UPDATE on 7 Year Relationship Break Up [wanting to regain the 'spark']

[Steven1]

I thought this might be the best place to ask this in as I'm still pretty confused at the minute and trying to gather advice on the subject.

 

I won't go into huge detail on the past but more recently. Ok so about 8 weeks ago me and my girlfriend of 7 years broke up. We started out long distance (her in Canada me in the UK). We met several times before she came to the UK last year to start University. At the start of Uni she said to me that she didn't think it would work with her as she was going to be busier than she thought, but after her first week of Freshers (parties etc) she dropped the comment of (can't exactly remember word for word) "We've been together so long and we've never been with anyone else" I knew then that her head had been turned by all the men around her etc and a new environment completely.

 

We worked through this and actually had some of the best times ever after it. About 2 weeks before Valentines day this year she randomly texted me (I suspected before this something was wrong, she was VERY quiet for a good week or so, but she was also very busy with essays etc) She texting saying she didn't think she wanted a relationship anymore and didn't want anything romantic or anything with anyone.

 

8 weeks inbetween we have no contact from then until yesterday and today. She texted me yesterday to say hello and to apologize for what she had done and for hurting me and that it was never her intention to do so in the way that she did.

 

Today we texted quite a bit and I asked her what the reasons were for ending it. She said after 7 years together she seen me as more of a 'well bonded friend' and she took the blame for that for pushing me away for a while. She said she never cheated during the relationship and I trust her on that, but she never confirmed or denied what happened during the 8 weeks with anyone and she said that there is a high possibility in the near future she will get with someone. I suspected at the time she liked someone else. I reminded her what she said about the no romance or anything and she said she knows she said that but things/people turn up and she has no control over that (basically the no romance in my mind was aimed at me and not anyone else).

 

She said she doesn't think we will get back together short term but isn't sure long term, and she's suggested before she wants to see what it is like with other people etc whether that is for right or wrong (obviously it's killing me to even contemplate that).

 

Does it sound as though she just wants to experience being with someone else since we were an item through all of her teen years just about? Before deciding to see if she made a mistake on ending what we had. Like I said she's sort of suggested at the start of University that it may be best to end it so she could just feel what it is like with someone else , and I suspect she is doing this but I don't know if she is doing this to see if she is making the right decision on us or not., She's already told me she knows she will never develop the same sort of trust and bond with anyone else as she did with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have to keep in mind that she's very young. She has a lot of maturing yet to do, and she's not approaching this the way someone much older than her would. She isn't finished "growing up" yet and likely won't really be ready to settle down into a committed relationship for quite some time. It's not pleasant to hear, but it's also pretty normal at her age. Add to that the fact that you two were on different continents for a long time and comparatively hadn't spent a lot of time together in person, in addition to not having had experience with other people, and the outcome was rather inevitable, I think.

 

For now, your best bet to cut as many ties as possible with her. Don't go to her parents for input or insight about her. It's not their business, really. You need to put some distance there altogether. I know you want to help them with their move, but honestly, they can surely find assistance through other means. Staying in touch with them will hinder your healing. I too have been close to different exes' families, but there comes a point when you need to take space so as to move on.

 

You need to focus on your own healing now. I can promise you that you will meet other women who outshine this girl. Not that she's a bad person, not at all. But she isn't the "be-all, end-all" of girlfriends either.

Edited March 26, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[preraph]

She needs to date around and see what all is out there. It's normal. She also probably needs to be just on her own and self-sufficient to find her own identity fully and become confident she can do it. She is maturing and changing. You will too if you let her go and take this time to explore as well. Then who knows, once you are both out there for awhile, she might come around again, but you can't count on it. Do not wait.

[GoodOnPaper]

She's already told me she knows she will never develop the same sort of trust and bond with anyone else as she did with me.

 

Yet she wants to walk out on your LTR to get with these guys for whom she will not feel the same level of trust and bonding with . . . give me a break.

 

Sorry you have to go through this - I went through this sort of thing with a GF in college and it was gutwrenching for me. I suspect that she has no intention of getting back with you, short or long term. If my experience is any guide, her throwing out these threads of hope is probably her way of making herself feel less guilty - remember, she has no experience breaking up with someone.

 

Sadly, what it comes down to is that the late teens/early 20's is the kid-in-a-candy-store dating era for most girls. Fewer guys have the opportunity to approach dating this way at that age. Do you want to sow your own oats in that way? If not, or if you don't have the opportunity, would you want to get back together with her after she has sown hers? The experience imbalance being front and center like that could very well alter your attitude about the relationship.

[Steven1]

I think an issue to the relationship as such was, when we were dating for the first 5 or so years even, she never really went out or did anything social and a lot of her and my attention were focused purely on each other and the relationship. I think that since she's come to Uni it's opened up her eyes to something different that she may never have thought was out there for her as such.

 

I think in a way I always know deep down I would take her back, like I said I told her I appreciate her honesty about the situation, I'm 24 now so for my late teen years and obviously even up until a few month ago my life was with her, but I thought that that was going to be it exactly, we were planning on moving in together next year etc and I know myself all to well that I won't be able to fully commit to another relationship with anyone else as I did with her, I just couldn't love anyone else the same or put the same work and trust into it.

[Jabron1]

Sadly, what it comes down to is that the late teens/early 20's is the kid-in-a-candy-store dating era for most girls. Fewer guys have the opportunity to approach dating this way at that age. Do you want to sow your own oats in that way? If not, or if you don't have the opportunity, would you want to get back together with her after she has sown hers? The experience imbalance being front and center like that could very well alter your attitude about the relationship.

 

This.

 

She is dumping you, and going out to shag around. She wants to keep you as an option for the future - just in case. When/if she comes back from her jaunt, she won't even be the same person anyway.

 

How have you not lost all respect for her?

 

Either tell her to stick it, or demote her to 'friends with benefits', and get on with your life.

[Steven1]

I wouldn't say I lost any respect for her as I would rather she did dump me before doing what she may do obviously rather than have it the other way around which happens. I told her though that I thought she was changing quite a bit which has happened as she got more into Uni and became more involved with a group of friends etc and going out more.

[Steven1]

We went through to much prior to this for me to ever think bad of her tbh. If she had said she had cheated on me then that would have been different, but she didn't, and if anything I respect her for at least being honest with me which is all I could ask for really at the least.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey there, OP. I responded in a couple of your other threads too.

 

You need to be more patient with yourself. it's only been eight weeks, but I promise it does get easier. It hurts more because you have nothing to compare it to yet. But someday, you will feel more prepared to start meeting other people.

 

Don't put any pressure on yourself to start thinking about dating other girls yet. You need more time to heal and that's perfectly okay. Set some new goals for yourself and take baby steps to occupying your time with other friends and interests.

 

Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

[Steven1]

Hey and Yeah I know I appreciate the advice, thanks for the other replies

 

I'm 24. I know it might get easier eventually, as you probably read from me though I think it's a case of I've been through so much with one person for so long that at my age it's just a lot of trust,work etc to have to put into someone else who I know I will never be fully committed to (not in a I would cheat way) just that I could never be emotionally involved as much or give as much to the relationship as I did with this one.

[Jabron1]

I'm just being straight with you, mate.

 

She is taking the complete piss, and I think you need to work on your self-esteem.

 

Seriously, a girl dumps you and tells you she's playing the field. Then tells you she might be back later. And you 'appreciate her honesty'?

 

You are too nice for your own good.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey and Yeah I know I appreciate the advice, thanks for the other replies

 

I'm 24. I know it might get easier eventually, as you probably read from me though I think it's a case of I've been through so much with one person for so long that at my age it's just a lot of trust,work etc to have to put into someone else who I know I will never be fully committed to (not in a I would cheat way) just that I could never be emotionally involved as much or give as much to the relationship as I did with this one.

 

No, you don't know that. You can't predict the future, and at the moment, you're engaging in some very limiting self-talk. I don't say that to be harsh, but you have no idea who might walk into your life and how much you will change. You are still young yourself, still evolving. Convincing yourself you'll never be able to experience another relationship like this is simply fatalistic and self-defeating. And, frankly, a bit narrow.

 

Don't limit yourself so much. It sounds like you attached too much of your identity and self-worth to this relationship, which tends to happen with young love. We get all wrapped up in the excitement and good feelings, but often neglect to maintain our own lives too. So when one partner ends the relationship, we have no idea who we are anymore. Many of us have been there; I have, too. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is work on your self-esteem, as another poster suggested.

 

What are your hobbies and interests? How often do you see friends? What do you want for yourself in the next 5 or 10 years?

[Steven1]

I think it's hit me as hard as it has because we made our relationship work through much worse and the distance etc, and for it to end when she got here when we were finally able to go out regularly etc has come quite hard.

 

I probably am limiting myself I would agree with you there, but I think from my view is that with me being 24 as I said and the plans we had as little as 2/3 months ago to move in with each other and so on, I had started a savings account for a house etc and we had holidays booked, it's like having to reset everything back to the beginning and I think especially now but even down the road it's a lot to have to emotionally invest again since you yourself too know how much it hurts, it's a lot to have to put back.

 

At the minute I don't see friends outside of work, sadly most of us have our own lives and very few people from work etc actually see each other outside of work as they have girlfriends/families etc and often do their own thing. I've never been the very social type (i have no problem around people etc I just hate doing things by myself) this was something that I was improving on going out to places etc on a regular basis with my ex.

 

As for the future I really don't know. When I was 15/16 I had my Army medical and referred due to injury on the medical and I think that is something I may go back to, but I don't know if this is something that is just coming back to me as an option to get away from everything and go down a path that is pretty notorious as far as relationships go.

[ExpatInItaly]

24 is still young. You have a lot of time to meet a great match for you. I know it's not easy to believe that now, but I have had to reset my life a couple times when I was older than 24. I have changed so much since I was your age, and honestly? The boyfriend I had then would be all wrong for me today.

 

I think you two unfortunately made too many life plans when you hadn't spent much time together in person. If I understand correctly, most of this relationship was long-distance. Spending a few months together in person isn't enough time to be thinking about buying a house together, etc - especially for her, considering her very young age and lack of life experience. It's not the right time for her to settle down.

 

As others have said, don't wait around for her. You two might reconnect someday but please don't assume that's a given. Plenty of others have been in your position, even far worse. And many can and do find love again. You need to believe you will too.

[Steven1]

We spent about 6 months living together in Canada and then another good 4/5 months here together. But the rest was long distance, but I think I felt that the long distance we got to know each other so well personally that it was going to be something that would last you know?

 

The moving in together thing was something we had talked about for a while. She is moving in with friends next year and then the year after we had talked about getting our own place as I very much enjoy the town she goes to Uni in and would have loved to have moved down there so it made sense for both of us at the time.

[mightycpa]

I thought I'd just chime in and give you the benefit of my observations. I've read pretty much the whole thing.

Sadly, what it comes down to is that the late teens/early 20's is the kid-in-a-candy-store dating era for most girls. Fewer guys have the opportunity to approach dating this way at that age. Do you want to sow your own oats in that way? If not, or if you don't have the opportunity, would you want to get back together with her after she has sown hers? The experience imbalance being front and center like that could very well alter your attitude about the relationship.

This.

 

She is dumping you, and going out to shag around.

So far, so good.

She wants to keep you as an option for the future - just in case. When/if she comes back from her jaunt, she won't even be the same person anyway.

I don't think so. I think in her heart of hearts, she knows that she will never get back with you, but that's a pretty harsh thing to say to someone who is in pain, who you've been with for 7 years, and for whom you bear no ill will. I think she's hoping that you'll begin to read between the lines, and figure it out on your own. This is not stringing you along for selfishness' sake, this is stringing you along because of cowardice. There is no obligation on her part to follow through on this platitude.

 

You are a victim of your own false hope. For example:

I told her that if she had told me this before we broke up that we could have went back on a first date sort of thing to see if it had rekindled any feelings for her towards me, and she never answered back to it as such so I don't know if she is reconsidering.

I do. She's not. She doesn't know how to respond to you, but say that out loud the way you said it to her, and imagine someone rolling their eyes, lamenting to themselves that you just didn't get it. That was the silence you heard.

 

There's something else too. You're very focused on whether or not she's been with anybody sexually, and you're pretty much resigned to the fact that she will be sooner rather than later. You also seem to appreciate very much that as far as you can tell, ended the romantic relationship before she started having sex with guys. I understand why this consumes your attention, but her having sex is the least of your concerns. Her willingness to entertain the idea should tell you enough. What frame of mind would you have to be in to tell her that your 7 year relationship is over for now, maybe forever, and while you're not banging anybody at the moment, chances are that you will. Seriously, what would your heart have to be feeling to have said those words to her? Think about it. Her love is gone. That is the real problem, and it is a problem beyond your control and beyond hers. Just like you can't turn it off, she can't turn it back on.

