Second chance with a guy I casually dated who didn't want to commit the first time

February 17, 2016

Ok since you kind of refuse to give up on him, I'm going to throw this out there like a Hail Mary.

You say he treats you really well. But do you treat him equally as well? What do you do to show him you appreciate him? What do you do to convey to him how much you like him? Have you done anything thoughtful for him? Maybe you just haven't shown him that you're girlfriend material.

So far, I've made an effort to plan dates to spend time with him. I also offer to pay about half of the dates and I call or text him to wish him luck before his exams. I haven't done anything much more to show my interest since I'm trying to mirror his level of interest towards me. I've told him I like him a lot and I want to pursue a relationship with him though so he knows I'm into him.

February 17, 2016

It depends.

I can only be happy in the kind of relationships where the guy falls head over heels for me.

I don't enjoy dating for 2 or 2 or 4 months without being in love by that stage and on a real euphoric high where both of us just can't keep our hands off each other.

If you are comfortable with a man who will never be smitten or enamoured by you then go ahead and gjve him a chance. ..

Because if after 4 months a guy still isn't in love or feeling strongly about by then, he NEVER WILL.

At best, men can grow to love someone greatly that they skipped the infatuation period with and who isn't the love of their lives.

Worst case scenario? The man will sette for the girl he grew to love without the spark abd one day meets the girl that he's actually crazy about and who he actually falls hard for. Most men end up dumping the girl they didn't fall hard for for the girl that made them weak in the knees.

February 17, 2016

Bail out, there's nothing there. I'm just thinking from my own actions as a guy. I would never date a girl for 4 months without either having sex or asking to be official. There's just something really wrong with the whole scenario. 4 months is too long.

February 17, 2016

You can likely have a comfortable relationship with a guy like that. Most couples have 1 of the two if not both parties who didn't feel very strongly about the other partner at first snd grew into them slowly.

Women have the ability to do this more often than men.

Women can grow to love a man she didn't fall hard for and experience infatuation with.

Men rarely can suddenly become head over heels if they weren't at the start. But not all men need to feel magnetic chemistry or enamoured and feel a strong honeymoon phase. Many men value compatability and don't need much chemistry at first and are happy to let someone grow in them.

Do you really want to be that girl that your partner had to very slowly warm up to?

Wouldn't you feel innately afraid of him meeting women that did make his heart race and his feelings explode? It tends to happen fast when there are sparks which he quite clearly didn't feel for you.

February 17, 2016

So far, I've made an effort to plan dates to spend time with him. I also offer to pay about half of the dates and I call or text him to wish him luck before his exams. I haven't done anything much more to show my interest since I'm trying to mirror his level of interest towards me. I've told him I like him a lot and I want to pursue a relationship with him though so he knows I'm into him.

If you really, really like him and can't make the decision to end it, you can set an internal clock for yourself -- say another month, two tops, to continue to observe and let it play out a little longer. But stick to your timeline. At the end of the time you've decided to give it, you address it one more time and then move on if he's still waffling.

And, in the meantime, pull back a little. Create some tension and see if he picks up the slack. Don't initiate as much. Be receptive and responsive, sit back a little. Kinda hit the reset button. This is an early dating scenario really, it's not about playing games, it's simply reinforcing your stance about what you are looking for for yourself. If you keep it status quo after you've told him what you are wanting, you won't be sending a clear message to him. "Oh, she said she wants more, but she's still giving me what I want or like, etc, so she's not serious". He now has a head up, knows what you want and if he steps it up, great. If not, move on.

February 17, 2016

So far, I've made an effort to plan dates to spend time with him. I also offer to pay about half of the dates and I call or text him to wish him luck before his exams. I haven't done anything much more to show my interest since I'm trying to mirror his level of interest towards me. I've told him I like him a lot and I want to pursue a relationship with him though so he knows I'm into him.

Mirroring his level of interest isn't going to work with this guy. Move on. Unless you want to really make an effort to pursue him hard. Even then, I have doubts that that will accomplish anything.

February 17, 2016

Time to move on! Four months into dating and he's still waiting for his feelings to grow/develop = not really interested.

