Should I contact the OM and tell him she is married?

[cgiles]

If you want to destroy their relationship, and save your marriage, you need to be ready to lose it.

 

Do you know where the date will happens ?

 

If yes, file for divorce, and get her served at her date.

 

And another thing, plan something for the day of the date, don't be her babysitter.

 

Even if it's just going in a bar, watching sport, or to a nice restaurant.

 

Make it clear you won't help her to make her affair evolves.

 

Contact a lawyer, and see if you can contact her company, and state you plan to sue them for alienation of affection, if she goes to this work trip.

[Jersey born raised]

I am sorry Lance your marriage is dead andshe has moved on. I read your first post, saw mid-life and cosmetic surgery and didn't need to read more to know she had moved on. Now she is going on a business trip as well as a date.

 

Accept that she chose to end your marriage in then worst possible way. Accept that OM is in your marriage and you need to drive him out of your divorce. If your WW has a cheerleading section egging her on telling her it is all on you and telling her she deserves more the divorce will be even uglier.

 

First if the iPad is still linked to her phone never reveal the source of your evidence. The only reason I did not get destroyed was I was able to sidestep their plans.

 

The most important first step is exposure. This is a link to an article on how to expose and why it is so necessary. Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. Is any of your family local? You need to reach out to them for support in the same way you have here.

 

At the same time you need tonread up on and become the 180. This is a link to the best article I have seen to date and it is on this site. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

I've seen a discussion on the concept called DARVO. You need to know it because she will use it against you. Deny, Attack and reverse victim and offender. What is DARVO?. You see Lance this is all your fault. If only you had paid more attention to her, if only you had made her feel more desirable as a woman. Yea right makes about as much sense as a rapist claiming she wanted because of the way she dressed.

 

What size company does she work for ? Is OM higher in then her in terms of position? If so consider exposing them at work. If he is any type of supervisor above her he is gone and she is transferred. She will not be fired unless it is a very small company or family run and he us family.

 

I divorced in NJ in the early nineties. The lawyer told me even if I walked in and found them in my bed it would make no difference in terms of asset division and the only way it would effect custody is if he had been convicted of a sexual crime or a drug dealer who bought a weapon into the home.

 

Two other pieces of information. Her adultery is not a reflection on you even though it feels that way. What is on you is how you respond. Do not try to nice her back. You will feel like a loser for the rest of your life Lance.

 

Remmenber the six basic P(s) in life. Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performce. You need to be prepared for a divorce. Maybe there is a small chance it will not come to that, but if you are not prepared it will.

[Arieswoman]

Great post ^^^ JBR - keep them coming !

[Friskyone4u]

Lance,

 

Do you really think this OM who wants to have sex with your wife, if he has not already, really gives a **** that she is or is not married. He will laugh in your face if you call him.

 

You have just caught her beyond a reasonable doubt planning to meet him out of town and you are going to call him and ask him not to??? Please tell me you are not considering that???

 

The important thing here is that even if you stop this business trip she is cheating and refuses to stop.

 

You need two courses of action my friend

(1) you tell her that you know she is in contact with him again, and that when she returns you will have divorce papers for her that you will rip up if she passes a polygraph.

 

(2) your other course of action is to sit there, let her go have a few nights of sex with him, and then come back here and ask what to do now.

 

I hope you choose number one. You do not need any more proof.

[Miss Clavel]

Wife is back texting with the guy she had been flirting with (two dates and kissing not no sex) and I'm seeing them all on her iMessage on her old phone.

 

when I caught her the first time she said she had told him she was married and that she was going to be spending her time working on her relationship. I truly think she lied to me there and didn't tell him she was married. I'm confident in this as he texted her last week and asked to get together and she readily agreed to do so. big date is in 2 weeks... Yeah!

 

his text to her makes me think either A) she never told him she was married, or B) he's a F slime and reached out anyway.

 

so should I call him and tell him the truth after I let her see him again (I'm letting her build enough rope to build her noose?)

 

They have a work relationship so she will see him on a business trip in the coming months.

 

Fun!

 

i wish someone would tell the clerks at the liquor store not to sell to me since drinking would damage those around me.

 

that way i would not have to control myself.

[Honourably honest]

All quiet now, hopefully the OP has got stuck in and taken control back.

Have a good weekend, wherever you are OP.

[LanceMannion]

So thanks all for the posts/feedback.

 

I'm still having an incredibly tough time with my wife and trying to be forgiving and forget and work on fixing things for the sake of the kids. In all likelihood it is over and this is a slow unwinding process. Lots of tears and lots of pints of Guinness.