 

The only question you really need to ask yourself and wonder about now is how long it will take you to accept the new reality. Will it be today? Tomorrow? A week? A month? Longer? It's over, my friend. Once you acknowledge this, you can begin the long process of feeling normal again. But until then, you're going to spend a lot of time doing a lot of worrying about something that is really nothing.

 

I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know. So do a lot of the people who have been corresponding with you. It's obvious to us, because we've been there. We know the signposts and the lay of the land. You're been initiated into the club, and from now until you get to where we are, it's hell week every day.

 

Our advice is universal and consistent. Put her behind you. Don't spy and stalk. Cut off contact from her, and don't allow her to contact you. Explain to her parents that you have to disappear, then disappear. You don't have to explain anything to her, even though you'll want to. She may not like it, but that's too bad. You don't like it either, but it's necessary.

 

That's how you get started. Then, you walk through the fire. There's no other way. Sorry this happened to you, but there was nothing that either of you could do about it. This is something that comes with your age, like a rite of passage. It's pretty universal.

[Steven1]

Thanks for the advice so far guys, really just having someone listen has helped.

 

 

We were texting again yesterday (not to much, just about 3/4 texts both ways).

 

We got into it a bit more about what happened and the reasons behind it etc. She said that coming to Uni here was a big change for her, not having her family around, new environment, new country etc. She said from then it just felt as though pretty much that all these things were happening at once that she started to see me more as her best friend etc and that her romantic feelings for me weren't as strong as they used to be.

 

We talked about that and I think she agreed as well that if she had talked about it sooner that maybe we would have went on a break and it could have cleared it up a bit more, I think she felt under pressure for it to work between us, rather than just let it work if that makes sense? Of course they inevitable question of the future came up at some point with me saying more or less that I was sorry if I made it feel as thought I was forcing the relationship upon her, she said it was never like that at all and she said she knew where I was coming from regarding the future and that she would like to see each other again soon, but for the time being that both myself and her still need some space/NC for a while.

[Steven1]

First of all I just want to thank all of you who answered my previous questions on my relationship breaking up, all the advice and just the fact you all took the time to read it was greatly appreciated.

 

 

I was having a conversation with some of my friends today about it, who shared their experiences and experiences of people they know etc. And it did get me thinking in a way about my own relationship. As I touched on she did change me as a person (very much for the better) she got me looking a lot better, smarter, more presentable etc. I was always a bit self conscious on my looks and I think that is something I could have worked on, which I am now with the Gym being a daily thing. So I take care of myself a lot better.

 

Anyway, two of my friends had their own experiences which got me onto this subject of regaining the 'spark'. One of my friends was in a relationship for 3 years, they both went to Uni and ended up breaking up during the first month, they both dated other people in that time, but at the end of Uni they got back together as they both changed and got things out of the way that they felt they had to. They are now happily married with kids.

 

Another one was similar, they had been together 5 years since high school, the girlfriend went to Uni where as he was working, again they broke up during the first week of her being at Uni, they both dated other people but after about 6/7 months they met up as friends, and they realized that they threw what they had away over nothing, again got happily married with kids..

 

If I was to look at it from the standpoint of , If I continue to work to better myself, become fitter at the Gym, different hair style etc pretty much just a much better, more confident self, do you think there is any possibility that the relationship could regain that spark once we met again and she perhaps seen how more confident I was etc? As I said for it being a no lose situation, worst case scenario is that I do better myself a long the way, with the best case scenario being that we got back together.

 

I know it's a long shot, but looking at it from that view point, do you think it is possible to bring new life into a relationship?

[Blanco]

Your girl didn't lose interest because she didn't like your hair.

 

By all means, do some work of superficial self-improvement, but don't think the work begins and ends there. All too often people think that improving themselves after a breakup is limited to making themselves look better. They disregard all of the stuff beneath the surface that was almost always much bigger factors in the relationship failing.

[Steven1]

Your girl didn't lose interest because she didn't like your hair.

 

By all means, do some work of superficial self-improvement, but don't think the work begins and ends there. All too often people think that improving themselves after a breakup is limited to making themselves look better. They disregard all of the stuff beneath the surface that was almost always much bigger factors in the relationship failing.

 

 

Meh the hair needs a change anwyay lol.

