Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 And I do wonder if older people are TRULY attracted to other older people. And I'm not talking about people being in love or whatever...I'm talking about whether they truly think other older people are hot or sexy. Because...ewww. So what then, if you are older, or getting older - one can't just keep dating 30 year olds, unless I guess you're rich or famous (generally speaking)....
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Yes, break up and find the love of your life who you are attracted to. but therein lies the problem, I'm not attracted to women my age and I realize the problem is with me - but I don't know how to change it. what if I never find that perfect person who's older, I'm attracted to, and is a good person and compatible... seems like it's hard enough to find when you're young, but I feel as I age, the probability is diminishing. I know this all sounds horrible, but that's why I posted this - I'm trying to deal w/ it.
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Find yourself someone you are more attracted to. But remember this new person will have flaws as well. I fear that based on my desires - basically what I find attractive instinctively - purely on a physical level is not realistic. I fear I'll wind up alone because of it and I am desperate to change this... i dont know how.
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Is it possible that you are projecting you own dissatisfaction with how you have aged and how you have grown less attractive to younger women, onto her? Rather than face your own ageing process, you are putting the "blame" onto her. You feel you deserve better and having a youthful beautiful face looking back at you would make you feel a lot happier than having to be constantly reminded of how you have aged too. Just a thought. there is truth to that, but it's not the full explanation, I have always been attracted to a certain type/age all my life, and there was never an issue - it's only an issue because now I'm older and my tastes haven't adapted.
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Ok, but the women you were attracted to in your 20s have gotten older. Are you still attracted to them? Aren't there any women that you've known for 20 years, who were hot then and are hot now? If not, what about in Hollywood? My husband is about your age and is still attracted to the same actresses that he was when he was younger--but they (husband and actresses) are obviously all older now! He's crazy about Robin Wright in House of Cards. I see 3 big problems for you: --any woman you are attracted to now will potentially be unattractive to you in 5-10 years when they "age out" of your attraction window --you haven't said much about your own appearance, but you may not actually be attractive to the women you are attracted to --even if you attracted a beautiful, young woman, it likely would not solve your issues and create feelings of contentment. The issue is not women, but you. sadly, all those cute girls from college, now when I see them in their late 40s/50s... I do not find them attractive at all. of course there are exceptions, but they are rare or in hollywood - not realistic... robin wright from house of cards is one of those rare exceptions. I remember when she was in princess bride- i found her hot then and now still beautiful.. but if we all gave up our relationships to find that rare possibility, we'd all be single. you are right on all your points.. i just wish instead there was some advice on what to do about it. I totally get it and the problem is me, so now what? i'm totally lost on what to do.
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 We like what we like, what we like and no one can alter that. I can agree w/ this but that doesn't mean I can get what I like - I feel I'm aged out of what I like and the rare older women who are still beautiful to me are usually in the movies or if in life, taken. Or maybe out of my league. Either way, I feel I'm too picky. If I were more attracted to more types, would be easier, assuming that it's easy to find a wonderful person too (which it's not) - i realize what a rare person my girl in in terms of her heart and soul.. it's just this superficial BS that's making it a problem. I just wish I could not care. but if as you say it's ok, then still I find it all so disheartening.
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 there is truth to that, but it's not the full explanation, I have always been attracted to a certain type/age all my life, and there was never an issue - it's only an issue because now I'm older and my tastes haven't adapted. Truth is you "settled" with this woman and now it has come home to roost. I think if you had got with a woman you did find attractive from the start, you would not be where you are now. YOU need to let this woman go, before she notices your repulsion and disgust over how she looks. It is not going to get any better, is it? Better you end it now, than let it wither on the vine and die. Growing resentment on both sides will eventually kill it off, but by that time you will be in your fifties - bitter and twisted - then where will you be???? 1
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 Agree with Elaine... As I said in my previous post, you were both looking for something that was mutually beneficial to you both at the time, over time she has fallen in love with who you are both physically and mentally, you have not. When you got together you were both at a point in your lives where anyone willing to offer companionship and the prospect of love was probably enough for both of you, to feel secure and wanted. And as I said, in her mind she's grown to love you, in your mind, while you may 'love her', I don't think you are in love with her. I think you love what she has giving you, and you love her more as a close friend who has supported you through the years. If I was you, I would think it may be best to at the very least come clean to her and tell her how you feel. I wouldn't bring in to the convo that you don't think to highly of her looks, but I would tell her that you have your own issues that you are trying to deal with. I would possibly suggest a break. Go out with an open mind and see if you really do want to be with someone else. Try to approach someone younger or more attractive and see what happens. I think only then will you know what you want. It's always going to play on your mind and tear you both apart if you do nothing.
