Thanks to This Forum, Day 1 of NC.

[privategal]

Like I said above, the filtering and forwarding is affecting all of my emails - not just his. Obviously, I'm doing something wrong in the settings and need someone more computer literate than I am to figure it out.

 

I know you're giving me tough love, and I appreciate it. I really do. And I completely agree with everything you're saying. He IS someone else's world.

 

I am dating someone else...well, I was up until last night, but that's for another thread, and I am doing all the "right" things - making new friends, seeing a counselor, AD's, exercising more, coming here to get my butt kicked, etc. But I have my weak moments too, more than I originally thought.

 

It would be cooler, sweeter, nicer, and likely easier on you for me to say aw, well you will have weak moments, its ok, we all break NC etc....

But then it gets you nowhere.

Heres what I did...

I created a new email...I changed my linkedin, fb, etc. and notified by address list, friends and family of my new address...then I CLOSED my old address.

Was it convenient? No

Was it a pain? Yes

Did it highlight that there was no going back and it was taking away the last place he could get to reach me? Yes

Was that hard and hurtful? Yes

 

But it was for me.

It was saying...if Im ever going to stop looking for his message, accept the end, let go, heal...then Ive got to take some strong definate steps for myself.

The short term pain of no FB, no calls or emails, will eventually lead to true freedon and peace and letting it be the past. No new pain...no slipping back, I got serious for myself so I could stop obsessing and protect my heart and heal.

Please consider doing the same. You are dragging out the goodbye. Time to get honest about your future.

This isnt a dress rehearsal, you can never get these days back.

[Chuff]

So, something has changed. Or, rather, someone.

 

Me.

 

Partly because of privategal's tough love, I'm sure...but also because the thought of having to change MY email and go through the HUGE hassle of updating everything connected to it - banking, credit cards, etc. REALLY ticked me off. F*ck that sh*t. He's not worth all that.

 

Dating again has definitely helped, as does confiding in a couple of trusted friends who keep me grounded and laughing.

 

I don't think about him all day anymore. And when I do receive an email, I laugh and hit delete.

 

When I allow myself to think about him, I shake my head and smile.

 

That's a good sign, right?

 

Thanks for p*ssing me off in your own loving way, privategal.

[stilltrying16]

That's so great! Rooting for you.

[Chuff]

That's so great! Rooting for you.

 

Thank you! I am, too.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Keep going Chuff! I'm in NC myself, and even with all ups, downs, and meltdowns - I can't give up.

[Girlfromcali]

You seem a very strong person. I am very proud of you!

[Grapesofwrath]

atta girl, Chuff! Keep going. You've got this.

[BuddyX]

"whoever cares the least has the most power"?

And you are on your way.

Good luck

[privategal]

Awe yay!!

I think you are healing!

Im glad I pissed you off then haha!

Yeah, trust me I let the makeup breakup dance go on for yeaarsss.

You arent missing anything.

Every single thing he has to say is a waste of time.

I still wish you deleted the email...its just that freedom.

Not, will he or wont he stop messaging its the control and therefore PEACE that he CANT and its symbolic of making him dead to you!

I hope you dont have a weak moment or bad day and soften and read his stuff and communicate.

I have watched that scenario unfold here hundreds of times too.

Stay strong. Xo

[Chuff]

Keep going Chuff! I'm in NC myself, and even with all ups, downs, and meltdowns - I can't give up.

 

 

Don't give up! You've come so far already. You worked too hard to get to this point to hand over your power to someone who doesn't give a rat's *ss about your heart.

 

You've got this!

[Chuff]

atta girl, Chuff! Keep going. You've got this.

 

Thanks Grapes! Only time will tell, as we all know.

 

Reading some of your posts on other threads has helped me immensely!!!

 

xoxo

[Chuff]

"whoever cares the least has the most power"?

And you are on your way.

Good luck

 

I LOVE this quote. So much truth here. THIS is what convinced me that I don't *have* to respond to him anymore. Thank you!

[Chuff]

Awe yay!!

I think you are healing!

Im glad I pissed you off then haha!

Yeah, trust me I let the makeup breakup dance go on for yeaarsss.

You arent missing anything.

Every single thing he has to say is a waste of time.

I still wish you deleted the email...its just that freedom.

Not, will he or wont he stop messaging its the control and therefore PEACE that he CANT and its symbolic of making him dead to you!

I hope you dont have a weak moment or bad day and soften and read his stuff and communicate.

I have watched that scenario unfold here hundreds of times too.

