Crisis of Conscience, Mid-Life, Unreasonable Expectations?

[Steven1]

I agree w/ you 100%, Steven1, but how do I make that the case? What can I do to let go of this? I feel intellectually I understand, but something keeps bothering me about it and I feel powerless to change it...

 

 

I think it depends how you view women in general around you tbh. I've seen it myself at the Gym don't worry, you always see a lot of the older men in their late 30s, even as high as early 60s some of them, eyeing up women that are probably early 20s..., that's just something that happens.

 

I think you know yourself though and you said it yourself that it's unrealistic, and you have to think of it as that. I'm sure you could look at a 25 bedroom mansion with seven swimming pools and an underground nuclear bunker, want it, knowing you won't get it, but not lose sleep over it.

 

You never touched on what your actual relationship is like in terms of what the two of you do together. I would hazard a guess that in your early days together you probably went out to eat at nice places etc. What ever you and her used to enjoy early on in the relationship, try going back to that to see if it brings anything else around for you. Treat her to a day out at a health spa etc or a romantic hotel..., sometimes you just need the environment rather than the physical appearance.

[RrrrR]

elaine567... when she was younger, there was still this youthful quality about her, though even then I don't think anyone would have called her attractive. however, she and I met at a moment when we both wanted/needed love, and nothing at that point really mattered... over time, with the romance waning and years shedding the youthfulness, it started to become more of an issue. I really dont' care what others think, I just miss that feeling of looking at someone and feeling physically and animally attracted or my passions ignited. Is that something you just have to forget as you get older?

[RrrrR]

thank you kztar, but how do I do that - look at it from another perspective, when this one is consuming me. I would do it in an instant and trade anything to do so, I just don't know how.

[RrrrR]

Steven1... we have gone through that phase, actually many times trying to reignite the romance... nothing seems to work for my side. For her it does. She finds me very attractive, and I don't think she's just saying it. She wants to be w/ me more than anything which makes me feel lucky as hell... and guilty as hell. The romantic feeling is not mutual and I want it to be, but maybe I'm forcing it. And it's not that I would only settle for the mansion (though that is a good point), it's that I look at her and often find her very "unattractive." I either think I should "settle" - that is accept that this is what it is and learn to accept her looks, or I say, no, this cannot be forced and it's not fair to her - doesn't she deserve to be w/ someone who is fully attracted to her as she is w/ me? I go in circles, and I can't seem to find a solution - intellectually yes, but........

[GorillaTheater]

elaine567... when she was younger, there was still this youthful quality about her, though even then I don't think anyone would have called her attractive. however, she and I met at a moment when we both wanted/needed love, and nothing at that point really mattered... over time, with the romance waning and years shedding the youthfulness, it started to become more of an issue. I really dont' care what others think, I just miss that feeling of looking at someone and feeling physically and animally attracted or my passions ignited. Is that something you just have to forget as you get older?

 

 

Nope. My wife and I have around a half-dozen years on you, and we still lust after each other to the point that it embarrasses the kids, which of course is something of a bonus. Could we be seeing each other through love goggles? Maybe. Both of us keep ourselves together pretty well, but aesthetically we're not going to compete well with folks two or three decades younger. Like a lot of people here, though, I'm wondering how your aesthetics pan out and what you're bringing to the table.

 

 

Do you love her? I'm suspecting you don't.

[Steven1]

Steven1... we have gone through that phase, actually many times trying to reignite the romance... nothing seems to work for my side. For her it does. She finds me very attractive, and I don't think she's just saying it. She wants to be w/ me more than anything which makes me feel lucky as hell... and guilty as hell. The romantic feeling is not mutual and I want it to be, but maybe I'm forcing it. And it's not that I would only settle for the mansion (though that is a good point), it's that I look at her and often find her very "unattractive." I either think I should "settle" - that is accept that this is what it is and learn to accept her looks, or I say, no, this cannot be forced and it's not fair to her - doesn't she deserve to be w/ someone who is fully attracted to her as she is w/ me? I go in circles, and I can't seem to find a solution - intellectually yes, but........

