Am I wasting my time?

[WasOtherWoman]

People are bringing up excellent points, and things you should consider carefully.

 

One of the things that I used to think about, when we were in our A was.. was he a suitable long-term partner for me? I need a man who makes things happen in his life, not just waits for things to happen to him. That includes manning up, if he was unhappy in his current situation and taking steps to get out of it, not just waiting for someone to make the decision for him. If he is man enough to be having an affair with me, he needs to be man enough to take the steps to attain the future he wants.

 

His inability to make a decision and execute on it would make him a very unsuitable partner for me.

[ChickiePops]

If she's so crazy and terrible then why isn't he trying to protect his child from her?

[MrsBilliethekid]

So......it is ultimatum time.....I think you are all right....one of us has to walk, if he doesnt then I have to......it's going to be soooooo hard.....

[MrsBilliethekid]

If she's so crazy and terrible then why isn't he trying to protect his child from her?

 

I don't think she's a bad mum, just horrible to him.......which is evident from his facebook page........

[WasOtherWoman]

So......it is ultimatum time.....I think you are all right....one of us has to walk, if he doesnt then I have to......it's going to be soooooo hard.....

 

So lots of people think ultimatum is a dirty word. I didn't look at it as an ultimatum, because in my mind, an ultimatum is that you do X (what I want you to do) or I am walking.

 

My options for my MM were this: I need to be in a relationship with someone who does not have a wife. So, if that is going to be with you, than you need to not be married. So, either step up to the plate, or get off the field. Either one would have been OK by me......

[ChickiePops]

I don't think she's a bad mum, just horrible to him.......which is evident from his facebook page........

 

I'm not doubting you that she's crazy..just wondering why he's a better dad to your kids than to his own...

[MrsBilliethekid]

I'm not doubting you that she's crazy..just wondering why he's a better dad to your kids than to his own...

 

He's not a better dad, he just talks about his role in their lives when we're together properly in the future if you see what I mean. I'm wondering if he's sincere or future faking.......

[carhill]

To rewind a bit, what is verifiable independently?

 

You've covered the social media stuff. OK, some of that can lead to quantifiable stuff.

 

You stated they filed divorce papers. That's easy to verify with the court even if they never pursued the lawsuit. The filing and case summary would still exist. Courts are a treasure trove of stuff.

 

You state he has met your children. Have you ever met his? Given his apparently verifiable long periods away from his child, IMO it's pretty odd the child never comes the short 400 miles, like a part day drive, to visit him, like during summer or school vacations. Heck I've flown with minors the child's age as they transit from one parent to another. Goes on all the time.

 

What do you know about his work? What is verifiable?

 

Since you've been looking at houses, is he pre-approved or pre-qualified to purchase? That means he's been financially assessed as having the income and assets to purchase a certain price level of home. That's another verification method, presuming he's not window shopping.

 

As a disclaimer, I'm a fairly cynical older guy who's seen the gamut of affair related stuff and, well, people getting creative with the truth in general. When in doubt, especially if wondering if one is wasting their time, verify.

[WasOtherWoman]

to rewind a bit, what is verifiable independently?

 

You've covered the social media stuff. Ok, some of that can lead to quantifiable stuff.

 

You stated they filed divorce papers. That's easy to verify with the court even if they never pursued the lawsuit. The filing and case summary would still exist. Courts are a treasure trove of stuff.

 

You state he has met your children. Have you ever met his? Given his apparently verifiable long periods away from his child, imo it's pretty odd the child never comes the short 400 miles, like a part day drive, to visit him, like during summer or school vacations. Heck i've flown with minors the child's age as they transit from one parent to another. Goes on all the time.

 

What do you know about his work? What is verifiable?

 

Since you've been looking at houses, is he pre-approved or pre-qualified to purchase? That means he's been financially assessed as having the income and assets to purchase a certain price level of home. That's another verification method, presuming he's not window shopping.

 

As a disclaimer, i'm a fairly cynical older guy who's seen the gamut of affair related stuff and, well, people getting creative with the truth in general. When in doubt, especially if wondering if one is wasting their time, verify.

 

hugely true!!

[whichwayisup]

Yes you're wasting your time. Tell him to call you ONLY when his divorced papers are final and until then for him to not to contact you.

All this history is pretty much backed up from my investigations on facbook and otehr social forums,

 

You have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors, you can't use social media to pick apart someone's life and marriage and claim to know the facts.