 

I think my wife's approach to this relationship is so skewed I really can't see anything working out here. She thinks what she did wasn't REALLY an affair or cheating ('it was just a friendship, kissing him was wrong but nothing big and texting him saying I wanted to be in bed with him was just a spontaneous text that had no meaning to it'. and I told her that making plans with him was him expecting to get laid and she is F nuts to think otherwise. oh, and deleting the email she said she sent him that told him she was married so I couldn't read it was an absolute slap in my face.)

 

I'm in a really weird spot. My wife is almost 'un-feminine' in this relationship. Competitive, unaffectionate, hard-edged, abrasive, unloving. We were out last night and a friend's girlfriend was talking about their life together and it was obvious how committed and thoughtful she was to him and I looked at them with such envy that my wife noticed.

 

so I F'd here. have to try and make this work if I can but it is almost unbearable.

[Marc878]

Your wife should be the one trying to make this work. If she isn't you are just wasting your time. Don't kid yourself.

[ladydesigner]

So thanks all for the posts/feedback.

 

I'm still having an incredibly tough time with my wife and trying to be forgiving and forget and work on fixing things for the sake of the kids. In all likelihood it is over and this is a slow unwinding process. Lots of tears and lots of pints of Guinness.

 

I think my wife's approach to this relationship is so skewed I really can't see anything working out here. She thinks what she did wasn't REALLY an affair or cheating ('it was just a friendship, kissing him was wrong but nothing big and texting him saying I wanted to be in bed with him was just a spontaneous text that had no meaning to it'. and I told her that making plans with him was him expecting to get laid and she is F nuts to think otherwise. oh, and deleting the email she said she sent him that told him she was married so I couldn't read it was an absolute slap in my face.)

 

I'm in a really weird spot. My wife is almost 'un-feminine' in this relationship. Competitive, unaffectionate, hard-edged, abrasive, unloving. We were out last night and a friend's girlfriend was talking about their life together and it was obvious how committed and thoughtful she was to him and I looked at them with such envy that my wife noticed.

 

so I F'd here. have to try and make this work if I can but it is almost unbearable.

 

She is minimizing her A. Of course she was making plans to take it further, that is the path A's usually take.

 

My WH gave me all kinds of minimizing thinking I was some kind of dumba**

 

Start the 180 is my advice. I would start detaching.

[stilltrying16]

So thanks all for the posts/feedback.

 

I'm still having an incredibly tough time with my wife and trying to be forgiving and forget and work on fixing things for the sake of the kids. In all likelihood it is over and this is a slow unwinding process. Lots of tears and lots of pints of Guinness.

 

I think my wife's approach to this relationship is so skewed I really can't see anything working out here. She thinks what she did wasn't REALLY an affair or cheating ('it was just a friendship, kissing him was wrong but nothing big and texting him saying I wanted to be in bed with him was just a spontaneous text that had no meaning to it'. and I told her that making plans with him was him expecting to get laid and she is F nuts to think otherwise. oh, and deleting the email she said she sent him that told him she was married so I couldn't read it was an absolute slap in my face.)

 

I'm in a really weird spot. My wife is almost 'un-feminine' in this relationship. Competitive, unaffectionate, hard-edged, abrasive, unloving. We were out last night and a friend's girlfriend was talking about their life together and it was obvious how committed and thoughtful she was to him and I looked at them with such envy that my wife noticed.

 

so I F'd here. have to try and make this work if I can but it is almost unbearable.

 

Hi Lance,

 

I'm so sorry at what you're going through. But why do you have to make this work? It's on her! What are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth staying in? She's not a good candidate for reconciliation!

 

You asked whether to tell the OM- I'm not sure if you've made you decision but here's my $.02: always tell. I was a BGF and one of the things that I still can't stand to think about after decades is how others knew before I did. I hate it that my XBF and his AP got to sit around and make decisions about my world- and that she knew things about me that I would never have told anyone if given the choice.

 

I've been reading various infidelity forums for months now, including some in which a lot more BS post (eg S.I.). The question often comes up of whether to tell the OBP (other betrayed partner/spouse). Betrayed people overwhelmingly answer yes- 99% or more say yes. Who would ever want to be be kept ignorant about their primary relationship? Who would appreciate being blindly robbed of a choice about how to live their own life?

 

Unless you think the OBS will go violent or abusive on learning, they deserve to know. I strongly believe this. It's a Good Samaritan move. There isn't too much in it for you, but you will be helping another person who is suffering through no fault of theirs.

[RecentChange]

Boy this certainly sounds like an uphill battle.

