Should an 18 year old have a part-time job?

[basil67]

I'm not sure why you are responding to this either

 

I still have daily anxiety. I won't go into certain stores alone because I think people will look at me the wrong way and wonder why I'm there. I won't go into a fast food place for a meal alone because I don't want people judging me on being alone or what I'm eating. I won't go into the kitchen at work when certain people are in there because the idea of having to start a conversation with some of them is frightening. I was scared as HELL to get a job as a teenager. I was (am still) shy and felt awkward and certainly didn't believe I was capable, but went and applied for jobs and got a job and worked there throughout 11th and 12th grade and then summers through my college years. I thrived there and made friends. Then when I graduated college and had to get a "real job" I was once again scared as hell and had no interview skills and blushed if anyone made eye contact with me. Feared everyone and over thought everything single thing I did. Yet I went and applied and got a job I loved and was at for 14 years before moving. Now once again I am at another job that I blushed like crazy at the interview, felt like an idiot, certainly had not very good interaction skills, but was chosen out of 70 candidates for the job. Sorry, but she's going to have to get over the fear and go out there. She certainly talks a big game that everyone loves her and wants to hire her but never seems to go through with it.

 

But this isn't about what worked for you. It's about what works for her. She is not you.

[SaveYourHeart]

I've been working since I was 14 and maintained a 4.0 gpa throughout my highschool and college career. It's all about being motivated. My parents were more than happy to help me out, but I preferred earning my own money and buying my own things, I even got a full scholarship to college. She just doesn't want to work. Not your problem, don't give her any money.

[turnera]

I won't go into certain stores alone because I think people will look at me the wrong way and wonder why I'm there. I won't go into a fast food place for a meal alone because I don't want people judging me on being alone or what I'm eating. I won't go into the kitchen at work when certain people are in there because the idea of having to start a conversation with some of them is frightening. I was scared as HELL to get a job as a teenager. I was (am still) shy and felt awkward and certainly didn't believe I was capable, but went and applied for jobs and got a job and worked there throughout 11th and 12th grade and then summers through my college years. I thrived there and made friends. Then when I graduated college and had to get a "real job" I was once again scared as hell and had no interview skills and blushed if anyone made eye contact with me. Feared everyone and over thought everything single thing I did. Yet I went and applied and got a job I loved and was at for 14 years before moving. Now once again I am at another job that I blushed like crazy at the interview, felt like an idiot, certainly had not very good interaction skills, but was chosen out of 70 candidates for the job.

Just wanted to point out that this sounds like Toxic Shame, not shyness. Have you ever looked into it? Healing The Shame That Binds You is the best book I know on it.

 

Example: I wanted to take some clothes to a resale shop once. I drove by it three times before I had the nerve to go in. And, as I feared, she 'judged' my clothes not good enough to sell at her shop, all but three items. I slunk out of there in shame. And I was so fearful at having to go back in there and have her look at me 'that way' again that I just never went back; threw away the money I'd made on the clothes. That's what Toxic Shame does to you. But you can fight it, change it.

[SpiralOut]

Just wanted to point out that this sounds like Toxic Shame, not shyness. Have you ever looked into it? Healing The Shame That Binds You is the best book I know on it.

 

Example: I wanted to take some clothes to a resale shop once. I drove by it three times before I had the nerve to go in. And, as I feared, she 'judged' my clothes not good enough to sell at her shop, all but three items. I slunk out of there in shame. And I was so fearful at having to go back in there and have her look at me 'that way' again that I just never went back; threw away the money I'd made on the clothes. That's what Toxic Shame does to you. But you can fight it, change it.

 

I am not trying to take over the thread when I say this, but thank you for posting this. I have always called myself "shy" but I think my real problem is toxic shame. I never even heard of the term before. I thought I was the only one to feel that way. I actually feel relieved now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not trying to take over the thread when I say this, but thank you for posting this. I have always called myself "shy" but I think my real problem is toxic shame. I never even heard of the term before. I thought I was the only one to feel that way. I actually feel relieved now.

 

I read Healing the Shame the Binds You too....

 

Great book, I also read Toxic Parents. I was so engrossed by it that I underlined whole pages and finished it in less than two days.

 

It's a basic, but still much-needed book for so many parents and children.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks for the suggestion. I have put a hold on that book at the library.

 

Sometimes I project my shame onto other people. If I think someone should be ashamed of themselves, and they don't act as if they are, I get pissed off. I badly want them to feel ashamed of themselves.... thankfully I know better than to say or do anything about it, but if my feelings are intense enough, I will fixate on that person.

 

I wonder if that's what OP is doing with her SD.

 

ETA: Toxic shame also explains why someone I used to know treated me the way that she did. She went out of her way to try and place limitations onto me - what she thinks is an okay way to act or think - which probably are the same limitations she put on herself.

Edited April 15, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Mapper71]

She visited this past weekend to get away from the "drama" at home with her friends. When isn't there drama with her friends? I have never known a teenager always losing friends to drama that, of course, she NEVER caused! Last week they were her best friends and this week she is no longer speaking to them...and next week she'll have a new best friend who is SOOOO nice...until the following week when they will have said something bad about her and she will banish them from her life!

 

Then the whole thing about how she'd like to move out of her mom's house but can't because she has no money and she can't really work while in school because she'd be working all the time and would have no time for school. Plus, all her friends are partier's and she doesn't want to move in with them and the only girl she would trust doesn't want to move out for another year and that girl has like $10000 in savings so she's the only one that SD could count on to pay rent. Yet she has no money herself to pay rent?! She goes "Well I'd really have nothing to offer her if I moved in with her." You go out and spend, what you say is your own money, on this expensive makeup, but have no savings. She has got an excuse for everything--why she can't work, why she can't move out, why she had to change majors. Honestly, if she is just SO busy with school, then why not once during the time she was up here or the time before did I see her crack open a school book or do any homework? She spent hours on her phone and watching tv. I doubt she does much studying at all as she is always on Facebook at all hours of the day. If she worked as much as she was on the phone, she'd have some income. And there's absolutely no reason she can't get a full time job in the summer! She can't rely on babysitting of one person as a source of income!

 

Also, I rarely, if ever, have her say "I don't know" to something. She starts talking and acts like she is an expert on it and has no clue. For example, our truck was having suspension issues last week. I took it to get scanned for the code as to what is wrong with it and told H who is going to fix it. I was out driving in it with SD on Saturday and got out to fill up with gas. The back end had gotten a lot lower since I last drove it and mentioned it to SD. She gets out and looks at it and goes "Oh it looks like your tire pressure is really low." I say, "No it has something to do with the suspension". She goes "No, I'm pretty sure it's your tires. I'd change mechanics if I were you if they didn't even see that." She has absolutely no clue!

[Tayla]

A www, she sounds like you in so many ways. How endearing.

 

I'd check the tire pressure. No harm no foul.

[Mapper71]

A www, she sounds like you in so many ways. How endearing.

 

I'd check the tire pressure. No harm no foul.

 

Awwww...SO sweet Tayla. Thanks bunches!! Hugs and kisses!!:laugh: