Great first date, no second date planned - do I move on if he doesn't initiate?

April 12, 2016

He knows well that not planning ahead isn't cool. No amount of talking or being open is going to make him suddenly interested enough to plan ahead.

The problem is, that 2 weeks in, there shouldn't be a need for that type conversation.

I agree with this. You had ONE date. Way too soon to be discussing what your needs are or aren't ... whether you want him to plan ahead, be more definitive about dates, contact you more or whatever.

By doing that, the covert message is "be more interested in me.".

Again, you had ONE date, you are not in a relationship or even heading towards one at this point. If you were .... okay, speak up by all means! But not after one date. Not IMO anyway, it is too soon, too much pressure.

These early dates are when we are assessing each other to determine whether or not we want to even continue dating.

After one date, or two, if you are not happy with the way he is pursuing you, or not pursuing you, then move on to someone else. Again jmo.

I cannot stand these gender roles either, and frankly I would give the same advice to men if the roles were reversed.

Interested people act interested. When someone (man or woman) is interested, there is no such thing as being " too busy."

This is not a gender issue, this is human nature.... and common sense.

That said, you do you, this could very well work out; I hope it does!

Have fun Thursday!

April 12, 2016

Lovezen, I have the feeling that you have plenty of savvy and assertiveness to manage yourself and your dating opportunities with aplomb.

Nearly all of the advice you're getting in this thread is attempting to turn you off to this new guy, and my guess is that it's mostly motivated by people's unresolved hurt and disappointment, manifested as entitlement attitudes and zero sum thinking.

I hope you remain open and optimistic––that is the way to embrace possibilities and live positively. Just be authentic and think reciprocity when evaluating potential early on. Resist bitterness and cynicism.

WTF. I don't even really disagree with you about what she should have done here; I'm glad she contacted him herself to dispel her fears.

But the bolded is really unnecessary judgment of the other posters in this thread. And STOP with the womenz BS. Enough already. Sometimes it's actually not unreasonable to wonder whether a person is stringing you along because s/he isn't sure what s/he wants. In that situation, yes, I advocate just speaking up for yourself so you can move on either way. But there is really no need to sit snidely in judgment of female posters in this thread. Enough.

April 12, 2016

But the bolded is really unnecessary judgment of the other posters in this thread. And STOP with the womenz BS. Enough already.

Sorry SM but nobody appointed you as chief censor. I reaffirm my opinion.

April 12, 2016

How has this thread grown to four pages already?

Need I remind everyone, OP has been on ONE DATE with this guy.

Yeah, I get that you kissed and cuddled and held hands, but if I were you, that would make me more wary, not more enthusiastic. The only men who've gotten physical with me on date one were the guys looking for some easy nooky. It's so easy to get caught up in "he's so hot and flirty," like it's too good to be true. You're getting too invested too soon in my opinion.

When I was looking to buy a car recently, my mom told me, "never go with the first car you see." I think this is true for dating, too. You haven't been on the scene for two years—cool it down, sister! Take your time (with this guy or others), evaluate your options. Dating can be enjoyable in its own right, not always as a means to an end to get a relationship. If this guy's not doing it "right" by your expectations, YOU next him.

I have another date tomorrow night, so I am evaluating other options. And another guy just asked me out there, which I am open to, although I don't yet know how I feel about this multiple dating lark.

I'm not too invested - I do like him, but I have my eyes open. Look, maybe you are guys are right about the planning. I understand what you're saying Eternal Sunshine.

But this guy is working, doing an MA and an MBA some other nights. It's not perfect but he has opened up his schedule on two separate evenings this week. When I said I couldn't make one evening plan, he suggested another. I am going to remain positive because that is how I am naturally - if it becomes clear that my needs are not going to be met I will move on.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Lovezen_30

April 12, 2016

I have another date tomorrow night, so I am evaluating other options. And another guy just asked me out there, which I am open to, although I don't yet know how I feel about this multiple dating lark.

I'm not too invested - I do like him, but I have my eyes open. Look, maybe you are guys are right about the planning. I understand what you're saying Eternal Sunshine.

