Author ptlouie11 Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Thank you all again for all of the comments and I just wanted to give a little update. After 2 weeks of not seeing each other (due to exams, etc.), we scheduled to see each other this Friday evening, to which he let me know a few days ago that he has guys' night at 8 PM but could see me from 3 pm - 8 pm since that's when we're both out of class. Last night, he texted me and let me know that his guy friends decided to pre-game early at around 6, which cuts into our hanging out time. I was mad so I called him and told him we don't have to meet anymore if it's gonna be rushed. I'd prefer to see him for more than a couple of hours at a time and I specifically made sure to keep my evening available to see him. He insisted that he still would like to see me and said he could just skip the pre-game with his buddies. So, I decided to keep my promise and go see him today. I'm not sure if I'm self-ish for feeling mad and wanting him to spend the whole evening with me or not. I plan on having a talk with him this evening to let him know how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Thank you all again for all of the comments and I just wanted to give a little update. After 2 weeks of not seeing each other (due to exams, etc.), we scheduled to see each other this Friday evening, to which he let me know a few days ago that he has guys' night at 8 PM but could see me from 3 pm - 8 pm since that's when we're both out of class. Last night, he texted me and let me know that his guy friends decided to pre-game early at around 6, which cuts into our hanging out time. I was mad so I called him and told him we don't have to meet anymore if it's gonna be rushed. I'd prefer to see him for more than a couple of hours at a time and I specifically made sure to keep my evening available to see him. He insisted that he still would like to see me and said he could just skip the pre-game with his buddies. So, I decided to keep my promise and go see him today. I'm not sure if I'm self-ish for feeling mad and wanting him to spend the whole evening with me or not. I plan on having a talk with him this evening to let him know how I feel. At this stage, shouldn't you be joining him when he goes to hang out with his friends? It's one thing to not want to go, but it's a red flag if he never invites you or he doesn't want you to go with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 (edited) I don't believe in getting into relationships to change people. The first few months are about getting to know someone and seeing if you're compatible. I've always liked to observe behaviors and make my own decisions based on those behaviors. Any time I did tell someone how I wanted them to behave, it didn't result in any lasting change of behavior. I want someone who treats me how I want to be treated without me having to tell him how to do so. Sure there are little things you can communicate about (I like daisies more than roses, I love being sent funny pictures, I prefer Mexican over Chinese, etc.). But I don't believe I should have to tell a guy how often he should see me. I only want someone who WANTS to see me regularly and consistently WITHOUT me telling him or prodding him. How else can one truly gauge interest? If I have to tell someone to see me more, they aren't interested enough in me to invest my time or energy. I want someone who treats me how I want to be treated without me having to tell him how to do so. -- This is fine up to a point. But people are not mind readers. After a few months of dating on their schedule, they think you're OK with it unless you let them know that you'd like it if the two of you could see each other more often. If they don't want to or opt not to accommodate your need, then fine, you move on. But, if they don't know you want more, they assume you're ok with that. Perhaps they too want to see you more but are hesitant for some reason, i.e. you seem ok with the way things are . . . Communicate. You TELL them what to do, you make a statement about what would make you happy, fill your needs. Then you observe whether or not they actually start doing it. Furthermore, if it's been a few months, the woman should at least be initiating and planning things now and again. This also gives them a heads up that you're wanting to spend more time together. And, it needs to be balanced. He does some initiating and she does some initiating. Edited February 5, 2016 by Redhead14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ptlouie11 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I've been seeing a (23 yo) guy for the past 4 months now. He's been very nice and taking things slow with me since the beginning. We still haven't been intimate yet. I come to find out that he's just not 100% sure about me yet to commit to a relationship and to push physical intimacy further. We had a discussion last week in person when I asked him if we're official. He admitted that he does like me a lot but he feels like the connection isn't strong enough for him to want to commit. Also, he's in a very demanding grad school program that takes up a lot of time so he blamed it on not being able to spend enough time with me thus far. I appreciated his honesty but part of me feels crushed because I'm starting to develop strong feelings for him and can't continue seeing him casually anymore. So I told him I'd like to stop seeing him while he figures out what he wants. I told him that when he figures it out, he can reach out to me again. He told me that he doesn't want things to end and he will be mulling over this and let me know soon. He did tell me that either way, he'd let me know what his answer is instead of ghosting on me. I haven't heard from him at all in the past 5 days. I'm very hurt and emotional right now. I think it's safe to assume that if I don't hear from him by Valentine's day that things are over between us. Has anyone experienced something similar before? Is the guy just taking his time to make up his mind in this case or is he ghosting? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Never experienced anything similar like this before, because I would not let them do this to me. I would instead said "Fair enough(that your feelings aren't strong enough for you to commit)" and "Have a nice day(bye bye)" with a smiley face 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ptlouie11 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I also wanted to add: He said it would be hard to make a relationship work with his hectic schedule and so far, that's his biggest hesitation. I think that if he was truly that into me, he'd make the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 How long? You've waited long enough already..move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Where's your self-respect? He's flat out telling you that's he's not that into you and you're giving him a chance to think about it? Cut him loose and find a guy who wants to be with you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He already knows his feelings are not strong enough so what is there to figure out? I am sorry but it's just his way of letting you down easy. There is no such a thing as 'a break'. You cannot ask someone to put their life on hold while you figure things out as if they had nothing better to do than to wait on you. He has no concern for the emotional distress he's leaving you in. If I were you I'd break up with him myself and move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 You've had your answer. Silence. There are better prospects out there. Throw this one back in the pond. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ptlouie11 Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I'm very heart broken. Prior to our convo, he was the one who initiated dates and contacted me daily so I thought he is interested in me but is truly busy. I still find myself hoping that he'll reach out sometimes this week, or at least give me An answer like he said he would. Is it worth it for me to reach out to him to get an answer/sense of closure or just let things be? What are the odds that I'll hear from him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 If he wanted to continue this, he never would have let you give him space to think. Space & time make stuff like this worse because the bad feelings fester, the good stuff fades & the person learns they can live without you. Do not expect him back. Grad school is no excuse. I dated in grad school. If something is a priority you make time. Read a book called He's Just Not That Into You. It will provide insights into why letting this lukewarm guy go was the best thing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Is it worth it for me to reach out to him to get an answer/sense of closure or just let things be? What are the odds that I'll hear from him NO! No contact whatsoever. This is. in fact, the worst thing you can do and could risk pushing him away further. He needs to experience life without you in order to miss you. He also needs to contemplate what it would feel like if he were to lose you. With some guys this can be crucial. Only then will things become clearer. In addition, do bear in mind it could take a lot longer than a few days. I realise this limbo situation is far from ideal so best to keep busy and try not to dwell on things. I can't say for certain whether he'll be back or not but fingers crossed for you. So no contact, ever. The ball is in his court. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) I'm very heart broken. Prior to our convo, he was the one who initiated dates and contacted me daily so I thought he is interested in me but is truly busy. I still find myself hoping that he'll reach out sometimes this week, or at least give me An answer like he said he would. Is it worth it for me to reach out to him to get an answer/sense of closure or just let things be? What are the odds that I'll hear from him. Please read the first ten posts again. Edited February 10, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author ptlouie11 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 Update: he was gonna call me today after I get off work to talk to me (possibly break up) but then he texted me an hour beforehand to reschedule the talk to tomorrow because he's out with his friends drinking and can't make it back on time. Is he being inconsiderate in this case? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Update: he was gonna call me today after I get off work to talk to me (possibly break up) but then he texted me an hour beforehand to reschedule the talk to tomorrow because he's out with his friends drinking and can't make it back on time. ***Is he being inconsiderate in this case? What do YOU think? Because in the end, what you think and feel is all that matters. Me? I would've gotten rid of him as soon as he told me he wasn't sure about wanting a relationship with me. As soon as a man says that, or anything suggesting that, it's next, block, delete. Link to post Share on other sites
tasev1 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 IMHO, this is typical of a guy at his age.....wanting to concentrate on career instead of commitment. He commits to you, he sacrifices his career path. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 IMHO, this is typical of a guy at his age.....wanting to concentrate on career instead of commitment. He commits to you, he sacrifices his career path. Plain and simple. It's usually the women that ends up sacrificing her career, not the man because of the gender gap. That's how it is if you're in the US. OP, you met the guy online. I'm sure you can meet another guy that's just as much quality as him or even better. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Come on. Where is your dignity? Reread over the posts of advice from people here....don't mug yourself off any longer. It's OK for him to not want to commit to you, he's been vocal about that, it's OK that you are hurting. All will be well. There's absolutely no point in being with someone that wants to be with you. Open up the opportunity for someone who will commit. You're holding yourself back. Focus on your feelings and healings. You'll bounce right back. It hasnt been long. You will be OK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) IMHO, this is typical of a guy at his age.....wanting to concentrate on career instead of commitment. He commits to you, he sacrifices his career path. Plain and simple. Screw the career, given her most recent update ...sounds like he would rather concentrate on drinking with his friends instead of OP and/or a relationship with her. Inconsiderate? Not really. Not interested? Definitely! Edited February 12, 2016 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Update: he was gonna call me today after I get off work to talk to me (possibly break up) but then he texted me an hour beforehand to reschedule the talk to tomorrow because he's out with his friends drinking and can't make it back on time. Is he being inconsiderate in this case? Listen to what you just wrote there. Is this in keeping with his claim to be too busy to see you? Sorry, he is just not that into you. And he has not even been intimate yet - after 4 months - what's that all about? I wouldn't even call it a relationship, and I wouldn't waste another minute on this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I think him fobbing you off to go drinking with his friends is all the answer you need... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ptlouie11 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 The way he treated me tonight is far more telling than anything. I realize I've been blinded by love and I'm ready to move on from someone who doesn't treat me with respect and doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Thanks you all! It hurts but I'll be okay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ptlouie11 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 I've been dating a guy who goes to a nearby college for the past 4 months. We're both inexperienced in dating but we have had a great time together. He's only had 2 short-term relationships while I haven't dated anyone before so going into this, we were taking things slowly. He'd text/call me about once a day and we go on dates about once a week. I've started falling for him even though we haven't had sex yet. He hadn't pushed for it either since he told me he'd only sleep with girls once he's in a committed relationship with them. Over the past Valentine's day weekend, I broached the topic of becoming official and he was honest and told me that his feeling isn't that strong for me yet. He's attracted to me and wants to keep going. I was very hurt and disappointed because I wanted us to become more committed to each other and I'm falling for him. So we decided to end things in order to avoid further heartaches. I miss him so much and I keep wondering if I should have given him more time and keep spending time with him. I know that if I reach out to him now, he'd come back to me but the question is, should I? After 4 months, does it seem like he's leading me on or waiting for his feelings to develop? Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Ok since you kind of refuse to give up on him, I'm going to throw this out there like a Hail Mary. You say he treats you really well. But do you treat him equally as well? What do you do to show him you appreciate him? What do you do to convey to him how much you like him? Have you done anything thoughtful for him? Maybe you just haven't shown him that you're girlfriend material. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts