1# dating red flag, fell for it again

[Sunlight72]

To clarify, the casual part was consensual, and not an issue. I'm a 28yo girl living in a big city.

 

The main purpose of my post is to share my dating red flags to other readers, especially the ones that are difficult to be objective about when your very attracted to someone. Hoping that my insight will help others.

Thanks for posting Mac25.

 

I'm really intrigued (and confused) about your thread. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm intrigued.

 

I don't understand what you -

 

- wanted from a mutually agreed casual relationship

 

- mean by red flags - what sucker punch did this guy give you that was indicated by 'red flags'? It sounds like a 10 month relationship. that you chose to keep casual...I didn't see the part of your post that described what he did to surprise and hurt you (?)

 

- mean when you describe him as someone you are "very attracted to". If so, why did you not want to date him exclusively?

 

I don't multi-date, and I'm curious what folks who multi-date see as a goal, or good outcome. Since I don't multi-date, if I date again in the future I may encounter a multi-dater but wouldn't be watching for them, or know what they want. On the flip-side, I might behave this way with someone I date and want to build a relationship with, so I'm wondering if I feel compelled to do something found inappropriate by some women.

 

10 months seems like a respectable amount of time. If you find him very attractive, but won't be exclusive, what is the magical result you were hoping for and didn't get?

 

Thanks,

Sunlight

[thecharade]

I completely get what you are saying! My take on it is that they are fabulous and smitten and uber-attentive early on to ensnare you, then the first controlling comment lands. "Really?! You are friends with him? Don't you think that is a little disrespectful to me?!" Soon followed by the, "After everything I have done for you, you are going to disrespect me this way?!" Eeekkkk!!!!! The dark side shows itself!!!!!!

 

Yep, they do all of that to PROVE they are fabulous, and when they start to judge and control your life, they throw every romantic gesture right back in your face. Just a little fyi, early love bombing is a hallmark of an abusive relationship. Look it up yourself!

 

Good you moved on from Mr. 10 month. Hopefully you won't fall for this type again.

[fitnessfan365]

Well on one hand, it's surprising to see you refer to a ten month relationship as "casual" OP. Assuming it wasn't simply a f**k buddy scenario, that is a lot of time to invest in someone you're not looking to be in a relationship with.

 

However, I will say that just because a guy is direct and confident enough to go after what he wants, it doesn't automatically make it a red flag. I mean if a guy is making no attempt to get to know you at all, take you out on dates, and only talks about sex and your physical attributes, then of course he just wants sex. That's common sense. But it is possible for a guy to have both a high sex drive/confidence in it, as well as the desire to actually date you. You just haven't met one yet,

[Gloria25]

OK,

 

1 - Hold off on the sex.

 

Why? Cuz sex creates "infatuation goggles" that make people think more's there than actually is. But, like some said, gotta watch out for the players who are holding out cuz you're a "challenge" and as soon as you give it up, they are bored and move onto the next thing.

 

So, how do you know if he's really into you or if he's waiting for the challenge of you giving it up?

 

Ask him specifically what he wants (my point #2 below), cuz we all know what we want out of dating - even if it isn't with "you". A person should know if they're just looking for company or long term (marriage). If a guy starts telling you the whole 'Let's date and see where it goes...'. IMO, dump him, cuz either he's trying to buy time and get as much companionship out of you as he can or he's an idiot who doesn't know what he wants in life and/or a woman...cuz, how can you just be out there "dating" without knowing where you want it to go?

 

2 - Asking him what he wants.

 

Again, either he's dating to meet someone permanently (marriage) or he wants company. Yes, it is that simple. I don't believe in all that crap where you spend a few months with someone and wake up one day and want to be married. Either you were looking for a wife or not. If you're marrying me cuz you spent a few months with me, then why am "I" so special? People that marry out of emotion, good times, etc. and w/o pre-marital counseling are the ones who struggle in their marriage and/or get divorced.

 

I know when I'm with a guy that I see potential with for the longterm and a guy I just wanna do and dump. Am I open to marriage - yes. So, a guy might get confused if he asks me what I want, but I believe I'm clear - which is, I'm down for something casual, but wouldn't diss the right guy if he comes along. So, when I'm dating, if I meet a guy with long term potential, I might hold off on sex and all that and actually take the time to get to know them.

