Second chance with a guy I casually dated who didn't want to commit the first time

February 2, 2016

I've been dating this guy I met from OLD for about 3.5 months. He (23 yo) and I are both busy students in grad school so we've been seeing each other about once a week or once every other week. He'd text me every 3-4 days to make plan for our next date. He's initiated about half of the dates. Recently I've tried to initiate hanging out more often and asked him out once during the week and he's been receptive to it. I said I enjoy spending time with him and I'd like to hear from him more often in between dates. So he's stepped up and either texted or called me at least once every day to check in with me, ask how my day's been, etc. However, he doesn't seem to want to see me more than once a week. When we do hang out, it's usually just dinner or a movie for about 2-3 hours top. He always seems to have other things planned the same night we're spending time together such as catching up with his friends at a bar, etc. so our dates rarely go much longer than 2-3 hours.

I can't tell if this is the normal pace or if he's just not that interested in me. I want to tell him I want to see him more often and want him to initiate more dates but idk how to say it without coming off as clingy and needy. We still haven't had sex yet and he hasn't tried to. He seems pretty inexperienced as he said he has never been in a LTR and he's somewhat of a passive type. We're dating exclusively at this point and I'm pretty sure he's not seeing other people.

February 2, 2016

You shouldn't have to tell, suggest or force someone to treat you the way you want to be treated. If you want more out of this, go find someone else who is more on the same page.

This is who he is....he only wants to meet up once in awhile to go out on dates, nothing more serious. You are just something to do. My guess is if you offer sex he will take it.

I don't know why you wasted 3.5 months on someone who doesn't even have an interest in texting, or have a conversation with you between meeting, never initiates sex or even has a glimmer of passion in him.

He ain't that into you.

Don't chalk it up to inexperience...I have dated virgins that never had a GF and they were jumping all over me with excitement.

February 2, 2016

You could initiate dates more frequently, since you say he is the passive type. If he's receptive to it, you'll get what you want. If not, than he may not be right for you. I don't see a problem with you doing most of the initiating. The question is, do you want to do that?

February 3, 2016

You could initiate dates more frequently, since you say he is the passive type. If he's receptive to it, you'll get what you want. If not, than he may not be right for you. I don't see a problem with you doing most of the initiating. The question is, do you want to do that?

He seems to be receptive to it so far. He agreed to hang out with me whenever I ask. However, I don't want to do it all the time because it feels like he isn't that into it and he's just going along because it's convenient, not because he wants to see me.

February 3, 2016

He's very likely dating others or has a girlfriend/wife.

That's just not normal behavior for a man who is really into woman.

February 3, 2016

I do get the feeling that he's probably not that into me. However, the thing that confused me is that he doesn't try for sex even though he has said he's attracted to me physically and he likes me. I wonder if he's the type who moves slowly in the relationship. Would someone his age (23) be willing to date a girl for 3.5 months (taking her to dinner, etc.) and not be that into her?

February 3, 2016

I do get the feeling that he's probably not that into me. However, the thing that confused me is that he doesn't try for sex even though he has said he's attracted to me physically and he likes me. I wonder if he's the type who moves slowly in the relationship. Would someone his age (23) be willing to date a girl for 3.5 months (taking her to dinner, etc.) and not be that into her?

More to the point. Would a 23 year old man be able to go without sex for 3.5 months?

Doubtful, hormones are raging at that age! Especially if he is attracted to someone and into them.

He is either dating someone else he IS into (and having sex with)....or he's gay (in the closet).

The latter is not uncommon.... something is not jiving.

February 3, 2016

I do get the feeling that he's probably not that into me. However, the thing that confused me is that he doesn't try for sex even though he has said he's attracted to me physically and he likes me. I wonder if he's the type who moves slowly in the relationship. Would someone his age (23) be willing to date a girl for 3.5 months (taking her to dinner, etc.) and not be that into her?

First of all, if his actions don't match his words, go by his actions.

You met the guy online, there's a realistic probability he may be seeing someone else. How certain can you be?

February 3, 2016

Sorry OP, something is definitely awry here.

To put this in perspective, I'm also a 23 year-old man and I can hardly go two days without wanting to have sex with my GF. The first six weeks of dating her without sex were absolute torture!

Like others have said, he's either a closet gay or is seeing (and ****ing) someone else. Sorry to be the bearer of unwelcome news.