 

From my experience / point of view - for reconciliation to work, both parties have to be willing to put in the HARD work, and make the sacrifices needed to save the marriage. Wrong doings have to be acknowledged, and responsibility taken for them. Remorse has to be genuine and shown for the damage caused.

 

If she thinks she did nothing wrong - she doesn't recognize the damage this has caused - and what is going to stop her from proceeding? The fact that you already confronted her about this- and she STILL proceeded to contact this guy, shows you she has no intention of changing.

 

From the information you have given us - I can't foresee a happy ending here.

 

Also - Have you called the guy and told him under no uncertain terms to buggar off? Can you make yourself imposing enough that its clear you are NOT someone he wants to mess with?

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi Lance,

 

I'm so sorry at what you're going through. But why do you have to make this work? It's on her! What are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth staying in? She's not a good candidate for reconciliation!

 

You asked whether to tell the OM- I'm not sure if you've made you decision but here's my $.02: always tell. I was a BGF and one of the things that I still can't stand to think about after decades is how others knew before I did. I hate it that my XBF and his AP got to sit around and make decisions about my world- and that she knew things about me that I would never have told anyone if given the choice.

 

I've been reading various infidelity forums for months now, including some in which a lot more BS post (eg S.I.). The question often comes up of whether to tell the OBP (other betrayed partner/spouse). Betrayed people overwhelmingly answer yes- 99% or more say yes. Who would ever want to be be kept ignorant about their primary relationship? Who would appreciate being blindly robbed of a choice about how to live their own life?

 

Unless you think the OBS will go violent or abusive on learning, they deserve to know. I strongly believe this. It's a Good Samaritan move. There isn't too much in it for you, but you will be helping another person who is suffering through no fault of theirs.

 

If there has been a D-day, and your wife continues to reach out to the AP, I'd say you know all you need to know here. Without question, she is minimizing what has occurred and trying to rug sweep the rest.

 

As for the above, I recently went out with a friend who is divorced from a husband who had a one-year PA with another mom from our school. She found out when the AP's BH forwarded emails to my friend that he had found on his WW's computer. Naturally, she was devastated at first, but quickly realized that this was the reason she needed to walk away from a lousy marriage. She was very grateful to have been told of the affair. The two betrayed spouses were able to support each other through it and now she lives a life of integrity and authenticity.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Lance,

 

Have you given any thought on my post? You need to have an exit plan in place. Knowing the "ok then" scenario will change your mindset for the better. You will feel in contol of your life again.

 

I warned you of DARVO. You wife response was text book.

 

I suggested exposure and why it is important,

 

There are a lot of people that can help you get to a better place but you have to engage and respond to ther suggestion. Note I DID NOT SAY FOLLOW. A lot of suggestions here might or might not be good fit for you, that is your call and only your call.

 

I gave you a link for the 180. Here is another great thread on this site. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Finally please understand my tone is caused by the pain I endured and a part of me is screaming out of concern for others not to go though what I went though. Many will tell you divorce is the only and best option, I will not. Either way there will be pain, the question about reconcilliation is will it happen.

[Jersey born raised]

With the thread on the BS you need to read this link on this site for WS

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[oldshirt]

So thanks all for the posts/feedback.

 

I'm still having an incredibly tough time with my wife and trying to be forgiving and forget and work on fixing things for the sake of the kids. In all likelihood it is over and this is a slow unwinding process. Lots of tears and lots of pints of Guinness.

 

I think my wife's approach to this relationship is so skewed I really can't see anything working out here. She thinks what she did wasn't REALLY an affair or cheating ('it was just a friendship, kissing him was wrong but nothing big and texting him saying I wanted to be in bed with him was just a spontaneous text that had no meaning to it'. and I told her that making plans with him was him expecting to get laid and she is F nuts to think otherwise. oh, and deleting the email she said she sent him that told him she was married so I couldn't read it was an absolute slap in my face.)

 

I'm in a really weird spot. My wife is almost 'un-feminine' in this relationship. Competitive, unaffectionate, hard-edged, abrasive, unloving. We were out last night and a friend's girlfriend was talking about their life together and it was obvious how committed and thoughtful she was to him and I looked at them with such envy that my wife noticed.

 

so I F'd here. have to try and make this work if I can but it is almost unbearable.

 

 

Lance -

 

 

You are being naïve, gullible and weak. You are pulling the wool over your own eyes so you can justify taking no action to yourself.

 

 

I have said this is a couple other threads but it applies to this situation as well - An affair requires two things to continue. #1 is it requires a primary relationship/marriage.