[Ms. Faust]

Yes you're wasting your time. Tell him to call you ONLY when his divorced papers are final and until then for him to not to contact you.

 

 

You have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors, you can't use social media to pick apart someone's life and marriage and claim to know the facts.

 

 

Yeeah.... my husband's colleague had the perfect marriage. PERFECT!! They were your stereotypical blonde hair, blue eyed, young, tall, athletic, healthy, hipster couple. We went and had a Thanksgiving party at their place last year. They were so simpatico.

 

Cut to a couple of days ago my husband announced that this couple didn't just split up, they got a dissolution of their marriage. Going by their FB feed and status, we never knew. It was shocking! He had told no one in the office, not even a hint, other than he was gaming more often.

 

You never know what is happening behind closed doors, unless you are actually there.

[privategal]

What kind of relationship is it when you have to "investigate" it by several forms of social media?

Relationships where you need to online stalk and play Private Investigator online?

Ummm...is this what you hoped for when you dreamed of your life partner when you were younger?

What do you want us to tell you?

This is really sad.

You see that right?

Your kids dont need a father who had to abandon his own set of kids to be their Dad.

Lastly no ow has any right judging mm's wife.

Your relationship with him is seperate from their marriage.

How would you like a stranger looking at YOUR Fb page and judging you?

WHILE you are forming opinions about her you are actively making plans to break up HER family? COMMMOONNN

Edited April 13, 2016 by privategal

[MrsBilliethekid]

I think you're being a bit harsh.....who doesn't check out someone's history on Facebook given the opportunity?

 

As for BW.... well perhaps I do judge her but again I'm only human.

 

And I thought this board was for support? I'm feeling somewhat judged myself now.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes you're wasting your time. Tell him to call you ONLY when his divorced papers are final and until then for him to not to contact you.

 

 

You have NO idea what goes on behind closed doors, you can't use social media to pick apart someone's life and marriage and claim to know the facts.

 

Hard to tell what filters someone has their Facebook set on either.

 

It boggles my mind, how a person could wear the WS/AP double breasted suit, get handed the BS handbag, then decide to put on the AP scarf.

 

One would think that shopping at the Integrity and Self-Respect shop would yield a better look.

[MrsBilliethekid]

Hard to tell what filters someone has their Facebook set on either.

 

It boggles my mind, how a person could wear the WS/AP double breasted suit, get handed the BS handbag, then decide to put on the AP scarf.

 

One would think that shopping at the Integrity and Self-Respect shop would yield a better look.

 

And again.....I thought this board was for support and advice? There is nothing constructive in your post attachments all. Just having a go.... are you a BS?

[Ms. Faust]

 

And I thought this board was for support? I'm feeling somewhat judged myself now.

 

Unfortunately, this pops up often, but I think a lot of it has to do with the ideas that one has (that they believe are perfectly acceptable!) while in the affair. In your situation what you are hoping for is that your MM will leave his wife and live with you 400 miles away from his child to help raise your own child, and be a full time fixture in their lives. Your MM has an 11 year old son, which we all know is a very tender, emotional age.

 

It is fine that you want your MM to leave his wife, it is, in fact, perfectly normal. But your complacency in his lack of parenting is where there is an issue (for me, at least). Please ask yourself honestly, are you really ok with him being a parent to your children while not being a parent to his? Because there is no way.... no way... one can be an instrumental force in their child's life when they are living hundreds of miles away and only see them once a month for one day.

 

You said he is chatting with you while he is at home, which means he is not spending time with his wife. That means he is also not investing time with his son. Sure, he can be taking him out to the park, or something... with his head in his phone the entire time because he's talking to you.

 

Also, your track record is not good. People have a hard time understanding how you can be devastated from an affair, only to do the same thing. It seems kind of odd, don't you think?

 

You have only been with this person for four months. You don't even know why he divorced his first wife. There's just a lot of red flags that are blowing in the breeze.

 

I assume you will continue with him. Are you planning on building a relationship with his son? I assume you are, if this is to be long term. How do you hope or think the son will interact with you and your own children? These are legitimate questions, and something you should already be chewing on if you and your MM are very serious.

[whichwayisup]

I think you're being a bit harsh.....who doesn't check out someone's history on Facebook given the opportunity?

 

As for BW.... well perhaps I do judge her but again I'm only human.

 

And I thought this board was for support? I'm feeling somewhat judged myself now.

