Here is my situation with my girlfriend!

[alexwscott]

36 hours of her life without you in it? Seriously? Wow.

 

Really dude? I'm scheming anything. I'm trying to work through all of this and be positive that a good outcome happens. It's all about baby steps and taking this one day at a time. Trying to kill my optimism about this situation doesn't help me out.

[Weathersf1]

All of our good memories and what we are able to build does mean something in the end doesn't it? It has to weigh on any decision about our future she makes, right?!? Or am I being too optimistic here?

 

Im sorry to tell you brother but they mean nothing. They're history just like you and I. She's not interested in Yesterday, she's interested in today and tomorrow. I'm going through a BU of my own and that was a huge point I made to myself that all the memories that we had in the end would account for something. But my ex didn't give a F**k. And yours doesn't either.

 

When they decide you're out, you're out bro. And yours like mine has decided that you're out. Don't beat yourself up too much. Learn, cope and move on. That's all you can do. You wanna recover. Go NC. I did and I wake up everyday with a huge hole in my heart but I'd rather accept what is than keep wishing what was.

 

What was is gone. Don't chase a ghost. She comes back, then great but don't chase her. Scarcity creates value. Disappear as if you're dead. If she wants you, she will wonder and sooner or later come knocking. If she doesn't, she doesn't care whether you live or die. And you got the answer.

 

Happy healing brother.

[ExpatInItaly]

All of our good memories and what we are able to build does mean something in the end doesn't it? It has to weigh on any decision about our future she makes, right?!? Or am I being too optimistic here?

 

Im sorry to tell you brother but they mean nothing. They're history just like you and I. She's not interested in Yesterday, she's interested in today and tomorrow. I'm going through a BU of my own and that was a huge point I made to myself that all the memories that we had in the end would account for something. But my ex didn't give a F**k. And yours doesn't either.

 

When they decide you're out, you're out bro. And yours like mine has decided that you're out. Don't beat yourself up too much. Learn, cope and move on. That's all you can do. You wanna recover. Go NC. I did and I wake up everyday with a huge hole in my heart but I'd rather accept what is than keep wishing what was.

 

What was is gone. Don't chase a ghost. She comes back, then great but don't chase her. Scarcity creates value. Disappear as if you're dead. If she wants you, she will wonder and sooner or later come knocking. If she doesn't, she doesn't care whether you live or die. And you got the answer.

 

Happy healing brother.

 

This is often very true. Especially when the relationship has this much toxicity.

 

One of my exes behaved similarly to OP. When I finally left, it was because my feelings had changed to the point of not wanting to be around him. The romantic spark had died and I couldn't do it anymore. Even if he had changed his ways, it woudn't have mattered much because I was no longer interested and moved on to greener pastures. The problems we had were simply too great for me to overlook.

 

Two years after the break-up and he still comes sniffing around sometimes, trying to message me, wanting to meet up. But it's too late.

[lolablue17]

You may have done some mistakes, but It has nothing to do with the break up. Even if you had been very supportive, she would have broken up with you.

 

So, stop blaming yourself. It's not you, it's her.

[Marc878]

Geeze man!!!!!

 

I think you texted her to death.

 

You sound very needy and controlling. She's trying to be nice about it but I suspect she's gone and not looking back. Expect to get blocked next.

 

You should have stated your opinion and let her make her decision without freaking out (which is what you've done).

 

This is all on you. Work on your relationship skills for the next one.

[TaraMaiden2]

You may have done some mistakes, but It has nothing to do with the break up. Even if you had been very supportive, she would have broken up with you.

 

So, stop blaming yourself. It's not you, it's her.

 

No, it's definitely him.

No question.

And this obsessive persistence in insisting on trying, pushing, keeping on, determined to operate in whichever way is necessary to salvage this lost cause - is a clear and evident indication that his obsessive, persistent hounding of her (prevalent and continual in post #1) isn't done yet.

 

He tried to be influential and to convince her to do what he wanted and exerted an inordinate amount of negative pressure on her to do what he wanted.

In the end, that's WHY she dumped him.

That's why even his family contacted him and asked him to back off.

Because the pressure was insistent, relentless and oppressive.

 

And now, in spite of ALL advice to the contrary, that insistent, relentless and oppressive desire to get her back or not lose her, is just as evident.

 

He is addicted to her presence and needs to regain control of the situation in order to be satisfied.

 

But that is an extremely warped and damaged way of viewing things.

