What is so great about no contact?

[Jess28]

Thank you for saying that.

I think woman just have a different set of pressures in life. Not by society so much, it's more about coping with there really is only so much time naturally to have children.

Then to have found that one and for things to take a complete turn in the opposite direction when you've spent so much time, so many years developing these dreams with someone... It's just very hard to see the bright side of anything right now I suppose. But you're right.

 

It's like I'm grieving every single damn plan and dream I've had. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and insecure. My self esteem, self worth is shot.

[keiji]

I totally understand the biological part of that, but I insist, you're only 28. From what you say I infer that your sadness and hopelessness may have much less to do with your ex-boyfriend than you think and much more with a bigger picture that perhaps needs to be broken down and worked on.

 

Sometimes it's the uncertainty of the future that drags us down. I'm 38, I was married and left for someone else; then I met this girl and everything looked good for a while, until it didn't. Now I know she wasn't THE person, by no means, and I'm still hopeful. I know I'll find somebody. I know I'd do even if I was 58. You will too.

[Elwood]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be. I don't know the best advice. I think honestly no contact will probably be best but it's something I haven't been able to do. Try to find small things to distract yourself. Then take it moment by moment.

[Enweth]

Hi Jess, you are only 28 don't worry. I am 36 and the man i thought was the one just left me. what i feel now is probably 10 times worse. i feel that my time is up and i can no longer have my own family and will just die and leave this world alone.

[Jess28]

Today I have been trying to figure ways to calm my anxiety. Nothing seems to be working well. I have anxiety and ultimately I'm just very sad. That kind of sadness that just lives in your chest... When you just want to ball your eyes out. When your mind races trying to find a solution to the problem. When your mind searches and searches for ways to fix things because all you want is this person back in your life the way things use to be. Actually, doesn't even have to be the way things use to be. All you want is to be back together. When you can't believe that person you've spent so many years loving, isn't just as frantic about being with you regardless of the problems...

 

I don't wish a broken heart on my worst enemy.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi Jess, you are only 28 don't worry. I am 36 and the man i thought was the one just left me. what i feel now is probably 10 times worse. i feel that my time is up and i can no longer have my own family and will just die and leave this world alone.

 

Feelings are not who you are.

They are transitory and very often liars.

If we tell ourselves something often enough, we will begin to believe it.

You need to change tack and tell yourself something different.

 

A lady at the church I used to attend (many, many years ago) was dumped at the altar by her supposed groom, who confessed - in front of the congregation, priest and his bride - that he was in no frame of mind to marry, or had the suitable maturity to do so.

Devastated would be an understatement in the extreme.

After a period of "mourning", she picked herself up, and took hold of her life.

About 7 months later, she had organised herself sufficiently to move overseas, working for an organisation providing education to children in 3rd world locations.

It seems she found the children she so longed for. In triplicate.

 

It turned out her supposed groom was actually gay and had not one, but 2 male partners on the side.

He apparently attempted to re-establish contact with her 'as a friend', but she would have none of it.

Good for her.

 

Such is life.

 

The GREATEST of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances.

Viktor E. Frankl

[seany25]

I feel so sorry for you darling & I wish this had not happened to you, but I have to say this...

 

The man you are talking about is not a real man.

 

I know you probably weren't expecting to hear that but seriously..

 

A real man would not just "go along" with some arranged marriage sham.

 

A real man would stay with the woman he loves, you, no matter what.

 

A real man does his own thing & does not bow down to anyone.

 

This man [] does not possess the traits of a real man.

 

That's all I have to say I'm sorry.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jim nine three]

Think of it this way.If that person,who at some point was head over heels for you,is able to move on,then so can you.The fact that you are feeling that dreadful pressure in you core,your central chest area tells me that your self esteem is pretty low.Keep working on yourself,that's the only thing anyone can do when heartbroken really.You have to accept reality for what it is.

 

Stay strong

[Babsinhealing]

Today I have been trying to figure ways to calm my anxiety. Nothing seems to be working well. I have anxiety and ultimately I'm just very sad. That kind of sadness that just lives in your chest... When you just want to ball your eyes out. When your mind races trying to find a solution to the problem. When your mind searches and searches for ways to fix things because all you want is this person back in your life the way things use to be. Actually, doesn't even have to be the way things use to be. All you want is to be back together. When you can't believe that person you've spent so many years loving, isn't just as frantic about being with you regardless of the problems...