But this guy is working, doing an MA and an MBA some other nights. It's not perfect but he has opened up his schedule on two separate evenings this week. When I said I couldn't make one evening plan, he suggested another.

---

I am going to remain positive because that is how I am naturally - if it becomes clear that my needs are not going to be met I will move on.

I think it is great to be positive!

But let's face it, it *is* quite a switch from your opening post wherein you were ready to dump the guy because he had not asked you out within three days of first date.

Not judging just making an observation ...and how a few posts can influence one's entire way of thinking.

But stay positive, that is a good thing.

You sound like a smart woman, you know what you're doing.

Best of luck!

April 12, 2016

I'm not too invested - I do like him, but I have my eyes open. Look, maybe you are guys are right about the planning. I understand what you're saying Eternal Sunshine.

But invested enough to start a thread about it here?

To me, a not-invested person has a comme ci, comme ça attitude. They're not looking at their watch on day three and wondering "why hasn't this guy asked me out again?"

Sorry, I don't mean to pick on you; there's nothing inherently wrong with getting invested early. You should've seen me when I first started doing OLD, I was a MESS. It's not easy being an overanxious attacher, I know.

I'm glad you said something to your busy master's candidate, and I genuinely hope it goes the way you want it to. Good luck.

April 12, 2016

Sorry SM but nobody appointed you as chief censor. I reaffirm my opinion.

Seems a bit rich to suggest I'm trying to censor you (which: nope) while simultaneously laying down the law left and right about what psychological disorders and whatnot are motivating everyone who disagrees with you. There's always the option of civilly disagreeing with other peoples' opinions and offering counterpoints, instead of condescending to them.

OP, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more positive about this. Good luck on the next date!

Edited April 12, 2016 by serial muse

April 12, 2016

But invested enough to start a thread about it here?

To me, a not-invested person has a comme ci, comme ça attitude. They're not looking at their watch on day three and wondering "why hasn't this guy asked me out again?"

Sorry, I don't mean to pick on you; there's nothing inherently wrong with getting invested early. You should've seen me when I first started doing OLD, I was a MESS. It's not easy being an overanxious attacher, I know.

I'm glad you said something to your busy master's candidate, and I genuinely hope it goes the way you want it to. Good luck.

Ha ha. Okay, point taken.

I suppose I'm just *so* rusty when it comes to dating - it's only been 2 years but I feel a bit like a dinosaur! As though I had legitimately forgotten what to do, what's normal, etc! I have been accused of being "too

independent" in past relationships. Sometimes because the guys were needy, sometimes because I am. I don't want to come on too strong, but not too cool either. I suppose I'm just navigating that too. Thank you

April 12, 2016

Seems a bit rich to suggest I'm trying to censor you (which: nope) while simultaneously laying down the law left and right about what psychological disorders and whatnot are motivating everyone who disagrees with you. There's always the option of civilly disagreeing with other peoples' opinions and offering counterpoints, instead of condescending to them.

OP, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more positive about this. Good luck on the next date!

Well crap, why do you want to perpetuate this. 1. Yes you were attempting to censor me when you tried to tell me what to say and not say. 2. I did not attribute and disorders to anyone. I posited that some of those trying to convince her to be unhappy and intolerant of the new guy were projecting their own crap onto her situation by perpetuating that tired, old entitlement mentality. I still believe that's exactly what was going on. I am happy that OP is savvy enough to not bite.

April 12, 2016

Well crap, why do you want to perpetuate this. 1. Yes you were attempting to censor me when you tried to tell me what to say and not say. 2. I did not attribute and disorders to anyone. I posited that some of those trying to convince her to be unhappy and intolerant of the new guy were projecting their own crap onto her situation by perpetuating that tired, old entitlement mentality. I still believe that's exactly what was going on. I am happy that OP is savvy enough to not bite.

Why don't we all just wait and see how this plays out....say in like a few weeks....before anyone (including me) goes patting themselves on the back.

Hope for the best, remain positive.... but take a wait and see approach before coming to a final determination.

sal, you could be right. Then again, all of us negative nellies could be right too.

From experience (and my own gut instinct based on what the OP has shared) it doesn't sound all that promising (despite the Thursday date), but hell I could be wrong!