February 3, 2016

I don't think you should initiate anything else. I find it extremely odd that he makes plans with his friends the same night he is seeing you. He should see his friends on a night he does not have plans to be with you. I would think he would want to spend more than 2 or 3 hours with you since you are supposed to be in a relationship.

February 3, 2016

I do get the feeling that he's probably not that into me. However, the thing that confused me is that he doesn't try for sex even though he has said he's attracted to me physically and he likes me. I wonder if he's the type who moves slowly in the relationship. Would someone his age (23) be willing to date a girl for 3.5 months (taking her to dinner, etc.) and not be that into her?

A guy who is sleeping with someone else would behave that way.

February 3, 2016

Everything everyone has told you so far is so true.

February 3, 2016

Once per week in the beginning is pretty standard. But you've been seeing the guy for almost four months now. So progress seems a bit slow IMO. Especially since there's been times where it drops to once every other week.

It seems like you're just a placeholder for when he gets bored.

February 3, 2016

Is he secretly gay?

February 3, 2016

Is he secretly gay?

^^That was my first thought.

February 3, 2016

Uhhh. He's in grad school. What kind of program is he in? Does it take up a majority of his time? Is he bad at managing time?

When my ex and I were in grad school, we were in a very demanding program and were lucky if we saw each other more than once a week. We were also both balancing other areas of our lives. It didn't mean we were any less into each other. We were just both in a similar place and mindset about the relationship.

How does he treat you when you are together? Do you feel wanted? Do you both have fun? Do you feel like he is or isn't into you when he's there?

I know you've brought up spending more time together, but have you had a serious talk with him about WHY he hasn't been? Maybe there's more to the story that you don't know about. Maybe the days you see him are his "social" days and splits it between you and his friends because that's the only way to balance his life. Maybe he's also taking care of an ill parent. Maybe he has a kid. Maybe he's working a side job to pay for tuition. It could be anything, but you won't find out unless you ask.

This would also be a good time to have a serious talk about whether you are on the same page. He could be not as serious about the relationship as you are. Or he could be really into you and is just be taking it really slow because you are both in grad school and that is his priority.

You want to know all of this before you get even more invested in him and stay longer than you have to.

As for the sex thing - there are plenty of reasons why this could be, and you won't know until you ask. Maybe he *is* as inexperienced as you say and does't want to ruin things or know your boundaries yet since you spend so little time together and wants you to be the aggressive one. And there *are* men who wait and it has nothing to do with his attraction for you. Have you guys fooled around and there's just no sex? Or is it more like he won't do anything other than kiss and hold your hand? Could it be a cultural thing or does he lack confidence?

Also, if you guys were having sex and had it every time or most of the time he saw you in those 2-3 hours per week, then you'd be worrying that he was just using you.

Not saying it's impossible, but I wouldn't jump the gun and say he's cheating on you or is secretly gay. Geez.

Have a talk. Ask questions.

February 3, 2016

Want to add that I know having these talks can be scary, but it's better than wondering all the time and letting it eat at you insecurities.

It's been 4 months. It's the right time - and you have every right - to have these conversations.

If he's into you, it won't scare him away. The right guy won't think you're clingy or needy and will actually have more respect for you for knowing and telling him what you want.

February 3, 2016

Uhhh. He's in grad school. What kind of program is he in? Does it take up a majority of his time? Is he bad at managing time?

When my ex and I were in grad school, we were in a very demanding program and were lucky if we saw each other more than once a week. We were also both balancing other areas of our lives. It didn't mean we were any less into each other. We were just both in a similar place and mindset about the relationship.

How does he treat you when you are together? Do you feel wanted? Do you both have fun? Do you feel like he is or isn't into you when he's there?

I know you've brought up spending more time together, but have you had a serious talk with him about WHY he hasn't been? Maybe there's more to the story that you don't know about. Maybe the days you see him are his "social" days and splits it between you and his friends because that's the only way to balance his life. Maybe he's also taking care of an ill parent. Maybe he has a kid. Maybe he's working a side job to pay for tuition. It could be anything, but you won't find out unless you ask.

This would also be a good time to have a serious talk about whether you are on the same page. He could be not as serious about the relationship as you are. Or he could be really into you and is just be taking it really slow because you are both in grad school and that is his priority.

You want to know all of this before you get even more invested in him and stay longer than you have to.

As for the sex thing - there are plenty of reasons why this could be, and you won't know until you ask. Maybe he *is* as inexperienced as you say and does't want to ruin things or know your boundaries yet since you spend so little time together and wants you to be the aggressive one. And there *are* men who wait and it has nothing to do with his attraction for you. Have you guys fooled around and there's just no sex? Or is it more like he won't do anything other than kiss and hold your hand? Could it be a cultural thing or does he lack confidence?

Also, if you guys were having sex and had it every time or most of the time he saw you in those 2-3 hours per week, then you'd be worrying that he was just using you.

Not saying it's impossible, but I wouldn't jump the gun and say he's cheating on you or is secretly gay. Geez.

Have a talk. Ask questions.

Thank you so much for your thorough response and I appreciate everyone else's comments as well. Definitely food for thought!

I don't think he's gay because he has a lot of manly interests. He's into cars, football, all sorts of sport, etc. And he's initiated kissing pretty much every time we hung out. We just don't go beyond that because most of the dates have been in public. He's a little shy about initiating physical contacts and I have to reach for his hand when we're walking sometimes. I've been over his place once time, we started making out and he tried to feel me up but then he'd stop before it gets hot and heavy.

He's a dental student so he has a lot on his plate. I do wish he could designate an evening just to spend with me and I do feel neglected. One time I wanted us to do dinner + movie and he said he could only do dinner because he had guys' night right after seeing me, so we had to postpone movie to a different night. Little things like that annoy me and makes me feel like he's not that into me. I'll try to have a conversation with him and see.

February 3, 2016

One time I wanted us to do dinner + movie and he said he could only do dinner because he had guys' night right after seeing me, so we had to postpone movie to a different night.

And this is pretty typical right? Guys night out immediately after seeing you? So can only spend 2-3 hours with you....once per week?

3.5 months you've been with him? Bless your heart.

I wouldn't last one week with a guy like him.

Best of luck.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

February 3, 2016

He's a dental student so he has a lot on his plate.

Ok so that's basically med school. He's hard pressed to find time. I get it. I also have a demanding job that requires late nights and weekends sometimes. If I met a great woman, I would still try to make as much time as possible to see her. The bottom line is you are NOT a priority in his life. If you were a priority, you wouldn't be on here posting why he only sees you every week or every other week. You can't ask him to make you a priority. He either does or does not.

February 3, 2016

And this is pretty typical right? Guys night out immediately after seeing you? So can only spend 2-3 hours with you....once per week?

3.5 months you've been with him? Bless your heart.

I wouldn't last one week with a guy like him.

Best of luck.

She said "one time" that's what happened. So, I don't think that's typical, but please clarify OP.

Again, it's all about expectations. You expect more, as does OP, whereas I would be okay with that setup if I were still in grad school. Even if I were really into the guy, I'd also still like to see my friends and family and there's only so much time when you're in a demanding program (dental school!).

February 3, 2016

Ok so that's basically med school. He's hard pressed to find time. I get it. I also have a demanding job that requires late nights and weekends sometimes. If I met a great woman, I would still try to make as much time as possible to see her. The bottom line is you are NOT a priority in his life. If you were a priority, you wouldn't be on here posting why he only sees you every week or every other week. You can't ask him to make you a priority. He either does or does not.

This!

OP another way to frame it is maybe this *is* him making time. Maybe this is him moving mountains to see you and gradually build a relationship with you. But he also wants to make time for other things in his life. Up to you to decide if you can be okay with that.

February 3, 2016

She said "one time" that's what happened. So, I don't think that's typical, but please clarify OP.

Again, it's all about expectations. You expect more, as does OP, whereas I would be okay with that setup if I were still in grad school. Even if I were really into the guy, I'd also still like to see my friends and family and there's only so much time when you're in a demanding program (dental school!).

OP said this in her original post:

>>When we do hang out, it's usually just dinner or a movie for about 2-3 hours top. He always seems to have other things planned the same night we're spending time together such as catching up with his friends at a bar, etc. so our dates rarely go much longer than 2-3 hours.

February 3, 2016

I do wish he could designate an evening just to spend with me and I do feel neglected.

Aww OP, I'm hoping he can give you that once you tell him. Maybe he'll agree to planning something ahead of time to make sure the night is just for the two of you.

February 3, 2016

OP said this in her original post:

>>When we do hang out, it's usually just dinner or a movie for about 2-3 hours top. He always seems to have other things planned the same night we're spending time together such as catching up with his friends at a bar, etc. so our dates rarely go much longer than 2-3 hours.

Yup, that's why I asked to clarify

It could be that one time it's to drink with his buddies, whereas other times it's family, studying or something else more important.

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Second chance with a guy I casually dated who didn't want to commit the first time

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