 

In my experiences - yep, guys that come hard/fast are impulsive, don't know what they want and you should actually run from.

 

The guy who left me for the town ho? Three months into it, he said he was in love. I responded with 'I like him a lot and wouldn't hurt him'. And, IMO, that was a rational and healthy response. How the heck are you gonna fall in love with me in three months? Well, he turned out to be an insecure and manipulative jerk. He thought he could play the town Hos cuz they needed green cards and they always made a fool out of him.

 

My neighbor? He wanted to have sex with me and didn't even know my name. The more I've gotten to know about him, he jumped on wifey quick cuz he was so desperate for attention and shows a pattern of impulsively jumping on women who show him attention. I don't want someone like that in my life. I want someone who wants "me" for "me". He doesn't know what a quality woman is and never will. He's just happy to have someone who likes him. Him following me around and stuff makes me also see that he has controlling aspect about him too that are unhealthy - hence, him picking his sloppy wife. He's more worried about just having someone dependent who no one else would really wants, than actually having a healthy RL with a woman. Again I don't want a guy like that in my life.

 

So yes, guys who come hot and heavy are usually impulsive, insecure, controlling, and/or abusive.

[fitnessfan365]

The guy who left me for the town ho? Three months into it, he said he was in love. I responded with 'I like him a lot and wouldn't hurt him'. And, IMO, that was a rational and healthy response. How the heck are you gonna fall in love with me in three months? Well, he turned out to be an insecure and manipulative jerk. He thought he could play the town Hos cuz they needed green cards and they always made a fool out of him..

 

Falling in love doesn't have a time table. Also, just to play Devil's Advocate, he said he was in love with you, and your response was that you liked him a lot. So maybe he bailed because you didn't feel the same way as him?

 

Now I want to stress there is nothing wrong with not being in love after three months. Like you, I could never fall in love that fast. But at the same time, it's hard to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way you do. I mean let's say a guy proposes to a woman and she rejects that proposal. Where do you go from there? Are you supposed to keep dating and pretend like it never happened? Just like where do you go when you tell someone you love them, and they don't feel the same?

[lino]

What is a 'casual 10 month' relationship?

 

If it's an on again-off again thing that lasted 10 months where sex is the main glue holding it together, there's your problem. Stop doing that sort of thing, it won't end any other way than what has happened here.

[lino]

Well it was 10 months from very start to finish.

 

Month 1-3 was friendship/courting. Then we started sleeping together. About after 1 month of that we had the "talk" and established that we both did not want a sexually exclusive relationship, but enjoyed each others company. So it continued that way for the remaining approx 6 months.

 

The red flag behavior was most obvious during the 1-3 of courting.

 

I missed this.

 

This is exactly where you made an error. It has nothing to do with a guy coming on strong.

 

You simply made a sex only (and a non exclusive one at that!) agreement with a player.

 

Truly mind boggling why a woman would do this and then complain?!?

 

He must've been really hot and/or rich!

[joystickd]

I tend to fall for the guys who come on strong in the beginning. In real life this takes the form of a lot of, if not constant texting, plan initiating, compliments...ect.

 

Granted, it's difficult to objectively quantify the threshold where "coming on strong" becomes problematic. However, your gut is the best berometer. In the initial phases of dating its a great thing if an individual gives you their time and attention. This is necessary. But too much, too strong, too soon, is maladaptive. And in extension signals personality/character issues in the other person.

 

That said, I used to make the naive assumption that the attention was a manifestation of the guy's attractions/feelings for me.

 

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

 

Anyone else care to share their story? Any practical way to detect the difference between authentic healthy attention and this form of toxic attention?

 

 

It's not necessary a red flag maybe the guy had dated women that communicated often.

[Gloria25]

Falling in love doesn't have a time table. Also, just to play Devil's Advocate, he said he was in love with you, and your response was that you liked him a lot. So maybe he bailed because you didn't feel the same way as him?

 

Now I want to stress there is nothing wrong with not being in love after three months. Like you, I could never fall in love that fast. But at the same time, it's hard to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way you do. I mean let's say a guy proposes to a woman and she rejects that proposal. Where do you go from there? Are you supposed to keep dating and pretend like it never happened? Just like where do you go when you tell someone you love them, and they don't feel the same?