The OP needs to back off completely, admit to himself - convince himself - tell himself repeatedly - that this is over, and it's over because of his domineering attitude.

 

He desperately needs therapy to discover the source of this neediness, this craving, this desire to overwhelm and subjugate his GF to his wishes.

 

Repeatedly in his first post he states that he tried his level best to step back and let her do what she wanted - but he never managed it.

He never quite got to that point of release. He could never completely let go of his desire to bend her will to his.

 

He even went so far as to try to manipulate matters so that she would end up working where HE wanted, not where her heart's desire would lead her.

 

The first post is very skillfully and artfully worded. It's very verbose, and articulate, but read between the lines and it basically comes down to this: She sought a job which he was dead against her taking, for self-serving reasons. He tried every which way possible to stop her having an interview, and accepting the post.

He made every effort to manipulate her, emotionally and tactically, into doing what he chose for her.

It got so bad that in her distress, she turned to her family for support - and they reproached him, advising him to support her, not bring her down.

 

In the end, he left her no option but to cut ties, because I suspect, that no matter how gentle he's made himself sound, how adoring, how concerned - her life must have been made a living nightmare by a bf who was trying persistently to get her to conform to his desires.

 

THis has to stop, and it has to stop now, because the OP is actually persisting in a detrimental way both to himself and her.

He is doing himself no favours, because his insistence that he has to try, it's worth trying, it's too good to lose - is just his opinion. Not hers.

In a way, he's just repeating the pattern.

 

Which is why it is vital he cut all ties, abandon this 'plan of action' and seek therapy for his controlling and demanding nature.

There HAS to be an underlying cause.

The issue here, is finding it and dealing with it.

[alexwscott]

No, it's definitely him.

No question.

And this obsessive persistence in insisting on trying, pushing, keeping on, determined to operate in whichever way is necessary to salvage this lost cause - is a clear and evident indication that his obsessive, persistent hounding of her (prevalent and continual in post #1) isn't done yet.

 

He tried to be influential and to convince her to do what he wanted and exerted an inordinate amount of negative pressure on her to do what he wanted.

In the end, that's WHY she dumped him.

That's why even his family contacted him and asked him to back off.

Because the pressure was insistent, relentless and oppressive.

 

And now, in spite of ALL advice to the contrary, that insistent, relentless and oppressive desire to get her back or not lose her, is just as evident.

 

He is addicted to her presence and needs to regain control of the situation in order to be satisfied.

 

But that is an extremely warped and damaged way of viewing things.

The OP needs to back off completely, admit to himself - convince himself - tell himself repeatedly - that this is over, and it's over because of his domineering attitude.

 

He desperately needs therapy to discover the source of this neediness, this craving, this desire to overwhelm and subjugate his GF to his wishes.

 

Repeatedly in his first post he states that he tried his level best to step back and let her do what she wanted - but he never managed it.

He never quite got to that point of release. He could never completely let go of his desire to bend her will to his.

 

He even went so far as to try to manipulate matters so that she would end up working where HE wanted, not where her heart's desire would lead her.

 

The first post is very skillfully and artfully worded. It's very verbose, and articulate, but read between the lines and it basically comes down to this: She sought a job which he was dead against her taking, for self-serving reasons. He tried every which way possible to stop her having an interview, and accepting the post.

He made every effort to manipulate her, emotionally and tactically, into doing what he chose for her.

It got so bad that in her distress, she turned to her family for support - and they reproached him, advising him to support her, not bring her down.

 

In the end, he left her no option but to cut ties, because I suspect, that no matter how gentle he's made himself sound, how adoring, how concerned - her life must have been made a living nightmare by a bf who was trying persistently to get her to conform to his desires.

 

THis has to stop, and it has to stop now, because the OP is actually persisting in a detrimental way both to himself and her.

He is doing himself no favours, because his insistence that he has to try, it's worth trying, it's too good to lose - is just his opinion. Not hers.

In a way, he's just repeating the pattern.

 

Which is why it is vital he cut all ties, abandon this 'plan of action' and seek therapy for his controlling and demanding nature.

There HAS to be an underlying cause.

The issue here, is finding it and dealing with it.

 

So you think I'm lying? You think I'm really that bad of a person? If I'm such a bad person why was our relationship perfect before this fight broke out?

 

You're basically saying my only option is to just lay down my arms and quit? I already started no contact. I don't pester her at all and have let her live her life.

 

This woman meant a lot to me and I don't see how having a positive attitude about any sort of sliver of a chance I have is a bad thing. I guess though, in your eyes, I am still being oppressive by giving myself since sort of hope.

 

I believe time will heal some wounds and get us to a place where we can communicate again. It may not be soon, but I still have some hope. Sure I have some issues that I need to work out and have accepted and that's step one.

 

How do you even know what her opinions are? You don't know me or her and every situation is different! Maybe all she does need is a break to sort out her feelings and life and we can go from there. Maybe she is actually sincere and kind and is a good person and hasn't fully given up on me yet.

 

She hasn't had the gaul to delete me from her life completely. Maybe actually seeing me change and improve will spark something in her. I'm not trying to force this to happen. I've been very patient with her before and can be again until I have some answers either way.

 

You seem to think she's just thrown me to the wolves and has already forgotten about me and moved on. You don't know what she's doing, thinking, feeling at all! She may be just as hurt as I am and as conflicted to what to do.

 

Yes, you're right, all of this could just be in my head and in just giving myself false hope, but I'm not going to just give up. We built something grand together for two years and you can't just turn a switch and poof it's gone!

 

I think she is really trying to do some soul searching of what her next move is and I'm starting my own journey, but just giving up and letting her to after working so hard to make her happy and after putting in the work to improve myself can't be the only option I have.

 

Yes I was a monster to her, but I can't deny the love we had for each other and the compassion this woman really does have. Call me what you want, but I'm not a bad person. I just have my own flaws just like everyone else. I'm willing and ready to improve them.

 

Love does win in the end of all of this. I have every right to have hope and to learn from the negatives here to make a positive impact on my life. I honestly don't think it's the final straw in our relationship. It's a hurdle and a large bump in the road, but hey nobody said any of this is easy.

[Els]

I'm not going to talk about the 100(!!!) texts again, as others have already covered it.

 

I will, instead, say that I think you need to do some introspection into your reaction towards her taking that job. Honestly... seeing each other 3 days a week is not such a terrible thing. The way you described your reaction, it's like she was going to a country 5000 miles away or going to work as a prostitute or something like that. If you're going to see each other 3 days a week it's not even considered a LDR IMO. You should think about your overdependence on the R and how to prevent that from happening again in the future, regardless of whether it is with this woman or another.

 

 

When she first told you of the job and how much time she would be away because of it, she had already put you into the trashcan. Her job was more important than you. Everything else from that point on was just icing on the rotting cake.

 

Oh, c'mon. She's 23, they're not married or even living together, they haven't even been together for 2 years yet. She's absolutely right to not give up her career for the relationship, especially when he isn't even supporting her financially. That does not mean she's 'putting him into the trashcan', she was trying to juggle both. Lots of people spend their weekdays away for work and are able to manage a happy relationship with an understanding partner.

[TaraMaiden2]

So you think I'm lying? You think I'm really that bad of a person? If I'm such a bad person why was our relationship perfect before this fight broke out?

Your relationship was far from perfect. Re-read your post. This wasn't a fight. This was an escalation of your dysfunction. I don't think you're lying, but I do think you're seriously deluding yourself....

 

You're basically saying my only option is to just lay down my arms and quit? I already started no contact. I don't pester her at all and have let her live her life.

Yes. Quit. Work on yourself, first, last and foremost.

 

This woman meant a lot to me and I don't see how having a positive attitude about any sort of sliver of a chance I have is a bad thing. I guess though, in your eyes, I am still being oppressive by giving myself since sort of hope.

The extent to which your behaviour eventually drove her away means that you have your work cut out for you. And it will take years. Seriously. This situation has insidiously grown over a period of time. It escalated to a point where she could no longer tolerate your actions. Regaining her trust, and convincing her you are genuinely changed - not changING - changed, for good, will be a herculean task. I'm certain, as I sit here and type, she doesn't want to risk even the thought of possibly going back to that.

 

I believe time will heal some wounds and get us to a place where we can communicate again. It may not be soon, but I still have some hope. Sure I have some issues that I need to work out and have accepted and that's step one.

Time does nothing. All time does is pass. there are people who went out with their ex for fewer than 6 months and are still pining 5 years alter. there are those who were married to their ex for 10 years and 5 months later, are happily dating again. Time isn't a factor. A person's ability to release and move on, is.

 

How do you even know what her opinions are? You don't know me or her and every situation is different!

I'm a woman. And this situation has repeated time, and time, and time again on this forum. Woman tried. Man ignores problem. Woman gives up and dumps. Man realises his problem and wants to repair. Woman says no, she;'s done, you should have realised and done more at the time. This scenario is unique. The situation is all too common.