I hope I am! Too soon to tell.

Edited April 12, 2016 by katiegrl

April 13, 2016

I have no way of knowing that he wouldn't have asked me out. Everything right now is conjecture, because we have only been on one date.

Anyway: I decided to be honest with him. I told him that the slapdash/lack of planning ahead for the first date and now what seemed like the second wasn't going to work for me long-term (if that's how all dates would be). He said he understood and explained why his work had been so busy and would continue to be this week. He then said that "next week we will plan to meet earlier and in the weeks thereafter). I am still keen and open, so we'll see how that goes. If it doesn't go the way I hoped, well I still met a nice guy and it's only been a couple of weeks out of my life!

I know you're saying there are more people out there - but you know what? I get so tired of dating! Or thinking the next fish is going to be the better one. Having so much choice (too much?) in dating actually bothers me sometimes

Hmmm I totally get what your saying. God I'm so tired with dating too! But are you saying that in a sense you are settling because you dont want to put forth the energy to find someone new? If so...I understand, however you will have to put in that energy at some point if/when this guy doesnt work out. You seem like a straight shooter....you dont deserve to put up with a guy that half a**es things.

And yes....I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but OLD takes both time and effort.

Dont settle for a so-so guy, regret it later, then have to start all over again finding someone new.

Ask yourself these things....

Do I deserve to date a guy that puts in as much effort as I want him to?

Am I ok being with a guy (long-term) who doesnt even have time to go out on a date never mind plan one?

Do I really like him even though hes been so wishy washy????

Answer those questions honestly and proceed from there.

Just because he's expressed some wishy washy intrest in you doesnt mean you have to like him back.

****I think you deserve better!!!****

April 13, 2016

Hmmm I totally get what your saying. God I'm so tired with dating too! But are you saying that in a sense you are settling because you dont want to put forth the energy to find someone new? If so...I understand, however you will have to put in that energy at some point if/when this guy doesnt work out. You seem like a straight shooter....you dont deserve to put up with a guy that half a**es things.

And yes....I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but OLD takes both time and effort.

Dont settle for a so-so guy, regret it later, then have to start all over again finding someone new.

Ask yourself these things....

Do I deserve to date a guy that puts in as much effort as I want him to?

Am I ok being with a guy (long-term) who doesnt even have time to go out on a date never mind plan one?

Do I really like him even though hes been so wishy washy????

Answer those questions honestly and proceed from there.

Just because he's expressed some wishy washy intrest in you doesnt mean you have to like him back.

****I think you deserve better!!!****

So glad you are keeping you options open! Also being new to the dating scene is tough for anyone. After a few dates you'll be a pro.

***A few tips though***

Go into every date having a neutral opinion of the guy, not getting sucked in too quick. If you dont like a few things about the guy...deal breakers/feeling like something is off...move on to the next!

And!.... Go into every date with the mindset that you are AWESOME! That way you wont settle for a guy who isnt worth it.

April 14, 2016

You would rather miss out on being with him than to set up a second date since 99% of women expect the man to do that

April 23, 2016

Well crap, why do you want to perpetuate this. 1. Yes you were attempting to censor me when you tried to tell me what to say and not say. 2. I did not attribute and disorders to anyone. I posited that some of those trying to convince her to be unhappy and intolerant of the new guy were projecting their own crap onto her situation by perpetuating that tired, old entitlement mentality. I still believe that's exactly what was going on. I am happy that OP is savvy enough to not bite.

So, an update. We had a great second date, lots of great conversation & easy chemistry. Arguably a little too coupley, with a lot of sporadic kissing throughout & he took my hand walking down the street. But I felt very happy and calm with him, in the moment. He told me he is not dating anyone else/doesn't intend to. Despite that...

He did not ask me for a third date at the end of the second. He did contact me as soon as I got home saying he hoped I had had a great time. I said I did and said I would like to go out again next week (which he said a vague yes to, but overall ignored, in my opinion). We have been in touch daily since then. The 2nd date was three days ago. I think he has some great qualities and I love spending time with him - but I need him to be more proactive. It's a turn off when he's not! He hadn't even made concrete plans for his weekend, so I think he is not a planner. But I feel a little blown off. At this point I am not planning to respond to his last text (short message saying he hoped I enjoyed an evening with friends) because I feel frustrated.