 

How long does it take a piece of fruit to ripen? What happens if you pluck it too soon? Things are more valuable, believable, and sustainable if you allow them to develop and grow...same with "love".

 

Problem is, people use the word "love" when all it is, is infatuation, hornies, honeymoon period, etc. My fav podcaster describes "love" as "awe, admiration, respect". How can you develop that for someone in three months?

 

When we first click with someone, we all go through that honeymoon phase were we place all our ideations about them. That's why it's best to take 1 1/2 to 2 years of actual "dating" (not friends, shacking up, co-workers, LDRs) to actually get to know someone...to allow the hornies, lust, infatuation to fade away and start seeing that person for who they really are. You're not gonna get that in three months...not even six months.

 

Oh, and that guy was a prime example of someone who didn't know love. He was a controlling and insecure fool. Those women seeking green cards played him for a fool. His ex was older than him, had three kids with him and dumped him. The town ho reported him to his commander after she got $500 and some goodies out of him. He was dating this ROTC Puerto Rican chick and she dumped him after she got some money out of him too. Lastly, I ran into him a few years later and he told me he married a Colombian chick he met while TDY and he said they married after 6 months of dating .

 

BTW, after the ILY, we continued dating. He tried making me jealous with others, he tried to tell me how to dress, etc. What a waste of a loser.

 

How to move on from the ILYs? I healthy guy would understand that I needed more time to get there, take a step back and say he'd give me time to see if I felt the same. But, guys like him aren't healthy, hence, in three months they're throwing ILYs around and marrying at the 6 month mark.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Gloria25

[Dis]

So are you saying that couples for have a very high level of instant attraction and fall hard for each other, are lesser relationships then the couples who experience a slower burn, where they are not that into each other at first?

 

 

Or are you saying that it is great if you are super into someone right at the start and it actually works - but to keep things under wraps and act normal rather than love "bombing" and other unhealthy behaviour?

 

I'm saying its a good thing if theres physical attraction there, its a must. However if theres over the top compliments, affirmations, constant contact, rushing into a relationship (all signs of love bombing)....this could be an indicator that the relationship might burn out quickly. Many people have an instant intense connection to a person and end up having a long term relationship with them, but I do think that in general, taking things slow is often a wise practice.

[Dis]

Great post, and timely for me. My last post was a rant about this very thing. I wasn’t stuck with him for 10 months, but it was only a couple of dates. This guy came on stronger than anyone I’ve ever met, and then disappeared when he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I also thought that after years of dating experience, I wouldn’t fall for this kind of thing, but this guy’s game was strong. Guess I’ve got a lot more learning to do.

 

Dont worry hun, live and learn. Its easy to get sucked into guys like that, I've been there. Hopefully you'll recogise guys like this in the future and save yourself the hassle. Lesson learned

[sickoflove11]

I tend to fall for the guys who come on strong in the beginning. In real life this takes the form of a lot of, if not constant texting, plan initiating, compliments...ect.

 

Granted, it's difficult to objectively quantify the threshold where "coming on strong" becomes problematic. However, your gut is the best berometer. In the initial phases of dating its a great thing if an individual gives you their time and attention. This is necessary. But too much, too strong, too soon, is maladaptive. And in extension signals personality/character issues in the other person.

 

That said, I used to make the naive assumption that the attention was a manifestation of the guy's attractions/feelings for me.

 

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

 

Ok this thread is so great and relevant to my life right now thank you so much for sharing! In my past relationships guys have been a little slower than I liked in the beginning stages of talking and hanging out. I always wanted more attention of course being female that's not too out of the ordinary.. Even though those relationships didn't work out in the end, they didn't make me feel stupid after they were over.

 

My most recent guy came on pretty strong and would text me all the time morning until night. He called me babe at times and we jokingly had our names in each others phones as husband and wifey. I didn't reciprocate calling him babe but I did like the attention and definitely didn't try to slow it down. He was the first guy I've been interested in since my last bf almost 2 years ago, so it was nice thinking I could have a person like that in my life again to talk to and spend time with. I was completely content before him but talking to him made me feel giddy and that rush again so I went with it.