xxoo Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 sadly, all those cute girls from college, now when I see them in their late 40s/50s... I do not find them attractive at all. of course there are exceptions, but they are rare or in hollywood - not realistic... robin wright from house of cards is one of those rare exceptions. I remember when she was in princess bride- i found her hot then and now still beautiful.. but if we all gave up our relationships to find that rare possibility, we'd all be single. you are right on all your points.. i just wish instead there was some advice on what to do about it. I totally get it and the problem is me, so now what? i'm totally lost on what to do. How do you look? How you kept up your own attractiveness over the past 20 years to turn the head of a Robin Wright type? These are not rare exceptions, ime. I'm in this general age group (mid 40s), and I know many fit, attractive women my age. They are generally married to successful, attractive men. I live in a wealthy professional area, and that helps. People around here have the resources and motivation to take care of themselves and look good. My husband and his colleagues are not having any problem attracting hot women of their own age
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 I think if you had got with a woman you did find attractive from the start, you would not be where you are now. I wonder about that a lot, what you said, if i had been more attracted from the start, maybe I wouldn't have these questions even if the looks had faded. to be honest, we weren't sexually connected either from the start, not because of looks, but other reasons, so we never really bonded in that way. In my past relationships, I had many very hot passions, attraction and hot sex. In this one we never clicked in that way and I think that added to it. Now she is really different, she changed for the better, but I changed for the worst. I really wanted her from the beginning and she wasn't very sexually motivated, now she is, and I'm not. It's so tragic. I can't bear to leave her yet I know I must. but then when I'm about to, I wonder, can't I just accept her as is? wouldn't it be nice to just feel content and commit and be happy w/ her? will I really find something better, or will I just regret it and be alone. Am I so damaged I will find problems w/ everyone, or will I meet that special person and be so glad I made that choice. I'm paralyzed.
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I wonder about that a lot, what you said, if i had been more attracted from the start, maybe I wouldn't have these questions even if the looks had faded. to be honest, we weren't sexually connected either from the start, not because of looks, but other reasons, so we never really bonded in that way. In my past relationships, I had many very hot passions, attraction and hot sex. In this one we never clicked in that way and I think that added to it. Now she is really different, she changed for the better, but I changed for the worst. I really wanted her from the beginning and she wasn't very sexually motivated, now she is, and I'm not. It's so tragic. I can't bear to leave her yet I know I must. but then when I'm about to, I wonder, can't I just accept her as is? wouldn't it be nice to just feel content and commit and be happy w/ her? will I really find something better, or will I just regret it and be alone. Am I so damaged I will find problems w/ everyone, or will I meet that special person and be so glad I made that choice. I'm paralyzed. Sadly you are going to be taking a risk either way. If you stay you are taking the risk that this will tear you both apart further down the line, and you will feel worse then than you do now, and by then it will also be effecting her. If you leave you take the risk that you may regret it over time, that you may not even find someone else. Or you could, and you could be happier. It really comes down to what you think is going to be better for you long term. As I said, I think this is something you need to try and talk about to her.
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 Try to approach someone younger or more attractive and see what happens. I really appreciate your advice Steven1... I have been in that position already and it only brought me frustration and rejection in the past. I don't really want a younger person actually - I don't have patience for it, despite being attracted... maybe someone in their 30s, but not 20s for sure. I guess I'm really scared, scared of being alone, scared I'm too picky, scared I'm damaged goods, scared I'll give up this wonderful person to be forever searching, lonely and full of regret. There were a few "almosts" in my life and I wonder if they had worked out, would I be happy today? But the irony is that even though I had strong chemistry/attraction/sex w/ those people, they or I didn't want it in the end for good reasons of trust, honesty, personality, compatibilty - the real important stuff. Now I have someone w/ ALL that and more, and she loves me to death and wants more than anything to be with me, but we dont' have the chemistry/attraction/sex.. It's like a cruel joke, or maybe it just doesn't exist to have both.. and that's why I question leaving, cause what she has is more important, but the physical is something I can't control and it affects me. but the physical is also something that I know fades anyway, so why can't I just let go of it now?
