Latest update on ex

[buffy51]

I'm new to the site. Trying to sum up my breakup is really hard. I feel like a complete idiot. My BF of 11 years never was the "perfect" BF. There was always something off about him. Like he was more interested in himself than me. After doing some research, he holds a lot of narcissistic traits. He doesn't have money . Lived with his parents for almost the entire 11 years due to having a son under 18 who lived there as well. Never met his son once. His parents forbade it. This is the first time he has not been tied to them. They kicked him out so he took me with him. I know now it was because he didn't want to be alone. He cheated on me more than once during the years because he is a "sex addict" and I mean that literally. Multiple times a day if he could. When I didn't, he replaced it with porn. Hours of it. I am 10 years older than he is and I am going through perimenopause with lots of GYN problems that make sex difficult and painful for me. He didn't care. He blamed me for not having enough sex. When we moved out together for our 2nd time in October, I knew it wouldn't work because of various factors, but mostly financial. I had supported us basically the first time we lived together a couple of years ago. We ended up having to go to our respective parents' houses to regroup. After 3 months of living together this last time, I had to move back to my mom's house because of the aforementioned medical issues. He claims I "abandoned" him and that was our last hurrah. He has now replaced me in record time with a really young mid 20s woman and still never broke up with me (he is 41). Kept me on a string barely with many days of not talking to me until Super Bowl Sunday when I read on his Facebook page that he has the new woman and then a short time after that post, he says he is pretty sure they have a baby on the way. I had been gone exactly 1 month. I had even asked him 2 weeks ago if we were over and all he needed to do was just tell me. He refused to break up with me. He had called me 2 days before that post and didn't bother to mention it. I think he wanted me to be caught off guard and have to read it and be humiliated to read it on his page. He hasn't spoken to me since that day when I asked him if it was true or if he was just making it up to hurt me. He says he wasn't trying to hurt me, but "you left me. What did you expect me to do?" Uh, not get a woman pregnant in record time when we aren't even broken up is a start. Still not 100% convinced that is true. So, for the last 5 days, I have been absolutely crushed and there has been no contact from him at all. That goes back to the narcissist thing. The silent treatment and moving on to better things, but still expecting me to be there for him. There is a lot more to this story of the things he has done over the years, but I figured this was a good jumping off point. I feel so humiliated and so stupid. I am blaming myself just like he did with that last text. Also, I told him the day I left I didn't want to go, I had to because we had no car at the time and no way to get to doctors. But, he has it in his head that I left him, so all this is my fault. Sounds like he has no soul at all. What man moves on that fast when he had just asked me repeatedly for weeks to marry him and would cry about how much he loved me? Within a week of me leaving (maybe even before I left, who knows), he had to be with this woman. But to get pregnant and know it that fast seems a bit fishy to me.

[DarkHorizon]

I am really sorry.

If you are new to these boards,

This is a good thread to read:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567241-dumped-lessons-i-learned

[buffy51]

My ex and I were in a relationship for almost 12 years. It was highs and lows for sure. The first 8 months we were together, he dumped me for a woman he worked with. Like a fool, I took him back when it didn't work out with her. He blamed it on his parents, who he lived with at the time. He has always either lived with them or me for his adult life. He has an ex wife with whom he has a son who lives with the grandparents. Six years ago, we moved in together in a place I had. I paid all the bills as he had to pay child support to his son. In retrospect, he felt entitled to being supported I suppose. He has very overbearing parents who tried to control his life. They refused to meet me or let me come around his son during the entire relationship. We lost the place I had about 2 years ago due to my job changing and I went into a deep depression. We lost all our belongings and the place. We had to move in with our respective parents.

 

Over the years, he always developed "crushes" on female coworkers, but other than that first one 10 years ago, he never acted on them. He changed jobs a lot, either quitting or being fired, for the entire time I've known him. He has cheated on me during the entire relationship, but just casual flings and by the time I found out about them, I forgave him. He is a sex addict, who wants sex 5-10 times a day and I don't know any woman who could satisfy him. But over the course of the entire time we were together, he always said if he cheated, it would mean nothing and he would always come back to me. He is a porn addict and spend all of his free time on porn sites downloading pictures. He has tens of thousands of them. I let him do this because I figured it would keep him from cheating.