Now I am realizing how naive I was thinking all of this represented his feelings towards me! I can see so clearly now how selfish, manipulative, and narcissistic he is! He completely fed off my reactions 100%. I never thought I would get involved with a player and I feel so dumb now. I learned this guy is also a huge *******, super self conscious, and immature, so I would never really want to be with him long term but sadly I'm still really infatuated and attracted to him.

I've had boyfriends but not much dating experience obviously, so I had no idea people actually played games like this or that I would fall for it!!!

[Dis]

Ok this thread is so great and relevant to my life right now thank you so much for sharing! In my past relationships guys have been a little slower than I liked in the beginning stages of talking and hanging out. I always wanted more attention of course being female that's not too out of the ordinary.. Even though those relationships didn't work out in the end, they didn't make me feel stupid after they were over.

 

My most recent guy came on pretty strong and would text me all the time morning until night. He called me babe at times and we jokingly had our names in each others phones as husband and wifey. I didn't reciprocate calling him babe but I did like the attention and definitely didn't try to slow it down. He was the first guy I've been interested in since my last bf almost 2 years ago, so it was nice thinking I could have a person like that in my life again to talk to and spend time with. I was completely content before him but talking to him made me feel giddy and that rush again so I went with it.

Now I am realizing how naive I was thinking all of this represented his feelings towards me! I can see so clearly now how selfish, manipulative, and narcissistic he is! He completely fed off my reactions 100%. I never thought I would get involved with a player and I feel so dumb now. I learned this guy is also a huge *******, super self conscious, and immature, so I would never really want to be with him long term but sadly I'm still really infatuated and attracted to him.

I've had boyfriends but not much dating experience obviously, so I had no idea people actually played games like this or that I would fall for it!!!

 

I can really relate to your story. Dont feel stupid hun, as a trusting, open person, you let him in. You didnt expect he would treat you so poorly, perhaps because you would never do the same to someone else. Now youve learned a valuable lesson. I had to learn the same way. Its soooo easy to get sucked into a guy like that. I was so drunk off my last ex's love bombing I had no idea who he really was and was so unaware I was being played. Because my last ex came on so strong, and gave me that "spark" I'm having trouble in my current dating because if a guy doesnt come on strong, giving me that spark....I feel like I'm not into him. I'm going on a second date tomorrow night with a guy who I was attracted to but did not give me that spark. I'm going on this date because I need to wake up from feeling like falling in love and dating is like a fairytale. I need to date a real guy, a good guy, with good intentions and take it from there. I hope I havent been damaged for life lol

[Lovelorn00]

Ok this thread is so great and relevant to my life right now thank you so much for sharing! In my past relationships guys have been a little slower than I liked in the beginning stages of talking and hanging out. I always wanted more attention of course being female that's not too out of the ordinary.. Even though those relationships didn't work out in the end, they didn't make me feel stupid after they were over.

 

My most recent guy came on pretty strong and would text me all the time morning until night. He called me babe at times and we jokingly had our names in each others phones as husband and wifey. I didn't reciprocate calling him babe but I did like the attention and definitely didn't try to slow it down. He was the first guy I've been interested in since my last bf almost 2 years ago, so it was nice thinking I could have a person like that in my life again to talk to and spend time with. I was completely content before him but talking to him made me feel giddy and that rush again so I went with it.

Now I am realizing how naive I was thinking all of this represented his feelings towards me! I can see so clearly now how selfish, manipulative, and narcissistic he is! He completely fed off my reactions 100%. I never thought I would get involved with a player and I feel so dumb now. I learned this guy is also a huge *******, super self conscious, and immature, so I would never really want to be with him long term but sadly I'm still really infatuated and attracted to him.

I've had boyfriends but not much dating experience obviously, so I had no idea people actually played games like this or that I would fall for it!!!

 

Same story here. It does make me feel kinda dumb, but now I know that some people are just really, REALLY good at this. I had just never met anyone that good at it before, but we all do, at some point.

[SandraTempleton]

Natalie from Baggage Reclaim puts this phenomenon into a written explanation that makes a lot of sense:

After The Whirlwind Romance - When You're Fast Forwarded

[joseb]

Well it was 10 months from very start to finish.