 

 

And #2 is it requires a cooperative/accomidating spouse that tolerates the behavior.

 

 

An affair needs a primary relationship to survive because the affair is fun and exiting and tantalizing because all the hard work like bills and laundry and maintaining a home and dealing with inlaws and sick kids etc is being taken care of by the BS. If that marriage wasn't there, the AP would fail in comparison as an actual relationship/marriage candidate. And additionally, there is a 99% chance that the AP sees the WW as nothing more than a quick and easy piece of tail. If she were a singe woman, he probably wouldn't want anything to do with her (other than said piece of tail)

 

 

An affair also needs a cooperative BS that plays the "pick-me-dance" and caters to the WW and gives her support and cooperation back home so she can go out and have fun on the side with OM without having to worry about taking care of the kids or the home or the bills or laundry or any of the other standard requirements of adult life.

 

 

Take those two things away and suddenly the affair is no long fun and is no longer just a little extra fun poontang on the side.

 

 

Take away her stability and security and she becomes destabilized. Once she is out of the house looking for an apartment and having to find lawyers and having to navigate around her own personal finances and dealing with her own legal affairs and finding her own childcare and work schedules etc etc etc etc, she no longer has the time and energy for fun little rendevouz in motel rooms with OM.

 

 

Once she is busy and has all this drama and chaos and issues in her life, she is no longer the free and easy sex kitten that the OM wants.

 

 

Make life the least bit uncomfortable and labor intensive for the OM and he will exit stage left.

 

 

Take away her comfy life and security and stability and her affair fog will life and she will see that real life isn't all unicorns, flowers and sunshine with the OM.

 

 

Once OM exits stage left and isn't her knight in shining armor to save her from her dull and boring life, then suddenly he isn't Mr ALLTHAT in her eyes either.

 

 

Affairs are fun and exiting while someone else is taking care of everything at home. Affairs are fun and ego boosting while two men are competing for you.

 

 

It becomes a whole other reality when you get served legal papers and are having to find and hire a lawyer and are being asked to leave your home and divide up all of your marital assets and finances and are having to come up with a childcare plan so that the children will be living in two separate homes. It becomes a whole other reality when your inlaws now look at you in disgust and contempt and your family looks at you with shame and embarrassment. It looses it's luster when her girlfriends don't want her coming around their homes and families because they don't want her banging their husbands.

 

 

Wake up and smell the coffee and stop cooperating with her and stop providing the care and support that her affair needs to continue to be fun and exiting and sexy. Make her experience real life.

[wmacbride]

OP,

I've been in a similar spot to where you are, but it was with my husband.

 

When it comes right down to it, do you want her to stay because she chose to, or because she felt she had no other options?

 

While telling the om that she is married might make you feel good, I doubt it will do anything to prick his conscience. there are om and ow out there whom prefer to me with married people. I don't know why this is because they ave low self esteem enjoy the thrill out of knowing abs was being hurt, or simple because it's less hassle.

 

Whatever the cause, there is every chance to assume he won;t care if she;s married.

 

If I were in your shoes, i would speak to a lawyer to find out what your options, rights and responsibilities are. Not because you want a divorce right now, but because the more knowledge you are yourself with, the better off you will be, able to make discussions base don accurate information and not fear.

 

Once you feel ready, she's the one you should confront.

[RecentChange]

Yeah.... Ahh learning that she is married makes zero difference to some. I have literally heard "I love F'ing someone else's girlfriend" for some I think it's almost a conquest. It's a plus, not a deterrent. (Thinking of the song I just listened to "I am gonna F your main B" )

 

Now - being threatened by an intimidating husband is a different story.

 

But beyond that - no remorse / groveling / IMMEDIATE change in behavior from her?

 

I think this relationship is doomed.

[stilltrying16]

Oh ok, I misunderstood at first, Lance. Got confused with the abbreviations and thought you were talking about telling OM's wife.

 

if you're positive OM doesn't know, then tell him, but only after you have her served. Getting her out of your life has to be the first priority.

 

As other posters are saying, why do you need to give her more rope? You already know she's cheating. She's throwing it in your face. File for divorce & free yourself. Sorry you are in this situation!

[LanceMannion]

Hi Lance,

 

Have you given any thought on my post? You need to have an exit plan in place. Knowing the "ok then" scenario will change your mindset for the better. You will feel in contol of your life again.

 

I warned you of DARVO. You wife response was text book.

 

I suggested exposure and why it is important,

 

There are a lot of people that can help you get to a better place but you have to engage and respond to ther suggestion. Note I DID NOT SAY FOLLOW. A lot of suggestions here might or might not be good fit for you, that is your call and only your call.