 

About 5 months ago, he finally up and decided that he wanted to move out from his parents and take me with him. We had a rocky 2 years due to the fact he blamed me for losing our place and our storage unit with our belongings in it. He claimed to be over it, but I don't think he ever was in retrospect. We moved into a motel room because we couldn't afford anything else. I felt this was a bad move to make as we were spending half of our salary on the room and not making headway. He said he expected me to work more and take care of him as he didn't want to be alone. About 3 months later, our only vehicle broke down and we had no transportation. I had a health scare back in January and had to come back home to my mother's house because of no transportation. I tried to get him to come here with me, but he refused to leave his job. For the next week, he said I abandoned him and left him. He talked to me every day. Then 9 days after I left, he moved in with a couple as a roommate who had a baby since he could save money to fix his vehicle and also was closer to work as he was walking. A few days after he moved in with the roommates, he started going a little longer talking to me and his whole demeanor changed. First it was a few days, then 5 days, etc. About a month ago, I got really angry because he refused to talk to me and only talked about his roommates and babysitting. I was floored. He was never into kids and now he is babysitting? Then a woman at work who is married with 3 kids (had the last baby in December) was needing help. I knew of her because he had talked about working with her along with a few other people. He said that he and one of the other managers had taken it upon themselves to babysit her 3 kids while she worked and to walk her home at night because she had a violent husband. I thought it was really strange, but he still acted like nothing was wrong with us. I had told him that if he wanted to pursue a single life as he had never been on his own before, to just break if off with me. He didn't. Wouldn't. I felt things were off somehow.

 

On Super Bowl Sunday, I got on Facebook to check out my news feed, etc., and there were all these posts and pictures of the baby that lived there and pictures of him and his own son as a baby. Then, he posts about how I left him after 11 years. The next post he says that he is dating a 23 year old woman. The next post he says that he is pretty sure he has a baby on the way. Imagine my shock and humiliation! I knew nothing of this, though I had suspected he was probably having sex with other women since he is sex addicted.

 

I sent him a text that night and asked WTF? He said he wasn't trying to hurt me and the woman had to confirm it. I didn't try to talk again. Then the next week out of nowhere, he texts about how she isn't pregnant YET and should he "lose my number?" That I am "his friend," but he "chose her" and "loves her". Just basically torturing me with details on this woman. The next night, I tried to break off contact with him and told him I wish him the best and he starts talking about her again. But he was drinking and he slipped out a few details and I figured out who she was. She was the married coworker with the new baby and 2 other kids that he had been babysitting who has the abusive husband. He says he is planning to "rescue her and the kids". I finally decided at that point to just go no contact and not answer anymore texts or phone calls, though my heart is shattered and my self esteem is tanked. It hasn't been a week yet, so his normal pattern of contacting me every 7-8 days isn't up yet. I am just afraid I won't be able to ignore him.

 

I'm having a really hard time because this woman is 28 years younger than me and I am having the self esteem hit. I can't believe that he is blaming me for leaving him and he took up with this other woman exactly 10 days after I left. I don't understand how he could just forget me after 10 days and act like we never had anything. Does anyone have any advice on this?

 

Sorry for the long post, but 12 years is a long time and I'm just stunned by it all.

[DarkHorizon]

Gosh any answer you might be looking for can be found in the several red flags raised throughout this whole story.

 

Said that, try not to spend much time trying to understand reasons at this point. Clearly, it all boils up to the fact that he is not the right person for you - or probably anyone else - and you should move on - actually, RUN forward - as fast as you can from that man. Cut all ties, block all means of communication, give your mind and heart a well deserved rest so you can finally start healing. Months from now, you will read these words you wrote the same way we are reading them now, and realize that that the end of this relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to your life.

[Neffer]

There is so much here; I am going to just give you bullet points to address the major things I can see.

 

- This just happened. Of course you are reeling from this low blow; it was a sneak attack. What you are feeling is the normal amount of shock and loss. This is rough in the beginning but it will get better and more manageable. You will go from feeling as you do now, lost and hurt, to feeling anger as you progress. Do not beat yourself up for feelling like crap at first. You feel loss, but in time you will let your brain take over and you will realize he was no loss at all.

 

- Being an older woman left for younger fresher meat is hurtful. Its a cultural thing, being devalued as older, and being discarded is painful. Its a blow to your self esteem and recognizing that is one thing, but feeling it will just have to be accepted for the time being. However - the new girl cannot remain "new" forever. The issues with his behaviour, how he functions in a relationship, will not change. He won't change. She will encounter exactly the same path you did.