 

I don't wish a broken heart on my worst enemy.

Jess28- my therapist tells me when you feel that heavy chest feeling and want to cry... CRY! It helps with the healing process and let's you feel your emotions. I use to stop myself. Now when I feel it (which is often lately) I just allow myself to cry. It does make you feel better. Another thing I've been doing more often is talking out loud. Telling the OP no longer in my life what I would say if I could. It's like a new way to verbally journal and helps release some of your toxic/negative thoughts. I'm grieving too so I will try anything! Good luck

[Jess28]

Thank you guys for this advice. I truly, deeply need all the help and advice there is. It hurts, so bad. I wish I could just be angry and hate him and just snap out of it. I don't want to cry. I don't want him to take up any more of my mind and especially more of my time. I was wronged by him so badly. I'm sick of picturing them together. I'm sick of it! Even though this is all so new, I just don't want to grieve over him. I hate it.

 

Yes, my self esteem is completely shot. I've never felt so insecure about myself in my entire life. Also the huge insecurity I feel about my future as well. This is absolutely unbelievable to have to go through. Unimaginable...

 

I wish with all my heart that I could erase him out of my memory completely.

Edited March 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Satu]

Thank you guys for this advice. I truly, deeply need all the help and advice there is. It hurts, so bad. I wish I could just be angry and hate him and just snap out of it. *I don't want to cry. I don't want him to take up any more of my mind and especially more of my time. I was wronged by him so badly. I'm sick of picturing them together. I'm sick of it! Even though this is all so new, I just don't want to grieve over him. I hate it.

 

Yes, my self esteem is completely shot. I've never felt so insecure about myself in my entire life. Also the huge insecurity I feel about my future as well. This is absolutely unbelievable to have to go through. Unimaginable...

 

I wish with all my heart that I could erase him out of my memory completely.

 

*You are feeling your grief in a very physical way, and that isn't at all uncommon.

 

If you allow yourself to cry it will help you to unload the emotion that is impinging on your body.

 

Holding it in will only make it worse.

 

Let go.

 

 

Take care.

Edited March 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Jess28]

Another thing that hurts so bad is there were so many times I should have or could have left him. I stayed, I loved him when he was unlovable.

 

He's been calling me. Of course I answered because I still love him. I still had hope for us. He calls and wants to laugh and talk about how many good times we had together. Reminiscing about all the little things he said meant everything to him.

 

He still hasn't gone back to be with the woman he got pregnant. She lives in another state. I'm in Europe right now. I had to get away. I've been gone about a month and a half. Anyways, so the apartment I emptied out and put everything in storage he's been sleeping there occasionally. An empty apartment. Unreal. So I say...this girl is 7 months pregnant now. Your plan is to go marry her to "make it right". Why are you not there? He says, I can't seem to force myself back there yet. So I asked him again, are you going to go through with this? He says yes. I am.

 

That happened last night. Soon as he said that tears flooded my eyes and with my cracking voice I said "I'll call you back". I of course haven't called him back. I'm realizing, talking to him is the worst thing. It's hurts me to my core. How do you call me everyday, with such sadness about us and yet still tell me you're going to do this?

 

Talking to him has been a comfort for me. We talked everyday, multiple times a day for 12 years. It's hard to just stop. But it can't be healthy for me. The biggest problem I face is that slither of hope left in me. That, I feel if I stopped talking to him, I'm allowing him to move on easily. Somewhere in my fried brain I think we'll, if we talk and laugh and reminisce he wont go through with this. What is wrong with me? Am I just dumb? What is going through his head? It's confusing. It hurts.

[Heatemyheart89]

Thank you guys for this advice. I truly, deeply need all the help and advice there is. It hurts, so bad. I wish I could just be angry and hate him and just snap out of it. I don't want to cry. I don't want him to take up any more of my mind and especially more of my time. I was wronged by him so badly. I'm sick of picturing them together. I'm sick of it! Even though this is all so new, I just don't want to grieve over him. I hate it.

