Hurting me, hurting others

[Jersey born raised]

I think Georgia girl has the defacto right, unless you get a good attorney and work for a good size company. The law is on your side in this case.

 

My brother's company (US based) has manufacturing plants on several contents and sells world wide. Several years ago they hired a new CEO, and paid him and his family to relocate form Austria. His first day on the job at a holiday party he proposition two woman for a threesome. The CEO showed up at his room at 7 am, terminated him and flew him back to his country before the end of the day.

 

His company was not going to allow themselves to be dragged into a lawsuits.

I and others have told you point blank he is a player. As such he loves the way he feels when you give in. He does not love you. Understand if you start to push him for a future, he will push you out of your employment unless you protect yourself.

[elaine567]

My brother's company (US based) has manufacturing plants on several contents and sells world wide. Several years ago they hired a new CEO, and paid him and his family to relocate form Austria.

His first day on the job at a holiday party he proposition two woman for a threesome.

OMG, he didn't hang about.

Carpe diem I suppose.

[Jersey born raised]

Yea he did. The really odd thing is the man he repaired had a mistress overseas that was an open secret and his US wife was suing fir divorce and I understand the divorce was ugly. Yet he was not fired.

 

The difference was none of the woman where every employed by the company and he never spent a dime of the company's on personal matter. In fact my brother said he was very ridged on that front.

[Messy Lady]

"He went on to say that he loves working with me and would hate that to be spoilt by either us being caught or eventually one of us pushing the other one away and causing tension between us."

 

 

You know the rules now.

 

You don't want your job spoilt. He LOVES being your boss.

Don't confess to your H or get caught.

Don't push him away...always say YES!

 

I took it as we both love our jobs and our working relationship with each other. Stop before we get caught and stop before we get too involved and one of us ends up hurting the other by pushing them away.

 

 

 

I think Georgia girl has the defacto right, unless you get a good attorney and work for a good size company. The law is on your side in this case.

 

My brother's company (US based) has manufacturing plants on several contents and sells world wide. Several years ago they hired a new CEO, and paid him and his family to relocate form Austria. His first day on the job at a holiday party he proposition two woman for a threesome. The CEO showed up at his room at 7 am, terminated him and flew him back to his country before the end of the day.

 

His company was not going to allow themselves to be dragged into a lawsuits.

I and others have told you point blank he is a player. As such he loves the way he feels when you give in. He does not love you. Understand if you start to push him for a future, he will push you out of your employment unless you protect yourself.

 

I know he doesn't love me. I don't love him either. I know he would never leave his wife and I would not want to leave my husband either.

[ShatteredLady]

We know that! Can you see that were trying everything to save you from the blinding agony that's waiting for you & your real love if you don't stop this? It's like watching a slow motion train wreck. PLEASE.

[Messy Lady]

He and I are going to try and have a proper talk about what has been going in between us later today. We have never really done that before. Certainly yesterday we were both of the opinion that what we did at work last week was going too far. I understood our conversation yesterday morning as an "it's over" one (even if said by him and not me). Though it didn't stop him being playful with me the rest of the day.

 

He and I really need this chance to talk properly.

[lftbehind]

He and I are going to try and have a proper talk about what has been going in between us later today. We have never really done that before. Certainly yesterday we were both of the opinion that what we did at work last week was going too far. I understood our conversation yesterday morning as an "it's over" one (even if said by him and not me). Though it didn't stop him being playful with me the rest of the day.

 

He and I really need this chance to talk properly.

 

He's still being playful with you, which shows that the whole thing is a game to him. My boss was playing similar games with me recently and I have decided to just try to be cordial with him and not try to be friends. I think that he liked to feel like he had this hold on me and control over me, which is not what I want. He wanted for me to chase him. I feel better since I shut the whole thing down. I have a thread about it in the General Discussion section.

[TaraMaiden2]

Kasparov vs Fisher.

 

Fisher plays like he has his hands tied behind his back, but in fact, is as free as a bird to play checkmate.

However, for some reason best known to himself, he remains obtuse and apparently unaware, although he has every opportunity to kick Kasparov into the touchline.