 

- Your ex sounds like he has unmanaged/unmedicated ADHD. Look it up in the context of relationships. It will be an eye opener. I have some experience with this sort of person. An ex treated his gf (of 17 years) prior to me very much the way yours treated you (one night stands, porn, flirting with other women for attention etc). It was only after we broke up and I started to recognize the patterns (and he was diagnosed ADHD) that I put it all together.

 

- If he is ADHD, (and I suspect he is) the bragging and big show that you encountered on facebook is an act. He completely believes he is this new person, new life, super dad figure. Its the novelty and impulsive part of it. The newness will wear off and he will revert to be his old self centered self.

 

- What DarkHorizon said is the truth - "Months from now, you will read these words you wrote the same way we are reading them now, and realize that that the end of this relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to your life." it is a GOOD thing he is out of your life. You can and will date other worthwhile men. He was a leech who mistreated you and used you as a support - as substitute parent, not a partner. You deserve better and you will see that after the smoke clears. Right now its a new shock - you feel unmoored, lost. That will pass. This is a good thing. He is no loss. Seriously

 

- The new woman he is with sounds a bit of a mess herself. And she is looking at him to save her (start laughing now). When/if it falls apart with them - do not step back into his life. Please cut the ties.

 

- As has been said - go NC. Do it now. Block him on facebook immediately, you will only see his PR blitz of "perfect boyfriend who loves kids" BS. Even though you know the truth of things - those pictures will still hurt in your current fragile state.

 

It is very easy to pretend to be Prince Charming for a few weeks. Facebook is nonsense. Block him and delete all contacts. DO NOT talk to him. You are not his sounding board for his new "charmed" life.

 

- He won't change and be Mr. Perfect with the new girl. I know that is a fear when someone is left - that the new person will somehow magically invoke the response that you sought from them. When people jump randomly into new situations - it is for the "new" part of it. They repeat the same behaviour; they haven't ever worked on changing, so how can they be any different?

 

You are fine. And emotionally you will be fine. You are freshly broken up with and it was sudden and done in an underhanded manner. You will get over this. You will.

 

Start cutting ties. Let him sink

Edited February 24, 2016 by Neffer

[contel3]

I actually have no words to describe what kind of little (fill in expletive) he is....

 

You were not replaced, you were freed of a burden. Seriously, there's like nothing positive at all about the guy in the whole thread. And I don't think any good qualities could make up for the negatives you mentioned above. Today is the day you can start a new, BETTER life! You should actually invite all your friends and family and throw a big party.

 

Being replaced with someone younger, more beautiful, richer, the list goes on really hurts. But you have to remember her perceived "value" is only in your head. Just because he chose her over you doesn't mean she is better in any way than you. If he is the same age as you he will probably not take a 23 year old very seriously. Actually, you should feel bad for this new girl.

 

Stop thinking about him and grasp the oportunity he just gave you. This break up is a blessing. And not one in disguise.

[dreamingoftigers]

This guy is so dysfunctional that even entering another codependent, unhealthy relationship would probably have better luck than this one.

 

He's a train-wreck.

 

You are being too hard on yourself if you think this is all you deserve.

[buffy51]

I appreciate all the advice. I am having a really hard time with this and no real support network of friends and family. I just hope I can get over things quickly enough. I know he is bad for me, but I had become "codependent" on him the last few years and that has made things even harder to get over.

[dreamingoftigers]

I appreciate all the advice. I am having a really hard time with this and no real support network of friends and family. I just hope I can get over things quickly enough. I know he is bad for me, but I had become "codependent" on him the last few years and that has made things even harder to get over.

 

When you end up in a relationship with a douchebag, you tend to isolate yourself to sustain the relationship because often they are so entitled and demanding.

 

This sucks big time now BUT there's an opportunity to make new friends and really get out there.

 

Meetup might be an option.

Another thing I did was hiking. Even "urban hikes."

 

You don't owe this love anymore misery on your behalf. You gave all you could and he repaid you with no appreciation. Grieve it, but don't allow yourself to suffer in "the name of love" for him anymore.

