Is it Possible to Remain Friends

[burnt]

Is it possible to remain friends with a person you ave been in an emotional affair with?

 

NO.

Never.

 

If you have had a 'normal' romantic relationship with someone, and the relationship ended, there will be pain--naturally. But after enough time has passed when both parties have moved on in a healthy way and have reflected back, they may be able to see the mutually good and caring things about the relationship. If they both can recognize that, then it's possible to develop the "benign indifference" that Tara mentioned.

 

Meaning, a friendship without emotional attachment and without resentment.

 

The thing is you are not talking about a 'normal' relationship. You are talking about an affair.

 

Affairs, by the very definition of it, is built on lies, fear, deception, and addictive and self-destructive actions.

 

In affairs, one party ALWAYS holds more power and control over the other, and the other always feels being strung along and disposable. A second choice and an option. The affair partner is always bound to feel 'used', an object whose sole purpose is to provide entertainment and fun distraction. The OW/OM constantly feels fear of losing it all and therefore feels uncontrollably helpless constantly.

 

There is never mutual respect and dignity in any affair relationship.

 

After enough time has passed, when the 'affair fog' has finally lifted, you will eventually realize this fact. Everyone involved in an affair for a very long time continues to believe that MAYBE they can remain as friends, because they are desperate enough to demote themselves to any demeaning position if they can ONLY hold onto any part of their affair partner.

 

Unfortunately, when you finally see what damage this affair has done to YOU, your heart will NEVER hold respect for the other person. It will be filled with rage and resentment.

 

Right now, you are in the bargaining stage.

 

Let enough time pass.

Let the mirage clear out.

 

An affair has only one definitive ending--a permanent destructive ending.

[Girlfromcali]

Why is it necessary that one person has more control? I don't feel like my AP has more control. I might have suffered more because of the dynamic of affairs hurting women more than me, so in that way yes, I agree he has more control.

 

But I ended the affair, I never asked him to leave his wife, nor would I want him to. I'm also the one who decides how things are going. The relationship is going towards the end, little by little, and I feel like I have control over it.

 

Am I lying to myself, I don't know..

[solonely9]

I can't see how you can call yourself a friend if you're a secret and not able to visit their home, meet their partner, that's not a friendship that's a dirty little secret.

 

Exactly! It is not a real friendship. You will never be oficially recognized as a friend.

[alphamale]

Is it possible to remain friends with a person you ave been in an emotional affair with?

no, it's not

[Lady2163]

Exactly! It is not a real friendship. You will never be oficially recognized as a friend.

 

In your opinion.

 

I have Army buddies who I have never been to their home or met their spouses. I don't know if they know I'm female. Chances are of my several army buddies, they may have avoided telling their wives. Oftentimes, civilians can't understand the connection and bond of...well, brotherhood for lack of a gender neutral term.

 

You may work with people and you don't go to their homes or haven't met their spouse. But if you were in the hospital, they'd come visit.

 

He could have brought me around as his work colleague/independent contractor.

 

I'd known him for many years and we were involved for seven years. I never expected him to leave. I'm not saying it was a unique relationship, I'm just saying it may have been different than others.

[solonely9]

In your opinion.

 

I have Army buddies who I have never been to their home or met their spouses. I don't know if they know I'm female. Chances are of my several army buddies, they may have avoided telling their wives. Oftentimes, civilians can't understand the connection and bond of...well, brotherhood for lack of a gender neutral term.

 

You may work with people and you don't go to their homes or haven't met their spouse. But if you were in the hospital, they'd come visit.

 

He could have brought me around as his work colleague/independent contractor.

 

I'd known him for many years and we were involved for seven years. I never expected him to leave. I'm not saying it was a unique relationship, I'm just saying it may have been different than others.

 

Yes, he could have, but you would have been in disguise. I saw that you still communicate often, but it is not just as friends, right? There is still attraction between the two of you, there are still sexual thoughts, you still want more from each other. I don't feel like this towards my male friends.

[Ophelia25]

NO.

Never.

 

If you have had a 'normal' romantic relationship with someone, and the relationship ended, there will be pain--naturally. But after enough time has passed when both parties have moved on in a healthy way and have reflected back, they may be able to see the mutually good and caring things about the relationship. If they both can recognize that, then it's possible to develop the "benign indifference" that Tara mentioned.

 

Meaning, a friendship without emotional attachment and without resentment.

 

The thing is you are not talking about a 'normal' relationship. You are talking about an affair.

 

Affairs, by the very definition of it, is built on lies, fear, deception, and addictive and self-destructive actions.