Sticking around another couple of months isn't going to get him any more interested, but you will definitely be more emotionally invested then. It's a losing proposition of pure torture. Pull the plug now so that you can start to focus on finding someone who is excited about being in a relationship with you.

February 17, 2016

It depends. If he is the type for whom love grows over time, give him some more time because he seems to think things are going in the right direction. I'm a chemistry person; I feel things quickly & while love deepens over time, for me the spark was always there from the beginning or it never developed. If that has been his experience to date, more time won't help your situation.

Give him some credit for being honest & give yourself credit for picking a quality man, who is honest even when that isn't what you wanted to hear.

February 17, 2016

Should I wait for his feelings for me to grow?
I've been dating a guy who goes to a nearby college for the past 4 months. We're both inexperienced in dating but we have had a great time together. He's only had 2 short-term relationships while I haven't dated anyone before so going into this, we were taking things slowly. He'd text/call me about once a day and we go on dates about once a week. I've started falling for him even though we haven't had sex yet. He hadn't pushed for it either since he told me he'd only sleep with girls once he's in a committed relationship with them. Over the past Valentine's day weekend, I broached the topic of becoming official and he was honest and told me that his feeling isn't that strong for me yet. He's attracted to me and wants to keep going. I was very hurt and disappointed because I wanted us to become more committed to each other and I'm falling for him. So we decided to end things in order to avoid further heartaches.
I miss him so much and I keep wondering if I should have given him more time and keep spending time with him. I know that if I reach out to him now, he'd come back to me but the question is, should I? After 4 months, does it seem like he's leading me on or waiting for his feelings to develop?

Years ago upon meeting who would be my first wife, I did not fall head over heels for her.

Upon meeting who would be wife #2 did not fall hear over heels for her either.

I did grow to love both, I did absolutely know I wanted to be with both long term. Both attractive and fun, smart.

I read long ago that we change every 10 years or so.

I would not date wife #1 under any circumstances today.

I screwed up and did not work on marriage enough to stay with wife #2 because I changed greatly, she would not be with the “me” of today.

Most reasonable guys absolutely know whether or not the woman we are with is “long term potential.”

Bottom line you just might not have been simply be the woman he wanted to marry (not saying you are) have kids with, buy a home, build a future with today. But 20 years later (if Facebook is still around) he contacts you and you are the perfect person at that particular time.

To those we meet we might not be the right person at this particular point in time… the old people come into your life for a reason… for a season… for a lifetime…

February 17, 2016

I've been dating a guy who goes to a nearby college for the past 4 months. We're both inexperienced in dating but we have had a great time together. He's only had 2 short-term relationships while I haven't dated anyone before so going into this, we were taking things slowly. He'd text/call me about once a day and we go on dates about once a week. I've started falling for him even though we haven't had sex yet. He hadn't pushed for it either since he told me he'd only sleep with girls once he's in a committed relationship with them. Over the past Valentine's day weekend, I broached the topic of becoming official and he was honest and told me that his feeling isn't that strong for me yet. He's attracted to me and wants to keep going. I was very hurt and disappointed because I wanted us to become more committed to each other and I'm falling for him. So we decided to end things in order to avoid further heartaches.

I miss him so much and I keep wondering if I should have given him more time and keep spending time with him. I know that if I reach out to him now, he'd come back to me but the question is, should I? After 4 months, does it seem like he's leading me on or waiting for his feelings to develop?

No. Let things how they are. Four months is a considerable time. He denied you sex and love, how much more can you tolerate? He's not the guy for you, try to get over him. You'll find a guy that will treat you like a woman, he'll make love to you, and will respect you. This is not the guy. I'm sorry you wasted four months.

February 17, 2016

How long did it take him to develop strong feelings for his ex?

My concern is that this relationship never escalated. You always had that 1 date a week for 4 months. Which means you've only spent time with him around a dozen time. One date a week is ok for the first month then after that it should be twice a week or more. If he never tried to see you more than once a week then I'd say he was just going through the motion and was never really into you.

Don't call him back. There are plenty of guys for you to date. It's more fun to date someone when you feel you are growing together toward something than to date a guy that keeps the status quo between you 2.