 

Maybe all she does need is a break to sort out her feelings and life and we can go from there. Maybe she is actually sincere and kind and is a good person and hasn't fully given up on me yet.

Hopeful and wishful thinking. Maybe, maybe, maybe the total opposite....

 

She hasn't had the gaul to delete me from her life completely. Maybe actually seeing me change and improve will spark something in her. I'm not trying to force this to happen. I've been very patient with her before and can be again until I have some answers either way.

You've been in her life 2 years. of course that had an effect. And as far as forcing is concerned, in a way, you are. You've been patient with her?? I think she was inordinately patient with you!!

 

 

You seem to think she's just thrown me to the wolves and has already forgotten about me and moved on.

Oh, and I said that - where, exactly?

 

You don't know what she's doing, thinking, feeling at all! She may be just as hurt as I am and as conflicted to what to do.

I'm sure there is an element of that, of course. Things like this don't just disappear and go ice-cold overnight. But believe me when I tell you I suspect she feels she can breathe again.

 

Yes, you're right, all of this could just be in my head and in just giving myself false hope, but I'm not going to just give up. We built something grand together for two years and you can't just turn a switch and poof it's gone!

And you just won't take no for an answer will you?

I'm beginning to understand how she felt. I'm telling you - form long and extended experience what is happening here. Point-blank you refuse to listen, and insist you are right in every sense....

 

I think she is really trying to do some soul searching of what her next move is and I'm starting my own journey, but just giving up and letting her to after working so hard to make her happy and after putting in the work to improve myself can't be the only option I have.

Yes, actually, it is. But you insist it isn't because you want, and you want to get. Just like your blow-up with her, you're insisting against all odds and arguments....

 

Yes I was a monster to her, but I can't deny the love we had for each other and the compassion this woman really does have. Call me what you want, but I'm not a bad person. I just have my own flaws just like everyone else. I'm willing and ready to improve them.

Improve them is insufficient. They have to be GONE by the time you reach out to her. Completely. You scared her big time with your domineering insistence. And you actually probably killed that deep love she once had for you....

 

Love does win in the end of all of this.

Not if it's more one sided or unrequited.

I have every right to have hope and to learn from the negatives here to make a positive impact on my life.

Well learn. What is everyone telling you? And why are you paying no attention and insisting your way is right, contrary to all advice, counsel and opinion?

 

I honestly don't think it's the final straw in our relationship.

What you think, and what it is, are poles apart.

 

It's a hurdle and a large bump in the road, but hey nobody said any of this is easy.

Bump in the road doesn't begin to cover it. And it won't be easy, because ypou won't take "no, it's over" - from her - for an answer....

[elaine567]

I really do not know why you want her back as obviously you did not work as a couple.

YOU have an intense need to control your partner and you went to extraordinary lengths to exercise that control, but she, under such intense pressure did not cave and dumped you instead.

How on earth can she ever trust you not to go "mental" on her ever again?

"Alex, I've got the chance of a promotion..."

200 texts later...

 

NO, the fact she has decided that you both should see other people during the "break", is the death knell here.

You are actually broken up for good, she will not want to revisit this.

YOU may have found your "perfect woman", I doubt she sees you now as her "perfect man".

Learn from this experience and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

I really do not know why you want her back as obviously you did not work as a couple.

YOU have an intense need to control your partner and you went to extraordinary lengths to exercise that control, but she, under such intense pressure did not cave and dumped you instead.

How on earth can she ever trust you not to go "mental" on her ever again?

"Alex, I've got the chance of a promotion..."

200 texts later...

 

NO, the fact she has decided that you both should see other people during the "break", is the death knell here.

You are actually broken up for good, she will not want to revisit this.

YOU may have found your "perfect woman", I doubt she sees you now as her "perfect man".

Learn from this experience and move on.

 

I wholeheartedly agree.

 

I have never once suggested to a man I want a future with that he should see other people.

 

She is saying that because she already knows she's closing this chapter.

Edited April 2, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[LD1990]

Now in the midst of all this my girlfriend is diagnosed with late onset type 1 diabetes and put down the boxing gloves and was there and supportive through all of that. I bring this up because the company she was offered the job for is a Healthcare company and has a doctor on site and has incentives for being and staying healthy. So with this mindset in mind she felt that this was the right choice for her health. She kept telling me that this job was the best thing for her and her life. I wanted what's best for our relationship and our life together and our future. She kept saying her, her, her and I didn't realize that I had to be real and be supportive of what she wants because she's young and this really is a good opportunity for her, her health and our future because it was a much higher paycheck.