Author RrrrR Posted March 30, 2016 Author Posted March 30, 2016 How do you look? you bring up a good point and that's the issue.. I'm not sure I look good enough or am rich or famous enough to get any of those rare beauties. I am good looking and fit, but still... the issue is that I don't want to want those women, I want to want my woman, or to be more aestheticall flexible, but how does one do that if they aren't already? but if my current relationship wont work out because of me, and I can't get those other women, then I will eventually have to settle or be alone, or get really really lucky. I have doubts whether there's some better more compatible more attractive more chemistry person out there for me. I guess i have not idea about anything except the growing feeling that I'm all messed up.
mightycpa Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) but that is not love either...precisely! why get all hung up on love? you're either in it, or you're not, and there's not much you can do to sway your heart in either direction. For the record, I note that you said "either", meaning at least subconsciously, you acknowledge that you don't actually love this woman you're with now. You just know she's a catch, but for her looks, and like any valuable commodity that you might possess, it is difficult to just give it away without recompense. Do I have this about right? but therein lies the problem, I'm not attracted to women my age and I realize the problem is with me - but I don't know how to change it. what if I never find that perfect person who's older, I'm attracted to, and is a good person and compatible... seems like it's hard enough to find when you're young, but I feel as I age, the probability is diminishing. I know this all sounds horrible, but that's why I posted this - I'm trying to deal w/ it.That's why God created Russian wives and ladies of the night. The other possibility for you is to think outside the box, get an older woman for companionship and a younger model (as aforementioned) to satisfy your sexual needs. Edited March 30, 2016 by mightycpa
Steven1 Posted March 30, 2016 Posted March 30, 2016 I really appreciate your advice Steven1... I have been in that position already and it only brought me frustration and rejection in the past. I don't really want a younger person actually - I don't have patience for it, despite being attracted... maybe someone in their 30s, but not 20s for sure. I guess I'm really scared, scared of being alone, scared I'm too picky, scared I'm damaged goods, scared I'll give up this wonderful person to be forever searching, lonely and full of regret. There were a few "almosts" in my life and I wonder if they had worked out, would I be happy today? But the irony is that even though I had strong chemistry/attraction/sex w/ those people, they or I didn't want it in the end for good reasons of trust, honesty, personality, compatibilty - the real important stuff. Now I have someone w/ ALL that and more, and she loves me to death and wants more than anything to be with me, but we dont' have the chemistry/attraction/sex.. It's like a cruel joke, or maybe it just doesn't exist to have both.. and that's why I question leaving, cause what she has is more important, but the physical is something I can't control and it affects me. but the physical is also something that I know fades anyway, so why can't I just let go of it now? I don't think anyone has the perfect relationship, well if we did, nobody would break up really would they? I think just going from what you said there you still have many regrets about the past and it may not even have so much to do with the physical aspect of things, I think in general you just have a lot of regrets and wished you had done things differently in the past and that is just hitting you now. You know already you won't be alone if you stay where you are, you may also not be alone if you leave. I think you just need to try and come at it with a neutral view and try to think to yourself of the pro's and con's as such. I may be wrong but as I said I think there are things in the past that you wish had been different and that's coming back to you now, and I completely understand that, my relationship of 7 years just recently ended and I have so many regrets that I didn't do more with her, even that I just didn't hold her for those extra few minutes every day. But sadly that is something I have to live with, and my advice would be that maybe it is something you CAN live with, if we always looked on the past with regrets, we would never move forward.
xxoo Posted March 31, 2016 Posted March 31, 2016 you bring up a good point and that's the issue.. I'm not sure I look good enough or am rich or famous enough to get any of those rare beauties. I am good looking and fit, but still... the issue is that I don't want to want those women, I want to want my woman, or to be more aestheticall flexible, but how does one do that if they aren't already? but if my current relationship wont work out because of me, and I can't get those other women, then I will eventually have to settle or be alone, or get really really lucky. I have doubts whether there's some better more compatible more attractive more chemistry person out there for me. I guess i have not idea about anything except the growing feeling that I'm all messed up. Again, it's not rare for a 40/50 year old woman to be fit and attractive among professional crowds. You weren't attracted to your woman when she was younger, and you aren't now. I suspect you may have a case of "wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would accept me".
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