[buffy51]

It has been 11 days now since no contact with my ex. As I have stated in previous posts, it was a really long relationship and he ended it very badly. To know you were replaced by a younger woman who is married and has 3 small children and still lives with her husband is really a hit to the self esteem. After 2 weeks, he told me he was in love with her and her kids. How could that be that quick? Yes, he is the type who had to post it on social media instead of calling me and telling me. He has tortured me for 6 weeks with details about how wonderful she is, blah blah blah. Does he hate me so much that he is reveling in twisting the knife? From what he has said, she comes over and spends the daytime hours with him and stays home with her husband and kids at night. Apparently, the husband has no idea. I'm sure that will come to an end at some point. How stupid can he be? She and my ex both ended up being fired last week because he was in management and she was an employee and it got back to the higher ups who fired them both for having a relationship. He claims I abandoned him by coming home and he blamed me for our lack of money together that 3 months and lack of sex. There were reasons that were beyond my control, but he doesn't see it that way. The new woman has no job now, no money, no car, and it doesn't seem to bother him. BUT, he is getting sex daily now. Can that be the deciding factor as to why he gave up a future with me for a married woman with kids? SEX? Of course, he says he is going to "rescue her" from her husband and get them a place. How is that going to happen when he has no job or car and she has no job or car? He lives with roommates and pays $100 a week. How can he support a woman, her mother, and 3 kids? Her mother lives with her as well and helps with the kids. That's how she gets to spend days with my ex. I'm literally floored by it all.

 

I live with my mother and he has talked to her in the last 2 days and it is obvious that he cares nothing about me at all, according to her. Doesn't even talk about me except a negative jab here and there. Doesn't want to know anything about how I'm doing. She said she tried to bring me up in conversation and he wouldn't let her. She told me she has never heard such indifference and uncaring in his voice before. I have a very limited support system of family and friends. My mother and he were really close and she is no help to me at all. She is the type who reminds me of my fault in things and takes up for him more than she should. She misses him too and I have to live with her now. I only have her and 2 girlfriends, both of whom have serious medical issues and can't talk as often as I would like. So, I get to listen to my mom talk about him and I can tell she blames me for him leaving me. So, that is another twist to the story.

 

I just don't understand how someone can profess their undying love for 2 straight months in November and December, begging me to marry him daily, and then replace me in early January just 10 days after I had to go home because of no car and being sick.

 

I am just angry at the fact I didn't see it coming and that I believed everything he told me and I trusted him with my life. I built my entire existence around him the last 2 years while we lived with respective parents and sat by the phone and computer waiting to hear from him every day. I have no life of my own and I don't know what to do now. I work at home, so that makes it harder to meet people. I get up every morning and watch TV for 3 hours until time for work. I then walk 3 steps to my computer for my job. Then I get off work and watch TV until time for bed. No wonder he is on my mind 24/7.

 

The callousness of how he ended things has left me just wanting to curl up in a ball and not move for a year or 2. If I can just figure out how to get past the pain and the fact I'm still in love with him would be a great thing. I just have no clue where to start when I am so limited by lack of support from people and no clue how to meet anyone since I don't have a car either. I use my mom's car to do errands, get to the doctor, go to the store, etc. I don't sleep well. My thoughts are consumed by him constantly. I don't eat well either. I'm just an empty shell trying to work and get through the day, so I can repeat the same exact day tomorrow. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Zahara]

Why is your mother engaging with him? If anything, your mother should want nothing to do with him after all the things he's done to you. There should be no more engaging, especially trying to get him to talk to you. It's absolutely ridicilous behavior. Not only is it enabling him it is also keeping you stuck. Tell her if she bloody well wants to talk to him then do so but tell her that you DO NOT want to hear anything and be firm.

 

No more contact, period.

 

You mentioned him being narcissistic. That type of dysfunction will never make sense. Everything he does or will do will bear no sense or rationality so you need to stop defining your value based on his actions. He does what he does not because of love but is driven by toxicity.

 

When you get up in the morning, go for a run. Start an exercise routine. Tons of workout videos on YouTube and they're free. Get moving. Stop spending 3 hours in front of the TV first thing in the morning.

 

Then spend the time you need to work on work. Sign up for a class. A hobby. Recreational. Educational. After work go for a class. Or sign-up for a meetup. Or sign up for a meditation class. Start reading books on ways to encourage self-esteem, how to love yourself, understand co-dependence, etc. Educate yourself.

 

If you have that much time, find a second job. Get extra money so you can save up for a car. Or save up money to travel somewhere on your own. Or even enough to get your own place. Or even looking for a job and one that doesn't keep you home and allows you interaction with people.

 

The only way to get past the pain is to go through it. Toxic relationships are the most difficult to get over because you've been conditioned a certain way and it's going to be hard to break those chains. It's going to take time and work on your part -- not sitting and watching TV and doing nothing with your time and life. You need to start creating new habits, getting involved in in YOU -- you've lost your sense of self and your worth -- you need to cultivate and develop that.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Zahara

[Neffer]

Read and reread Zaharas post until it sinks in. The most important part is this - The only way to get past the pain is to go through it.