 

But no I know, but I think what she was trying to touch on that that maybe I became comfortable and didn't see the need for anything to change such as not wanting to go out clubbing with her that often (which was because of my own self issues etc)

 

I think if I did change some basic things about myself, it might bring something back for her, but at least if it doesn't, I will have hopefully have changed a long the way enough to be able to move on.

[A Chap]

Hi Steven,

 

First post here but i have read these forums before for reasons we are all familiar with

 

Now lots of people will already tell you (because they're right), that any changes/personal growth will become something that is honestly for yourself, as opposed to the little white-lie we sometimes tell ourselves in the post break-up recoil.

 

A funny thing will happen in the next part of your life while you're there looking to rekindle a spark or become a better man; Everything will actually become less about her and actually about you primarily. You won't need any validation, you won't need to "win her back" because your whole perspective will balance itself out.

 

As you grow as a person naturally, you might very well grow into someone who feels she isn't right for the person you are. It's not a negative thing , it's just both your lives will change to a point where you're two very different people from the days when there was that initial spark.

 

-

 

It's also not impossible that you do reunite in the right way, where feelings from both sides have matured and you understand you actually do work as a couple...But you can never cling to this goal as it will waste so much time and opportunity for other friendships and relationships to blossom if you do.

 

Give it time and let your own life develop as it should. Make enough of your own happiness and someone will come along to share it in time. Probably when you weren't even offering

[Steven1]

I have suffered with some very bad depression over the years and I've often had thoughts of self harming that I can't control (I haven't self harmed yet it's just the thoughts get to me a lot)

 

Recently my relationship of 7 years ended and we were speaking tonight after no contract for a while, I asked if she wanted to go for a coffee when she finished her exams, (we've been broken up about 8 weeks). and she said to me she's not sure as it's very likely she will have somebody by then, that's she's been speaking to someone and she thinks she will date him, but that nothing has happened yet.

 

This has hit me incredibly hard that I just broke down into tears and i really don't know what to do. I poured my heart out to her and told her how I felt about us and that I thought things might work out as we had no definite closure on the matter, I told her I'd always love her and I'm sorry I couldn't offer her the relationship that she wanted and I would be happy for her.

 

But I just don't have the strength anymore. I try so hard to help everyone in every day life when I can, and I do believe I'm a good person but all of this stuff keeps happening to me as though I'm being punished for being to nice and I just don't know If I can take this anymore, another morning of waking up know she will be with somebody else, knowing I'll never be back with her, the pain just gets to much to the point where I feel physically sick, I've started to have nose bleeds with the stress being brought on.

[Rachel39]

Steven don't you dare crumble now !! You have been such. Tower of strength for me even though I don't know you.

 

Just like me you have been holding on in the hope that you will get back together and what she has told you has just taken that away.

 

I do not want to be disrespectful towards her as I know you love her but she sounds very young selfish and has no filter ! I feel so angry at her and I don't know her because she has given you false hope and now says this.

 

You sound such an amazing guy and some girl/woman is going to be so lucky to have you don't you dare think any differently. Why she felt the need to contact you after all this time to tell you that is unthinkable.

[Satu]

I understand how you feel because I've been there.

 

It's a bad place.

 

You're not 'too nice,' you're a good person.

 

There's a big difference.

 

You want harmony; with everyone feeling appreciated, loved, secure.

 

Some people don't get that.

 

As long as they feel good, everything is fine.

 

You know how good things could be.

 

But lots of people don't get that.

 

In the fulness of time, you will meet the woman who gets it.

 

That comes after your time of healing, which has already begun, which has brought progress already.

 

 

Back to basics:

 

 

Eat something

 

Drink some water

 

Get out of the house for a ten minute walk

 

Do some gentle stretching

 

Do some breathing - prolong the out breath

 

Get some sleep

 

Tomorrow is another day, and probably a better one.

 

 

You'll be OK.

[Steven1]

It's just all built up to this. She told me that nothing has happened and that she's only spoke to him a few times but I suspected a while ago that before we split that she's been influenced by something/someone and I think this was it. It just gets to me as she knows what this is doing to me and even still I know that she isn't intentionally doing it, I just don't understand how everything I've known for the past 7 years and how someone I thought I knew so well could change like this so quickly and already move on, moved on in 8 weeks out of 7 years and I couldn't even talk to another woman yet let alone contemplate doing anything, never mind saying that there's a good chance something will happen