 

Kasparov in the meantime, is moving his pieces around with gay abandon, and further compounding the match by also poking Fisher's pieces, and fiddling them round the chessboard as he sees fit. He is greatly amused by this.

 

People are watching this chess-game, and have come to the conclusion that it's a dumb one, and that it's about time Fisher stopped acting in such a ridiculous manner.

[getsmartie]

You say you love your H? How can someone who claims to love their spouse disrespect them in this way?

 

Your actions tell a much different story.

[Grapesofwrath]

I absolutely do not hate my husband. I love my husband very much. I also do not have contempt for him. You are so very wrong in your assumptions.

 

If this is the case, then the next question would be, "what does love mean to you?" Your actions are not that of a person who loves and respects her husband very much.

[Messy Lady]

If this is the case, then the next question would be, "what does love mean to you?" Your actions are not that of a person who loves and respects her husband very much.

 

I think my actions are more those of a person who does not love and respect herself very much.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think my actions are more those of a person who does not love and respect herself very much.

 

Insightful.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

[Messy Lady]

He and I met today for lunch, part in celebration of both of us receiving good news recently and then making it a working lunch too. We also used it as an opportunity to talk about what has been happening between us. We both agreed it had gone too far last week, that it was wrong and highly dangerous for us both. He then said we had to stop - he's happily married, if his wife was unfaithful he'd leave her, etc. I agreed that we should stop too.

 

I feel cr*p at the moment. Things that were said during lunch support criticisms of him made here. He said at one stage that he is the dominant one, not me. He made a comment about a sexual act and saying that I would like to do that to him. He also asked what colour my underwear was - and if I was wearing any! As we left the restaurant, he asked me to join him in his car. It ended up feeling like he wanted me to make a move on him so he could turn me down.

 

So he is all contradictions. Saying it's over but flirting, teasing, sexual undertones. Saying it's over but inviting me into his car for no good reason.

 

He's making me feel as if this is all my doing but he's been as bad as me. This whole thing whereby if he makes a move in me then that is ok but I cannot make a move on him is just twisted.

 

He says he's never done anything like this before. He has said that several times including today though he has said that he has plenty of opportunities. I suppose that could be true. But I also suppose it could be said to make him look innocent whilst I am the one at fault or how I should be grateful for his attention.

 

I don't trust him to not make another move on me. Push. Pull. Push. Pull.

 

This is just turning into such a mess now as I need to manage my working relationship with him.

[TaraMaiden2]

Did you go to his car?

I bet you did.

Why do you always have to do what he wants or suggests?

 

Vis-a-vis my previous post - your hands are NOT tied behind your back. You know it, we know it.

 

Stop being a damn wimp and be the professional woman you keep telling us you are.

[Grapesofwrath]

He and I met today for lunch, part in celebration of both of us receiving good news recently and then making it a working lunch too. We also used it as an opportunity to talk about what has been happening between us. We both agreed it had gone too far last week, that it was wrong and highly dangerous for us both. He then said we had to stop - he's happily married, if his wife was unfaithful he'd leave her, etc. I agreed that we should stop too.

 

I feel cr*p at the moment. Things that were said during lunch support criticisms of him made here. He said at one stage that he is the dominant one, not me. He made a comment about a sexual act and saying that I would like to do that to him. He also asked what colour my underwear was - and if I was wearing any! As we left the restaurant, he asked me to join him in his car. It ended up feeling like he wanted me to make a move on him so he could turn me down.

 

So he is all contradictions. Saying it's over but flirting, teasing, sexual undertones. Saying it's over but inviting me into his car for no good reason.

 

He's making me feel as if this is all my doing but he's been as bad as me. This whole thing whereby if he makes a move in me then that is ok but I cannot make a move on him is just twisted.

 

He says he's never done anything like this before. He has said that several times including today though he has said that he has plenty of opportunities. I suppose that could be true. But I also suppose it could be said to make him look innocent whilst I am the one at fault or how I should be grateful for his attention.

 

I don't trust him to not make another move on me. Push. Pull. Push. Pull.

 

This is just turning into such a mess now as I need to manage my working relationship with him.

 

When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to see the manipulation at work here. Read back what you wrote. You are on a "business" lunch and he asks you about your underwear? He tells you that you have gone too far, must stop, he loves his wife, happily married...and then informs you what sexual acts you would like to perform on him? At a "working lunch?"