February 17, 2016

IMO what he told you is a fail. You are wasting your time investing your feelings. Here's a tip....a relationship has promise when you both have the same level of attraction, and desire. In this case there isn't so you should just move on.

February 17, 2016

What I don't understand is that he tells me he likes me and that he sees a potential for us to be together long term. He also said I'm the only girl he's seeing. Yet, he doesn't seem to want to progress things further and seems to be content with seeing me once a week. Although when we're on dates he treats me well and always offer a ride and pay. I've initiated seeing each other more often and he's receptive but still only meet at his convenience. He also hasn't introduced me to his friends. I know the majority of you say I shouldn't reach out and just let him go. Is it worth it to say "hey I miss you and I'm wondering if you have thought about us and wanna try to progress things forward?" or would that sound too desperate? I don't think I wanna go back to the stagnant pace and I don't wanna be friends either

February 17, 2016

Since he's still in college, I presume he's what - 19-23?

What 19-23 year old man does not want sex in four months?

Something's not jiving here.

Either he's screwing another girl (doubtful) or he's sexually ambivalent or gay.

That's my best guess anyway FWIW.

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

February 17, 2016

. Is it worth it to say "hey I miss you and I'm wondering if you have thought about us and wanna try to progress things forward?" or would that sound too desperate?

I think he already said no to that.

So what do you know about his exs? how long it took for him to make it official? why did they break up? you may find some answers there.

February 17, 2016

What I don't understand is that he tells me he likes me and that he sees a potential for us to be together long term. He also said I'm the only girl he's seeing. Yet, he doesn't seem to want to progress things further and seems to be content with seeing me once a week. Although when we're on dates he treats me well and always offer a ride and pay. I've initiated seeing each other more often and he's receptive but still only meet at his convenience. He also hasn't introduced me to his friends. I know the majority of you say I shouldn't reach out and just let him go. Is it worth it to say "hey I miss you and I'm wondering if you have thought about us and wanna try to progress things forward?" or would that sound too desperate? I don't think I wanna go back to the stagnant pace and I don't wanna be friends either

You just had this conversation with him less than a week ago. What makes you think a few days later will cause him to change his mind? He's just not that into you. Asking him to be more into you isn't going to work. Think about that.

February 17, 2016

I think he told me relationship with his exes ended because they were too clingy and wanted to see him a lot. He was moving slowly in terms of physical contacts with them as well. He didn't bring any of them home to see his parents because neither of them stayed with him for much longer than a 4-6 months. So should I try to text him that and see if he's been thinking about me and wanting to progress things? I haven't talked to him in over a week since the breakup

February 17, 2016

I think he told me relationship with his exes ended because they were too clingy and wanted to see him a lot. He was moving slowly in terms of physical contacts with them as well. He didn't bring any of them home to see his parents because neither of them stayed with him for much longer than a 4-6 months. So should I try to text him that and see if he's been thinking about me and wanting to progress things? I haven't talked to him in over a week since the breakup

He's a young man, in his early 20s - peaking sexually.

Again, something isn't jiving here.

February 17, 2016

I think he told me relationship with his exes ended because they were too clingy and wanted to see him a lot. He was moving slowly in terms of physical contacts with them as well. He didn't bring any of them home to see his parents because neither of them stayed with him for much longer than a 4-6 months. So should I try to text him that and see if he's been thinking about me and wanting to progress things? I haven't talked to him in over a week since the breakup

Best case scenario, he says yes and tells you he agrees to be in a relationship with you. But his actions won't back that up. He'll continue to see you once a week. Until you bring up wanting to see him more. Then you'll ask him why haven't you introduced me to friends and parents. Then it will be another issue. At some point, I suspect he'll think that's enough and break up. Again, I repeat. He's just not that into you. Asking him to be more into you isn't going to work.

February 17, 2016

Again, I repeat. He's just not that into you.

OP, don't feel bad.... it's possible he's just not into girls, period.

February 17, 2016

You two may simply not be compatible. He may be more of an asexual loner then you want. that doesn't make him a bad guy. It just means he's not your guy.

February 17, 2016

I think he told me relationship with his exes ended because they were too clingy and wanted to see him a lot. He was moving slowly in terms of physical contacts with them as well. He didn't bring any of them home to see his parents because neither of them stayed with him for much longer than a 4-6 months. So should I try to text him that and see if he's been thinking about me and wanting to progress things? I haven't talked to him in over a week since the breakup

I know you are desperately looking for someone to tell you how to make this better but that isn't going to happen. It's right there in front of your face, he only wants to see you once a week, any more than that would mean you are being clingy/needy. This is a compatibility issue....you want someone full time, he only wants to see you once a week, or whenever it is convenient for him. After 6 months in with the other girls, it pretty obvious he doesn't change...those girls tried and gave up.

February 18, 2016

Even the most conservative guy would want to bone you by now.

My bf is conservative and discounts girls immediately if they have sex with him too soon and he only has sex if he feels like he's falling in love. Even he only waited a couple of weeks with me.

I know nerdy virgins that had sex with their first gf only weeks after first getting together.

The guy either has a lowwwww sex drive and should probably investigate and seek medical examinations (low sex drives can ruin your chances of finding someone since most people with average drives need someone that craves sex)

Or else he's gay or just not attracted to you.

Absolute best case scenario here is that he is into you but suffers from a low sex drive and struggles with the ability to feel chemistry with all women in general. That means this is the most passionate some men get.

Likely scenario? The guy just isn't that into you and also suffers from a low sex drive and/or is actually gay.

March 24, 2016

I went out with a 23 yo guy for 4 months. He and I hung out once a week and we never got physically intimate because we both liked to take things slow. We only kissed on the dates and we both made it clear that we were exclusive from the beginning, however he wasn't ready to call me his girlfriend. After 4 months, I asked if we could start taking things to the next level and become official and he said he's not ready. He said he likes me and enjoys my company but he doesn't feel enough of a connection with me. He also uses the excuse of being "too busy to date" since he's in dental school.

It's been 2 months since the break up and we've hung out twice since then. I broke no-contact rule and initiated hanging out both times. I still like him a lot and want to get back together. The last time we hung out, I asked him if he wants to get back together and he said he thinks it's best if we just stay as friends for now but he said there's a possibility we can get back together. He said his feelings for me hasn't changed, and when I asked him what that meant, he said "it hasn't gotten worse". I'm not sure how to interpret that. Is he saying he still likes me or is he saying he still doesn't like me enough to want more?

I said I want to get back together and continue going on dates and enjoy each other's company. He said he'd give it some more thoughts. How should I proceed from here? Does it sound like there's a chance we can get back together or was he just saying it to be nice?

March 24, 2016

I went out with a 23 yo guy for 4 months. He and I hung out once a week and we never got physically intimate because we both liked to take things slow. We only kissed on the dates and we both made it clear that we were exclusive from the beginning, however he wasn't ready to call me his girlfriend. After 4 months, I asked if we could start taking things to the next level and become official and he said he's not ready. He said he likes me and enjoys my company but he doesn't feel enough of a connection with me. He also uses the excuse of being "too busy to date" since he's in dental school.

It's been 2 months since the break up and we've hung out twice since then. I broke no-contact rule and initiated hanging out both times. I still like him a lot and want to get back together. The last time we hung out, I asked him if he wants to get back together and he said he thinks it's best if we just stay as friends for now but he said there's a possibility we can get back together. He said his feelings for me hasn't changed, and when I asked him what that meant, he said "it hasn't gotten worse". I'm not sure how to interpret that. Is he saying he still likes me or is he saying he still doesn't like me enough to want more?

I said I want to get back together and continue going on dates and enjoy each other's company. He said he'd give it some more thoughts. How should I proceed from here? Does it sound like there's a chance we can get back together or was he just saying it to be nice?

sweetie, it sounds to me that when he told you his feelings for you haven't changed, he meant this:

>>He said he likes me and enjoys my company but he doesn't feel enough of a connection with me.<<

I would interpret that as meaning he does not like you enough to want more than a friendship.

His comment "it hasn't gotten worse," means you haven't started annoying him enough to the point he doesn't even want that (a friendship).

Sorry.

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Second chance with a guy I casually dated who didn't want to commit the first time

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