 

Yes, my self esteem is completely shot. I've never felt so insecure about myself in my entire life. Also the huge insecurity I feel about my future as well. This is absolutely unbelievable to have to go through. Unimaginable...

 

I wish with all my heart that I could erase him out of my memory completely.

 

 

The anger will come, it is all a process. One day it will all be over and you will realise you are free.

Edited March 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Satu]

Detaching from someone is painful, but it gets easier as you surrender to the process.

 

So far you're resisting it, but that won't last.

 

You'll realise that there's no good that can come of it.

 

Cry your tears and let the grief out.

 

You're not read for NC yet, but that point will come, and that will be the start of your recovery.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[darstar007]

Today I have been trying to figure ways to calm my anxiety. Nothing seems to be working well. I have anxiety and ultimately I'm just very sad. That kind of sadness that just lives in your chest... When you just want to ball your eyes out. When your mind races trying to find a solution to the problem. When your mind searches and searches for ways to fix things because all you want is this person back in your life the way things use to be. Actually, doesn't even have to be the way things use to be. All you want is to be back together. When you can't believe that person you've spent so many years loving, isn't just as frantic about being with you regardless of the problems...

 

I don't wish a broken heart on my worst enemy.

 

Beautifully said. Straight from my heart too.

[Jess28]

So I'm torn...

I don't know what hurts more. Not talking to him or talking to him. Today will be day two on this no contact thing. Actually, sadly this has been the longest I've gone without any contact with him. Anyways, these two days have caused anxiety throughout the entire day. I've taken a Xanax each day because for hours I would try to calm my anxiety myself. Naturally. I failed.

 

Here's where I'm struggling and need advice and people who have experience with breaking up. I receive a huge amount of comfort in chatting with him. It relieves my anxiety and I sleep easier. If we happen to get on the subject about this woman he's going to be with, that's when my world crashes down. I could avoid the topic. Not ask him about it. And we could talk like we have been about all sorts of things. But I can't decide if that will cause me not to move on or not? I mean, can I accept the friendship and maintain the friendship with him that I value so much and still move on with my life?

[Steven1]

In my honest opinion, sadly, no. While you may try to maintain a strictly friendship relationship with him, it's only been 2 days of no contact and really you've already said you still obviously have feelings for him as you wouldn't be effected so badly by this other woman talk..

 

While you still feel this way I don't think a friendship with him benefits you in anyway as you will still be hoping he may make a U-Turn on the decision to be with her instead..., if you can completely cut any feelings other than being friends with him, and not be effected by him being with someone else, then you may be able to be friends.

 

Until then I think it may be best if you have some time to yourself to try and start moving forward.

[Jess28]

So are you saying the only way to have a friendship with him is if the feelings I have for him are completely gone?

 

What if I always love him and always have feeling for him? Does that mean that I must also walk away from having a friendship as well? (It's ok to be totally blunt and honest with me). This is rough. So rough and very confusing.

 

I love him with all of my heart. He was my best friend. And I was his. He still says things like "you really are the only person I have to talk to". "I don't have any one else I can talk to". And for me I do have friends but no one who knows me, my life in the most detailed way as he and I know each other. It's hard to walk away from that. Even if at times it hurts so bad it's excruciating.

 

Whatever you think, please I am open to your opinion.

[TaraMaiden2]

So are you saying the only way to have a friendship with him is if the feelings I have for him are completely gone?

Romantic 'would love a relationship with you' feelings, yes.

 

What if I always love him and always have feeling for him?

Then there is no scope for a friendship.

Does that mean that I must also walk away from having a friendship as well? (It's ok to be totally blunt and honest with me). This is rough. So rough and very confusing.

It isn't really. What is confused in you is the scope of your feelings for him.

 

I love him with all of my heart.

And there's your problem, right there.

He was my best friend. And I was his.

"Was" being the operative word....

He still says things like "you really are the only person I have to talk to". "I don't have any one else I can talk to".

Yeah. sorry, he can't have it both ways....And neither can you.

 

And for me I do have friends but no one who knows me, my life in the most detailed way as he and I know each other. It's hard to walk away from that. Even if at times it hurts so bad it's excruciating.

This is PRECISELY the same as a drug addiction. The withdrawal symptoms are exactly the same.

