Dating for a year and a half and still no I love you

[Hope4thefuture]

I met and started dating my boyfriend when he was separated. He has now been divorced for almost a year. My divorce was finalized almost 2 years ago. We have taken this relationship very slow. In part due to our mismatched schedules with our kids, which let us only see each other once a week. We go out to dinner, do activities, see movies, etc. We always say it is the quality of our dates that is important, not the quantity that matter. However starting this month we are finally able to get our weekends to match with each other, which we are both happy about. So we will now have our weekday and a couple of weekends to spend together.

 

He has met my parents and friends. I have met his friends, and I am meeting his parents and sister in a few weeks. We have made plans for him to meet my kids this summer. We haven't talked about me meeting his yet.

 

Since we haven't had a lot of time together it took a while to learn more about each other. I really enjoy being with him and I fell in love with him. I haven't told him this yet because I am not sure what his feelings are for me. He has in so many words told me how much I mean to him and that he was falling for me. But we both have never told each other I love you. Is that strange? I want to tell him but I am afraid. I feel that a year and a half is a long time. I don't feel like this is a FWB relationship but maybe I am wrong. Thoughts or advice on what I should do. Tell him? Wait for him to hopefully tell me? Or am I in a relationship that is obviously going nowhere?

[bathtub-row]

It does seem a little strange but there has been somewhat of a gap with the two of you really spending time together and getting to know one another. I think the important thing is how does he make you feel? Do you feel loved and valued? If so, I would just give this some time. I think it's good to take things slowly. I also think him introducing you to his family is a very good sign.

 

Don't tell him you love him. Let him say it first. I don't think this is a relationship that's going nowhere.

[mortensorchid]

I am sorry to tell you this, truly I am. We think that we are all unique and we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, and I fully know that I am an eccentric or odd compared to others, but human nature is universal. And I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" by a certain point, he's not going to say it. Why? Because he does not love you back. Fact.

 

I would suggest that you move on from it. After reading about all the additional things you both have going on, I think he is too raw from the divorce to consider being with another woman at this point. Or he has too many excuses to resist no matter what, or absolutely insists on making something bad happen for him once again. It's hard to do, I know, but you should move on from this and find someone else who deserves you.

[katiegrl]

I am sorry to tell you this, truly I am. We think that we are all unique and we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, and I fully know that I am an eccentric or odd compared to others, but human nature is universal. And I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" by a certain point, he's not going to say it. Why? Because he does not love you back. Fact.

 

I would suggest that you move on from it. After reading about all the additional things you both have going on, I think he is too raw from the divorce to consider being with another woman at this point. Or he has too many excuses to resist no matter what, or absolutely insists on making something bad happen for him once again. It's hard to do, I know, but you should move on from this and find someone else who deserves you.

 

I don't agree it's fact at all.

 

Everyone is different, and just cuz he doesn't *say* it, does not mean he doesn't *feel* it.

 

If we want to talk facts, that would be more of a fact than not saying means he doesn't feel it.

 

It took my brother two years to SAY it to his now wife.

 

Despite admitting to me many times how in love with her he was way before saying it.

 

But for some reason he was scared to death to *say* it.

 

She told me later it never bothered her because she *felt* very loved by him.

 

My dad was the same.

 

Found it very difficult to express emotions verbally despite feeling them very deeply.

 

OP, do you feel loved by him?

 

If so, then continue on, and either say it first or just enjoy your relationship for what is and not worry about the words. When he is ready he will say it.

 

Feeling loved by him via his actions is what is important in my opinion.

Edited April 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[Dis]

I think the way you feel about him should be just as important as the way he feels about you. Once I'm in a long term relationship, I place a high value on that type of expression but thats just me. Are you still happy with him even though he hasnt told you he loves you? Is he emotionally distant? Or is he just reserved? Are you ok with him not saying I love you?