Stay strong. Xo

 

You totally crack me up. I've been reading so many of your recent "tough love" posts on other threads and I think you were a little gentler on me than with some of the others. lololol

 

3 intense months, even without sex, is hard enough...but 15 years???? HOW did you break the chains that bound you????

 

I did have a weak moment last night - pity party, table for one. The guy I dated for 2 weeks is a terrible communicator and got pouty because I wouldn't sleep with him on our 2nd date, so I ended things. But I wasn't tempted in the least to contact exMM. I texted with a girlfriend instead and treated myself to carryout Chinese food.

 

I am saving his emails in an archive just in case. I know his wife and her head is buried in the sand.

 

Thanks for being here and sharing your wisdom, privategal!!! xoxo

[privategal]

You totally crack me up. I've been reading so many of your recent "tough love" posts on other threads and I think you were a little gentler on me than with some of the others. lololol

 

3 intense months, even without sex, is hard enough...but 15 years???? HOW did you break the chains that bound you????

 

I did have a weak moment last night - pity party, table for one. The guy I dated for 2 weeks is a terrible communicator and got pouty because I wouldn't sleep with him on our 2nd date, so I ended things. But I wasn't tempted in the least to contact exMM. I texted with a girlfriend instead and treated myself to carryout Chinese food.

 

I am saving his emails in an archive just in case. I know his wife and her head is buried in the sand.

 

Thanks for being here and sharing your wisdom, privategal!!! xoxo

 

Oh man, I dont know...I was one of those nice girls, loyal and forgiving to a fault...looking back Ive put up with some of the biggest cruelest deal breakers of all TIME from xeap and still went back for more because being apart and losing all the time and effort we put in caused so much distress and trauma that Id rather somehow dwell in an unhealthy 'friendship' than be abandoned.

So we would make up from a break and go through that 'honeymoon' phase of I love you, miss you, blissful happy talk all day kinda phase until the bitterness and resentment of the past, or his conflict avoidant ways set in again...repeat cycle.

The good times were so good, the closeness and memories and inside jokes, secret language, they just keep a nice girl like me on the line forever.

 

In the end I moved far away. He started to lose his grip on me. I got tattoos (he didnt like them) I colored my hair blonder (he liked it dark) I was more independent, stopped initiating, started speaking my mind or calling him out on bs when I was usually more of a doormat....I stopped all flirting and didnt take the bait when I sensed he was tryinh to coach me back into ea territory, my persistance of platonic and not budging Im sure became frustrating.

He was losing me, the control over me.

After some time...I ended it completely but went back and felt it was disloyal and hurtful.

2 weeks later he ended it for good.

It was devastating to lose a friend and that history and not be able to spare the platonic portion but it had become toxic.

I wasted YEARS on him and allowed it.

My tough love is from a warm place.

Im 40 but feel 70.

I survived an emotional WAR and gained nothing. So I wanna help these girls find their power and not stay trapped and helpless.

[Ophelia25]

Oh man, I dont know...I was one of those nice girls, loyal and forgiving to a fault...looking back Ive put up with some of the biggest cruelest deal breakers of all TIME from xeap and still went back for more because being apart and losing all the time and effort we put in caused so much distress and trauma that Id rather somehow dwell in an unhealthy 'friendship' than be abandoned.

So we would make up from a break and go through that 'honeymoon' phase of I love you, miss you, blissful happy talk all day kinda phase until the bitterness and resentment of the past, or his conflict avoidant ways set in again...repeat cycle.

The good times were so good, the closeness and memories and inside jokes, secret language, they just keep a nice girl like me on the line forever.

 

In the end I moved far away. He started to lose his grip on me. I got tattoos (he didnt like them) I colored my hair blonder (he liked it dark) I was more independent, stopped initiating, started speaking my mind or calling him out on bs when I was usually more of a doormat....I stopped all flirting and didnt take the bait when I sensed he was tryinh to coach me back into ea territory, my persistance of platonic and not budging Im sure became frustrating.

He was losing me, the control over me.

After some time...I ended it completely but went back and felt it was disloyal and hurtful.

2 weeks later he ended it for good.

It was devastating to lose a friend and that history and not be able to spare the platonic portion but it had become toxic.

I wasted YEARS on him and allowed it.

My tough love is from a warm place.

Im 40 but feel 70.

I survived an emotional WAR and gained nothing. So I wanna help these girls find their power and not stay trapped and helpless.