 

I gave you a link for the 180. Here is another great thread on this site. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Finally please understand my tone is caused by the pain I endured and a part of me is screaming out of concern for others not to go though what I went though. Many will tell you divorce is the only and best option, I will not. Either way there will be pain, the question about reconcilliation is will it happen.

____________________________________________________________________

 

Jersey Born => thanks for the link. We're trying to make it work and this is helpful. I'm taking the 'Cortez' approach (Cortez burned his ships so his men, when landing on the new world, would have to forget about going home as an option and make the new world work.)

 

I'm also covering myself; froze credit, protecting myself emotionally, talking to lawyers and checking on NJ laws for separation, looking for apartments to move into, making sure my mom moves any inheritance into the kids names so she can't lawyer up and come after it...

 

The really hard thing to realize is that my wife has turned into a bitter and selfish woman and I'm happier when she isn't around and I'm alone with the kids. They are too in a sense...

 

But I can't think this way. (chant with me 'Cortez...Cortez...Cortez...')

 

But I will call him and tell him that I'm 6'4" and not the type of person you want to make mad.

 

Thank you all for the thoughts and feedback. Super helpful.

[Marc878]

____________________________________________________________________

 

Jersey Born => thanks for the link. We're trying to make it work and this is helpful. I'm taking the 'Cortez' approach (Cortez burned his ships so his men, when landing on the new world, would have to forget about going home as an option and make the new world work.)

 

I'm also covering myself; froze credit, protecting myself emotionally, talking to lawyers and checking on NJ laws for separation, looking for apartments to move into, making sure my mom moves any inheritance into the kids names so she can't lawyer up and come after it...

 

The really hard thing to realize is that my wife has turned into a bitter and selfish woman and I'm happier when she isn't around and I'm alone with the kids. They are too in a sense...

 

But I can't think this way. (chant with me 'Cortez...Cortez...Cortez...')

 

But I will call him and tell him that I'm 6'4" and not the type of person you want to make mad.

Thank you all for the thoughts and feedback. Super helpful.

 

send him a PRE Get Well card.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm in a really weird spot. My wife is almost 'un-feminine' in this relationship. Competitive, unaffectionate, hard-edged, abrasive, unloving. We were out last night and a friend's girlfriend was talking about their life together and it was obvious how committed and thoughtful she was to him and I looked at them with such envy that my wife noticed.

She's taken on the masculine role because you're so passive.

 

Women really don't respect weak, passive men that they can push around. They steamroll them because they CAN.

 

Which is exactly what she's been doing.

[Jersey born raised]

WHY ARE YOU MOVING OUT?

 

Find an apt for her to move to!!

 

Have you exposed her to her family, your family, friends, and children? The link on why and how to expose I posted urges you expose to any child over the age of four. While children don't need graphic details you need to share that their mother is dating.

[BettyDraper]

She's taken on the masculine role because you're so passive.

 

Women really don't respect weak, passive men that they can push around. They steamroll them because they CAN.

 

Which is exactly what she's been doing.

 

Love the way you think, Lois Griffin. You're right!

 

If the OP stands up to his wife and kicks her ass out, she will probably be shocked into respecting him more because that will be a change from his normally passive demeanor. The OP needs to put this affair on blast to everyone including the OM's husband. He also needs to file for divorce.

 

One of the reasons I wouldn't dare cheat is my husband WOULD NEVER tolerate such foolishness from me. He isn't even tolerant if I am unnecessarily rude or harsh....my husband is kind but firm.

[oldshirt]

I'm all for confronting the OM/OW and making it inconvenient for them. Don't do anything illegal or dangerous to yourself of course but once it's no longer fun and easy, most OM disappear like a fart in the wind.

 

However be aware that he probably knows she is married and he doesn't give a rats behind how tall you are. He is in it for cheap, easy poon.

 

You can huff and puff and blow his house down, but the moment she shows up at his house with her pants down and her legs spread, he will hop on.

 

As long as she has her home and her husband and family at home taking care of her domestic needs, she will show up at his house for serving and then go back home.

 

OM will be fine with that arrangement no matter how much you huff and puff.

 

(You have to actually be violent with him or vandalizing his stuff for him to actually not take up her offer of free poon. That will land you in legal trouble)

 

The way take him out of the mix is to toss her out so she goes to him wanting a full service relationship. If he wanted a full service relationship, he would've dated a single woman and not boinking a married woman on the down low.

 

Take away her married home life, put her on the street, embroil her in legal hassles and cut off her supportive relationship and he will drop her like a hot turd.