 

Just because he hasnt said it does NOT mean he doesnt feel it. Some guys just need alot of time to get to that point. But in all honesty I think you know when a guy loves you. Its not usually something you need to think long and hard about. Maybe you just need to hear the words.

[JADIE]

I don't agree it's fact at all.

 

Everyone is different, and just cuz he doesn't *say* it, does not mean he doesn't *feel* it.

 

 

She told me later it never bothered her because she *felt* very loved by him.

 

 

OP, do you feel loved by him?

 

If so, then continue on, and either say it first or just enjoy your relationship for what is and not worry about the words. When he is ready he will say it.

 

Feeling loved by him via his actions is what is important in my opinion.

 

Yup...this is truth. I said it first. It took my BF 3 YEARS to say it back but I knew he loved me. Now it's a completely moot point...he tells me every morning, every night and almost every text exchange or call throughout the day. And I never get tired of hearing it :love:

[elaine567]

I don't feel like this is a FWB relationship but maybe I am wrong. Thoughts or advice on what I should do. Tell him? Wait for him to hopefully tell me? Or am I in a relationship that is obviously going nowhere?

 

I think there are some concerns here apart the fact he has never said he loves you. I do not set much store on ILYs, anyone can say they love you. I would not gauge any relationship on the quantities of ILYs.

 

BUT...

You do not seem to know if this is a FWB arrangement or not, have you even discussed exclusivity? He sees you once a week and only has his kids one day a week and every second weekend. Plenty time to see other women if he wanted to.

Is he still drinking to excess?

This is his second divorce and he is just newly divorced, I guess he is in no hurry to get into a serious relationship with anyone.

There has been very little progress in this relationship since you posted last September.

 

I am sorry but I fear you may be wasting your time here, IF you see this as a long term serious prospect.

(I note he has never mentioned you meeting his kids even if it would be well in the future).

[Zippy2000]

I am sorry to tell you this, truly I am. We think that we are all unique and we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, and I fully know that I am an eccentric or odd compared to others, but human nature is universal. And I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" by a certain point, he's not going to say it. Why? Because he does not love you back. Fact.

 

Human nature is universal? What on Earth are you talking about!?

 

No its not!

 

Not everyone will say the "i love you" word. I have most of my male friends who dont say it.

 

I NEVER said it until I met a girl who I was seeing asked me to tell her, and I did but most of my younger years from 20s to 30s I refrained from using it as some people ran the other way hearing it,

 

Human nature is not universal. Everyone is different.

[Jabron1]

This is crazy.

 

I really enjoy being with him and I fell in love with him. I haven't told him this yet because I am not sure what his feelings are for me.

 

Don't tell him you love him. Let him say it first. I don't think this is a relationship that's going nowhere.

 

I am sorry to tell you this, truly I am. We think that we are all unique and we are the only ones who go through certain things in life, and I fully know that I am an eccentric or odd compared to others, but human nature is universal. And I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" by a certain point, he's not going to say it. Why? Because he does not love you back. Fact.

 

I would suggest that you move on from it. After reading about all the additional things you both have going on, I think he is too raw from the divorce to consider being with another woman at this point. Or he has too many excuses to resist no matter what, or absolutely insists on making something bad happen for him once again. It's hard to do, I know, but you should move on from this and find someone else who deserves you.

 

So, with all the things that men initiate, we are now expected to take the emotional lead too?

 

If you love him, just tell him that. And, if necessary, give him time to let it sink in.

 

Dumping him would be such a daft thing to do.

 

I'd also like to echo what some others are saying: Actions > words.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Jabron1

[getsmartie]

I think you really have to look at his actions like katiegirl said its about feeling loved by him. I'd rather wait to hear it than to have it said too early in the relationship. My bf took 13 months to finally say it. I already knew that he did though! Now he says it first almost every time we part ways.

 

I also think some men that have been burnt before may want to be sure before they say it.

[Larryville]

Ok let's examine....

 

I met and started dating my boyfriend when he was separated.

 

He has now been divorced for almost a year.