April 23, 2016

You are annoying! If you like him ask him out too. What is wrong with you?

April 23, 2016

So, an update. We had a great second date, lots of great conversation & easy chemistry. Arguably a little too coupley, with a lot of sporadic kissing throughout & he took my hand walking down the street. But I felt very happy and calm with him, in the moment. He told me he is not dating anyone else/doesn't intend to. Despite that...

He did not ask me for a third date at the end of the second. He did contact me as soon as I got home saying he hoped I had had a great time. I said I did and said I would like to go out again next week (which he said a vague yes to, but overall ignored, in my opinion). We have been in touch daily since then. The 2nd date was three days ago. I think he has some great qualities and I love spending time with him - but I need him to be more proactive. It's a turn off when he's not! He hadn't even made concrete plans for his weekend, so I think he is not a planner. But I feel a little blown off. At this point I am not planning to respond to his last text (short message saying he hoped I enjoyed an evening with friends) because I feel frustrated.

Do you actually feel turned off, or just overly anxious?

We all feel anxious in these early stages. Some people self-sabotage due to feeling so anxious.

Try and relax, and please don't start playing the ignore game.

Think positive. You had another great date. He texted you after.

This is all good!

I am not quite getting why you are so frustrated.

It sounds to me like he is quite interested in you.

Trust in your connection and that he will ask you again when he knows his schedule.

Lower expectations.

It is still very very early.

April 23, 2016

I have found in the past when I was dating guys they were usually pretty quick to try to scoop up my weekends before someone else did. I would imagine that's because they were interested enough to do so.

It seems kind of odd that he's taking you out on a Wednesday night but not trying to see you on the weekends and was vague when you suggested getting together next week.

I don't believe him when he says he's not dating others. He's got other pokers in the fire and I think that's why he's so non-committal about setting anything up.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

April 23, 2016

OP, did you ask if he was dating others or did he just offer that info on his own?

If he lied, that's bad of course....

Lying = dealbreaker. For me.

But after only 2 dates, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if he is still keeping options open. You should as well.

You guys aren't having sex, are you?

Anyway, I think it's wrong to assume he lied ... there is zero evidence of that.

Clearly he still wants to maintain a certain amount of distance, hence why no weekend plans.

If that continues for say another 2-3 dates, then that's different.

But he's in touch every day. Two great dates. You both had a great time, lots of chemistry. He contacted you afterwards and has maintained contact. All positive.

Let it progress gradually and naturally.

Let HIM be the one to initiate the third date, you initiated the first two which is why I think you are unsure, feeling anxious, turned off.

This is precisely why it is recommended to let the man initiate the first few dates. So we know he is interested, and we are not left wondering about it and feeling anxious as a result.

It also alleviates a precedent being set that you will do all/most of the initiating.... and pursuing.

Yeah some guys will argue with this, who cares. They're not the ones who experience this, women are.

Anyway. relax and chill, again only two dates.

Edited April 23, 2016 by katiegrl

April 23, 2016

OP, did you ask if he was dating others or did he just offer that info on his own?

If he lied, that's bad of course....

Lying = dealbreaker. For me.

But after only 2 dates, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if he is still keeping options open. You should as well.

You guys aren't having sex, are you?

Anyway, I think it's wrong to assume he lied ... there is zero evidence of that.

Clearly he still wants to maintain a certain amount of distance, hence why no weekend plans.

If that continues for say another 2-3 dates, then that's different.

But he's in touch every day. Two great dates. You both had a great time, lots of chemistry. He contacted you afterwards and has maintained contact. All positive.

Let it progress gradually and naturally.

Let HIM be the one to initiate the third date, you initiated the first two which is why I think you are unsure, feeling anxious, turned off.

This is precisely why it is recommended to let the man initiate the first few dates. So we know he is interested, and we are not left wondering about it and feeling anxious as a result.