 

In affairs, one party ALWAYS holds more power and control over the other, and the other always feels being strung along and disposable. A second choice and an option. The affair partner is always bound to feel 'used', an object whose sole purpose is to provide entertainment and fun distraction. The OW/OM constantly feels fear of losing it all and therefore feels uncontrollably helpless constantly.

 

There is never mutual respect and dignity in any affair relationship.

 

After enough time has passed, when the 'affair fog' has finally lifted, you will eventually realize this fact. Everyone involved in an affair for a very long time continues to believe that MAYBE they can remain as friends, because they are desperate enough to demote themselves to any demeaning position if they can ONLY hold onto any part of their affair partner.

 

Unfortunately, when you finally see what damage this affair has done to YOU, your heart will NEVER hold respect for the other person. It will be filled with rage and resentment.

 

Right now, you are in the bargaining stage.

 

Let enough time pass.

Let the mirage clear out.

 

An affair has only one definitive ending--a permanent destructive ending.

 

Everything you said here sucks. But I sadly think it is completely correct.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible to remain friends with a person you ave been in an emotional affair with?

 

No. How can you get over the person you've had an EA with if you're still seeing and speaking to them? How can you detach? Not possible. It will just continue on as an EA.

[renaissancewoman]

NO!

 

It is absolutely not possible. The simple fact that you had an emotional affair proves that you can't be "just friends." That's how emotional affairs begin and how would you even think that it wouldn't turn into that again?

 

Any "friendship" that is kept in secret is absolutely wrong. FACT. Any time and attention that you take from what's rightfully for someone else's spouse is just plain selfish and nothing more the stroking your own ego. Leave married people alone. Find your own single person to build a loving and healthy relationship with. Just because a marriage is on the rocks, it doesn't entitle you to be their support system and add to the turmoil. Let them work things out with their own spouse.

[Miss Clavel]

to me, it's not possible to be "friends" with an ex.

 

when it's over, it's over.

[renaissancewoman]

to me, it's not possible to be "friends" with an ex.

 

when it's over, it's over.

 

So I sort of agree and disagree. It's definitely not possible to be friends with an ex where the relationship was already built on deceit and infidelity. It is perfectly possible to be friends with an ex where the relationship ended amicably and mutually. My SIL and her husband are best friends with her ex and his new wife. They vacation together, they co-parent and co-grandparent together. They are totally harmonious. I think it's because the couples are friends as couples. There is no layer of secrecy. The mere fact of trying to hide a relationship means that it is wrong and should be avoided at all costs.

[ladydesigner]

to me, it's not possible to be "friends" with an ex.

 

when it's over, it's over.

 

I have never had a desire to be friends with any of my exes until my xom. I tried for a year. You know what that prolonged contact (so-called friendship) did for me. It hindered my healing, it wasn't until I went NC that I finally began to move on. 7 years later the thought of xom NEVER enters my mind unless I am talking about my past like I am now

[heartwhole]

If you were honest with your spouse about the affair, then no, obviously it would not be OK to continue being friends with the AP. If you are choosing not to be honest about the EA, then that's on you, but I still think one should choose the most honorable and honest path going forward. I wouldn't have any friends that I have or previously had romantic feelings for without disclosing that to my husband.

 

On DD, my husband wanted to remain friends with the OW. It's hard to let go of an emotional attachment. I just looked at him like he had two heads. Once he had a couple of weeks of no contact with her, he gained some perspective and started realizing how wrong the relationship was and how impossible any continued friendship would be.

[2016forme]

Is it possible to remain friends with a person you ave been in an emotional affair with?

 

I think it all depends upon how you look at the situation. In reality, there is a reason that you are no longer in the affair with the person anymore. In this case, there are some things you have to consider. You should think about yourself first.Every time you see this person, do you feel happy on the inside or do you feel empty because you are reminiscing over the old times you have shared together? Just because you were involved in an affair with this person, that doesn't mean you have to be friends like that. In fact, you may find that it is best for you to treat your old flame with a long handle spoon.

 

If you don't want old wounds to keep opening up, it's time to ditch your old flame and move on with your life. The heart ache you may feel right now is not going away overnight. Give yourself time to heal. Move forward! You deserve better.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Emotional affairs are probably the most difficult to separate from, more so than sexual ones I think. They tend to run much deeper and therefore more complicated and far more challenging to step away from never mind turn back time and go back to when it was carefree and innocent.

 

And as long as the relationship, however innocent it may now seem, remains a secret from your spouses, you run the risk of repeating yourselves.

[Girlfromcali]

I still want the friendship somewhere in the future, and yes it would have to include his wife also.

 

I don't know how that would ever work out, though. His wife knows about the affair but she never wanted to know who it was.