 

Very sadistic. It's clear that he is turned on by demeaning you.

 

Whether he makes a move on you again or not is of no consequence. Because you are no longer participating in this dynamic. Time to show up for yourself. Time to take care of yourself. Time to walk away. All business from here out. No conversations in the car.

[Messy Lady]

Did you go to his car?

I bet you did.

Why do you always have to do what he wants or suggests?

 

Vis-a-vis my previous post - your hands are NOT tied behind your back. You know it, we know it.

 

Stop being a damn wimp and be the professional woman you keep telling us you are.

 

Yes I was a wimp and got into his car. In terms of work, I am the only person who will disagree with him and be comfortable telling him I disagree with him. Yet when it comes to the non work side, I am pathetic. He made the comment about being the dominant one two or three times. It makes me feel humiliated that I let him have this control over me. He has said before when it was supposedly over between us that he could have me any time he wanted.

[Messy Lady]

When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to see the manipulation at work here. Read back what you wrote. You are on a "business" lunch and he asks you about your underwear? He tells you that you have gone too far, must stop, he loves his wife, happily married...and then informs you what sexual acts you would like to perform on him? At a "working lunch?"

 

Very sadistic. It's clear that he is turned on by demeaning you.

 

Whether he makes a move on you again or not is of no consequence. Because you are no longer participating in this dynamic. Time to show up for yourself. Time to take care of yourself. Time to walk away. All business from here out. No conversations in the car.

 

That's just it Grapes. In the moment, I don't see the manipulation. I enjoy being with him and how he makes me feel. Yet away from him, I feel used and foolish at times.

 

I need to remember how I feel now when I am back in work.

[ChickiePops]

That's just it Grapes. In the moment, I don't see the manipulation. I enjoy being with him and how he makes me feel. Yet away from him, I feel used and foolish at times.

 

I need to remember how I feel now when I am back in work.

 

And this tiny bit of attention is worth risking your marriage and career for?

 

Next time he asks you to lunch, imagine the look on your husbands face if he was with you. If you can't stop for your own sake, stop for his.

[Grapesofwrath]

That's just it Grapes. In the moment, I don't see the manipulation. I enjoy being with him and how he makes me feel. Yet away from him, I feel used and foolish at times.

 

I need to remember how I feel now when I am back in work.

 

Right down a few salient points. Right down your feelings now, when you're not with him. Keep it in your pocket AT ALL TIMES. When he starts manipulating you again, excuse yourself to the ladies and read it. Then grab your purse and head for the door.

 

To tell you that it's over, but that he can have you any time he wants, is the absolute height of arrogance, entitlement, and insult. I still suggest you seek IC to figure out why you are rendered helpless in the moment by someone who clearly means you harm. Particularly when you have a loving spouse at home. Many of us would give a lot to have that.

[2broken]

He has a huge amount of respect for me for my work and values me highly as a colleague. I know this for a fact. So how can he then use me the way he does? How does he manage to have this respect for me yet be able to use me? I don't understand.

 

Messy, This is tough love coming your way- your H and AP's W should be the ones asking those questions of the two of you.

 

I hope for you to understand the extensive damage you have caused both of them- not in the future- but already by your choices, presently, every day, with every contact, and every time you flirt and more. Each one of these actions is a choice you make, each time, and each of these actions hurts your H and his W, in a way you cannot imagine.

 

Your H, when he finds out- not if - but when- will feel worthless, used, depressed, betrayed- and it will take him YEARS to overcome the betrayal. You have already changed him forever- he just does not know it yet. He will forever imagine you in the arms of another man, imagine your intimate touches, and be deeply pained by it. He will be in pain by knowing that you enjoyed the company of another more than his, and that you willingly hurt him profoundly, and destroyed his faith in marriage. He will have to muster the energy to pick himself up every morning to face the pain you have inflicted upon him, without his consent.

 

Why are you doing that to him, a man you profess to love, respect and admire? If you choose to bring pain upon yourself, that's on you- you made a choice- but your husband did NOT make that choice for himself. Neither did the AP's W.