 

I didn't listen though and instead of putting down the boxing gloves and be supportive I kept trying different things to get her to not take the job like supplementing her income while she looked for another job and all these ideas and things just to keep her from traveling and being away from me. When she tells me that this was her dream job and wanted to work there since college and it would be just a stepping stone in our life together that we'd get through, but I didn't listen to any of it. I just couldn't turn off my brain to let rational thought in. I just kept fighting and fighting and this went on for three weeks.

 

So she gets diagnosed with diabetes, this job has excellent health care options, and instead of supporting her you just kept making her life harder. I mean you say you "put down the boxing gloves" but one paragraph later you're saying you actually just kept fighting with her. You think time is just gonna make her forget that? You've already proven to her that you're all about yourself and that what she wants doesn't mean a thing unless she dumps you, in which case after a couple weeks you'll be supportive.

 

This is where things get interesting. The next day I ask her if there is any way to fix our relationship and she said "please give me time. I cannot guarantee anything, but please give me some time to think." I left it at that and didn't text her at all for the rest of the day and night. The next day I ask her if she still loves me and if she thinks we do have a chance at all? I told her I didn't want to play a game and if she wanted to end things completely she should just to spare me the misery of holding onto this and getting hurt later in the future. She then replies back with "it's not a simple question. I do think we should at least take a break and if we are meant to be we will come back to each other. I feel maybe you should get the help you say you are going to get and we should be apart when that happens. We should this time for ourselves. I can't guarantee that we will find each other again, but if we are meant to be then we will find each other. " I take a step back and then agree with the break. I do send a couple texts about how a break isn't always a good solution, etc. I then back off and send a huge text saying that I'll respect her space and this break, but I want rules to the break. So most importantly I ask for a time table and if we are seeing other people or not.

 

She replies the next day saying we should see other people during this. That she didn't mean to hurt me, but it was for the best. I was very hurt by this a perturbed that she addressed the seeing other people, but not the time table. So I kept pestering her about the time table. She replies later with "idk maybe 3 months?" instead of just stopping there, I text back "you tell me. You're the one who wants this break so you can find somebody else to fall in love with and forget about me." she replies back with "that's not true at all. This wasn't some small thing that just effected me. It effected my whole family. I know you say you support me now, but I just can't forget what happened. What is the best thing I'm interested in that you'll disagree with and we go through this whole ordeal again. I don't mean to hurt you, but what happened was eye opening. I don't want to bring up the past and what happened, but it's not easy just to forget.

 

Even when you two broke up and you're trying to win her back, you didn't respect her wishes at all. She asks for space - you want rules, time tables. She isn't clear about a time table - you send an aggressive response. Again, it's all about you. You want her back so she better figure this break thing out.

 

Her responses about the break are very telling. You ask her about seeing other people and a time table, she says yes to seeing other people and ignores the time table part. She wants to see other people. She does not want this break to end.

 

 

She has given you every indication that she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. You kept controlling her and putting pressure on her, even after the break up, and to such an extreme degree that she'll never forget it. You say she's gonna see your changes - how, exactly? She wants nothing to do with you. Not only do you need to do a complete 180, you need her to spend enough time with you to see that, which just isn't gonna happen.

[mightycpa]

Really dude? I'm scheming anything. I'm trying to work through all of this and be positive that a good outcome happens. It's all about baby steps and taking this one day at a time. Trying to kill my optimism about this situation doesn't help me out.

Actually, if you listen, it might help you out. If I was walking down the street, and I saw you banging your head against a brick wall, I'd try to get you to stop doing it, no matter how much you wanted to keep on going. You might not interpret this as help at that moment, but that doesn't mean it isn't help.

 

So, yes, really, dude. You can't win in love if you have to fight the very person that you claim to love. There are two kinds of love, the selfish kind, that wants the other to be happy, but only if that happiness is with them, and then there's the "love is patient and kind" variety. You've got a bad case of the former. It's ok, we all have had that, and we all understand what it feels like, But at some point, you've got to understand what it really is, and know that what you're addicted to is a bad matchup. It's not your fault, and it isn't her fault. But that doesn't mean it's meant to be.

 

She's told you as much. Accept it. Let it go and wish her well. All the optimism in the world won't bring her back and help her forget. You had your shot. You blew it. It's pretty much that simple.