It also alleviates a precedent being set that you will do all/most of the initiating.... and pursuing.

Yeah some guys will argue with this, who cares. They're not the ones who experience this, women are.

Anyway. relax and chill, again only two dates.

Thanks katiegirl. I don't think he lied - I find him quite transparent and generally I do pick good guys. Obviously they haven't exactly worked out so far ...but none of them have been liars yet.

He is pursuing me again now so obviously I have jumped the gun a bit

Something happened last year - basically my best friend rejected me and before that, my ex broke up with me. Prior to this I had no experience with rejection and it was a shock to the system. I don't know if I'm almost expecting to be dropped or what. I really don't want to sabotage a good thing!

I think that maybe I'm scared to put myself out there. When we were last together, I felt something quite strong - like an 'uh-oh, this could be something' which I have had once before in the early stages of a particular LT relationship. He told me he is feeling a strong connection too. I think I'm a bit scared of it.

My neurotic friend pointed out that I needed to chill. When she says this it really means it is true I will need to keep a check on myself and try to enjoy the pace. Thank you again.

April 23, 2016

I have found in the past when I was dating guys they were usually pretty quick to try to scoop up my weekends before someone else did. I would imagine that's because they were interested enough to do so.

It seems kind of odd that he's taking you out on a Wednesday night but not trying to see you on the weekends and was vague when you suggested getting together next week.

I don't believe him when he says he's not dating others. He's got other pokers in the fire and I think that's why he's so non-committal about setting anything up.

I'm not sure about this because when he asked if I was seeing others, I was transparent in saying I was going on others dates and told him it was perfectly fine for him to be honest if he was too. That would have been the opening there.

He basically laughed and said he was not and had no intention of doing so. I don't think he's lying to me. But it takes time to really know someone.

April 23, 2016

You are annoying! If you like him ask him out too. What is wrong with you?

my point exactly

April 23, 2016

But what sort of a way is it to court someone, so to speak? Sending me messages filling me in on all his plans that don't include me over the weekend, with no mention of meeting again? It's off to me. Something about it...feels off. Maybe I'm wrong though.

OK this guy is already backing off...your friend is right. When a man IS interested he will make plans to see you again asap. After my first date with my husband, he wasted no time asking me out to see a movie the next night. The rest is history.

April 24, 2016

OK this guy is already backing off...your friend is right. When a man IS interested he will make plans to see you again asap. After my first date with my husband, he wasted no time asking me out to see a movie the next night. The rest is history.

I think you have said before, if I'm not mistaken, you don't mind making the first move as a woman right?

April 25, 2016

I think you have said before, if I'm not mistaken, you don't mind making the first move as a woman right?

Well, I have decided to speak to him tomorrow and tell him it's clear that we want different things, but I had a great time with him. It's been 3 weeks now and truly, I don't regret a moment of it.

He did not ask me for a third date even when I told him what days I was free. Instead? He tells me has just booked a trip with friends with no mention of meeting again. So I told him to enjoy the trip and let me know when he wanted to meet again (because I have no interest in just having a daily text/phone buddy). Immediately he said he was going to be really busy planning the trip this week, then gave me the option of meeting on two different days next week.

The point is: I do not want to go out with a guy I have to ask out and each time, and who I really feel isn't interested in me when we are apart. It is a shame too, because we had a connection. It is with a heavy heart I'll have to do it :(I feel quite upset actually. But I can't make him match my interest level.

Edited April 25, 2016 by Lovezen_30

April 25, 2016

I think he has some great qualities and I love spending time with him - but I need him to be more proactive. It's a turn off when he's not! He hadn't even made concrete plans for his weekend, so I think he is not a planner. But I feel a little blown off. At this point I am not planning to respond to his last text (short message saying he hoped I enjoyed an evening with friends) because I feel frustrated.

Well, you gave it a good try. No regrets. I applaud your openness and flexibility. Continue being that way and avoid the gender stereotypes. The "men are supposed to do this or that" morsels are no more relevant than the ones about women. Being more open expands the likelihood of finding a good match. Sorry this one wasn't it.

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Great first date, no second date planned - do I move on if he doesn't initiate?

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