 

Month 1-3 was friendship/courting. Then we started sleeping together. About after 1 month of that we had the "talk" and established that we both did not want a sexually exclusive relationship, but enjoyed each others company. So it continued that way for the remaining approx 6 months.

 

The red flag behavior was most obvious during the 1-3 of courting.

 

I totally agree with the gist of your original post. But this relationship doesn't seem to match that. You had three months of "courting", and then decided on a **** buddy relationship. How is that coming on too strong?

[sickoflove11]

I can really relate to your story. Dont feel stupid hun, as a trusting, open person, you let him in. You didnt expect he would treat you so poorly, perhaps because you would never do the same to someone else. Now youve learned a valuable lesson. I had to learn the same way. Its soooo easy to get sucked into a guy like that. I was so drunk off my last ex's love bombing I had no idea who he really was and was so unaware I was being played. Because my last ex came on so strong, and gave me that "spark" I'm having trouble in my current dating because if a guy doesnt come on strong, giving me that spark....I feel like I'm not into him. I'm going on a second date tomorrow night with a guy who I was attracted to but did not give me that spark. I'm going on this date because I need to wake up from feeling like falling in love and dating is like a fairytale. I need to date a real guy, a good guy, with good intentions and take it from there. I hope I havent been damaged for life lol

 

I am going on my first date tomorrow since this guy who played me. I am so nervous and also hoping he gives me some spark! I just want to get over this jerk. I feel like he has such a hold on me. I went to hang out with some friends the other day and he was there too and he was being his childish flirty self with me but once we all went home I never heard from him. I didn't expect to since we don't talk anymore, but I was really hoping he would

I hope your second date went well! I'm sure you are not damaged for life by any means. We can't let these guys make us feel that way, and like you said, we have learned a valuable lesson from those types of guys!

[Blanco]

I'll play devil's advocate and say that some guys (and gals) are just a bit, mmm, awkward with the opposite sex, and this can trigger some anxious behavior like coming on too strong. Doesn't necessarily mean they're going to crash and burn just as quickly as they appeared. It could just mean that have sort of weak game and don't really know how to not show all their cards right away when they're interested in someone.

[Rejected Rosebud]

And in this day and age, you don't just focus on one guy. Be a multi-dater especially if there's no exclusivity. Only when a guy offers exclusivity do you stop dating other men.

I don't go along with this at all. A woman should not multi date or just date one guy because of whether a GUY is "offering exclusivity" or not. Women should do what feels right for them. You make it sound like women are just floundering around dating everybody until finally one of the guys chooses them. Plenty of guys may offer exclusivity; that sure doesn't mean that any one of them is the RIGHT guy.

 

Personally, I can't multi-date. I would only pay attention to one person at a time.

[Gloria25]

Natalie from Baggage Reclaim puts this phenomenon into a written explanation that makes a lot of sense:

After The Whirlwind Romance - When You're Fast Forwarded

 

Excellent article!!!^^

[Dis]

I am going on my first date tomorrow since this guy who played me. I am so nervous and also hoping he gives me some spark! I just want to get over this jerk. I feel like he has such a hold on me. I went to hang out with some friends the other day and he was there too and he was being his childish flirty self with me but once we all went home I never heard from him. I didn't expect to since we don't talk anymore, but I was really hoping he would

I hope your second date went well! I'm sure you are not damaged for life by any means. We can't let these guys make us feel that way, and like you said, we have learned a valuable lesson from those types of guys!

 

Omgggg it went soooooo greattttt!!!! Dont want to sound redundant so see my thread, but it was awesome!!! I'm so glad i gave him another chance because the spark was there, the chemistry! Anddd best of all he's a good guy!!! He kissed me with tongue and everything haha How did your date go??? I really hope it went well! Good guys that are also manly exist!!! Yay!!!

[kztar]

This is a great thread and right on point. Honestly, I just got out of a relationship like this about three months ago. My EX boyfriend came off WAYYYYY too strong. He showered me with LOTS of attention since the FIRST day we met on a weekend group trip, showered me with gifts, 4 dates within a week, invited me to meet his sister within one full week of knowing me. Made me his girlfriend within 2.5 weeks and so ON. The list continues for the first 3-5 months.