 

You have very clear options (not so your H- you have given him none before dragging him into the most painful experience of his life):

 

1. Try to save your marriage: This will REQUIRE that you TELL your H about your affair AND leave your job. No ifs or buts about it. Even then, your M may not be saved. It requires both you and your H to work very hard and for YEARS to try, and after inflicting that kind of pain on him- he has the heavier burden because through all that pain, he needs to learn to forgive you.

 

OR

 

2. Continue as you are with the affair. In that case, be kind to your H and divorce him NOW- give him a chance to find his own happiness. Then seek individual counseling. You will need it if you wish to achieve some happiness- you will need to forgive yourself and that too will be very difficult to do. You will need to understand your actions. Let AP worry about his own. Your responsibility is that which you owe to yourself.

 

OR

 

3.--- There is no third option.

[elaine567]

In terms of work, I am the only person who will disagree with him and be comfortable telling him I disagree with him. Yet when it comes to the non work side, I am pathetic. He made the comment about being the dominant one two or three times. It makes me feel humiliated that I let him have this control over me. He has said before when it was supposedly over between us that he could have me any time he wanted.

 

He is probably not that happy about you disagreeing with him at work, it makes him feel less in control and probably hurts his ego a little bit - he is your boss after all.

He is probably very aware of your strengths in the work-place, and so he lets you get away with it so far, as he most likely has little choice in the matter.

BUT he gets even by humiliating you in this affair. He reduces your worth to underwear and a sex act... He snaps his fingers and you come running.

He is demolishing you bit by bit...

[Messy Lady]

He is probably not that happy about you disagreeing with him at work, it makes him feel less in control and probably hurts his ego a little bit - he is your boss after all.

He is probably very aware of your strengths in the work-place, and so he lets you get away with it so far, as he most likely has little choice in the matter.

BUT he gets even by humiliating you in this affair. He reduces your worth to underwear and a sex act... He snaps his fingers and you come running.

He is demolishing you bit by bit...

 

Actually this is something I would disagree on. He gets frustrated with "yes men" especially if they always wait to hear his opinion before they will express theirs. There have also been times when I have changed his mind about some decisions.

[elaine567]

Actually this is something I would disagree on. He gets frustrated with "yes men" especially if they always wait to hear his opinion before they will express theirs. There have also been times when I have changed his mind about some decisions.

...and

You missed the point.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes I was a wimp and got into his car. In terms of work, I am the only person who will disagree with him and be comfortable telling him I disagree with him. Yet when it comes to the non work side, I am pathetic.

Work and social are two completely different environments. Work, you feel self-assured, confident, professional, self-assured. You have what it takes, because you're experienced and qualified.

In private, you are the complete antithesis of the above. And I think this is what he finds so fascinating to be able to manipulate. You have two very different personas.

That's what he finds so alluring. That you are so capable and confident in the workplace, but so weak, submissive and compliant outside of it.

He loves being able to bring both those aspects to the fore. It gives him a buzz to know both sides of you exist, and they both behave so differently with him.

 

He made the comment about being the dominant one two or three times. It makes me feel humiliated that I let him have this control over me

When will this humiliation be enough? Just when will you stand back, and permit the professional in you, decide "That's enough, I need to pack this in, and pack it in, now!"....?

 

He has said before when it was supposedly over between us that he could have me any time he wanted.

God, I feel like slapping him.

Don't you? I mean, really - DON'T you...?!

This lacks respect to a disgusting degree.

[rainbowsandkittens]

If the things he says were coming from another coworker, one that you're not attracted to, wouldn't you be horrified? Wouldn't you consider this disgusting?

 

If at all possible, I think you need to try and separate the personal from the professional- if only for the purpose of this discussion. Because you keep going back to the way he feels about you at work. In a way, that's meaningless. Because the things he's saying to you, the way he demeans you (and telling you he could have you any time he wanted is demeaning, if not a little threatening), the way he treats you on a personal level is NOT OKAY. At all. And I think maybe the professional (He values me! He respects me! He values my opinion!) is clouding the point: He is hurting you. He is being awful towards you. Playing with your emotions. Using you. This doesn't just effect your work. It effects who you are a person and will have lasting effects that will hurt more than you can imagine.

 

Please distance yourself from this guys. IC is a great start!