 

Most are giving you a reality check and trying to help you get the head out of the clouds. If you truly believe you 'know' exactly what's happening in your MM's marriage, you're fooling yourself. Your MM, like many others, are very skilled liars and manipulators. Do you think he's never lied or omitted truths from you?

 

Why do you judge her? Because she's with the man you want? Why not judge HIM for not divorcing her? Nothing is stopping him from leaving, except himself. Those who want to D, do so.

[MrsBilliethekid]

The facts are that he IS living 400 miles away and has been for the past 4 years so whether I end up with him or not, that won't change.

 

You're right though, I don't know what's really going on in their marriage, I can only go on what he tells me. Maybe it's the truth, maybe it's not. That's what I'm trying to figure out by posting here.....I know this is not fair on his wife and the longer it goes on the more chance of discovery.

 

I don't know what I'll do. I know what I should do and I know that chances are, I'll have my heart broken.....

[ShatteredLady]

I'm the family photographer. My Facebook isn't very involved, I just post photos for my family who live in a different country & a couple of friends. My kids have become interested & insisted on taking "some pretty photographs of Mummy for people to see because there are no pictures of her!".

 

There's a reason people call it "Fakebook". It's not real mostly. It's just people choosing the image they want to portray.

 

Yes, there might be lots of photos of him with his son. Who's taking the photos? It means nothing.

 

I've had friends date single men for more than 4 months before they learn things that make them completely change their minds. I understand that the dynamics of affairs amplify emotions often. Please just remember you don't truly know this man.

[MrsBilliethekid]

I would assume his son would come to us school holidays and stuff and he would still go down some weekends. I'm not using this as an excuse but mm is ex military so has always spent long periods away from home. Rightly or wrongly his son doesn't really know any different. Obviously my presence would be an element he hasn't dealt with before.....

[Ms. Faust]

The facts are that he IS living 400 miles away and has been for the past 4 years so whether I end up with him or not, that won't change.

 

But does it make sense to you that part of his plan is to be a full time parent to your children when he is not a full time parent to his own? Does that make any sense at all? Because it doesn't to me. Actually it kind of sounds sh*tty that he would even propose something like that. It sounds like his son is kinda far down the ladder in important people in his lives, but that is just an outsider looking in.

 

I know you said it is because of his wife, but as we discussed ad nauseum we really don't know everything behind that situation. If it is because of his wife then he has the power to file for divorce. He chooses to maintain status quo. And yes, I know it is because his wife is crazy, but if you read these boards ALL married men who engage in affairs have crazy wives.

Edited April 14, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[AlwaysGrowing]

And again.....I thought this board was for support and advice? There is nothing constructive in your post attachments all. Just having a go.... are you a BS?

 

The fact that you don't feel your relationship history of being a WS/OW, then the OW, then the BS to the man who you were the AP to...only to revisit the AP/OW role yet again.....speaks to not learning from past choices.

[MrsBilliethekid]

But does it make sense to you that part of his plan is to be a full time parent to your children when he is not a full time parent to his own? Does that make any sense at all? Because it doesn't to me. Actually it kind of sounds sh*tty that he would even propose something like that. It sounds like his son is kinda far down the ladder in important people in his lives, but that is just an outsider looking in.

 

I know you said it is because of his wife, but as we discussed ad nauseum we really don't know everything behind that situation. If it is because of his wife then he has the power to file for divorce. He chooses to maintain status quo. And yes, I know it is because his wife is crazy, but if you read these boards ALL married men who engage in affairs have crazy wives.

 

I think it's just the situation. He wanted his wife and family to relocate and she refused. He will not be leaving his job anytime soon. He's now met me, has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (whether that's BS remains to be seen ) but my children are obviously part of the package. IF we do set up home together then he will be my children's stepfather and aside from trying to get custody of his son, I don't see any other way around it.

 

Are you suggesting he gives up his job and moves back down there to (let's assume ) a dead marriage for the sake of his son?

[MrsBilliethekid]

The fact that you don't feel your relationship history of being a WS/OW, then the OW, then the BS to the man who you were the AP to...only to revisit the AP/OW role yet again.....speaks to not learning from past choices.

 

I hope I'm not splitting hairs but I've never been a OW before. I has an affair with a single bloke when I was married to my first husband. This is the first and last time I will be an OW.

[MrsBilliethekid]

My 2nd h was living alone when we met.....he went back to his ex not long after I started seeing him....I didn't interfere in that.....I stayed away til he left for good. But it was messy. I wouldn't have considered myself the OW on that occasion.