 

At first, I was happy because i've never experienced that kind of attention so quick and so soon, I didn't even know how to feel. This guy was so "consistent". I was dating other guys who were clearly much better options but I was so naive I dropped everyone. Then all those other guys says you got a boyfriend OVERNIGHT what happened????. I was a little overwhelmed and found it annoying but went along with it. He made me feel that "SPARK" and head over heels for him. I mean seriously WHO wouldn't if they were naive.

 

The same way he came into my life he FIZZLED out a year and a half later. First he became distant for months, would not call, text or want to spend time with me. Basically a 180 from how things started. Called me "needy" for expecting a phone call or a text or simple basic relationship needs. Backed down after all these plans we had. Started dating someone new within a month and posting pictures on IG and basically the same thing he did with me. Moving super fast. Good luck to that girl LOL.

 

Point is, someone EVER comes that strong again, you have absolutely NO chance with me what so ever. This is the BIGGEST red flag and I would RUN for my life. Cost me a lot of heartache and honestly im just glad im out of that.

[truth_seeker]

This is a great thread and right on point. Honestly, I just got out of a relationship like this about three months ago. My EX boyfriend came off WAYYYYY too strong. He showered me with LOTS of attention since the FIRST day we met on a weekend group trip, showered me with gifts, 4 dates within a week, invited me to meet his sister within one full week of knowing me. Made me his girlfriend within 2.5 weeks and so ON. The list continues for the first 3-5 months.

 

At first, I was happy because i've never experienced that kind of attention so quick and so soon, I didn't even know how to feel. This guy was so "consistent". I was dating other guys who were clearly much better options but I was so naive I dropped everyone. Then all those other guys says you got a boyfriend OVERNIGHT what happened????. I was a little overwhelmed and found it annoying but went along with it. He made me feel that "SPARK" and head over heels for him. I mean seriously WHO wouldn't if they were naive.

 

The same way he came into my life he FIZZLED out a year and a half later. First he became distant for months, would not call, text or want to spend time with me. Basically a 180 from how things started. Called me "needy" for expecting a phone call or a text or simple basic relationship needs. Backed down after all these plans we had. Started dating someone new within a month and posting pictures on IG and basically the same thing he did with me. Moving super fast. Good luck to that girl LOL.

 

Point is, someone EVER comes that strong again, you have absolutely NO chance with me what so ever. This is the BIGGEST red flag and I would RUN for my life. Cost me a lot of heartache and honestly im just glad im out of that.

 

These guys are out for themselves. It's all about them getting their way and not caring how anyone else feels. You live by their moods and their feelings. They're pond scum.

 

Question: when you say dating other guys, you mean you were sleeping with multiple men? Is that what is going on today? Women are not in relationships anymore, they're dating many men at once until they are happy settling with one?

[kztar]

These guys are out for themselves. It's all about them getting their way and not caring how anyone else feels. You live by their moods and their feelings. They're pond scum.

 

Question: when you say dating other guys, you mean you were sleeping with multiple men? Is that what is going on today? Women are not in relationships anymore, they're dating many men at once until they are happy settling with one?

 

Hi truth_seeker, what I mean by dating other guys is just getting to know them, going out on dates and spending time with them and actually getting to know them, NO SEX. These guys were giving me good signals but this guy (My EX) came and I basically just cut everyone off and went about my business with him. He was doing all the "right" things in my book because like I said, all this attention seemed good at the start but in reality it wasn't.

 

Anyhow LESSON LEARNED for the next time.

[fred123]

I tend to fall for the guys who come on strong in the beginning. In real life this takes the form of a lot of, if not constant texting, plan initiating, compliments...ect.

 

Granted, it's difficult to objectively quantify the threshold where "coming on strong" becomes problematic. However, your gut is the best berometer. In the initial phases of dating its a great thing if an individual gives you their time and attention. This is necessary. But too much, too strong, too soon, is maladaptive. And in extension signals personality/character issues in the other person.

 

That said, I used to make the naive assumption that the attention was a manifestation of the guy's attractions/feelings for me.

 

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

 

Anyone else care to share their story? Any practical way to detect the difference between authentic healthy attention and this form of toxic attention?

 

 

its strange cos as a guy iv done just that, come on strong, compliments , constant texting and its been reciprocated but then i found out all along she was just talking to me as a friend. Maybe i need to come across stronger...