 

Whatever you think, please I am open to your opinion.

And the solution is the same.

Cold Turkey.

Nothing else will do.

[Jess28]

Wow.......

 

Tara,

Is there a way to kill that hope inside that he will call me and say he cannot go through with this? Or that sickening hope that maybe in the future we would be together?

 

I don't want to live my life with this constant little hope in the back of my mind that he and I will be together. I really am trying my hardest to get advice. I've spent majority of my life with him. I've never been through anything like this before. From 15-28 we were together. So... He's just such apart of me....

Edited March 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Steven1]

As much as it hurts, if you will always 'love him' and have feelings for him, then a friendship is probably not the most viable option to you. As much as you want to be friends and I've been there myself where I would have any option to have the other person in any capacity, but remember, if you are always going to have feelings that are more than friends with him, would you be able to cope watching his life move on with another woman while you sit in the background?

 

I was with my ex girlfriend for 7 years, she recently broke up with me out of the blue a few days before we were going to go away for Valentines day. Been 7 weeks NC with her, not through my choice simply because she wouldn't reply to any texts or any form of communication.

 

In time, could I still be friends with her? Possibly yes, because I've come to a level of acceptance that she probably doesn't love me and will eventually move on.

 

If you as well can come to acceptance that the likelihood of things returning to as they were as slim, then maybe in time you can have a friendship, but it won't be easy.

[TaraMaiden2]

Tara,

Is there a way to kill that hope inside that he will call me and say he cannot go through with this? Or that sickening hope that maybe in the future we would be together?

You have to start being honest with yourself.

To him, you weren't "The One". To him, you were an option.

There is no reason whatsoever on the planet as to why - as a grown man, who was living independently of his family - he could not have had a long talk with them and told them his loyalty was to you.

He made a choice. And that choice was to leave you.

 

You may say he was pressured and coerced, and that his family made threats with emotional blackmail.

That is as may be. But he still, ultimately, made that choice.

To turn his back on you.

 

I don't want to live my life with this constant little hope in the back of my mind that he and I will be together.

Again, be honest with yourself.

He would come back to you, tail between his legs, begging yo to take him back.

That would demonstrate one of two possibilities:

Either:

He has enough faith in your feelings for him to give him the confidence that no matter what he did to you, you would always take it. He would be counting on your good nature to forgive his lack of backbone; and it would give no guarantees as to his future fidelity and steadfastness.

Who's to say he wouldn't do it again?

With a child now in the picture, this would change things, and not to your advantage.

 

Or:

 

His current partner would kick him out, because of his reluctance to being with her. So his obvious option would be to do the above.

Either way, you would still have been his second option, not his first priority.

 

I really am trying my hardest to get advice. I've spent majority of my life with him. I've never been through anything like this before. From 15-28 we were together. So... He's just such apart of me....

No, he isn't, just as you are clearly not a part of him.

Do not abdicate or sacrifice part of yourself to accommodate the presence of someone who gave you up.

 

I spent 22 years with my ex.

Believe me, he has nothing of me, because I refuse to abdicate any part of me to the benefit of someone who is no longer in my picture.

[greenly24]

Oh my goodness, I feel so sorry for you! What a difficult place to be in! I'm glad you don't actually plan to end your life. Like my dad says, suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Now I know it doesn't feel temporary, having given so much of your life and your heart to this relationship, but I truly believe you have a beautiful future ahead of you. Yes, it will take time to get through all this, but I think you can You mentioned that he is religious, but are you? Would you be willing to talk with a pastor or someone similar? They may be able to provide some perspective. Just a thought. In the meantime, I’ll be thinking of you. Best wishes!

[Jess28]

The last 2 days the pain has been unbearable. All I can think about is them together. Him loving her the way we were. Him just being himself with her. I AM DROWNING. My hands won't stop shaking.

 

I blame myself so much. I feel so strongly that I don't want to live without him. I don't want to live. He's not even back with her yet but he will be. He tells me how awful he feels. How awful he feels for my hurt..

 

He has been my everything since I was 15. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to meet someone else. He was everything to me.

 

I can't stop picturing them together. I can no longer sleep. Eat. Someone please tell me how to survive. Please.

[Rachel39]

Can I ask how long you've been together and what's happened?