 

 

IF it's becoming that much of an issue for you, and you also feel that it is unfair on her, then it becomes a completely different situation. If it's eaten away at you that much, there is a lot to consider.

 

1 - Would you REALLY be happy without her over what you would be throwing away, for something that you might or might not gain? Remember that there are no guarantees you will find someone you are that attracted to physically...and even if there is, there are no guarantees they will be anything like that mentally.

 

2 - How much do you have to lose between the two of you? Is it worth throwing away what you have together? I do agree that you should never feel as though you are 'settling' which isn't fair on either of you. But I have to ask, although you say she did have more about her when she was younger, I'm going to assume that this feeling you have now probably has just come on over the past year or so.

 

3 - I think looking at it from an outside view as we are, it does just seem as though you have hit a point where you are seeing all these younger, more attractive women around you, and it's hitting you as a regret that you entered this relationship when you did, you said you were both at a time in your lives where all you needed was love. I think if you look at that, it says a lot. If you left her, would you ever find someone that makes as happy as you are? Minus the physical attraction?

 

I would also suggest sex therapy. But I would be very,very careful with that. If you have not told her any of this, it will come as quite a huge shock and will probably hurt her quite a bit. You would have to explain it in a way that would probably not directly say you don't find her attractive but you find many other women around her very attractive.

[stillafool]

Stillafool, she actually has a very nice figure, but I hate to say it, it's her face, bone structure, teeth, wrinkles - when she smiles I sometimes say to myself, poor girl, she's not blessed in that way. I feel bad for saying it, but I'm trying to be brutally honest.

 

Is it something that cosmetic denistry can fix? Also she can get procedures for her wrinkles to smooth out her face.

[xxoo]

This does sound pretty miserable :/ Are you generally a happy, content person? Are you having (have you had) crises of discontent in other aspects of your life? You mention getting together with her when you both were needing love; was that another crisis in your life? Maybe this is about you and not her. Probably this is not something "cured" by a different relationship.

 

I find it curious that you are attracted to women in a specific age range, and not just because I'm in my 40s There are truly gorgeous, sexy women, and plain, unattractive women, of all decades. It seems you have a preconceived idea of what a woman your age looks like. Again, I wonder if this is really about you and your own aging, and less about how attractive women in their 40s are.

 

In sum: look inward. Fix yourself before you involve yourself with another woman.

[RrrrR]

GorillaTheater... that sounds amazing. I'm happy for you and envious. I'm not sure how to ask this, but is your attraction to her love, or are your aesthetically turned on by her looks? I find in general I'm too picky, and this too I wish was different. (In this particular case it's not about being picky, but generally speaking I am and I see it as a problem, just dont know how to change it). Of course I love her, but i'm not sure what "in love" is. It's a feeling I felt at the beginning... does that mean I'm not in love if I don't know? does everyone feel that feeling forever? I think I'm very confused.

[Steven1]

GorillaTheater... that sounds amazing. I'm happy for you and envious. I'm not sure how to ask this, but is your attraction to her love, or are your aesthetically turned on by her looks? I find in general I'm too picky, and this too I wish was different. (In this particular case it's not about being picky, but generally speaking I am and I see it as a problem, just dont know how to change it). Of course I love her, but i'm not sure what "in love" is. It's a feeling I felt at the beginning... does that mean I'm not in love if I don't know? does everyone feel that feeling forever? I think I'm very confused.

 

 

I think many people can think love someone, but not be in 'love' with them if that makes sense. That may be the case for you. While I have no doubt you do care for the woman you are with, and do love her to an extent. It may be the sort of bond/love that you would have for your closest friend.

