.

 

But what I was trying to say is, the way it ended and the way she moved on it all seems like she was over it before it was over. Also she definitely had him lined up because (this i found out later) her and her current bf had known of eachother for a couple years and were "friends" not close ones but they had seen eachother on occasion. It was at this school event (I stupidly decided not to go) that he did something or said something which then led to our breakup, from what I believe/know.

 

As much as it sounds nice to have this lifelong connection to her, think about it practically. Do you think your future partners would want you being friends with someone who always holds a special place in your heart? Likewise, I can't imagine her future boyfriends being keen about this either.

 

Avoid all possible contact and updates from her. Absence is the best way to release someone from that place in your heart.

[jen1447]

Sadly, im with you on this Jen. 14 years together, broke up with me with no appearent reason, never talked again, no chance of reconciliation, no real reason, no closure, absolutelly anything.

 

She was my first and i was hers, we shared so many milestones and landmarks in any persons life. We spent half of our lives together.

 

And suddenly, nothing. I know nothing about her, she knows nothing about me, were complete strangers.

 

It has been a year, and im ok, but it still feels like unfinished business.

 

I need that dot at the end of the sentence.

 

If it's any consolation, you eventually stop caring in a practical sense. Just not the right way. Ppl shouldn't have to win wars of attrition over breakups, but unfortunately there's not much option some of the time.

[Shiggs]

It's been close to 4 months, and I'd like to say that I'm over her, but I'm not. Like I'll go on dates with women, but they just feel temporary and I'm not looking for anything long turn, so while I do have fun, I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

 

I feel like if I see her now by chance in public I'd get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can't talk to her normally. Just thinking about it makes me feel nervous.. So I feel like I have a long way to go, but I'm hanging in there!

[urmysong]

I feel scared thinking about it. He just broke up with me a month ago. And I am still hoping that he will change his mind oneday and realized that was not enough reasons for him to break up on me. He is my first boyfriend. My first touch, first kiss and first of everything. We are married for 9 years and we got one son. My brain says to move on and let him go that I can forget him but my HEART feels that I will never love again, but only him . This feeling that You don't want to eat cause You cannot swallow. That You cannot sleep good. And always woke up in the middle of the night. And reading his emails how we met, how sweet he was, understanding and loving man. Who accept me for who i am and for what i have. And after 9 years...gave up on me.

[blue_jay_bird]

I don't think I'm "over" my ex. But do think the way I felt and the way I think about him have changed.

 

Accepting, I'm not over my ex is liberating. If you can get over your ex in the first couple months is kind of ****ed up. WE are all human! Trying to act like a logical vulcan doesn't work. Saying "well, I got over her in three mouths", isn't something to be proud of. I'v noticed people that do this have intimacy problems later on.

 

I don't have all the answers. But this aversion to being heartbroken, is the same to are social aversion to anything "negative." Society teaches up "be happy" all the time. I'm not telling you to sit at home and stew in self-pitty.

 

( I think of my father who is 66. If I bring up my mother, who broke his heart. I see him flare up and get emotional- this is 28 years later. )

 

Sometimes people never get over their ex/husband/wife/lover. I try changing my feeling and belief of who/ what my ex was to me. CHANGE/ not get over. I no longer have the SAME feelings, but they have evolved.

Edited April 21, 2016 by blue_jay_bird

[Been]

I guess it depends really.

Mine was an up and down relationship where I was treated badly and lied to.

During that time I was madly in love and would put up with all of this so.

Eventually I got tired of the treatment so when I left I was exhausted by the whole ordeal of trying to love someone who wouldn't do the same. So in essence I was already over her and ready to move on.

But take someone who thinks everything is great and he/she gets blindsided. It's going to take a lot more for them to get over someone-they will want to know the whys,chances of getting back together etc.