 

I see many similarities in my situation, though I suppose we are all similar in a lot of ways. But, yeah, I have been a doormat for awhile, and I'm not really sure where that came from and how to combat it. Maybe IC will help that part of it. I just got to where I wanted him so much and in whatever capacity he would agree to that I lost my grip on, well, life in general. And he has taken such advantage of that, to the point that I blame myself for the majority of the ****ty things he does. Things like, oh, he stopped talking to me for four days, I must have been too clingy or needy or something...

 

I hope that I am not going to string this out for another 8 years, but I also keep getting little hints that maybe I'm getting to where he's losing some of the control over me. I'm finding his lameass attempts at a purely sex-centered relationship tedious and unappealing. Yes, I'm still turned on by being desired, and I still have those feelings toward him. I'm also still too wimpy to end it. But my resistance seems to be growing a little, and I'm hoping I can get to where you are before too terribly long.

[privategal]

Ophelia,

The hot/cold and I want you, dont want you, text you like crazy then ghost you for days...I experienced all that so each time he was "back" Id be more insecure slowly, Id be changing myself to prevent him pulling away again.

I was deep in a fog, lost myself.

The friendship aspect just went on forever because you both just become really trapped and hooked.

The makeup-breakup itself is its own addiction.

In regular friendships, relationships none of us would ever accept certain events but the affairs change you and morph you into someone you dont recognize.

It just became SO unhealthy.

I see perfectly now my contribution, how I got lost in it...how while inside the relatiinship it all seemed normal.

I thought I was just a good kind loyal person.

I also was addicted to his kindness to me and thought it was just a really intense friendship.

I got an apology 12 days ago from him, I should update my thread...I just gave a 5 word civil reply and he responded and I let the response go.

It was the hardest thing Ive done.

Our seperation as friends now is final.

Ive never believed that before...but Im derermined.

Every day is easier.

[Chuff]

My tough love is from a warm place.

Im 40 but feel 70.

I survived an emotional WAR and gained nothing. So I wanna help these girls find their power and not stay trapped and helpless.

 

Not true! You gained so much self awareness and independence and inner strength and compassion. You're only 40 - you're in the prime of your life. Reach for the stars, girl, and never settle for less.

 

Thank you for being here.

[privategal]

Not true! You gained so much self awareness and independence and inner strength and compassion. You're only 40 - you're in the prime of your life. Reach for the stars, girl, and never settle for less.

 

Thank you for being here.

 

Thank you!! Rooting for you and for Ophelia and everyone hurting here.

I can see change is possible even if its a long hard road we can make it!

Keep posting for support!! Xo

[2016forme]

Hello. I was reading your story and I found it to be very interesting. Please don't allow your self to fall into the vicious cycle of going back to your married man. I have discovered that sometimes married men will tell their woman anything just so that they can get what they want when they want. Just think to your self "is this the kind of life I want to live?"

 

A relationship with a married man can be intoxicating for a moment. But you will feel lost and empty in the process. Don't allow yourself to be second best. Look forward. Occupy yourself with friends and family. Make yourself busy. Don't look back into the pitfall of your married man. It's all a trap for you. Don't set yourself up for failure. Stick to your goals. Good luck with NC.

[Girlfromcali]

Thank you everybody so much for sharing your stories. This is like free therapy for me. It hurts and heals the same time.

[Chuff]

So...when he says in an email, "at least let me know how your doing. Biopsy results,

Life in general,

Training,

 

 

I do care....."

 

He's full of sh*t, right?

 

I know the answer already. Don't worry. I didn't respond. Besides, he spelled my name wrong. :laugh:

[Girlfromcali]

So...when he says in an email, "at least let me know how your doing. Biopsy results,

Life in general,

Training,

 

 

I do care....."

 

He's full of sh*t, right?

 

I know the answer already. Don't worry. I didn't respond. Besides, he spelled my name wrong. :laugh:

 

Ha ha...my xAP texted me "I muss you" last week. What does that mean? Seriously, you don't even bother to text those three words correctly

[Chuff]

The last email for the evening said that he was going to come by my house tomorrow to check on me and to say hi.

 

This is one of the reasons why I wanted to read all of his emails. I don't like being caught off guard especially in this case.

 

After talking to one of my confidantes who knows both of us, she convinced me to email him back JUST THIS ONCE and tell him that I would tell his wife if he does.

 

Enough is enough. He has absolutely no respect for me and doesn't care about my feelings at all.

 

Knowing (now) how much of a coward he is, I would bet that I won't hear from him again.

[Grapesofwrath]

Biopsy results? Chuff...are you okay, health-wise?

[Chuff]

Biopsy results? Chuff...are you okay, health-wise?

 

Totally. It came back negative.

 

Thank you for showing more concern than exMM did at the time. lol