[RrrrR]

xxoo. you are right, I have a lot of personal things I bring to the table for sure. I have not been generally content, and I have tried to work on this, but come up short. I've been to therapy and read all kinds of books, but I find this huge gap between what I understand w/ my mind and what I feel. That said, my issue w/ "looks" probably is def. influenced by the above, but my feelings regarding looks and age (which I am ashamed is the case) is mostly an aesthetic one. it's not that I believe all girls in that age group are attractive or that all 40 year olds aren't, but in general, I find the same girls attractive that I always have all my life, + all the negative influence of movies and tv and advertising and music - we've been bombarded with this since youth - how does one break out of that conditioning and have a more liberal view of beauty after that image-value has been drilled in? I remember being very intoxicated w/ beautiful women since a very young age, and the standards of beauty were always represented in that age group. I never looked at older women and had crushes (or when I did when I was younger, older was 30s!)...

[RrrrR]

Steven1.. so then what? what do I do? Breakup in the hopes that the next one, "in-love" will not fade? Assuming here is a next one.. I feel sometimes when at my lowest I'll wind up alone. (i've been alone for long stretches and I know it's not good for me mentally and emotionally). Ironically, I'm scared of not finding true love, yet I have it in a way, but for this problem of chemistry/attraction, which I can't seem to get over, because as I said, it's not that she's not "pretty enough", it's that I often find her unattractive.

[Steven1]

I think at the minute until you really come to terms with what you want, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

One part you of no doubt wants to be happy and stay where you are...but I think in a way you are also unhappy with yourself as well as not being attracted to your partner..., maybe doing more to focus on yourself could change that? More Gym classes, more social activities away from the relationship...but not ignoring the relationship.

 

I think the other part of you doesn't really know what you want. While I think you obviously do care for your partner, when the both of you got together it was it was because mutually beneficial to the both of you at that time, and not really because there was any attraction from either side. I think over time she has probably come to find you attractive and love you for who you are, where as you have secured the emotional attention/security that you needed, but you are now starting to regret entering into something that has developed this seriously with someone that you don't find attractive.

 

 

It's really hard to suggest what to do because it is a bit of a superficial problem that sounds as though it's as much in your mind as it is in front of you. You not feeling great about your own looks isn't helping.

[GorillaTheater]

GorillaTheater... that sounds amazing. I'm happy for you and envious. I'm not sure how to ask this, but is your attraction to her love, or are your aesthetically turned on by her looks? I find in general I'm too picky, and this too I wish was different. (In this particular case it's not about being picky, but generally speaking I am and I see it as a problem, just dont know how to change it). Of course I love her, but i'm not sure what "in love" is. It's a feeling I felt at the beginning... does that mean I'm not in love if I don't know? does everyone feel that feeling forever? I think I'm very confused.

 

 

I imagine that it's measures of both, although I can't look at it subjectively enough to give you percentages.

 

 

I do think that love has a way of air-brushing over our partner's imperfections, which is why I doubt your love for your partner. To me, that's a bigger issue than your lack of attraction.

[kztar]

I imagine that it's measures of both, although I can't look at it subjectively enough to give you percentages.

 

 

I do think that love has a way of air-brushing over our partner's imperfections, which is why I doubt your love for your partner. To me, that's a bigger issue than your lack of attraction.

 

I think that with the combination of lack of love and lack of attraction here is the problem.

 

Like Steven said , it looks like you are still figuring out what you really want. When people get into relationships because they want to feel loved it's the BIGGEST mistake on the planet. Usually you get into a relationship with that person who fills that void that you are looking for but in reality, you're not thinking about your own needs and what you like and don't like from the start. That person can fill the void for a little bit but in due time, their imperfections come out and that love is no longer enough.