 

relationship very slow. In part due to our mismatched schedules with our kids, which let us only see each other once a week.

 

We have made plans for him to meet my kids this summer. We haven't talked about me meeting his yet.

 

Now Elane did what I did, examine the past.

 

You do not seem to know if this is a FWB arrangement or not, have you even discussed exclusivity? He sees you once a week and only has his kids one day a week and every second weekend. Plenty time to see other women if he wanted to.

Is he still drinking to excess?

This is his second divorce and he is just newly divorced, I guess he is in no hurry to get into a serious relationship with anyone.

There has been very little progress in this relationship since you posted last September.

 

More:

As we hung out more I noticed how much he drinks.

 

I am just concerned and wondering if this is a red flag or is it more of a compatibility thing?

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. Very complicated situation.

 

Because of the circumstances he said he wants to wait a little while to introduce me to his immediate family.

 

He says he wants to see me more but I'm not sure he is really trying to make that happen. He doesn't want to switch weekends right now because he doesn't want his kids to know about us yet.

 

What in the world would make you think he is even close to saying “I Love You?”

 

The relationship is dysfunctional and in order to get to the point of “love” in a relationship there must be trust and respect and a unconditional acceptance of one another.

How long you have been together is irrelevant you have not even begun to build the foundation of a healthy and harmonious relationship.

If you go back and read you own posts you can answer your own questions.

[sunshine2]

I agree with ILY not always being necessary, but if this plus other things are going on with what Larryvilles researched, then there is more then just the ILY issue in your relationship.

 

If he makes you feel loved, then thats all that matters.

 

My XBF never said ILY in the 1 year we dated. He would do things for me and his love language was acts of service, so I thought he must love me. But in the end he never did. Sometimes I would feel he really cared, but there was no real love. How did I know? He told everyone that he loved them in his family, which I was happy to see and I knew he was capable of love, but not when it came to me it just wasn't there. Its a feeling I knew deep inside.

 

Also, meeting parents, family, friends really does not mean anything in reality. I read that women think thats a BIG sign that their man loves them, but to men, he just bringing a date. It does not mean commitment. I met all of my XBF family, fell in love with them all, but that meant nothing to my XBF, he still kept me at arms length and did not show me the same love that his family did. I think I miss his family more then I miss him now that we are broken up.

 

To me, if he is on his second divorce and he is acting like he is, I would probably cut my losses and move on. Its hard I know, but you have to guard your heart and be realistic. Something I forgot to do and regret big time.

[Hope4thefuture]

I appreciate all the advice and thoughts. Yes we are exclusive and have been for almost a year now. When we are together I do feel loved by him in many little ways. Small ways that add up to a lot in my eyes. I know the "I love you" are just words. I agree that actions speak louder than words.

 

I have only told one person that I love them in my life, my ex. And to be honest I think I said it too early. He asked me if I loved him after 4 months and I said yes. But looking back on it, I am quite sure I didn't love him at that point. Infatuation definitely, but not love. I didn't want to make the same mistake this time with my current boyfriend. I want to be sure. So yes I had a lot of questions about his divorces and social habits. I want to make sure that I can accept him for who he is and not what I want him to be.

 

I realize I am taking a risk by staying in this relationship. Maybe he isn't at the same point I am and maybe he never will be. But at this point I am not ready to cut my losses like some have advised. And maybe down the road I will look back and wish I had taken that advice instead. But right now, I want to follow my heart and see where this may lead.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's too reactive to end things with him over something like this. I admire him for being cautious about saying it because he doesn't say those words lightly.

 

If he treated you badly, then I'd say drop him. But he seems nice and he wants you to meet his family. All good signs. I say just let it go for now. Enjoy your time with him.

[katiegrl]

Perhaps you should focus more on the positive posts on this thread instead of the negative ones.

 

Re-read those.

 

And for the record, I think you are doing the right thing by staying, given that you DO feel loved by him..

 

Stay positive and enjoy the process!