 

If you had an illness you would not expect to wake up perfectly cured and well the net day. Same thing.

 

Maintain NC (your mom too. She should not be trying to patch things up. What is the point) Stop sitting in your house dwelling on his life, motivations etc. It doesn't matter.

 

It does get better, but you have to do the work. You have to take the steps to heal yourself. You essentially are in rehab.

 

It will get easier. Lots of people here have put bad toxic relationships behind them and moved on in their lives. You can do it. Its just rough at the start.

 

Stay NC and work on making your life better.

[buffy51]

I have been trying my best to take all the great advice. I just never expected myself to be like this. I used to be such a strong person and the few friends I do talk to all say the same thing -- that I'm now a shell of that person. I miss him one minute, hate him the next, hate me the next for missing him and/or hating him as he doesn't deserve my time and effort. I guess it's just going to take a long time to get over it. I am moving forward though with trying to remain NC. The longest I've been successful has been 13 days so far. But it's becoming easier because the latest time he contacted me with a text, it was to let me know that he was going to move to another state with the woman and 3 kids, he didn't love me at all anymore, and wouldn't even be jealous if I was seeing other people. That kind of hit a nerve with me, no matter whether it is true or whether he is saying it to hurt me, so I think I'll be able to maintain the NC now. He couldn't have been much more hurtful than that!

[Satu]

You've really been through hell. That much is clear.

 

Here is something I put together for myself, when I was in a bad place; some of it might be useful for you:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

If you can go into strict NC, you will find it helpful:

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.

[buffy51]

After exactly 2 months with the new woman, she dumped him. She had been using him all along to get her husband to be jealous. So, of course the ex has reached out to try to talk to me. Left me a message that said he is not "in love" with me, would not be jealous if I saw other men, but I will always be his friend and he will always love me. I know I can't go back into things with him, but I thought I would be more "ecstatic" that he got dumped, but I'm not. I'm still just numb at what has transpired over the last 2 months and what he did to me and how quickly he moved on. He still blames me constantly for "leaving him" even though I had to go at the time. I'm just so confused and still so hurt and have such raw emotions. I was "in love" with him up until the end, so I cry one minute and am angry the next.

[Zahara]

Why have you not blocked him from contacting you?

[Satu]

Block him > Fixed.

[Rachel39]

Do you not think that you deserve to be in a loving equal healthy relationship. That isn't normal behaviour. It's unhealthy and damaging to yourself.

 

I wouldn't participate in any of this and although your hurting you certainly have not lost the best thing that was every going to happen to you.

 

If you can manage to get through this you will definitely see that, the worst thing about these break ups with such dis function you have so much to get through.

 

What he has put you through and what you have put yourself through.

 

I split up with my sons dad 5 years ago now, we were together 16 years and I was devastead beyond belief he had an affair with a 20plus girl I found out just before my birthday he sent messages ment for her that can to me.

 

She was pregnant with in a year and then married her a year later all whilst having it shoved in my face I have never felt such rage in my life that lasted such a long time my story here is

 

I had to go to parents evening with him yesterday and I honestly looked at him a felt sorry for him, I felt sorry that what he did to me he will have to live with forever, because I know deep down he regrets it 100 percent !

 

He was all in my face trying to flirt with me still he will never change !

[buffy51]

I missed one e-mail address when I was deleting and blocking him 6 weeks ago. I have since blocked that one as well. I should have known that if there was one hole in the armor, he would find it. I just want this all to be over. I never thought anyone could devastate me this badly. I would have bet my entire retirement savings that no man could do this to me. I would have been poor and destitute!

[hechicera]

You sound affected by him telling you you left him... That is his way of manipulating you and shifting his blame to you so that you feel bad for leaving him, it seems like you had good enough reasons to move and he is not taking you into consideration. That's only one of the many problems I can see from your post, but I hope it will open your eyes to see that you don't have to apologize or feel bad for something you didn't do. I can tell because I was married to a narcissistic myself and I now recognize those tactics they use. I recommend the book "Men who hate women and the women who love them", it was very eye opening for me. Good luck!!

[mightycpa]

On the one hand, it can't feel good to have been replaced by a woman almost 30 years younger than you. But on the other hand, you're old enough to know an opportunity when you see it.

 

From what you described, this is one of those opportunities.