 

Sounds like you got with this lady, she gave you what you wanted at the time and now you want something different. There is nothing wrong with that but at the same time, as humans I think that when we engage in serious relationships we should look for a partner who has almost EVERYTHING we want to take it to the step of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

In the end people get hurt because one party got into a relationship expecting XYZ, but they knew from day one you could only provide them with ABC, yet they expected that over time that was going to change. This does not happen, people have to offer what they show you in day 1. (real people perhaps). Unfortunately, it does not sound like your relationship was built on a strong foundation based on real love but rather on an illusion of feeling loved.

 

I think you should communicate your feelings with your GF and set her free to someone who thinks she is attractive. This is not going to have a good ending. No physical attraction = NO RELATIONSHIP.

 

Now some people rather have no physical attraction and be with someone who they feel like its more intellectual. I personally can't do a relationship with no physical attraction. Intellectual part, can be fixed from my POV.

 

Anyways good luck op but I think you're better off setting this woman free.

Find yourself someone you are more attracted to. But remember this new person will have flaws as well.

[elaine567]

Is it possible that you are projecting you own dissatisfaction with how you have aged and how you have grown less attractive to younger women, onto her?

Rather than face your own ageing process, you are putting the "blame" onto her.

 

You feel you deserve better and having a youthful beautiful face looking back at you would make you feel a lot happier than having to be constantly reminded of how you have aged too.

Just a thought.

[xxoo]

xxoo. you are right, I have a lot of personal things I bring to the table for sure. I have not been generally content, and I have tried to work on this, but come up short. I've been to therapy and read all kinds of books, but I find this huge gap between what I understand w/ my mind and what I feel. That said, my issue w/ "looks" probably is def. influenced by the above, but my feelings regarding looks and age (which I am ashamed is the case) is mostly an aesthetic one. it's not that I believe all girls in that age group are attractive or that all 40 year olds aren't, but in general, I find the same girls attractive that I always have all my life, + all the negative influence of movies and tv and advertising and music - we've been bombarded with this since youth - how does one break out of that conditioning and have a more liberal view of beauty after that image-value has been drilled in? I remember being very intoxicated w/ beautiful women since a very young age, and the standards of beauty were always represented in that age group. I never looked at older women and had crushes (or when I did when I was younger, older was 30s!)...

 

Ok, but the women you were attracted to in your 20s have gotten older. Are you still attracted to them?

 

Aren't there any women that you've known for 20 years, who were hot then and are hot now? If not, what about in Hollywood? My husband is about your age and is still attracted to the same actresses that he was when he was younger--but they (husband and actresses) are obviously all older now! He's crazy about Robin Wright in House of Cards.

 

I see 3 big problems for you:

 

--any woman you are attracted to now will potentially be unattractive to you in 5-10 years when they "age out" of your attraction window

 

--you haven't said much about your own appearance, but you may not actually be attractive to the women you are attracted to

 

--even if you attracted a beautiful, young woman, it likely would not solve your issues and create feelings of contentment. The issue is not women, but you.

[66Charger]

You are fooling this woman. This relationship should end and the sooner the better. All the look in the mirror, self help, projection stuff is just hogwash. You have been clear that you find her unattractive. We like what we like, what we like and no one can alter that. Example - You can't force gay to be straight. You will only end up lying to yourself and wasting more of this beautiful womans time.

 

Yes, without knowing her, I can call her beautiful, and regardless of what your opinion is of her, there may be a thousand guys within driving distance that would readily think the same.

 

A question for you. If she could read this thread and know your innermost thoughts, would she stay with you? Dont do this to her. It isnt right and you know it. You love your Mom, you love your dog, but you are not in love with either. There is no difference here. She is a good person and you probaly are too. There is no wrong in this. What is wrong is living a lie and being dishonest to her and wasting her time.

 

Dont fake it. Let this one go. Truly wish her well

Edited March 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[stillafool]

xxoo. you are right, I have a lot of personal things I bring to the table for sure. I have not been generally content, and I have tried to work on this, but come up short. I've been to therapy and read all kinds of books, but I find this huge gap between what I understand w/ my mind and what I feel. That said, my issue w/ "looks" probably is def. influenced by the above, but my feelings regarding looks and age (which I am ashamed is the case) is mostly an aesthetic one. it's not that I believe all girls in that age group are attractive or that all 40 year olds aren't, but in general, I find the same girls attractive that I always have all my life, + all the negative influence of movies and tv and advertising and music - we've been bombarded with this since youth - how does one break out of that conditioning and have a more liberal view of beauty after that image-value has been drilled in? I remember being very intoxicated w/ beautiful women since a very young age, and the standards of beauty were always represented in that age group. I never looked at older women and had crushes (or when I did when I was younger, older was 30s!)...

 

Hugh Hefner has the same problem it's just that he has the money to buy the young girls. I think you should break up with this woman because every year she is going to get older and what will you do when she hits her 50's and 60's? Let her go because a pretty, youthful face is more important to you than what your woman is currently offering.

[stillafool]

Steven1.. so then what? what do I do? Breakup in the hopes that the next one, "in-love" will not fade? Assuming here is a next one.. I feel sometimes when at my lowest I'll wind up alone. (i've been alone for long stretches and I know it's not good for me mentally and emotionally). Ironically, I'm scared of not finding true love, yet I have it in a way, but for this problem of chemistry/attraction, which I can't seem to get over, because as I said, it's not that she's not "pretty enough", it's that I often find her unattractive.

 

Yes, break up and find the love of your life who you are attracted to. Do you think it is fair to stay with this woman when you find her unattractive? How is this good for her? You both need to be free so she can be with a man who finds her sexy and attractive and you need to be with a woman you find sexy and attractive. Don't just use her so you don't "wind up being alone" as you can get a dog for that.

[MightyPen]

OP, I think you bring up a good point.

 

The way you've described her, there's not much that's going to make her less unattractive to you. Heck, even when she was younger, other than having a "youthful quality," you say you weren't really attracted to her.

 

I'd suggest jumping off the bus if you aren't attracted to her. Yeah that's going to be damn hard to explain ("I'm not really attracted to you...never was" is pretty rough) but it's better than being with her under false pretenses.

 

And I do wonder if older people are TRULY attracted to other older people. And I'm not talking about people being in love or whatever...I'm talking about whether they truly think other older people are hot or sexy. Because...ewww.

 

Men are accustomed to looking at younger women and associating youth with fertility and desirability, so I think it's probably a bit harder for men to view older women as truly sexy, but I can only speak for myself. Some women seem to truly find older men very sexy, so it's a bit unbalanced here.

 

The idea of banging a 70-year-old (even when I'm 70 myself) makes me cringe.Maybe it would make the woman cringe too. We could play Rummy instead.

[Steven1]

And I do wonder if older people are TRULY attracted to other older people. And I'm not talking about people being in love or whatever...I'm talking about whether they truly think other older people are hot or sexy. Because...ewww

 

 

At my old job there was a guy there who was probably in his late 40's,early 50's, and he wouldn't date anyone younger than early 70's. Older they were to him the better as he put it.

 

I think in general minus the one's that really you do just hear about on or see on T.V, once you both hit a certain, sex just becomes something that you used to enjoy and not something that the relationship requires anymore.

 

Think by the time you are pushing 70 you are content to lie in bed and read a book with someone next to you lol

[MightyPen]

Haha well I do enjoy a good book!

[mightycpa]

Do you love her? I'm suspecting you don't.

That's exactly what I was going to say. If you met some 30 year old hottie who couldn't keep her hands off you and ****ed like a porn star, you'd drop this woman in a New York minute and never look back, wouldn't you? I think so.

[RrrrR]

That's exactly what I was going to say. If you met some 30 year old hottie who couldn't keep her hands off you and ****ed like a porn star, you'd drop this woman in a New York minute and never look back, wouldn't you? I think so.

 

but that is not love either...